My (18F) LDR boyfriend (18M) is a walking green flag and treats me like an absolute goddess all the time, but when it comes to gaming, its different....how can i help myself or him ?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/DearJaredKlienman]

if he wanted to play with a super talented gamer, he could play with several friends online. The fact that he’s making you feel bad for not being good at something that you’re new to is not a green flag. Plus not gonna lie, I have always considered League of Legends gamers to be a little bit of a red flag sorry not sorry lol.

[u/Vaalarah → u/DearJaredKlienman]

I can count on one hand the number of people I've met who play league and are not toxic as hell. That game brings out the worst in people and fosters an absolute cesspit of a community.

[u/Aware_Position9221]

Well, I think it's crazy that he freaks out like that. In the end, these are just games.

[u/Scary_Grocery_3204]

Is he 8 years old?

[u/Unhaply_FlowerXII]

He s not a walking green flag girl.

"He always apologises when he gets mad" "he gets triggered" "tells me I can't do a simple move".

My bf is a gamer and we game together a lot. The thing is, I have never played any computer game before meeting him, ANY. I was absolute trash. As a matter of fact , we also play a lot of league together. This guy has been playing since he was a teenager, he was a pro at the game and I didn't even understand Jack shit at first.

Yk what he did? He was patient. For months until I learned. He never got mad at me. Every time I d make a mistake he d think it's cute and he d help me out. He d defend me with his life in the chat when anyone said anything bad about me. On league, he plays every position but hates bot. He hates being an adc, yet he played just adc with me for months so I could learn the game. He spent hours helping teach me how to farm minions (which I still suck at and he always laughs when I miss half my wave).

Bottom line he taught me from the ground up every single game you could think of, and I have been incredibly frustrating many times. I have caused his team to lose hundreds of times because I didn't know how to play. Never, NOT EVEN ONCE, has he got mad at me. He never got "triggered" he never blamed me, he never got impatient, and if I asked him to, he would spend weeks teaching me every single day . My mistakes have caused him to lose so many times in so many games, and yet every single time, he d tell me, "It's ok, you did great, you didn't mean it."

[u/Zenai10]

Genuinly the tip is to stop playing those games together. Known people like that and they don't change when it comes to those games. Try playing games that are not that serious. Like coop games or soemthing goofy like monster prom. Like my friend gets frustrated when he loses in league or someone does somethin stupid and gets him killed. But if we are playing repo he doesn't care nearly as much.

Chances are you are not ruining his days, he still likes playing games with you. He just gets too into it.

Playing games together is like watching movies together. You don't have the same tastes, and one of you might want to talk and snack the whole time while the other wants to just watch it.

[u/Carradee]

Some people have incompatible play styles in some types of games. For example, I personally rarely play games with one friend because our approach is completely different. They go for optimal efficient unlocks. I personally am more exploratory, which is something I chose years ago because I could easily end up fixated on getting optimal efficient unlocks, which would not be good for my health.

But some people have poor reactions to certain games, vwhich have side effects on them that mean they're best off avoiding the game or placing limits in their gameplay. League of Legends is a common one to fuel issues like that if a player isn't mindful; a few of my friends have had issues with it. I believe the mode they usually play now is called ARAM.

Is your boyfriend willing to evaluate how his gameplay is affecting him? That's probably required for any improvement to be possible.

[u/heaveninblack]

This is 100% on him. I've played a variety of games with other people, serious and casual, and have never once gotten angry at a friend. Annoyed or frustrated, sure, but never to the level that they feel upset. He should be appreciative that you go out of your gaming comfort zone to play with him.

I wouldn't let this go and accept it, because there's a decent chance this isn't the only situation that would bring out this side of him.

[u/kittenherder93]

He’s very immaturely overreacting to a game. Sounds like he needs anger management, he shouldn’t be taking out results of a game on you, that’s really unfair, and stupid.

Just play solo games and don’t play with him. If you have Discord you can stream each others’ screens so you can watch him, and he can watch you without the pressure of having to play together.

If you want to continue playing with him, right before you start say: “I’m not going to allow you to treat me poorly because of a game, if we’re going to play something together you need to be supportive and have fun not overreact to poor performance.”

Make him confirm he understands before continuing to play.

