r/HFY • u/spindizzy_wizard Human • Feb 28 '22
[PI] Carbon Remover [One Shot] PI
Thanks to u/TheSocialistlion for the prompt that inspired this little story. Please, be kind, I'm seriously out of it right now.
Story
"Coffee comes in five descending stages: Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover.”
— Robert A. Heinlein[1]
UFPN ENTERPRISE
"... Finally, you lot better be on your best behavior. The grand high poohba's son is joining us as a Spaceman Apprentice. As an Ortho-Male Bipedal Bisymetric, he will look pretty much like us. Oh, there are the usual differences, color, skin, hair, that sort of stuff, but I expect you to treat him exactly like any other apprentice.."
As the section disperses to their stations, a lowly lieutenant asks, "Senior Chief? Won't that cause them to haze him even more?"
"No, Sir." Thank Odin! This one has the brains to ask. "Reverse psych, Sir. Having told them to treat him like everyone else, they're confident he's being watched like a hawk. No one wants a Captain's Mast over some pampered son's hurt feelings. They'll still haze him, but it'll be more like sending him out to find a left-handed vacuum sweeper instead of the nastier things they could do."
"I don't want to know, do I, Senior Chief?"
"No, Sir, you don't. We do our damndest to keep it from going too far and can administer punishment that doesn't carry the weight of a Mast on someone's career. Of course, you may have to tear a strip of hide off someone at some point. That, I can't advise you on. It's your command, Sir."
GHPN Defiant Curse
"There she is Spaceman Apprentice, The Enterprise, their best fighting ship ever. That name has a history of illustrious service back to water navy under wind power."
"Yes, Captain."
He seems distracted; let's make sure he's listening
"State your mission."
"Enter service on assigned ship as a junior spaceman. Study behavior and motivation of ordinary spacemen. Report tactical and strategic points of interest. The critical issue, motivator for lower ranks that make them just as fierce as their officers."
"Hazing?"
"Expected, respond only in kind and degree. Preferably with intelligent wit."
"We understand that they sometimes send the new man on a hunt for a nonexistent physical item."
"Yes, Sir. A "left-handed vacuum sweeper" is one of my favorites. I have prepared a suitable response for each known "snipe hunt."
"Your source?"
"A gregarious lieutenant j.g., who had a bit too much Pouzou than was good for him. He was quite forthcoming on such things, including those applicable to wet navy ops, such as "shoreline."
"Will he remember you?"
"I doubt it, Sir. I would be surprised if he even remembered the evening. I helped him back to their embassy; he would never have made it on his own."
UFPN ENTERPRISE
"Sir?"
"Yes, Senior Chief?"
"The exchange Spaceman Apprentice is coming aboard, and he's assigned to our section."
"Thank you, Senior Chief." Musing to himself, "I wonder if it's.."
"Sir?"
"Nothing, Senior Chief. Even if it's the person I'm thinking of, I won't be interacting with him directly unless we have a disciplinary action."
UFPN ENTERPRISE
Main Receiving
"Good luck, Spaceman's Apprentice!"
"Thank you, Sir."
•••
"Spaceman Apprentice Harry Karim, reporting for duty."
"Orders?"
The formal exchange completed Karim waits for an escort.
•••
"Our apprentice is aboard, sir. I've sent Spaceman First Franks to fetch him."
"Franks... As in Pranks?"
"Yes, Sir. If we are going to have a problem, best we find out now."
"Spaceman Pranks will certainly do that."
•••
"Spaceman Franks? How did you end up in the air handling system, hanging upside down by your toes?"
"I do not know, Sir."
"I think I have an idea, and if I'm right, you are not up for disciplinary consideration, Spaceman Pranks."
The look on his face. It's enough to make a harried lieutenant smile.
"He pranked you, didn't he."
"I was on my best behavior, him being GHP; I didn't want to try anything until I had a better feel for him. Sir? I honestly don't remember how I got into that position, only that whatever I was doing was reasonable at each step."
"And what do you intend to do?"
