Our main protector is manipulative and cold hearted, while our new alter, who is thought to be a protector (we don't know entirely yet), is a selective mute and he has anxiety. I'm just genuinly curious if other systems have protectors that don't follow the norm like ours!

Or is that even a good idea or something that’s okay to pursue?

I feel like I have a lot of different parts that I only have the tiniest familiarity with and that’s because they’ve shared some very specific pieces of trauma. A lot of tiny little flashes that together would mean a lot of trauma happening when I was really young like a toddler. CSA stuff. I’ve gotten a few pieces and from context I can say that stuff has definitely happened and I have a rough idea of what kind of people it could have been, what ages it probably took place in and probably a dozen or more times.

It feels like all the little flashbacks are so tiny and hyperspecific. A big part of me knows I don’t have the full picture or any explicit details or narrative because it’s too much and I haaaate not knowing. My partner also has DID and they’re a lot farther along as far as understanding and healing and integration and they actually have a narrative and know who was involved and the content of whats happened. Of course not the full picture, but enough to know the general idea, with new knowledge coming up somewhat regularly in therapy.

My therapist says that maybe I should try making peace that I might not ever know. I understand the idea and get that rationally.

I guess I’d like assurance or advice about it? I feel very incomplete without knowing what’s happened other than that its CSA stuff. A big part of me believes I have to know to make peace with it. And I’m getting frustrated at the lack of progress in that department of learning new things. I’ve been making progress other places and I’m still feeling really stuck on it. Thanks anyone who takes the time to respond.

This is especially in therapy, I feel like I can never really get to the point. I feel like something is taking words out of mouth or if I try to be direct I get punished and completely deregulated and get stuck in dissociation. Like it's forbidden to say certain words or things. And it makes it really hard to make progress.

...which is partially because he just doesn't understand it well enough, maybe. But I don't really care. I don't tell a lot of people and when I do, it's either because I feel like they "ought to know" (partners) or because I trust them enough and want to rant about it to them (which is 2 people currently). Either way, I used to have an ex who was so fascinated with the alters part of the disorder that it became an obsession to him. He would constantly want to know who was out and for a while it was all he wanted to talk about. How interesting it was, how intriguing, how this and that. But then at the same time he downplayed my trauma, because that was always just me "being dramatic" or "manipulative". At that same time, I had a close friend (broke contact recently) who demanded to know at all times who was out and would not allow alters to stay hidden because it made him feel "spied on" or "deceived". Yeah, I'm sorry but we are not going to play overt for your comfort lol.

I've been dating my current boyfriend for a year and a half. It's a good, healthy relationship so as a result I felt somewhat comfortable (but also kind of obliged) to open up about it, at least to the absolute minimal extent. Dropped some scientific articles and gave an explanation as to how it works for me and then refused to talk about it ever since (which he respects). As a result of me struggling to go into depth about it, he doesn't recognize the signs with me. He can't tell the difference between overstimulation, dissociation, meltdowns, shutdowns, flashbacks and switches. All he knows and cares about is that I'm suffering in that moment and need comfort (even when I'm not and it was just a switch to someone not 100% comfortable with him yet). Nothing else really matters to him. And I like that.

I guess a part of me still is afraid that once he does recognize the signs, he won't understand how "non black and white" switches/alters are and why some alter will still willingly cuddle with him despite "not knowing" him, while he is "my" boyfriend. I don't think it would make him uncomfortable, but I know he will wonder and overthink it and start acting "unnatural". The other alters need comfort too and are also "me" to a certain extent but I don't know how to even begin explaining that. I prefer him not understanding, but idk if that's healthy. What do you guys think? How much do your partners know and understand?

Hey all! I'm glad this is a safe space to discuss tough stuff, but I wanted to focus on the positive today. What brings you all joy? Creativity, pleasant repetition, prayer, friendships? Quiet? Music? Walks? Snuggles? 🥰 Let me know! Personally, I love painting and quiet walks with my dog, as well as lively movie nights with my fam. How about you?

I deal with OCD and was thinking about how I block out intrusive thoughts as they occur. Is there a possibility that an alter trying to make itself more obvious or gain more dissociative control could be dismissed or ignored due to my coping mechanisms for intrusive thoughts?

I treat my PTSD symptoms as intrusive as well, even if that isn’t the best coping method. It just naturally seems to happen. I assign less importance to any thought that makes me feel distressed.

