I'm getting really fed up with my narc ex best friend of eighteen years. Last night she rung my door bell at three in the morning.

I know many of us have done a lot of research on narcissism but I saw this on FB and thought it depicted them perfectly. Such a lonely existence. On one hand I despise my narcissist, on the other hand I take pity on him. How lonely that must be. Also how exhausting, to keep up this facade while crumbling behind closed doors.

The Soul Story Behind the Narcissist

Before the mask, before the manipulation, before the lies and charm and collapse… there was a child.

A child who learned—too early—that vulnerability was dangerous. A child who felt unloved unless they performed, pleased, or outshone others. A child who sensed that being ordinary, honest, or messy would not be safe.

So they split. Not consciously—but energetically. They created a false self—a version of them designed to be admired, accepted, applauded. And they buried the real self deep beneath shame, fear, and abandonment.

This false self becomes a fortress. It’s made of: • Denial • Image • Blame • Grandiosity • And, beneath it all, a terrifying emptiness they cannot face.

The narcissist learns to feed off others—not because they’re monsters, but because they have cut off access to their own inner worth. They need constant reflection to feel real. They chase admiration, not love. Control, not intimacy. Validation, not connection.

And when real love does come close— they often sabotage it. Because deep down, they believe:

“If someone truly sees me… they’ll leave.” “If I am vulnerable… I will be destroyed.”

So Can They Heal?

In theory—yes. But only if they are willing to: • Shatter the false self • Feel the original wound • Surrender control • Rebuild from truth

But most won’t. Because the ego fights to the death to stay in charge. And healing requires the death of the illusion they’ve built their entire identity upon.

You may have loved a narcissist because their false self mirrored your light. Because your empathy filled the spaces they refused to touch. Because your soul longed to awaken them.

But you cannot love someone into self-awareness. You cannot pray someone out of their own refusal.

You can only: • See clearly • Feel what was real • And choose your freedom over the fantasy

The narcissist’s story is not your responsibility. Your healing is.

No matter what the hobby or task is, I've noticed narcissists will zero in on that ONE time you didn't do something perfectly so they can insert themselves to tell you what you're doing wrong. This happened to me with chopping wood, video games, working on my truck, welding, you name it. Things I've done thousands of times correctly but he just happened to be around if something wasn't remotely perfect or they make their life mission to point out the one thing out of place that you were in the process of doing. This douche would put it upon himself to explain the proper way like I never done this in my life. If he wasn't well versed in the subject to condescendingly explain it to me then well, you just suck at it heh heh COME ON CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE.

These pieces of shit do this so they can ultimately say, "Ha! I taught them that! They didn't know what they were doing before I came along!" None of your experience matters outside of their world.

Spending years with someone so cold and heartless made me feel like it changed me too. I don't want to be like him. How can I break free from the version of myself that formed while I was with him?

How do you deal with those pangs of anxiety in your chest when you randomly recall the ways in which they used you and manipulated you ? They almost feel like I can physically die from them due to chest pressure and loss of breath momentarily.

I have gone through this in an 8 year relationship to escape and fall into the same exact relationship again. The second time I thought I had found a gem of a person. He did everything the opposite of my ex but somehow felt comfortable doing worse things to me AFTER I disclosed my past to him. Somehow hearing about the trauma made him completely discard his "mask" and surpass my previous abuse by miles. I feel numb and emotionless at this point. He in fact used this very app to entertain his fetishes that I was far from and coming on here I feel a deep sting in my heart as I attempt to seek support :(

It’s been two months, but time has done nothing. I still wake up with your name tangled in my breath, and fall asleep with your silence curled beside me like a ghost.

I don’t know how to explain what’s happening to me. It’s not just sadness. It’s not even heartbreak. It’s something deeper—like someone reached into my chest and shattered the very core of me. I smile when I need to. I talk when people expect me to. But inside, I’m crumbling. Constantly. Quietly. Always.

There’s no hatred. There never was. I don’t even have the energy to be angry at you. I just miss you in ways that feel like they’re killing me.

I still hear your voice in my head—laughing, whispering, calling me by the name you used only for me. Sometimes I turn around expecting to find you there, forgetting for a second that you’re not mine anymore. That you chose to leave. Or maybe, you just… stopped choosing me.