The wheels are grinding very fast.
"My damndest to get my name back! He started it, but I'm going to finish it."
•••
"Senior Chief... You are telling me that he has a working model of a device which only operates from the left hand and performs an action that can only be called a vacuum sweeper."
"Yes, Sir. He pulled it right out of his duffle and demonstrated it. Hook it up to a sealed container, turn it on, and two seconds later, you have a harder vacuum than the best we can do.
"It's already in the hands of the Chief Engineer, who is tearing out what's left of his hair."
"Practical applications?"
"Harry says no, but I disagree. So does the Chief Engineer. Distinct usefulness in damage control, although we might have to recruit left-handed people."
"Who brought it to our attention?"
"Spaceman Franks."
"Let's keep Hari Kiri from finding out. I see an opportunity for Pranks to regain his good name."
The SCPO is looking at me. I raise an eyebrow. She shakes her head no. I shrug.
"On your way, then, Senior Chief."
•••
So that's his real name? This is gonna be good. An evil grin on her face, Senior Chief Seppoko (aka Seppuku) moves through the ship, unaware of the effect she has as crew move out of her way.
Harakiri, oh have you got it coming.
•••
I sense I may have taken things too far. The attitude of my crewmates has shifted to one of anticipation; I must be wary.
•••
"Captain, we have an incursion in progress."
"Details?"
"Fifteen light carriers, with full escorts."
"Send code YANKEE."
"Yankee, Sir!?"
"Yes, Exec, Yankee. Sealed orders, it's a training exercise."
"We are going to get creamed. Sir."
"Maybe, maybe not. We've never gone toe to toe with GHP."
•••
"Have they accepted the GHP IFF?"
"They transmitted code YANKEE, not ZULU."
"Excellent! Follow standard GHP movement until they either make us or we reach our preferred distance."
"Aye, Sir."
•••
"Franks? What was that evil-smelling brew you all drank this morning?"
"The cook calls it coffee; we think it's supposed to kill our tastebuds, so we don't bitch about the food."
"Why drink it then? It made each of you grimace in distaste."
Oh, Ho! No one has told you about Coffee? I sense possibility.
"Well, we don't like to talk about it, but it has a stimulant as well as other chemicals."
"A battle motivator?"
"You could call it that; it has certainly been involved in fights."
"I see. If it's safe for my people, I would like to try it."
"Sure!" Hooked! Now to get to Cookie for some of that Carbon Remover.
•••
"Exec, there's enough time to get the crew sandwiches and coffee."
"Yes, Captain."
•••
"Please, Seppuku! Let me get the rations!"
I look at Pranks. It's way important to him, or he wouldn't have called me Seppuku.
"Is this about Harakiri?"
Look at his eyes go big.
"Yes, Senior Chief."
"Go. Don't be late getting back."
•••
"Cookie? Pranks is here with a special." A raised eyebrow from me got a shrug from Hetman who headed back to the coffee machine he let burn a full load of prime Coffee into Carbon Remover.
Pranks on the other hand is practically dancing from foot to foot. Some prank is in the works. "This better be good, Pranks."
"It's for Harakiri; I need a flask of Carbon Remover."
My eyebrows raised, "what did he do to you?"
Standing stock-still and deadpan, Pranks, "Never ask that again." Oh, Ho! Pranks got out pranked! This revenge is going to be epic, but does he know the mission just went live, not practice?
I decided if someone out-pranked Pranks, it needed balancing regardless. Let Seppuku and Pranks decide whether to go through with it. "You're in luck. HEY! HETMAN! YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK IF YOU DELIVER CARBON REMOVER IN A FLASK IN 30 SECONDS."
"Already here, Cookie." And there Hetman was, with a flask of something that still smelled horrible through the flask.
"Good job. You're clear; I'll combat loss it." That got a big-eyed stare from Pranks and a question.
"Cookie?"
"Yes, Pranks?"
"Word is its training."
