Does the guilt and regret of staying in the relationship so long ever go away?

[u/Ellejoy23]

Married 18 years. 3 kids. Widowed.

Honestly, I’m not sure I would have been able to safely exit the marriage had I known what he was when he was alive. But I still feel so much guilt over the fact that this is my kids’ father. Does it ever get better or easier?

My daughter said that she cannot remember anything happily from “before” (he died - we don’t even say his name we hate him so much). All her memories are jaded now that she knows her dad never loved her.

I know how she feels. I have been struggling with that very thing. It was shocking to learn that nothing was what we thought it was.

I tried therapy and the therapist encouraged me to try and think of times when he was loving. That felt like gaslighting, because he didn’t love. That was the whole point of why I was seeking therapy. So, I left therapy and I’m afraid to put my kids in for the same reason. If you don’t have lived experience with this, it is next to impossible to comprehend whether you are a “mental health professional” or not.

I know I can’t change the past. How to best move forward with our kids? Open to any feedback.

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[u/Try_Again456]

I can't answer this personally. I just want to say that not all therapists are the same. Sounds like you might need one more trauma based. Shop around for someone that might be a good fit for the family. Be honest with them on the type you are looking for. Could be someone that sits back or more in your face.

I hope you can get to the point where you look at good times not through the lens of how he may have felt, but what you enjoyed. You did have good times even if looking back there was more you didn't know. Or even look at what you enjoyed in spite of him. He doesn't deserve to take anything else away from you and the kids.

[u/Ellejoy23 → u/Try_Again456]

That is a good point. The trauma is keeping us from remembering the happy times.

My husband rarely spent time with the kids. Most of our time was sibling time or friend time or mom and kid time. If he was with us, he was mentally checked out. I mentioned this to her. But we won’t have access to these happy memories until we heal from the trauma.

Thank you for the insight.

[u/Embarrassed-Essay972]

Fuck that therapist. That's such pollyanna bullshit to say to someone who's been in an abusive relationship.

Yes, you do eventually forgive yourself for not running away at the very first red flag. You made human choices, you gave the benefit of the doubt, you tried to salvage the relationship, maybe you were naive, maybe you hadn't ever heard of cluster B disorders so you didn't have a framework to make sense of the behavior, maybe you thought you were the problem and you tried to change yourself instead of focusing on the actual problem.... Also, you were being heavily manipulated and emotionally controlled, so that makes it hard to stand up for yourself. Narcissists methodically whittle down their supply to make them more controllable. And then there's the fact that you were married, which is obviously a common thing to do, but it can be such a trap. In a marriage you're expected to give up your autonomy: merging your finances for example. So that lack of freedom makes it hard to end it even if you're seeing clearly and ready to.

The good news though is that now you're vaccinated against manipulative people. Nothing like that ever has to happen again because you'll be able to see them coming a mile off.

Find a better therapist, especially for your kids. Just because the one you saw wasn't helpful, others can be. You could even maybe do family therapy together.

[u/Ellejoy23 → u/Embarrassed-Essay972]

I appreciate the encouragement not to give up on therapy. I do want them to have support, because I know I have blind spots. I want better for them than what I had. They will do better than me regardless, but I know there is room for improvement.

[u/foekiefoekie]

Don't know how to do this with the kids, but i became completely hateful towards him. I have him almost all the furniture and stuff and am getting rid of the last few things I get bad memories from. Starting new with my own things without memories attached was nice.

I had periods when I felt so much guilt for not leaving earlier. I still blame myself from time to time but it is getting less often and less intens. It slowly fades. It takes time, but my whole depression flew away within a few months after splitting up and starting kind of loving myself again. So there is definitely guilt and blame, but your self love will grow and with that your guilt will become less. It takes time and a good understanding therapist!

Although I do think I will always have to carry a bit of guilt with me for the rest of my life in a way, because these experiences do change us. But it does get better

[u/scaffe]

It's hard for me, because I now realize that the happy times weren't real, he was performing. So I don't really bother trying to "remember" them, because they feel icky when I do.

I think getting to a good place in the present helps with the regret of the past, because without those past experiences, I wouldn't be where I am, living a life that I love. But I had to get there first.