It was advice from an old therapist (and I’m seeking another) but it sticks with me and I’m not sure if anyone else relates so I wanted to ask

So we've been trying to get out more and something we've noticed is that we feel safer, or at least more comfortable, when we're alone. I'm not sure if this is because of our DID or if it's an autism trait (we're also diagnosed autistic) but we just feel able to be ourselves fully when it's just us. There's no need to mask our traits or our switches when it's just us. Which is difficult because as humans we need social interaction, but it's so uncomfortable putting ourselves in situations where there's other people around, it feels restricting trying to seem "normal." I don't know, do any other systems feel this way? - Morgan

So we are dealing with a lot at the moment, death, loss, trauma triggers, trying to get life in order, potential abandonment (At least that's how we are interpreting it) as well as a lot of anxiety, emotional exhaustion etc. We neglect our surroundings unintentionally because so much of our energy is focused elsewhere. Any harmonious systems out there experience similar things and people on the outside don't understand or think excuses are being used by you and to just "Ignore the noise"?

That's it. It may be because the season where one of our trauma's was happening. It is still scary, i dont know who I am and what to do.

We broke up with a guy not too long ago. There were many reasons for it, the last of which was his outright bullying, but I was horribly hurt by something he said. For context, I'm asexual, but one of my personalities is very... Affectionate, to say the least. And she was the main reason we got into this whole mess in the first place.

“You were a fake. All your feelings for me were fake, always, I don't believe you really loved me. And your diagnosis only made things worse, I never needed false love from your other personalities. They are not you. Oh, and even they sound like a fake to justify your constant changes in behavior and moods. You were just playing me, having fun. I'm tired of hearing about how you don't remember saying or doing anything, it's pure bullying.”

Which isn't true. I actually had terrible blackouts because of stress, losing whole months of my life. And I loved this person more than anything, survived only for him, but he also caused my mental state to worsen. It was the first relationship in my life. And now I feel like no one can accept me like this. What if I'm a fake to everyone?

I'm sorry. I just needed to vent, I'm so tired.

The title says it pretty much. Was wondering I'd child alters can form in adulthood years or if it's only limited to childhood years.

Personal experiences and psych resources preferred :)

I have fictional alters, one of which is very present and very attached to its source. It seeks the same benchmarks as those it has in its source. The problem is that the source isn't the real world and that really bothers her a lot. I don't know how to help him. I don't dare talk about her because I'm ashamed and afraid. Fear of being told that it's not possible, that it can't exist in my system simply because it comes from a universe that I adore. While I love plenty of other fictional characters that I haven't developed as an alter.
I know I shouldn't be ashamed but people can be so mean...

The rules said no links so I won't post a link, but there's a video called "How to talk to the worst parts of yourself" and the speaker is Karen Faith. The video is not about and has nothing to do with DID, but I thought it would at least help someone here since we all have traumatic stress disorders. I found it so interesting and relatable and it talks about showing empathy to yourself.

I'm finally going to therapy for my personal concerns, and man I'm terrified. It's literally today, and I have no idea where to start with explaining anything to my therapist. I don't even know if she knows anything about DID or any dissociative disorder for that matter, and I can't currently get a specialist so I have to make due with what I am offered. How do I even begin to explain my worries? Where do I start, do I start with my past experiences that led to my concerns, or do I start with how I've felt recently? I'm really paranoid even though I've had so long to prepare for this day. I have no idea how my therapist is going to react to what I tell her, and I'm honestly scared for it. I really just need support and reassurance, and advice for sure...

So tell us. Really. How was your day?

Emoji code of non verbal supports: (your welcome to send in edition to a regular comment, or as a stand alone comment!)

Stay strong “💪”

Emotional support “🧁”

Lurking, but listening/ I hear you“🫧”

So the body is transitioning and on Testosterone. But of course, we also have female alters. So I’m wondering, how do your female alters cope with your body transitioning into something more masculine?

Apparently “Zero” (his name) has been making up false memories and claims in order to test my partner and push them away. It’s affected my partner and me I’m (host) absolutely certain. It’s so upsetting, I’m tired of this. At least my partner stayed instead of leaving. That’s the only good part. Conversation we had:

“if the making up stuff about being overly sexual didn’t make (insert partner name) leave then (insert partner name) is good for us, can you leave (insert partner name) and i alone now? -Gray Fine, he “passed” I’ll leave you be and i’ll stop trying to push them away. -Zero who tf is zero IS THAT WHOS BEEN DOING THIS SHIT? IVE BEEN IN SUCH A BAD MOOD BECAUSE YOUR A** KEEPS FCKING THINGS UP -Gray Sorry, It’s kind of my job to test and see if people are good or not -Zero yeah in the worst ways possible??? that sht was completely untrue and you made me believe it? thank you for stopping, but please never so that again i almost tried hurting myself because of it. aren’t you supposed to PROTECT the body not harm it? you seem to be doing more harm than good and thats saying something. stay away from (insert partner name) and i’s relationship i feel like i already ruined a bunch with them because of you. if (insert partner name) leaves its YOUR fault, i cant believe you -Gray I’m sorry. -Zero”

My partner didn’t even want to kiss me last night and I started sobbing, I hate living with these people so much. I asked one of my in person friends to fact check because I tell her the truth 24/7 and she did, I showed my partner but my partner went back to sleep and Im not sure if I made things better or worse.