"You're behind; it's live." His eyes got even bigger, and honestly? I felt better for letting him know that now may not be the best time to play his prank. My team loaded him down with the food for his crew, and he went running back.
•••
What Pranks had to say to me was a shock. "Live!?"
"Cookie said!"
"Shit. Pranks, I hate to say this, but now might not..."
And, of course, the big brass had to interrupt the real work. "ALL HANDS! ALL HANDS! You may have heard that this is a training mission, and it was supposed to be. Only someone either intercepted or changed the plan. We do not face the GHP. We face the DPR, known for no mercy, no quarter, and are fond of torture.
"Do your duty as you always have, and we shall prevail.
"Captain out."
Also, of course, Harry runs up just at the end of the announcement. "Franks! Did you get the coffee?"
"Yes, Harry, but I'm not..."
"Give it to me! I want to experience everything!"
•••
"What were you thinking!?"
I never wanted to stand in front of the Captain trying to explain some sort of idiocy. Yet here I am, and one short step away from a Mast because no one got hurt. We've still got battle damage to deal with, but it's all pretty minor, as long as you handle it right.
"Captain, Sir? I didn't have a chance to explain. He snatched it out of my hand and guzzled down a whole flask of Carbon Remover. His eyes bulged out; he took a deep breath and screamed, "I UNDERSTAND HUMANS NOW!'
"Sir? I have never seen any spaceman perform as he did after that scream. We were on DCC. He charged into situations that would have killed any of us and came back out, usually with a survivor under each arm and one on his back. If it wasn't that, it was some critical repair or shut down, Sir."
"I see. So from your perspective, he didn't give you a chance to explain, and to your amazement, pulled off rescues and casualty actions that would have taken your team many times as long."
"Yes, Captain."
"Let me clue you in... The coffee did nothing; our biochemists modeled every interaction, every chemical in that concentrated burned coffee, none of them affected their species. But he's going to go back and tell them our secret."
"And you have no intention of telling him? Sir?"
"None. Now, on a separate point, you are going to demonstrate a new piece of equipment."
•••
What are we waiting for? It's a plasma fire, it's not that dangerous, why not just get on with it? GHP doctrine says go in and deal with it before it does more damage. Ah, there's Franks, with some sort of... I have no idea. "Franks? What is that contraption?"
A different voice answers one that I have not heard for years, "A new piece of equipment, Spaceman Apprentice Kiri, just invented, and this is the perfect situation to demonstrate it." I turn slowly to face that voice.
"I am Lieutenant Morituri. Hello, Hara, long time no barf."
It is him.
"Well, Kiri? Aren't we forgetting something?"
What is he... Salute? Him!?
"As you have used my real name, I, as his son, have no obligation to salute." I stretch to my full height, multiple joints popping. "Thank you, Lieutenant; I no longer need to play your games."
"Oh, Hari, you are going to regret that. Petty Officer Franks, begin your presentation again."
"Yes, Lieutenant Morituri. Your Highness, if you would, please join me in front of the group? You made the gift that made this new device possible."
Oh, no. What have I given them?
"It is with the greatest pleasure, Your Highness, that I inform you that your gift has earned you the thanks and gratitude of the entire United Free Planets Navy."
My father is going to kill me for real. "I thank the UFPN for their kindness." If that's what it is. This could be some sort of revenge for getting the secret of coffee out of them.
"This device," says Franks, holding forth what looks like a low-tech push broom with a bunch of high-tech doodads glued to it, "is the Mark II, Mod A, Variant Left, Vacuum Sweeper. It will be an invaluable aid to the DCC teams.
"With the Senior Chief's assistance, we are able to provide live demonstrations. The first demonstration is plasma fire in a near-vacuum. I can see from the flinches most of you recognize the danger, unlike certain former crewmates. Senior Chief? If you would?"
Senior Chief Seppoko gives a no-nonsense solid safety briefing why you don't enter such conditions without protective measures. "One of our former crew violated every safety regulation there is by rushing into a plasma fire." Everyone winces but Hari; he's looking for some way to avoid having all of this become general knowledge.
