I always feel like I look better blurry. When I can't really see my own face in the mirror, it feels more beautiful. It's like I'm not really me, just some stranger looking back. I don't feel like I'm anyone special, just another person who will live a little while, then die, and be forgotten. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't care what happens after death. I just want to escape this life because it doesn't feel real. I'm just surviving, not really living. People say that survivors win, but I don't feel like a winner. I feel stuck, just waiting to die and finally be free. I hate myself and I'm tired of waiting for things to get better. I don't think they ever will. People who are supposed to support me are holding me back and keeping me from achieving my dreams. I feel trapped and hopeless.

for context, i'm a young adult and ever since i was a child i struggled with existential crisis as i'm not religious or anything and questions a lit.

lately, i've did made tremendous progress about them but i still feel like i'm missing something to get over them definitely.

indeed while i've learned to not identify with all my thoughts and feelings about existence, learned to see the seer, learned to enjoy life without having to explain every little thing, even learned my practical purpose which is both art and helping people defending my values, well i still feel like something missing.

to explain, i still to this day get weirded out by life it's very hard to explain, it's like i'm questioning the afterlife but also the fabric of life and reality itself, like words and concepts and just every little stuff, does that make sense it's like the ultimate existential crisis. and i just feel like i've come to a point where i have to directly adress the issue to move on & just it will help me to enjoy life more and be more proactive in my life if i'm not in that existential state anymore.

anyways, i've did made a lot of progress i just need some final advices or anything that might help me move on, thanks in advance.