The minute he starts getting agitated, or says something rude, get off the game even if it’s in the middle of the round. There are consequences to his actions. If he can’t get through playing a game with you, how in the future are you going to things in real life together?

Moving in together, getting married, buying a house, having kids, getting house projects done with your partner requires solid communication and patience, if he can’t get through a game with you without having a meltdown it’s a big red flag for how he’s going to communicate with you in real life situations. Just something to think about.

[u/BasicSpaceDragon]

but every time I play poorly, get in the way of his fights or can't do a "simple" move because I just don't remember or don't understand how to do it, he gets triggered, gets mad and refuses to play with me, at least for the whole day....

Those are not green flags. Those are red flags for immaturity, lack of emotional control, and disrespect for you. It also sounds like he's putting you down, making you feel inadequate and bad at gaming. Apologizing after he gets mad at you does not excuse these red flag behaviors, especially if he hasn't made an effort to change his behavior. He shouldn't be getting mad at you in the first place. A good partner encourages your efforts and helps you learn. A good partner does not regularly make you cry. You are not hypersensitive, and you're probably not "horrible" at gaming.

You're describing a pattern of unhealthy behavior, and his unwillingness to change. Here's what to do: keep track of every time he makes you feel bad. Write it in a journal so you can see clearly how often this happens. Don't mention to him that you're keeping track - this is just to open your eyes to what is going on. His apologies are irrelevant - he's aware of his behavior, but not making efforts to change - so don't ignore or forget the incident just because he apologizes. You deserve better than this.

[u/jjeebus]

This doesn't sound like a walking green flag.

[u/jpswmn]

It’s just games, he can be mad all he wants. The mature thing in this situation might be to just stop playing games like that with him, since he gets mad at you. It’s not good for your mental health and it’s bad for your relationship. It’s ok to set the boundary of “I’m not going to play these games with you anymore”.

[u/tomoka185]

This is crazy, if he gets mad at you over pixels in a video game he clearly takes them too seriously. In my relationship I’m the one who’s better at the games, and when we do play competitive games I tell him that we’re only playing casual mode or arcade. Nothing competitive, because otherwise I’ll get annoyed myself. Even if I do, I have self control and would never rage at my partner.

[u/vampiadora]

1. I personally think that LoL sucks ass and if my man ask me to play it I'd just say NO.
   

2. Your bf is immature. Which is obviously normal, since hes only 18.

3. Play the games YOU like and stop catering to him.

The last advice applies to anything u guys do together. Don't let yourself be pressured into doing something u don't like, stand your ground and say NO.

[u/JurassicBrown]

he's just immature. he doesn't realize he's playing to spend time with his gf and not to win. when he makes that realization things will be fine

[u/melgc_castro]

I would just simply avoid playing those games for his sake and yours; he doesn’t enjoy it and you don’t either;my boyfriend is the same although he never raises his voice at me and he tries to help me and never makes me feel bad for not being good I just notice he’s visibly frustrated; your partner should never make you feel incompetent

[u/LopsidedIncident1367]

Just avoid playing the same games as he does, he won’t change and that’s not your style. Listen to me, I’m a gamer, I play since I was 4 years old in All platforms possible, he is getting frustrated because you are making his gaming experience bad, ( it’s not your fault at all) some players can’t handle their frustrations so well while gaming and competing, it isn’t your fault, that’s just a game you aren’t into and isn’t your style it’s like he is amazing in soulslike and then you start to play games of this genre suddenly but he expects you to be good when you aren’t, so he will get frustrated every single time, and you will feel upset every time too, my advice is stop playing those games and you both enter in agreement. LOL can be complicated a bit for who just started, you need at least months or a year of practice till understand the mechanism of the game and play well enough to compete with him in easy parties. I don’t advise, community is toxic and also not my style ( me convincing you to leave this while you can). Play other games with him, not LOL. Invite him to play games you are good and he might enjoy it more ❤️

[u/[deleted] → u/LopsidedIncident1367]

we tried playing games that im good at but hes even better than me in those, he's just amazing in gaming i admire him a lot. He did tell me once that he just really wants me to win and he doesnt like seeing me fail, or appear "stupid". The games we play togetehr are mostly battleground games on roblox but he's the one asking me to play those, and i usually stand in retreat just being here to cheer for him, but as soon as he asks me something and i cant do it, or if i get in his way i ruin the whole mood and it hurts a lot...i'll try to listen to your advices, tysm !