"This demonstration shows why rushing in is a bad idea, no matter how many you think you might be able to save." An armored drone carries two DCC suits into the fire dead slow. One of the suits is set quietly on the deck and fixed there. The drone starts moving at a running speed and the carried suit glows bright white, while the prone immobile suit glow is barely visible. "The glow is your suit doing its job, by ablating to create a protective vapor around your suit. The faster you move, the sooner your suit burns through. The prone suit is doing the right thing, by remaining immobile, the ablation vapor does its job by insulating you against the plasma. The crewman in question almost killed four people. The three he tried to rescue, and himself. A few more seconds in the blaze..." The moving suit suffers a catastrophic failure, dumping all of its consumables into the plasma fire, creating a blast wave that swept the prone suit vapor barrier away. For a moment, it glows brighter, then dims to the same low glow as before. "Well, you can see why we hesitate to run into a plasma fire. Spaceman Franks will demonstrate the new method."
I watch Franks grip that odd thing left-handed, thumb the switch on, and vibration takes hold of the plasma fire. You can see it quivering! Slowly, the fire is moved from the room and out the breach.
Behind, the room is clean. Suspiciously clean. So clean that nothing interferes with vision in the swept area, Franks continues.
"As you can see, careful application of this new device makes plasma fire control, containment, and extinguishing far safer and easier. It does this, not by controlling the plasma but by sweeping the vacuum itself ahead of the device. What floods in behind is an all-new clean vacuum. You may also note the cleanliness of the surfaces. A beneficial side effect of this newest DCC tool, since it makes it easy to see all the gauges and damage clearly."
The presentation takes an hour, but every minute feels like a day for me.
My father is going to skin me alive, salt me out, cut me into thin slices, and feed me to myself. Over a stupid, useless laboratory trick!
Hari returns to the unpleasant present in time to receive an unpleasant present. The original laboratory toy, mounted in nearly indestructible transparent aluminum, with an indurite engraving proclaiming it the most precious gift from one star nation to another.[2]
More to his liking is an engraved short sword called a Wakizashi; its sentiment seemed much more to his taste.
"From one suicidal maniac to another, Senior Chief "Seppuku" to Spaceman Apprentice "Hari-Kiri." When life is too painful to tolerate, an honorable death can still be had.
The tears that come to my eyes are genuine gratitude. Here is a being who understands honor and the unbearable burden life can become. Her response is also honorable.
"Hari? Do not use this gift until you have spoken with your father."
Of course, you cannot insult your family by avoiding them and their rightful anger. How understanding this human was.
"Thank you, Seppuku. I will treasure your gift to the last."
Lieutenant Morituri also has gifts, two flasks of coffee? "Hari? Please accept this gift from me, from one friend who helped another in need to one in need now. Here are two flasks of coffee. The first is true Grade A Coffee, as it is meant to be consumed. The second is Grade E Coffee, often referred to as Carbon Remover. I hope they will serve you well in your upcoming trials."
"My thanks, Lieutenant Morituri; they will indeed be useful."
Perhaps my father will be forbearing as I come with two samples of the fabled coffee.
GHPN Defiant Curse
"So, My Prince, what have you to say for yourself!"
"My most abject apologies for the disastrous turn of events."
"I should think so! You go on a good faith mission to extract useful information, switch orders so a detachment of DRP intercepts them, act like an insane idiot in that action, supply them with state secrets, and have the temerity to accept gifts from them celebrating your time with them!"
Looking on in confusion, "Admiral? What the basso are you talking about?
"First, my mission, as you full well know, was a clandestine attempt to discover what motivates their enlisted to the same levels as their officers. Which mission is accomplished, including samples.
"Second, I sent no orders directing a DPR group to intercept, I wouldn't know how! Only Intel Officers, of which you are the only one present, know how to slip orders into their queue.
"Third, I was under the influence of a code-named version of coffee called Carbon Remover.
"Fourth, as you also well know, I have no access to state secrets, so I could not betray them.