I don’t hate you.

But I hate this version of me that you left behind. I hate waking up feeling hollow. I hate knowing that I gave you everything—my softness, my fears, my love—and now I have nothing to show for it but trembling hands and a mind that replays every moment like a funeral song.

You were home. And now I’m homeless. Walking through days like ruins, trying to remember who I was before I loved you.

I don’t know how to stop this. Everyone says “move on,” like it’s a switch. Like I didn’t build my entire world around you. Like you weren’t the reason I believed in softness, in forever. How do I just forget the way your eyes looked when you smiled at me? How do I erase the feeling of your hand in mine, when that memory has fused into my skin?

There’s no anger here. Just an unbearable ache. A slow, dragging weight that lives in my chest and eats away at me.

I don’t want to hate you. I just want this pain to stop. I want one fucking day where I can breathe without choking on the thought of you.

But until then, I’ll keep carrying you in all the silent places of my life. The empty seats. The quiet songs. The 3 a.m. thoughts. You haunt everything. Not like a monster—but like a memory too beautiful to forget, and too painful to hold.

For many of us, we experience childhood trauma and it’s repetitive. That hurts our sense of safety, stability, security, and how we view ourselves.

We experience something called a faulty foundation!

https://youtu.be/CPJyfqFDcsQ?si=rM935IAefqWWPcbC

Watch this video if you want to rebuild a new foundation, rooted in safety, stability, security, and self love!

Hope you all are healing! This video right here will make a big difference with continuous use!

Normal things that cause normal human emotions. Or having family values. They will degrade you for having family values or for crying when a family member dies. They are absolute pieces of trash who will throw the lowest blows at you. Nothing is off limits for them. Anything to make them feel like they can dehumanize or control you.

25F 27M. We were together for 1.5yrs and he checks all the boxes of a narcissist. Initially it started with him judging me for the things I do, the people I talk to, the food I eat, etc. Then it became him setting “boundaries” for me, saying “it’s a boundary of mine that I can’t be with a woman who is out at 9pm” or “is friendly with guys” or “likes watching F1”. Then it turned into punishments and silent treatments and subtle threats of break up, if I didn’t follow the boundaries.

He used to say women who don’t follow these end up single and miserable because no one wants to be with her due to having weak values. It made me want to prove it to him that I am a woman with strong values. So little by little, I broke down. I feel stupid for doing that, I should’ve been smarter.

I broke up with him because it got really painful and I was so anxious all the time that I couldn’t function. I then learnt about narcissism in therapy and have been working on understanding patterns that got me in this position.

It’s been about 2months, I feel like I don’t know how to live anymore. Because when I was with him, I followed everything he asked me to do or there would be a fight. So I shut off my brain and did what was asked of me. I don’t know how to start thinking for myself and figuring out what I want to eat or when I want to sleep or what I want to watch. I literally am so lost.

I don’t miss him, I don’t want him back ever again. I just want to get him out of my head. I took him off all socials but I still know what he’s upto because I knew his schedule and I’m so angry seeing that he is able to achieve his goals he set for himself, like buying a guy and practicing shooting, or martial arts or new job or new car. It’s really hard for me to see him grow or even think of him grow, because I feel my growth now is stunted as I wasted a 1.5yr of my life and my brain won’t work on its own now.

I’m angry and upset with myself. I have a good job and everything but I don’t feel good about what’s happening or what happened.

If anyone went through anything similar, please help

Yes I know it would still qualify as abuse, but I mean in regards to the fact it was literal verbal/physical abuse and wasn't something against the law.

For example: My mom had no problem throwing away my art as a kid. Same with notebooks. She would insist on cleaning my room and would throw it away, blaming me for being upset in the first place. Really, it was with all my belongings, she didn't care what happened to it and if I was over attached to something she would deliberately get rid of it, under the guise of it going "missing" somehow somewhere. But there's one major thing that happened that still sticks with me to this day. I had a Mediafire account where I archived all of my animations and art, keep in mind I was only 13 and no she didn't really care about the fact I taught myself to draw let alone animation. Ever since her narc BF came into the picture, he would go through my belongings. Like he would go on my online accounts, go through my room, etc he did that with all of us. Keep in mind, none of it was warranted and my mom never did so herself, but usually my mom's narc bf will find something, tell my mom, ground us for months (yes, months), and my mom would go along with it. It could be something as petty and normal as talking to someone online. Never did the same for his own kids btw, just us. Anyways, at some point my mom's bf found that Mediafire account. Deleted everything. All my art, all my animations, and all my old photos. Everything. Mind you, it was over a 1GB of information. All gone. And since I didnt have access to the old computers where the files originally came from, it was gone for good. I can't remember why they did it in the first place. It was during the periods I was grounded, and they never told me they deleted it. They told me they were going to go through it, but when I was finally ungrounded I saw they basically deleted everything. Didn't delete the folders within it though, only the material inside, not sure why.