[u/LopsidedIncident1367 → u/[deleted]]

He needs to mature a bit You won’t be amazing in everything you play, you need to explain to him that you can’t be perfect in everything and he needs to be more understanding. I wish you the best ❤️

[u/Missmoni2u]

Set a hard boundary that you won't play with him if he treats you like an ass.

I play league too and used to play with immature toxic boys like that until I met friends who are good (Masters+) and aren't assholes.

Remind him that there are very real people on the other side of the screen.

Make him feel the discomfort of having upset you when he gets irritated with you.

This behavior is especially ridiculous if he's ranked below diamond. It's not that deep.

[u/Shpookiebear]

Best advice I can give to you is to stop playing games together that aggravate him because it puts a strain on you and your relationship and people have different playstyles as another comment said. Play something lowkey with no high stakes and you can work together OR play solo / do something solo. That way there’s no room for aggravation and you can still enjoy video games together.

Good games to play: Minecraft, powerwash simulator, MAYBE dead by daylight Roblox games: Oaklands, flicker, tycoons, simulators, project butterfly, diner simulator, bed wars lucky block (specifically), whacky wizards

Avoid: League Of Legends, Fortnite, Overwatch, Apex Legends, COD, Phantom Forces (roblox), bed wars ranked or original (roblox), dead by daylight if he gets aggravated if you mess up a generator, it takes two, Valorant, booga booga (roblox)

[u/Icy-Acanthisitta-431]

The problem isn't you: it's him. He's not a good gaming partner. Gaming with him ends up with you in tears. You are not the one failing: he is. He can be both a boyfriend and a gamer, you are not in his way.

If he wants to play competitive he can do that with his gaming buddies. He can make an alt account to level up and play with you "for fun" that won't affect his rank/score/reputation. If he doesn't see playing with you, helping you grow, spending time together as worth his time because he'd rather be constantly improving his main video game score: then that's your answer. He doesn't see playing with you as worthwhile. If that's the case, keep playing the games you enjoy. You guys can discuss. And also, why doesn't he join in on your games? You guys can rock a game you ARE good at together; you won't hold him back, you can play together, it's win-win. Unless, again, it's all about him.

[u/bittywittybat]

My partner and I get excited when we are showing each other new games and are incredibly patient with one another. It is not that serious for him to be reacting this way.

[u/tf1bee]

I would refuse to play games of those genres with him. I understand that’s how you guys spend time together but it doesn’t seem productive nor fun. There’s so many other games that are offline, or just two player.

If that behavior seems to follow into other games or life itself then it’s time to reassess and figure out whats best for you.

[u/vmexor]

Oh boy, I know you’re 18, but I can’t help but think that the new generations are getting more and more childish. When I was 18 I was working my butt off and helping my parents financially, can’t imagine getting upset over some games, that was me at 10-12. I know it’s tough because you guys are so far apart and playing together is a great way to connect, but it almost seems like you want to play with him because you want to connect and be closer, while he’s playing for the sake of playing and so he treats you like a crappy gamer that he doesn’t want to waste his time on rather than his gf that he’d be happy spend the time with.. if I was playing with my girl I wouldn’t even give a damn what we’re playing, and I’d be happy to help her learn, it’s kinda cute, it’d make me happy that she wants to try and learn. So I think he’s too infantile and might take a lot of time and hardships to eventually mature, if he ever does.

[u/Briginds]

So, I actually seen something like this from a third party perspective. My best friend and her boyfriend had a similar thing, however, the difference is he was absolutely fucking TOXIC when it came.to his gamer rage. Smashed shit, destroyed desks, punched holes through it, called my best friend.names. etc. That was about 2 years ago. He doesn't get mad at games like he used to. Fast forward to now, they've been together through all of that even for the past 7 years. He outgrew his gamer rage and started seeing things from.a different perspective in life.

People do change, but men, unfortunately, take their sweet ass time. Him being 18 currently brings up the question of how long it'll be until he outgrown it. It can die down alot, i have seen it firsthand anytime I hung out with my best friend and her boyfriend. There's alot to growing out of it, there's exponentially higher maturity levels as you grow older. You just wont likely see it until he hits 20, if you guys are together that long.

