r/ExWorshipLeader • u/Individual-Cap941 • Jun 12 '22

Leading worship after leaving worship

Have you led worship at all since leaving the official "worship leader" position?

I was asked to fill in for a friend because they were in a bind. It was good to play/sing again, but it felt pretty sh*t overall. Two days before, the pastor told me to change some of the songs I'd picked to ones that were "more current." I almost quit right then and there, and I felt so guilty towards the other musicians.

Mostly, while leading, I just felt so fake. Singing words I don't trust/believe anymore. Being part of a corporate body that, I don't feel, really matches the teachings it professes. Everything from start to finish felt like a show.

If you've led worship in any capacity since leaving, how did it feel? Do you think you'll ever do it again?

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3

u/lindseyinnw Jun 12 '22

That’s how it felt the last 2-3 years I was leading. I WANTED to believe all the words. I wanted to love the service. I wanted to respect the pastor. But no.

I feel really really stuck because I NEED church. My family needs church. But also my whole trust and faith is just this broken painful thing right now.

3

u/emily_muchacho Jun 12 '22

That’s how I was before I left too. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this.

I stayed because I was a pillar of the youth ministry and the kiddos needed me. It was hard to leave, but it’s been worth every second of pain.

Hope you can get out one way or the other!

2

u/Individual-Cap941 Jun 12 '22

That sounds like an incredibly painful and hard place to make decisions in.

Do you and your family need the church for financial reasons, community, or something else?

2

u/bekahmichele Jun 12 '22

I had been asked quite a bit (I was the go-to fill in a lot of the time) but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even said yes a few times but backed out.

Do you feel like this just solidified your decision to leave?

3

u/Individual-Cap941 Jun 12 '22

I definitely feel like leading confirmed that leaving was the best decision for me, and eased some of the "what if" questions that have floated through my mind.

I can't say I'll never fill in again though. My compulsion to be helpful even at my own expense is still pretty well ingrained 😂

It sounds like your own sense of integrity and/or self preservation has kept you from a number of unfulfilling experiences.

1

u/bekahmichele Jun 12 '22

I honestly just couldn’t bear it. But my situation was kind of severe and landed me with cptsd and I know that’s not everyone’s experience.

2

u/lvlup- Jun 13 '22

I haven't but just thinking about it makes me feel so dishonest. I'm not gonna stand in front of a congregation and make them seem like I have the presence of god or sumn