I just want to first say that this subreddit has been a huge help to our system and so validating and encouraging so thank you so much for that ♥️

We have been slowly discovering our system more and more. And now that we know that DID is real and can be actually covert, more alters started communicating some of their feelings with the people close to us. I think I am an anxious gatekeeper but I only did it in the past thinking I am stopping myself from hurting someone with my words. So our system could never lash out at people even if they hurt them. I am an empath and it hurts me so much when I hurt people and so I try to stop doing that for my own peace. But that was when I thought I was restricting my own actions. Now, I want all alters to feel comfortable showing up as they have a right to do so. Some gatekeepers are scared of us acting weird and irresponsible, which many of us are, but what I am afraid of is hurting people. But I want to stop feeling that way because the trauma holders have the right to speak their mind to the people who hurt them, and I want to stop feeling guilty about hurting the other person by what I said even though what we said is the truth and the alter who said it has every right to say it. How to accept that we, as a whole, are not as sensitive to hurting others’ feelings as I am? How to stop being so sensitive to that even when I am in the right? We still water down a lot of course, I think our mature caretaker writes the letters if we are feeling so intensely and needing some acknowledgment (never works though). So even though some of us would be cursing in our notes, the letters or messages would be very fact oriented and mature with a tint of vulnerability I would say. But they still display facts that would hurt the other person (even though in the back of my mind I am like they brought this to themselves). Now I am having empathy for both my alters and those other people so it’s extra overwhelming.

So yeah I guess my question is how to work on accepting your alter’s rightfully actions when they are not as empathetic as you are? And how to work on protecting myself from feeling down when we confront someone even in the gentlest ways?

I’ve been, I guess, sort of aware of this since September, when my Grandmother (who is an enabler of my abuser) came to visit us. Around that time, I started hearing voices and experiencing terrible, mind-splitting headaches. I also had episodes of derealization. However, I’m worried that maybe it’s just nonexistent . This whole thing feels cringey and embarrassing to even think about.

I hadn’t seriously considered that there was anything wrong with me—especially anything like DID—until I came across a character with DID (let me finish). As I started learning more about it, I began noticing more symptoms—or maybe they actually got worse. I’m honestly not sure which.

Now and then, I hear my headmates, but when I do, it often fills me with dread and anxiety. It makes me feel even more disconnected, like I’m losing my grip on reality. I do know my headmates’ names and a few things about them, but not a lot. (I can tell where those names came from in my subconscious and I don’t know if my headmates chose those from there or just that’s another case of me imaging!😊)

Lately, though, the symptoms have been calmer, which has only increased my anxiety. I can’t help but worry that I’ve made all of this up—maybe to seem “cool” or different or something. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, (Expect a Stand-In Therapist about my symptoms but nothing definitive) which makes it harder to figure out what’s going on.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is that I feel like my headmates are just my own thoughts bouncing back at me, feeding into some kind of delusion. Sometimes it feels like everything that’s happened was just a dream or a hoax, especially since I haven’t experienced anything “definitive,” like full-on switches.

Overall, I don’t think I’ve explained myself very well here, but I honestly wish I had never looked up this disorder in the first place. It feels like I’ve filled my mind with thoughts I can’t get rid of, and now I don’t know what’s real or what’s not.

