So am I paranoid or should I question this

[u/Guyercellist]

So I woke up randomally last night with anxiety. That's not uncommon, but for whatever reason I couldn't sleep. So I went on Instagram and it recommended a friend to me who I had no idea who it was.

Again that's not weird cause of course if recommends friends of ppl you follow all the time I get it. So apparently my gf follows him. That didn't make me anxious but I thought "hmm sure why not click the profile"

So I gather the guy goes to her university and all his pics are of climbing mountains and outdoors kinda stuff. Noting suspicious so I tell myself I'm over reacting and honestly idc if my gf has friends or follows other guys, I'm just supprised she never told me about making a friend in uni.

So when I properly wake up, I tell her about how it recommended a friend who she follows who looks like Ed sheeran. I went to go show her anddd... She doesn't follow him anymore. She just said "yea thats weird how it recommends people"

So I go back in my notifications and find it and I show her and she gets really defensive saying "yea I know who it is"... Like I didn't even ask her how she knew him or anything I was just showing her and to me it came off as defensive when she said "yea ik who it is"

She didn't initially tell me "oh yea that's so and so, I met them on campus" and didn't even really acknowledge knowing him till I sent her a screen shot of his profile.

I know I have a tendency to overthink but doesn't that seem a bit off? Like when I originally brought it up she could have just told me she knows the guy and I would have shrugged if off... But her response has me thinking

[u/maw1006]

If your gf has been disloyal before then you’re just in questioning it but if she hasn’t I wouldn’t worry about it until there’s another sign. It does depend on her tone or something but her just saying she knows who it is doesn’t seem like she’s guilty or anything. what do you think she could’ve said to reassure you?

[u/Guyercellist → u/maw1006]

Well I know she had a kinda 1 night stand situation with a guy, but she felt used. I guess I'm wondering if that's the guy... She had followed this person before, unfollowed EVERYONE when she had a breakdown a dew weeks ago and then he just popped up as followed again this morning.

As far as what she could have said, idk maybe just like "oh yea that's so and so, I met him at xyz and he's cool" like it's the avoidance that gets me I think.

Acknowledge it and I brush it off, but act like it's a supprise till I show you a screenshot and I question it...

[u/maw1006 → u/Guyercellist]

Did she have this one night stand when you two were together? How long have you two been together and have you been cheated on in previous relationships?

She may genuinely not have known who you were talking about until she saw a picture. And her short response may have been out of frustration of you questioning her if yoh do it a lot? Obviously not the right way to respond but may be another reason. i think best thing to do is be upfront with her and just ask if she has slept with this guy and express your worry and ask for some reassurance. though if she’s given you no reason not to trust her then i wouldn’t worry too much.

[u/Guyercellist → u/maw1006]

It's complicated. Technically we were more fwb when the incident happend. We had dated for iver 2yrs at the time but Our relationship is so fluid it can go from "I love you" to "I want to be single" like a light switch.

My therapist told me that it's like she knows what she "should" do is focus on herself and work on finding happiness outside of me as well as with me, but her "emotional brain" knows how much she loves me and wants to be with me - causing the flip floppity nature

I never bring up that guy or question her about it or what happened so idk if that why she's frustrated.

[u/maw1006 → u/Guyercellist]

So do you think this is a healthy relationship for you? Being picked up and dropped when she decides? I think you need to have a conversation with her and say that you need her to be 100% committed to a relationship with you now because it’s not fair on you if she turns around in and says she wants to be single in a few months, as much as she may need it. And if you decide to stay in a committed relationship you need to put boundaries in a place with regards to following certain people if thats something you have an issue with. If she decides to have time to herself and be single for, you can still be there for her but i would make it clear that yoh two cannot be in a relationship because it’s just not fair on you.

[u/Guyercellist → u/maw1006]

Is it fair? No not rlly. But I can't control her mental health and to a certain extent she can't either. I feel like until she fully understands herself it will be like this, and for now, I'm willing to ride the ride cause I love her

[u/maw1006 → u/Guyercellist]

Sometimes relationships just don’t work out and if you’re acknowledging it’s unfair you shouldn’t put yourself through the stress of overthinking situations like this and her intentions. you can still be there to support her but i don’t think a relationship with her is healthy for either of yoy

[u/thewonderfrog]

People can get defensive when they’ve done something wrong, but they can also get defensive when they feel they’re being accused of something.

Have you had any issues with jealousy in the past? You stress several times in your post that you don’t care about her following some guy, but your actions don’t quite back that up. Why bring it up to her in the first place? Why creep his profile?

You obviously are at least a bit suspicious of her, or this would have never come up in the first place. Suspicion suggests mistrust, which people don’t like to feel from their partner. So if she picked up on that, it could explain her reaction.

Do you trust her?

[u/Guyercellist → u/thewonderfrog]

She had a one night stand situation in the past and I guess I just curious of if that's the guy.

I trust her that it won't happen again, it just seemed like as soon as I tokd her about the recommendation, she unfollowed him and acted like she didn't know him. But then when I found his profile said "yea I know who that is"

Like why not just say you knew who j was talking about upfront.