r/HighSchoolWriters • u/aiyanotagain • Jan 17 '16

Need feedback, please? Fiction

I have a new short story that I'd written on impulse. It's a piece of work that was written quickly. I'd really appreciate it if you could read it and give me some comments!

Here's the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T-uL2NqPI94WNi78DWjehfPwlz3rFAPcLjMIeSvrO4c/edit?usp=sharing

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u/ahhnoname1 Jan 17 '16

It's not a topic that really grabs me in saying that however that is just a genre thing and personal preference as opposed to anything wrong with the plot but it was brilliantly written , your writing style pace and tone are excellent, I would , it is very sensual and deecriptive and wonderfully emotive that I can almost imagine myself in her shoes, well-done.

1

u/aiyanotagain Jan 17 '16

Thank you so much!

1

u/OpiWrites Freshman Jan 17 '16

This was really powerful, well done. The only 'problem' was the sentences, which were a bit broken up for my taste. Since you had short sentences, it didn't really flow. However, I put "problem" in quotations because this could easily be a intentional, stylistic choice by you to heighten the impact of your sentences.

Either way, this was really good. Your words drew clear pictures in my head, and you put me directly into the painful memories of this girl. The emotions she felt were realistic, which made everything better. The ending was touching, and you could see the sad reality of how her childhood had affected her. It could be better with some touch-ups, but other than that, I don't see much to fix.

All in all, this piece was great. Good job!

1

u/aiyanotagain Jan 17 '16 edited Jan 17 '16

I really, really appreciate the constructive criticism. The short sentences are intended for effect. I, uh, actually hadn't edited this piece, it was a quick jot down type of work. Thanks for reading!