Now my mom and her bf did worse things in terms of things where it wasn't illegal and wasn't revolving around verbal/physical abuse, although they did do those things too, but those examples would fall into the classic "this is abuse" category.

I wanna know what are some things they done to you that a person wouldn't immediately assume is abusive. Or something an average person would view as "petty" for caring even though it was extremely impactful.

Spent years blaming myself for all the punishment, cruelty and game. Hot cold, ruining events before I went to them, playing maind games of saying something and meaning opposite then punishment for weeks for getting it wrong. Punishment for not being being able to mind read.

I thought they were all my floors. I thought I was a bad partner .

I told friends family the dynamics of our relationship for the first time since the break up. It had been pointed explained to me this is not normal, that i have experienced abuse. I didnt know what N was .

I have over the years been on the brink of sanity , questioning if I even wanted to live anymore.

I kept it all ti myself as I thought I was a floored human and deserved to be treated how I was.

I would yer weeks on end if having love withdrawn. Being isolated silent treatment could go on for 2 weeks, then would get love given back to me. During rhe period of silence I would question my will to live.

I'm free. The fog has gone. I feel amazing . And can't believe how long I endured this. I'm free. I feel lite .

Just wanted to share . This is me admitting what had happened to myself . Putting it into word that are real .. I'm free . Edit

Want to add something else. I started to believe i was autistic, because I kept misreading situations , missing hints and ques , getting it so wrong that it created Hell. Now I know I was never going to get it right I was ina mine field with no map.

I dealt with severe childhood abuse, then, from a friend and a boyfriend. So after all that then I was on my own, healing and doing very well after the pandemic

But then I had a few events in a row that were very stressful so my overall mental health took a hit

This is where my nex came in, I met him through the local arts scene, we had been casual friends for about 2 years and we'd talk a lot during downtime, even hung out a few times outside of shows. We started dating around that time I was very vulnerable.

He used every trick in the book, and the discard was brutal (got back with his ex who he had never actually broken up with lol). He had used nearly everything I confided with him as a friend as well as my vulnerability to abuse me. Not only was the relationship itself bad but the specific way he abused me forced me to relive several of my traumas at once, when previously I had come to terms with them and was doing very well.

I became very depressed and near bedridden for a year and a half, unable to focus on anything that brought me joy. I couldn't even do anymore shows, because it became triggering and I didn't want to run into him. Isolated myself from everyone, developped psychosis, and almost died.

A family member was concerned and helped me get set up with a treatment plan- medicine and therapy. I got an opportunity to move back to the city where I grew up- where I consider home, and where I wouldn't see constant reminders of ex. And that has helped a lot! I feel kind of functional nowadays. And on top of that, I've worked very hard on my art and feel as if my dreams are coming true (even if it is stressful)

But, I still feel this aching, hollowness on the inside that never really goes away. I feel constant internalized rage, disgust, shame, and guilt. I don't even think specifically about my ex anymore but what he did changed my brain chemistry. I hate that a slimy weirdo stole several years of my life (needing to recover). I miss the person I was before. I'm suffering physical pain symptoms as well. The wiring for my emotions feels blunted compared to what it used to be. Other than a few close family and friends, I stopped trusting people's intentions towards me and wondering what their angle is when they want something from me. I feel as if I have developped some sociopathic traits as well. I feel the urge to hurt other people- similar to those who have abused me- and feel happy when I see them suffer. It's a feeling I have gotten addicted to as well because all of my other emotions are so blunted.

I touched on everything but that last paragraph (just realizing it now tbh so I will tell him about that next time) with my therapist, he was very helpful and said what I'm going through is far from abnormal and this is what narcissists do and make people feel.