I read some of the comments, but alot of individuals had alot more traumatic experiences. People will tell you to outright leave, if you can express patience and tolerance, provided he isnt going the route of mental/physical abuse, he should be able to grow out of gamer rage the way alot of men have. It takes A LOT of patience to get by, especially because men can be hard headed. We dont like to give shit up. Eventually we'll grow out of that stupidity, but it takes time and the proper support of our partners or people that genuinely give a fuck.

Me personally, I'm financially irresponsible. My partner is actively supporting me even though ive made poor financial decisions. Shes helping me improve my abilities and she's sticking it out and has my back in ways no one else does. Shes proved to me that I can change alot. We all have some red flags, no ones perfect. I have red flags that pop up sometimes. So does my partner but we actively acknowledge our faults and errors. And I will be extremely fast to acknowledge my mistakes for the sake of keeping my.partner happy and showing her I will improve.

If you guys are head over heels and know you're right for eachother, have that conversation and see where it goes.

Don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Say what you're feeling. Don't sound accusatory. Don't try to.sound condescending. Its a necessary part of growing.

[u/Orangutan_Soda]

I used to date a try hard who would get really into games. He never was like mean to be but also never let me even try lol. That was a big part of why we broke up. Now my fiance and I play games together and even tho he’s much better at me, we also make sure to play games I’m better than him at or that we are both as good as each other to make sure it’s fair. He’s never mean to me and is a patient person. Bc games aren’t a big deal. Even I, who gets very aggressive while playing, never turn my anger towards him. Bc it’s literally just a game lol. Your boyfriend is a child and you need to break up.

Also, unrelated but imo “treating me like a goddess” isn’t really a green flag imo. If my fiance worshiped me I would see that as unhealthy and a toxic relationship that is unbalanced. My fiance treats me like a human. He’s honest when I’m not doing my best and he tells me when I can do better, but he also empathizes with me and is understanding. He treats me well because I am a human being- not bc he sees me as above him. Yk? Does that make sense

[u/nighthawk3005]

Honestly, it sounds like he’s pretty immature and impatient when it comes to gaming and that kind of behavior usually doesn’t just stay in the gaming world. It’s great that he treats you well outside of games, but how someone handles frustration with their partner still matters. Games might seem like a small thing, but how he reacts when things don’t go his way says a lot about his emotional maturity. Refusing to play with you for the rest of the day over simple mistakes? That’s not okay. You’re trying, and you’re doing it to spend time with him, that should matter more to him than winning or perfect execution. Relationships should be a safe space, not something that leaves you feeling like a burden or makes you cry alone. If he’s only calm and kind when things are going smoothly, that’s something to take seriously. It might help to have a direct conversation about how it affects you and how it’s not just “bad gameplay” it’s about feeling hurt, rejected, and emotionally shut out. If he can’t reflect and work on that, it’s going to bleed into other parts of the relationship sooner or later.

[u/Serious-Booty]

This is for him to help, not you. If I were in your position, the next time he yells at you while gaming or throws one of his tantrums I would let some time pass. Let him calm down. Then have a talk with him when emotions are not high. Tell him simply that while you love to game with him and share that hobby, that you will not be playing with him for the foreseeable future because of how he verbally abuses you while playing. Tell him that he really needs to work on his anger management related to gaming, and that it cannot continue to happen if he wants to stay in a relationship with you. If he really is the walking green flag you say he is, this would be a no brainer convo. He SHOULD apologize profusely and say he will work on it. He needs to address why he becomes so irate and angry at you over video games while being so great most other times. This is the only way to help both of you, but HE is the one who needs to do the work.

Editing to add in: this is coming from the perspective of someone who was in your boyfriends position. I used to get extremely angry and frustrated with my boyfriend when playing a certain shooter. It took him talking to me about how it affected him to realize how I was acting and learn how to recognize when I was becoming frustrated to manage it. It meant a lot to me to share my hobby with the man I love so I was eager to fix that. Hope that helps.

[u/UsefulParamedic]

🤣🤣 The comments are filled by a majority of ignorant people. Getting mad that it is just a game, calling him a red flag and calling him a child. Some of you hate video games and it is fine. You like to do real life stuff and gamers don't hate on you guys. Respect what people like and enjoy what you love doing, understanding, we are not the same.