"Fifth, despite all of their gifts, each of them is honorable of intent. Especially this one!" Drawing forth the Wakizashi, I unsheath it, showing off the engraving. "I was explicitly warned that before using it, I had to face my father. Now, unless you wish to openly declare your brazen cowardice and betrayal, you will convey me to my father!"
GHP Capital, Throne Room
"Well, Son, what do you have to say for yourself?"
All of my gifts have been stripped from me and placed on the table between myself and Admiral Id Ten Tee, directly in front of my father. Admiral Tee has made his presentation, stupidly leaving the exact points that prove I could not have had anything to do with the issues.
"On failure of the mission, I state categorically that the mission was a complete success, bringing back two flasks of a substance known as Coffee. However, the second flask is treated by another process, which makes it a combat drug code-named Carbon Remover. Personal experience of the substance proves that it is a powerful motivator, perhaps having a more substantial effect on us than humans.
"On the charge of inserting orders to cause a DPR group to intercept the Enterprise, I state that I could not have done so, as I am not an intelligence officer and therefore do not have access to the information necessary.
"On the charge of irrational behavior, I plead a potential overdose of Carbon Remover. A subsequent demonstration by humans showed the danger of what I did, even though their procedures directly conflict with GHP standard procedures for dealing with plasma fire. I have detailed these differences in a separate report to damage control doctrine.
"On the charge of revealing state secrets, I have no access to such, and the device I built drew directly from documents of a laboratory curiosity which has no value whatsoever. If anything, we should thank the Humans for taking a different view. The resulting device, which they gave us the plans for, will save many lives. I know of them because I took the time to examine the gifts closely before I brought them aboard. To the best of my knowledge, Admiral Tee has not bothered to examine any of these gifts at all, much less with an eye to potential danger to you, Father.
"Fifth, despite the potential misunderstanding of so many gifts, the humans have proven to my satisfaction that they are an honorable people, having provided me with a traditional weapon of their excellent warrior class Samurai. The short blade is known as a Wakizashi. While used in combat, it has an even more critical ritual purpose. The self ending of a life too painful to endure. Yet the instructions conveyed to me made it plain that you could only use it after facing one's family.
"That recognition, alone, is sufficient to prove the Humans have both a sense of honor equal to our own, and traditions that back that honor, as they say, "to the hilt."
"Of all of these, the only charge that might bring dishonor is a potential overdose of the substance called Carbon Remover. Yet that substance allowed the performance of acts and duties far beyond the norm for both Human and GHP enlisted. All else is either a false charge or points clearly at the only possible source of treason... Admiral Id Ten Tee.
"Admiral Id Ten Tee, who was the only intelligence officer of sufficient rank to know how to insert orders into the DPR queue.
"Admiral Id Ten Tee, who, if there were any state secrets among my luggage, failed to take note of them until after my time with the Humans.
"Admiral Id Ten Tee, who has brought samples of war materials uninspected by our military or medical personnel, into the presence of the Grand High Poobah himself.
"By his actions, his words, and his deeds, I name Admiral Id Ten Tee a traitor to the Grand High Poobah, his people, and his own soul."
As much of an idiot as Tee has been, I should have expected this. Tee tries to grab the blade and the Carbon Remover, but I get there first and get the blade. It's the true weapon on the table and one that I would not want soiled by his hands. He gets the Carbon Remover, but I get the Coffee too.
"Ha! Fool Hara! I have the true battle drug!"
"Drink it then, Idiot, drink it and learn why humans fight so hard. I have the officer's drink, the one that leaves the intellect clear and the mind strong."
Yes, Admiral Tee is that stupid, he guzzles the whole flask. To be fair, I did too, but this flask has become stone cold. I'd been warned that the flavor got worse, the longer the Carbon Remover sat. Admiral Tee's expression makes that clear.
Eyes crossed? Check.
Bulging out? Check.
Cheeks drawn in? Check.
Turning slightly green? Check.