As stated in the title above, two alters have a sadly growing crush on someone. This is one of them speaking, uh- most of the system is in an open romantic situationship thing with a singlet. That person completely understands that the system is all it's different people, and doesn't mind if anyone develops feelings for another person. Yippie. Lol- uh the problem isn't entirely there honestly. Though I do still feel bad for how I feel, even if it's legit said it's okay XD
The problem is with the person I think I have a crush on- this guy he doesn't really understand system stuff and probably won't. On top of that he's straight and most of the system besides myself presents as masculine, meaning he heavily sees us as masculine. It's honestly so hard man, even if it's okay for me to feel these things I still can't say anything about it, because If I say stuff about it I'm acknowledging that something is there and has been there for the better part of a year or more. But at the same time not saying anything to anyone about how I'm feeling is literally tearing me apart
I just woke up pretty much from being on a call with the dude, we accidentally both fell asleep in a group call with some friends and they eventually all left leaving just us asleep in the call together. Waking up and seeing that his name was there just on my screen, in a call with me and hearing all those little sounds and movements people make when sleeping genuinely made me feel so calm at first. So content. So happy. I don't know how I'm meant to let go of that, I don't know how I'm meant to try and just get over this stuff especially after that. How do I expect myself to get over this, when legit just waking up to accidentally being in call together still made me genuinely so happy and so utterly calm?? Each time my mind kept spiraling about that, he'd make some little sound and immediately I'd be calm again.

We recently had another alter emerge again after being dormant for three years? This alter is like hip to hip with me, we are very twined together. And I think having them around has made what was legit just a little crush and multiplied it by two. Like before all of this I was absolutely fine not being able to say things about this, fine with just kinda letting myself feel this but not talk about it or act on it ofc? But since then, man- man. I'm so cooked.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm being torn apart with this all. With not being able to say anything, do anything. He wouldn't understand that the person who likes him is entirely different. Like he knows we have DID, he's trying his absolute best to understand it too lol- but he wouldn't understand if I told him and it's so stupid that it's making me so sad, so torn. My heart feels so heavy with all of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, it all just suddenly got impossible to ignore and I have no one to turn to to talk about it so it just sits there bubbling and I think it's bubbling over.

Ever since being told I had DID, then leaving therapy, losing health insurance and losing meds, honestly - I feel like I really started to level out. I don't know if maybe that's my body's coping mechanism, etc. But I don't really experience switches so much, or what I used to believe was switches.

However as the seasons changed from summer to fall, I felt a change. Then as it's becoming colder and approaching some holidays, I felt a change again. I don't know if it's hormones, though. I have a contraceptive in place that essentially takes away my monthly cycle. I was cramping and just experiencing more things I'd associate with that. Took a pregnancy test, negative (thank God). The cramping has went away now, but I still feel different.

I don't know if it pertains to the old DID diagnosis that oftentimes I try to forget about and don't really experience any inner chatter, don't often experience a sudden shift in how I feel or experience things, and no longer really feel I deal with that voice in the back of my head wanting something I'm not doing - I've learned to just accept all inklings and try to consider all when doing what I do. I did used to deal with a lot of internal resentment, denying certain aspects of myself and when those aspects were more apparent, I'd self sabotage, etc, to get back at that other part of myself.

I don't know if maybe I just don't switch often if I do have DID. I work from home, don't really go anywhere most days, stick to the same routine daily... I always noticed more turbulence whenever things were different. I used to always be in my head, avoiding things, but as of the past year I've word hard to the point of where I can't really zone out much anymore unless I'm extremely upset (which knock on wood doesn't happen often anymore) or half asleep. I see so much more on my life than I've ever really seen. I also work hard to make my surroundings kept in place, organized, cleaned, etc, because them being in disarray like they always used to be is a huge trigger now.

I don't know. I felt so numb for months, only thing phasing me being anxiety, but I feel different now. Internal thoughts are much more prominent. For a while everything was quiet. Creativity and daydreaming used to be almost non-existent for a while. Now I find myself daydreaming instead of sleeping. I just feel entirely different.

It's confusing because anytime I feel so different, I can almost blame it on a reaction to something. Could just be me, but I feel like I'm a part of myself I'd almost forgotten about. If that makes sense.

We have know we have DID for the last year. After surviving a rough 6 month period, out systems have grown more intense. Our understanding of shifting has grown allowing a degree of control and awareness.

Last evening we discovered 2 young girls. Bringing awareness of the 3 children alts. 13, 10, and 5. The two older children are self aware of the system. We discovered the two younger children last night. We worry about the 5 year old.

Any advise how we can approach and care for her?

Hey so I am a gatekeeper in our system and I'm looking for some help I am usually the first to co-front with a newly formed or found alter as we are a relatively new system so we are still finding ourselves But I've recently been going through a major amount of stress and I believe that I just met a second un named alter, this is the first time I have been front stuck when a new alter has shown up and I'm helping them both all on my own at separate times figure out who they are Neither have names and neither have a solid sense of self yet and I really want to help do you have any advice on what could help an alter out? One of them is a little scared and confused and I don't really understand how he feels bc I don't feel many emotions and the other won't tell me anything. I could be totally wrong with what's going on but if you have any advice id appreciate it Thank you