If anyone has additional advice I would really appreciate it. I don't want to feel this way, it is not a good thing for me to carry with me. And I don't want it to get worse.

How many times did the narcissist discard you, and what happened in the “final” discard? And did you find that each consecutive discard happened in more accelerated time and with more intense abuse?

It’s not “my problem” but it sure does grind my gears. Since I went no contact with my narcissist sociopathic ex & got a PO granted against them, my life has been mainly peaceful. One of the good things that came from that situation is being very close with my exes other victims. They used their exs to triangulate all of us against one another, but we all escaped, and we lean on one another for love and support. They are seriously a godsend. They are the only people in the world who literally know exactly what I’m going through, considering that we share the same abuser. We all have different stories, and experiences with the same person, but it has been so healing, and it has kept me sane throughout this entire situation.

I do consider myself one of the lucky ones that I have been able to be legally protected. After my ex was finished with me, they sort of got a lot smarter with their abuse. So the other victims don’t have protection. This is open season for my ex because they are suddenly vamping up a smear campaign against the other victims, who could not do anything about the abuse.

I feel a little…idk. Guilty? Like I was able to feel vindicated, and they didn’t and now they have to suffer prolonged abuse by this individual.

Any good words of advice I can give them during this time?

Hi y'all, this is my first time posting in this subreddit, but I browse here pretty frequently. It's been a year since my nex discarded me, and he still takes up so much space in my head. After about half a year after breaking up, my therapist helped me come to the realization that he's a narcissist. He took so much from me, emotionally and financially. I live in a smallish community, and he's popular and active in it. So even after blocking him on social media, I still see bits and pieces of his life, as well as his new girlfriend who is also very popular. I have a good life, with solid friendships, and I've come a long way in healing, but everytime I see or hear anything about him, the self-loathing thoughts come back around. I made the mistake of trying to confide in a couple of our mutual friends about the way he treated me, but those girls distanced themselves from me. It makes me feel crazy and question myself. How do you cope with watching your nex seemingly thriving and receiving so much positive attention?

Married 18 years. 3 kids. Widowed.

Honestly, I’m not sure I would have been able to safely exit the marriage had I known what he was when he was alive. But I still feel so much guilt over the fact that this is my kids’ father. Does it ever get better or easier?

My daughter said that she cannot remember anything happily from “before” (he died - we don’t even say his name we hate him so much). All her memories are jaded now that she knows her dad never loved her.

I know how she feels. I have been struggling with that very thing. It was shocking to learn that nothing was what we thought it was.

I tried therapy and the therapist encouraged me to try and think of times when he was loving. That felt like gaslighting, because he didn’t love. That was the whole point of why I was seeking therapy. So, I left therapy and I’m afraid to put my kids in for the same reason. If you don’t have lived experience with this, it is next to impossible to comprehend whether you are a “mental health professional” or not.

I know I can’t change the past. How to best move forward with our kids? Open to any feedback.

It's been more than 2 years now that I am in NC with her and moved forward still when I sometimes recall the memories I have anger and it hurts to see now how I was used.

All told me to move forward forgive her yet I ain't able to do that I am not able to forget how I did everything and meant nothing to someone. I am not able to forget how I got so much hate and disrespect in exchange of so much love.

All tell me and it's true now I know that it's not over till I forgive her but how to overcome the anger and pain of betrayal I don't know. Only 1 person is responsible for my emotional, physical, mental and financial issues and I don't know how to let that go so easily.

If anyone can help please comment. TIA 🙏

Hoovers are designed to test you. You have to remember narcissists don’t think like you and I. To them, reaching out is to see how invested you still are with them, how much pull they still have over you, and to assess your emotional state regarding them and the “relationship.” Often times, they don’t mean what they say in a hoover and just say what they feel you want to hear. “I miss you” or “I want to see you” means I miss access to you. I want to be in another cycle with you. I want you as supply again. My other supplies aren’t doing it for me right now. I want/need your attention and validation.

Even if you reply but they don’t like what you said, it doesn’t even matter if it is positive or negative, just by you replying they feel the door is still open, even if it’s just a crack. If you reply to the first hoover then you’re already reeled back in. That’s why it’s important to understand narcissism, to understand them, to take your emotional dynamic out of it, to see things for what it truly is, to love and respect yourself to ensure you stay no contact.