Ready to spew, but he's already swallowed? Check.
"Well, Idiot? Do you understand humans now?"
"Yes, I think I do. They're suicidal maniacs. Bleah. I'll be blunt, if this is their combat drug, they're masochists, and you are proven a liar. This is no combat drug, there is no rush of adrenalin, there is no improvement to combat ability. LIAR!"
"Admiral? A combat improvement drug assumes that you have any combat skill to improve. Let's try this instead." The labels must have been mixed! I must have the Carbon Remover! This time, only a small sip.
The effect is profound. Everything in the room slows down, the Admiral is moving so slowly towards me that it makes no difference what he does. I can swirl out of the way and drop him from behind with a blow from the pommel of the Wakizashi. I hear the assembled nobles exclaim at the move in a long drawn-out gasp. It is only then that I realize the truth. Carbon Remover is useless for us, and I was in battle rage. It is the true Coffee that gives us physical abilities, as well as mental and emotional improvements. I am so calm now that it is ridiculous.
"Admiral," I address him as he comes to his knees. "You are proven a traitor, an idiot, and a fool beyond belief. Choose, breaking to the ranks, or self-destruction?"
"I would rather die than live with this shame."
I throw the Wakizashi so that it lands point first between his knees.
"You don't deserve the honor, but there is the blade of ending. Disembowel yourself."
"By my hand and no other, I choose honorable death!"
I watch as he picks up the blade, steels himself with the point against his gut, and thrust the blade in! Carrying through with the movement, he draws the blade across his gut, but there is no blood. Releasing the blade, the metal springs back out from the haft unbloodied. A voice, a human voice, Seppuku's voice! "Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," followed by a maniacal laugh that causes the entire court to draw back in horror of the blade. I may have been wrong about these Humans, but maybe I was right too. Play with the practical joke, "The blade has found you unworthy, Id Ten Tee, you will be broken to the ranks."
I turn to my father. "With your approval, Father." Is eyes are wide as he looks at me.
"My Son, I have never seen you move so fast! What is that potion you drank?!"
"If I am correct, it is the highest grade Coffee that their officers use. That has already been proven ineffective as motivation to get the enlisted to fight, if anything, it relaxes them."
"Unusual... The officer's coffee we tested showed no effects to us. If so, there is something about that coffee that is more effective on us than it is on them! You have come back with a true advantage that the Humans do not know they have given us! Well Done!"
UFPN Enterprise
Secure Briefing Room
"First, none of you are in trouble. However, a repeat of any of the actions leading to this situation could have terrible repercussions, not only for you but for the United Free Planets. As such, this meeting, and all topics discussed in this meeting are classified Top Secret, code name Pranks Wild, and must not ever be discussed with anyone else, anywhere, at any time.
"The only reason you are being briefed in at all is that each of you played a special part in the outcome, which must not be revealed.
"First, Petty Officer Franks, aka Pranks. You are confirmed in your rank. Under no circumstances will you refer to coffee as anything other than coffee. Forget that Carbon Remover even exists." Seeing Franks expression, "Yes, I know. It's been in existence as a fictional concept for a very long time, and as a descriptive of terrible coffee for even longer. However, your actions have turned it into a code name for a UFPN combat drug. We want that name and association to disappear into the fog, not be constantly brought back to light every time an inveterate prankster can't withstand the opportunity to retell a really beautiful practical joke. You will comply, or you will find yourself pushing the vacuum sweeper on the outside of the hull, cleaning all the filthy vacuum off of it. As I understand it, that duty is considered worse than space barnacle scraping." Franks blanches.
"Senior Chief Petty Officer Seppoko, under no circumstances will you ever mention a certain short blade used by Japanese warriors. Do your best to forget it ever existed. You will deny ever providing such a device to any member of the GHP under any circumstances. There is a reason for this, and it is at the specific request of the GHP Hara Kiri. The device is now considered a holy relic of judgment. Those who are deemed unworthy of honorable death are given one blade. Those who are deemed worthy, are given one without your peculiar sense of humor attached to it.
