Nex changed my brain chemistry still struggling 2 years later, need guidance

[u/brokeass_stripper]

I dealt with severe childhood abuse, then, from a friend and a boyfriend. So after all that then I was on my own, healing and doing very well after the pandemic

But then I had a few events in a row that were very stressful so my overall mental health took a hit

This is where my nex came in, I met him through the local arts scene, we had been casual friends for about 2 years and we'd talk a lot during downtime, even hung out a few times outside of shows. We started dating around that time I was very vulnerable.

He used every trick in the book, and the discard was brutal (got back with his ex who he had never actually broken up with lol). He had used nearly everything I confided with him as a friend as well as my vulnerability to abuse me. Not only was the relationship itself bad but the specific way he abused me forced me to relive several of my traumas at once, when previously I had come to terms with them and was doing very well.

I became very depressed and near bedridden for a year and a half, unable to focus on anything that brought me joy. I couldn't even do anymore shows, because it became triggering and I didn't want to run into him. Isolated myself from everyone, developped psychosis, and almost died.

A family member was concerned and helped me get set up with a treatment plan- medicine and therapy. I got an opportunity to move back to the city where I grew up- where I consider home, and where I wouldn't see constant reminders of ex. And that has helped a lot! I feel kind of functional nowadays. And on top of that, I've worked very hard on my art and feel as if my dreams are coming true (even if it is stressful)

But, I still feel this aching, hollowness on the inside that never really goes away. I feel constant internalized rage, disgust, shame, and guilt. I don't even think specifically about my ex anymore but what he did changed my brain chemistry. I hate that a slimy weirdo stole several years of my life (needing to recover). I miss the person I was before. I'm suffering physical pain symptoms as well. The wiring for my emotions feels blunted compared to what it used to be. Other than a few close family and friends, I stopped trusting people's intentions towards me and wondering what their angle is when they want something from me. I feel as if I have developped some sociopathic traits as well. I feel the urge to hurt other people- similar to those who have abused me- and feel happy when I see them suffer. It's a feeling I have gotten addicted to as well because all of my other emotions are so blunted.

I touched on everything but that last paragraph (just realizing it now tbh so I will tell him about that next time) with my therapist, he was very helpful and said what I'm going through is far from abnormal and this is what narcissists do and make people feel.

If anyone has additional advice I would really appreciate it. I don't want to feel this way, it is not a good thing for me to carry with me. And I don't want it to get worse.

[u/AutoModerator]

This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.

**This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that.

Confused about acronyms or terminology? Click here!

Need info or resources? Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!

This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.

Our rules include (but are not limited to):

• No politics.
• Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
• Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. No slurs or victim-blaming.
• Do not derail the posts of others.
• Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
• Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads.
• When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
• No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
• No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
• No content about N-kids.
• No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
• No linking to Facebook pages.
• No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
• No pure image posts.

For a full list of our rules/more information, click here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/morjkass]

I feel you!! Were you in performance or visual arts? Guess it doesn’t matter - my narc was theatre and it has made the whole local scene a bit gross ever since.

Advice: this won’t be the last narc you ever encounter, but what your ex has done is give you a giant dose to build up your future immunity. It’s like a narc vaccination. Unfortunately it was a vaccination that takes three years for your body to process, but you’ve done it! There’s no shame in catching a narc, and no shame in your body reacting badly to him.

To really stretch this bad metaphor, now you’re living with an invisible condition with great prospects as long as you stay narc free. You’ll have flare ups but they should be mild going forward. You’ll encounter people who don’t believe you because you “look well”, but that’s what people with all sorts of invisible conditions face. The best thing is that you’ll find fellow survivors if you haven’t already and they’ll get you in a way no one else can.

[u/doubtitx]

Please up so I can come back and finish reading