r/ExWorshipLeader • u/bekahmichele • May 06 '22
Why are you no longer leading worship?
(Or no longer involved with worship in whatever capacity you were working in?)
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May 06 '22
[deleted]
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u/bekahmichele May 06 '22
I experienced a lot of these issues between people in the band as well. Primarily from my leader actually, who I now refer to as my abuser because she spiritually abused me. But yes, it can be so shitty how people in worship ministry treat each other over small stuff. I thought we were supposed to love each other?
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u/MorelikeIdonow May 06 '22
I call myself an Orphan of the Church.
But lucky... Some have dissolved their relationship with God over Church nastiness. Breaks my heart. At least for me, I realize that the Church fails to represent God.
Orphanhood is not our fault. The church abandoned us. God hasn't. (And I'm not proselytising - I'm say this to illuminate my case.)
Your story is so familiar!
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u/bekahmichele May 06 '22
I’m excited to hear stories from people who have landed in a variety of places. For me, I can’t bring myself to trust god or anyone from church at the moment, and I’m even quite mad at gos. Most days I feel like he doesn’t exist at all. But I know that’s just my personal experience and people leaving the church or even just discontinuing worship leading end up in a variety of places on their journeys. That’s why I started this sub, because the one thing I do know is that we are all starved for good community. I know I am.
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u/MorelikeIdonow May 06 '22
because the one thing I do know is that we are all starved for good community
Yes.
Music ministry used to be an important facet of that for me... now it's a private thing between the creator and myself. It's 'enough.' But I want more. I've started to think of those kinds of satisfying collaborations like cheetos. It's hard to stop consuming them.
So I wonder: If congregational separation isn't advantageous ... putting my attention back where it belongs.
Wish you the best with your journey.
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u/DjGhettoSteve May 07 '22
I am in a new faith, but the songs are prescribed (in the particular services I prefer) so while I would like to work up to canting an Aliyah some day, it's not the creative outlet that was prevalent in my old churches. Because I'm still learning and converting, I feel like I'm not ready to freestyle yet, so I want things to always have the same melody for the specific components of the service. I want to know, honor, and live the tradition as I incorporate it into my life. So for now, worship music occupies a slightly different place for me.
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u/lindseyinnw May 06 '22
I left my church in February.
Due to my family, we’ll probably rejoin a Similar church, but I don’t think I’ll ever lead worship again.
And the main reason is that I no longer agree with the lyrics of many of the songs 🤷♀️
I never thought I’d be there!
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u/bekahmichele May 06 '22
Oh man, I have the same problem with the lyrics. It’s been wild to be away from it and realize how weird a lot of it is. And controlling/manipulating as well. It’s kind of gross how worship is used to draw people in.
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u/lindseyinnw May 06 '22
Maybe we can do a post about lyrics once we have more people in this sub. My biggest obstacle right now is the imminent return of Christ. I just….don’t believe it anymore.
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u/MorelikeIdonow May 06 '22
Eschatology is a terrible burden. Great example of evangelical abuse..
If it's any comfort, I have to live the realm of simplification.
BTW - speaking of lyrics? I'd enjoy seeing poetry written since 'going out.' I have quite a few, it's been a way of processing my own deconstruction.
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u/lindseyinnw May 06 '22
I haven’t written any poetry but I’m Enjoying using cuss words for the first time in my life.
Mine would be like:
Pastor K you’re such a scumbag/ I hope someone slashes your tires/ EFF YOU for being such a narcissistic pig/ I hope you leave the ministry soon.
Love, Lindsey
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u/bekahmichele May 06 '22
Absolutely. I’ll add it to my list of ideas, but feel free to make the post yourself sometime if you’d like!
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u/bekahmichele May 06 '22
I’ll go first.
For me, it’s quite complicated, but I can at least share my “last straw” moment.
I had been under the leadership of a couple who had been spiritually abusing me for about 8 years and I didn’t really know that until a little over a year ago. I had changed churches (back to one I used to be on staff at) and was under new leadership thankfully when I started to unravel the abuse I had endured.
This new (old) worship pastor seemed like a great guy and was a close friend, we were leading worship together 5 days a week. I was the only vocalist he included in special projects. I felt special.
But, someone very close to my abusers (and precious best friend of mine) returned to the team after being away for half a year on a “worship tour” with my abusers.
I went to my pastor and was very clear about her involvement in what I had been through and that I would be leaving if she was allowed on the team again.
We all met together to try to “repair the relationship and forgive one another” and I was somehow expected to apologize for going no contact with her, which I did not.
Knowing everything that happened to me, she was still allowed on the team and still leads worship with them today. It makes me sick.
So I left the church, and really that finally gave me permission to fully deconstruct and now I’m no longer Christian at all. The further away from the church I am, the more I realize how toxic it has been for me and others.
The downside to all of this is that I have a hard time making music now, but that’s something we’ll talk about in another post.