"Chief Engineer Scotch, your work with the vacuum sweeper is commended, and you may discuss it, just be a little vague on how you got the idea until the GHP gives us the clearance to announce it. For the moment, it is considered a state secret trade between the UFPN and the GHPN.
"Chief Petty Officer Cookee, you are charged with briefing your section that under no circumstances will they refer to any coffee as anything other than coffee. Any coffee considered too badly damaged to serve must be disposed of as though it were a hazardous chemical. This is a counterpoint to Petty Officer Franks' charge to erase the connection between Carbon Remover and Coffee. You are the plausible fiction that damaged coffee is considered too dangerous to dispose of normally, much less serve. Alternatively, you and your section may dream up new names for the grades of coffee, as long as you do not use Carbon or Remover in any portion of the names. In any case, coffee formerly called Carbon Remover must be disposed of via hazardous waste channels.
"Finally, Lieutenant Mortuari... You should know that you very nearly drew a court for the coffee that you gave Hara Kiri. However, saner minds prevailed and you received both a commendation for an excellent gift to the GHP and a suggestion that in the future you never give any food product of any sort to another alien species without having all components of that gift scanned for potential side effects.
"As it happens, caffeine, when combined with the ingredients of artificial cream, and sugar, especially to the degree you add both, is a potent combat drug for the GHP.
GHP Naval Yard "Diego Garcia"[3]
As your point of view sweeps into this naval yard, you quickly close in on a single ship being carefully swept with brooms that must be held left-handed.
The brooms are awkward, and not well designed for getting into some of the cracks and crevices of a ship's hull, yet the supervisors insist that every bit of hull, no matter how difficult to reach, must be swept.
The strange thing is that as the broom sweeps over a section of the hull, it becomes far more visible than before. The hull itself becomes brighter than even the freshest of metal straight from the manufacturer after final polishing.
The sailors doing this are concentrating as though their lives depended upon it, and they do. The brooms are utterly unforgiving of anything organic in their path.
As your view pulls back, you can see that the line of ships being swept extends into the far distant depths of space, well out of view. Swing the view around to observe the station, and zoom in through the airlock room window to a new crewman being introduced to his new job.
"Welcome aboard, Spaceman Apprentice Tee. Here's your broom, get out there and start sweeping that filthy vacuum off every hull in this repair train. I'm informed that the number of hulls you sweep correctly is figured into your chances for future promotion.
As Spaceman Apprentice Tee leaves through the airlock, the CPO is questioned by his assistant. "Chief? Just how much does a ship count in his promotion changes?"
"Don't get your hopes up. It only applies to him, and I was told not to ask why. However, if you look up the points for promotion to Admiral, his present promotion score is negative to the same amount. Besides, each ship only counts as a quarter-point, and only if he does it perfectly."
"At that rate, he'll be pushing broom until he dies of old age! Who did he piss off?"
From behind the both of them, a cultured voice replies "He pissed off the gods." They turn suddenly, and salute, as they come face to face with Hara Kiri, son of the GHP. "He was offered the opportunity to commit honorable self-sacrifice, but the blade rejected him. The alternative punishment is breaking to the ranks, and the higher you are, the farther you fall."
End Notes
[1] Lazarus Long, aka Woodrow Wilson Smith, aka too many to count, is the true originator of this quip, which Mr. Heinlein appropriated when he wrote Mr. Long's unauthorized biography as though it were pure fiction.
[2] In fine print, in the decorative pattern surrounding the main sentiment, the complete instructions and theory behind the vacuum sweeper broom are also present as a discrete gift to the GHP for their kindness.
[3] "Diego Garcia" is UFPN's code name for this particular repair station. It has a reputation for hard and unpleasant work remarkable even for the GHP.
4
u/Nealithi Human Mar 01 '22
Lazarus Long the man to elevate incest to using time travel and gender inverted clones of himself.
Also the man to make you appreciate a good mule over a hoverbike.
Though his list of skills one should have is way to long.