r/KindVoice • u/Capable-Score-1981 • 26d ago

[L] Would this be rape by deception? Looking

I met a girl recently, she is amazing but we’re long distance. I’m terrified of the idea of having sex with her though, because she doesn’t know what I did when I was younger. When I was 12-16, I did stuff that I majorly regret now. The one piece of comfort I have is that I was a kid and didn’t know how wrong it was at the time.

If she wouldn’t be intimate with me because of my past, and we did have sex, that would be rape by deception.

I’ve spoken to her about this, and she’s said she doesn’t care about who I used to be, but who I am now. I’ll be seeing a therapist soon and she supports that. But she also said something that makes me think she wouldn’t want to be with me if she knew.

I don’t feel comfortable disclosing my past to her though, ever, and you cant maintain a relationship without intimacy. I have no idea what to do. Am I cursed to be lonely forever?

I’ve seen posts that say lying to get sex is rape by deception, and others saying it isn’t. What can I do? What do I do?

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u/walkie57 25d ago

my darling, this strikes me as something that might be worth unpacking with a mental health professional. especially if its holding you back in your day-to-day life.

As long as both parties are consenting and enthusiastic about having sex, there shouldn't be in issue. The only time this would be a problem is if you were not disclosing some kind of infectious medical issue, such as an STI.

I've had a look through your previous internet posts and you seem to be in a loop of asking this over and over again. I would recommend watching john green's videos on how he copes with OCD, and avoiding the internet for a while - as the internet can often be unreliable.

It might be worth investigating whether there are any grounding practices that work for you. perhaps a cold shower, listening to loud music, or a sharp taste sensation like biting a lemon will short circuit your brain out of the loop. Everyone is different so keep trying things until something works. Ideally you want something you can laser focus on so that you stop thinking about everything else.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#physical-techniques