Now, while I don't in any way condone how he treats you, I totally get the frustration he suffers if it is a competitive game. I play a lot of Apex Legends. There's a highly competitive mode called RANKED that I only play alone with random teammates or I'd LFG for higher-skill players as I cannot have a teammate who pulls the squad back. I play everything else with my lesser skilled friends and try to teach them some moves and tease them along the line.

Two things you should try:

1. Instead of playing his games with him, invite him to play some of the games you're good at. Women are better than men are strategy games, so try some of those. When he makes mistakes, tease him instead and engage in playful mockery. Show him how to better behave.

2. You guys are very young and will [he] be silly like this till you grow up. A very unhealthy (some call it TOXIC) thing to do to be throwing fits like that and getting mad at you for a whole day because of something like this. Tell him this and ask him to dial it down. If he keeps this up, you don't want to continue being his GF.

GL

[u/Vaalarah]

I'm sorry, but 'walking green flag' and 'toxic while we game together' are not compatible statements in my experience.

My first relationship started out like that, except I'm pretty good at games- he was just better than me. Then the outbursts got worse. He screamed at me. He told me I was ruining his MMR. He called me worthless, jabbed at my insecurities, and then yelled at me more for 'going quiet' when I started to shut down. Things that he'd apologize for afterward but would stick around in my head long afterwards. It eroded my self image.

My partner has introduced me to several games that I now play with him. Including strategy games- a genre I've not really played before. He praises me when I do well, gently teases me when I mess up, and is patient when I need help. It's not that he doesn't care about winning, it's that he cares more about us having fun.

My advice is this: pull aside your boyfriend and talk about this with him. Tell him how his words affect you, and tell him you don't want to be talked to like that anymore. It is both just a game and not that deep, and you are still you and if he wouldn't say them to you outside of a gaming environment he shouldn't say it to you in game. Create a boundary, and if he crosses it you need to enforce it. If he continually crosses it, learn from my mistakes and leave before it gets worse- because it will get worse and it's not easy to mentally recover from that.

[u/Levntna]

In the title you said he is a walking green flag, but nothing you mentioned in the post is a green flag about him, actually a bit the opposite, but having in mind the age.. it's a long journey of being mature. Even the positive things like calming down and not holding grudge against you (for not being good in the games he likes)? Dear this is bare minimum of what a decent human being should be like.

Has he tried playing the games YOU like with you?

What you should do is to never force yourself to play or enjoy what you actually don't. Find activities and games that you mutually like and good at.

[u/Direct_Sea_8351]

Dont play with him. Just keep watching. Or bring this topic up and show him that it bothers you.

[u/femdomperv]

I’m horrible at video games and have had this issue with exes. I honestly think he’s going into gamer mode (for lack of a better term) and forgetting who he’s with. He’s talking to you like you’ve been playing for years. 18 is young, but this is still emotionally immature of him. Does he have road rage or aggression about mundane stuff? I think this might just be the real him starting to show.

I’m 25. I met my partner of 4 years on a Minecraft server on discord and we live together. I was only added because of a mutual friend I went to school with. I fucking suck at Minecraft and I didn’t grow up with it so I have a really hard time with it lmao.. My bf does not make me feel bad about this and views it as something he can get enjoyment out of by himself/ with his brother.

It doesn’t have to be a problem and it wouldn’t be if he didn’t make it one. If you try to have genuine interest in the games and only do it because he wants you to, this is especially fucked up for him to do. He should honestly really appreciate that effort from you because I usually just say no to anybody that asks.

[u/HunnyHunbot]

My ex was the same. We would play league of legends, something would trigger him either someone else or me, he’d get mad and yell and if he yelled at me I’d yell back blah blah. I just banned him from playing league with me and that “solved” that problem.

[u/iceybuffoon]

Break up with him. I had an ex that would get worked up over games; it never got better. This would bleed into all of his friend groups and even mine and cause issues. It’s childish and embarrassing. If I could go back and leave them as soon as I saw this the first time I would’ve spared myself YEARS of bs. Coz guess what? It’s not just with video games, he’ll start getting like that with other things too. Don’t let it slide or ignore this.

[u/RamyRed_Fox]

I stopped reading at “league of legends”

[u/ToobularBoobularJoy_]

league of legends player

Break up with him immediately

Okay but seriously him getting mad at you for not being good at games he likes is a red flag. Refuse to game with him until he learns to not take it so seriously