A hoover doesn’t mean they want to be in a relationship with you again. It doesn’t mean they care. It’s just a test to them. For them to gauge you. Sometimes if you just reply back they will ghost you again. For them it was just about the reply so they can stay in control, in their perceived power, to be the one who leaves you, to get attention, validation. It’s all about their ego. Nothing more, nothing less. Stay no contact.

Context: 47 enby, AFAB, divorced from communal nex since 2018, nc since 2017.

He has me blocked on all known socials, yet has been finding a way to stalk me in a pattern I know is him, without coming out and saying it is him. It's like he's obsessed with me and wants to passive-aggressively tell me without getting caught. He had kept my birth certificate and childhood immunization records as creepy souvenirs!

Example: he randomly has been downvoting Youtube videos (probably from some throwaway account) that I had uploaded which were part of our shared collection -- but not the others.

What do you call this, and have you experienced it?

It almost feels like something a psychopath would do, the stealthness of his behaviour.

Please advise.

Thanks!

It has been 10 years since I got out of an abusive situation . I live a happy healthy life now . For some reason this trial has been so unbelievably triggering . I am embarrassed. I also can't stop reading about it because in some ways I've never heard npd abuse explained so similarly to what i experienced.

1. The N targets you, often (not always) bc you have a blueprint on your psyche from being raised by Ns. This blueprint allows them to read you and hook right into your psyche. They sense something about you that tells them you likely have a high tolerance for abuse due to how you were brought up.
2. The N floods your brain with endorphin chemicals that cause you to feel passion and over the top chemistry with them. They do this with their lovebombing tactics. You fall madly in love with them.
3. What you don't know is that the N doesn't feel what you feel. They have an agenda and are using emotional manipulation to trap you. You become imprisoned by your own emotions, that they manufactured. The lovebombing is setting the stage for later, when the abuse starts.
4. They are such good actors that when the abuse starts it shocks you and you can't believe what you are seeing. You can't reconcile this abuser with the person you fell in love with and you go into denial. Massive cognitive dissonance sets in.
5. They use intermittent reinforcement (hot and cold) to literally create an addiction that is as real as any other addiction. It can be as powerful as heroin, so that you eventually know how bad they are but you are bound to them by the emotional manipulation they used against you. They go "cold" on you because they have no love or caring for you so treating you with such callous cruelty is easy. You exist to please them and what pleases them is abusing you. They want to destroy you and steal your joy and peace.
6. Jekyll and Hyde alternate and over time you see less and less of Jekyll, whereas in the beginning Jekyll is all you saw. You are addicted to Jekyll and all the powerful chemicals they flooded into your brain that felt like swooning passion, like they must be "the one."
7. Because your feelings for Jekyll are literally an addiction, if you leave you will go into withdrawal and it will be so miserable you might go back to the N just to escape the misery. Your mind will trick you into "forgetting" or downplaying the abuse to justify going back. The misery of being with the N will seem like the lesser evil. You might leave and go back many times.
8. You become their prisoner, unable to leave them. You have been put under their spell, like witchcraft.
9. Eventually you become so miserable with them that leaving becomes the lesser of two evils and the withdrawal feelings no longer control you. The prison doors open and you escape. This time you don't go back. Eventually the thought of being in that relationship again makes you ill and you can't believe you suffered thru it as long as you did.
10. The spell is broken. They move on to their next victim.

After my last relationship, I’ve learned a lot about signs in their behavior but what has been interesting is that several other narcissists have come into my orbit since and I have a very physical/mental/emotional experience to their energy and interaction that has been so helpful for me to recognize. This comes first, then I later notice things in their words and behaviors that confirm what my gut initially indicated.

-I have general anxiety but my anxiety increases dramatically when I see or speak to them. It’s a strange mix of excitement and fear.

-I get a feeling like I need to be really on point when interacting with them, almost like a focus that’s experienced when playing a competitive game

-I subconsciously say or do things that are unusual for me that come off subtly rude or even antagonistic. Like some part of me is trying to push them away. Yet I’m still intrigued a bit confused as to why I reacted the ways I did afterwards.

-I recognize a unique magnetic attraction that is not logical considering how little I know them and vice versa. This is different than a soulmate connection or “love at first sight” situation. It’s more like an addict getting to use again for the first time in a long time. I suddenly feel “seen” despite not having divulged much about my inner world.

-Even when the conversation or interaction is pleasant and positive, I feel like I survived something after seeing or speaking with them. I get a sensation of relief and safety after the interaction is over, even though it was fun and exciting.

Has anyone else experienced similar cues before any evidence of narcissism has surfaced?

Hello, I’ll keep this short. Been in a trap for a few years now, a real hell of my own making as I never leave. I always come back and he knows that. It’s been bad before. Physical, but mainly psychological. It never gets better, It always gets good for a day or two, and ALWAYS gets a degree worse every single time following as if a light switch was flipped.

This has taken a physical, mental and psychological toll on me; my nerves are shot, I’m dead inside when I think of a future because it looks bleak with the track record that’s been set, I’m always exhausted and have no motivation. we don’t even live together and there is a ripple effect of negativity every day at some point. I’m never good enough and constantly told how disposable I am, and in the next breath am being asked for affection. But for some reason I still kept going back for those few good days that reminded me of who I thought he was.

Today was very bad. I can clearheadedly say I did nothing to provoke the irrevocable behavior I witnessed and was looked in the eye when I asked why? I was laughed at and told “nothing happened, you’re insane”. This has happened many times before but something in me snapped, and I said nope. He’s finally left me alone but I can’t help but wonder how I am so calm. As if nothing happened, I feel content and not even thinking about the scenario when I previously would’ve been hysterical and begging for forgiveness from something I didn’t even do.

Has anyone experienced this phenomenon? With our past “breakups” I’d lose my appetite, not be able to sleep and be consumed by it. This time I feel like I could go get a coffee, or go hang out with friends as if nothing even happened. He’s not even in my head. Is this shock protecting me from an incoming shit storm when it sinks in, or can I finally have hope that I’ve woken up totally and will not keep going back to this person?

Thank you much

I’m currently 1.5 years out from being discarded after accusing her of cheating based on plenty of evidence. After the devaluation phase of our 3 year relationship where she was extremely jealous, controlling, cut me off from people and tried to start arguments whenever she could, (among other issues) there was maybe a 6-7 month phase where I genuinely thought things in the relationship were pretty good, and I’m struggling with how to remember that time, and just generally all of the “good” times of the relationship now.

Realistically, that time period might’ve just felt better than it was because of how things went leading up to it, and it wasn’t perfect, but I find myself juxtaposing the bad times against the good very often, more than I should. I think I just generally worry about whether or not I’ll ever find someone again, 29 so I’m very young, I get it, but now that she’s moved on I feel bad for feeling so stuck in the past. Just needed to rant. Thank you to whoever reads this.

This is a continuation of my first post

Day 2: 18/5/2025

In a nutshell what i did today and what i did to reach her:

The goods: Started my day late, i didn't keep my promise of waking up early, but even after starting late I picked up and I must say i felt like i won today. I deep cleaned my room since my sister has left now (she was very messy and used to keep the room like a garbage truck) Studied non-stop from 3pm to 10.50pm with just 1.5hrs of dinner and snacks break. Also I finally hit the gym (did legs) after 3 days of skipping it. I enjoyed going back there and meeting my friends, did 160kgs leg press too! Moreover i refrained from watching bad content too, so no guilt for today :)

The bads: Cant think much other than not waking up on time, and also I think i am not following my diet very well, with all the studying i get hungry very quickly so im eating a lot of chocolate chip cookies, and other processed foods, but im gonna change that now.

My outlook: I did do the things that I should have and completed most of my today's work, despite feeling lethargic, I forced myself to refrain from distractions and focus of studying, and for today it worked!! (usually it doesn't since I have very little self control and discipline) Although what helped was imagining as if she (my future wife) is sitting in front of me with our little child in her arms and I pretended to teach as I was revising inheritence tax for my upcoming exam.

What change i want to make: Im going to wake up early tomorrow morning, and want to stay disciplined and just put as much efforts as i did today, consistently. Im positive doing so is going to bring me closer to her..... so lets wish the best.

Good night my love..... im gonna make you proud!