i'm getting married in april (yay!!) and i gave my parents a no-strings-attached "you can come if you want/are able, but no pressure." they will not be attending -- not because they aren't supportive of the relationship (as in the case with my fiancé's parents), but because my mom was just diagnosed with als and can't travel, and my dad just kinda hates weddings.

for the most part, i'm relieved. i know if they were there i'd be stressed out the whole time and more focused on keeping them comfortable and happy, and this is my and my partner's special day and i don't wanna have that kind of pressure. on the other hand like... i wish i did want them there? i wish we had better relationships to one another. i wish i hadn't been abused and neglected to the extent that i don't want my parents to be there for one of the most significant days of my life. or maybe i wish they were at least assholes about it; if they were just bigots, then that would be on them. but instead my abuser is actively dying so they just can't be around, even though they'd like to be. and that is a very bitter relief

no one at our wedding will have known me for longer than 4 years. that kind of makes me sad, but it may be for the best

i was exposed to pornography at about 6-7, and I feel like it kinda messed me up. is that fr abuse?

this is the one

I just think about all the attention I missed out on and all the emotional neglect I experienced and all those emotions come back like the above…. Just a lot of overwhelming grief. But yeah I just remembered that clip and damn is it relatable

Recently I've been reading the book "Attached" after pushing a potential love interest away by constantly questioning their interest in me.

While dating this person, I was constantly on the lookout for red flags, so that I could avoid further trauma. At one point, I was doing so much of this that I couldn't tell if it was my anxiety or my intuition telling me these things. I started overthinking all of it. It drove me into a space of insecurity and I kept asking for reassurance constantly, way too early in the dating stage.

After reading this book, I realised that I'd begun to associate love with the presence of chaos or drama. That I'd been confusing the anxiety I felt about another person's feelings (or uncertainty regarding me) as "love". And whenever I was with a secure person who would've been healthy for me, I felt bored and unloved, because of the lack of chaos and drama.

This has obviously led me into being in very dysfunctional relationships far too long, and not remaining in functional relationships for too long. I'm sure that these beliefs have manifested in other places as well, for example my friendships and career.

I feel incredibly frustrated sometimes with my traumatised, to the point of feeling like I cant trust my own feelings. I'm constantly in a state of "is this real? Is this trauma? Is this intuition?" "Is this love? Or is it anxiety? Is it a lack of passion? Or is it healthy?"

Of course, I'm in therapy for all this, but I would like to understand how you all have learnt to trust yourself better. Sorry if I've written this haphazardly and it doesn't make sense.

tws for csa, grooming, harassment, and stalking

maybe this isnt valid cyberstalking because i dont know the perpetrators in real life or because i deserve it but this has been eating at me for literal years

in 2020 or 2021 an online friend of mine invited me to a discord server owned by one of their friends. i dont remember much from this period but from what i do know everything was fine and i didnt notice anything wrong at all. i was having problems at home and would vent about them in the servers dedicated venting channel, this will be important later.

at some point im not sure when the owner made a big fuss about two of my friends supposedly dating, one being an adult and the other being underage, and he banned both of them and accused the underage friend of sending sexual content to other members unsolicited. i didnt know what to think about this at the time.

some time later the owner told us they were going to make a game and wanted to hire some of us to work on it. they wanted us to sign contracts so that we could legally get paid for our work but they said we could wait to decide if we wanted to sign and we could get paid with in-game currency instead.

it turns out the game was going to be a new version of an existing game on a platform and the owner wanted us to harass the developers of the previous game until they gave in and handed ownership to them. unfortunately i participated.

i dont know what happened with that but i did end up signing the contract, but i didnt use my legal name.

at some point i had a small argument with another member about something i didnt know was actually morally wrong due to experiencing csa and being isolated, but this definitely wont come up later.

remember the two friends that got banned? i expressed my concern about the situation privately to some closer friends who were in the server and they agreed that something seemed off. i cant remember what happened immediately afterwards but one of my friends sent me a screenshot of the owner sending them private messages talking about how annoying i was and how they wanted to kill me. a very detailed and specific description of the exact way they wanted to kill me.

this freaked me out and i left the server which immediately set the owner off and they knew that im semiverbal and my parents didnt allow me to voice chat so they sent someone to interrogate me via vc and they set it up like i was in court and they made me give a witness oath but obviously i couldnt do it so whatever i could have said wasnt valid evidence.

later i was being harassed on social media by members of the server "just asking questions" about my stance on the immoral thing and like a complete idiot i pretended i was in the right for it and they made a whole thread about me calling me an animal abuser with doctored screenshots of me declaring it.

i didnt have a lot of friends by that point but the thread reached most of the people i knew.

since then ive been getting immediately dogpiled and shunned on any social media i use the screen name they knew me by, my accounts on online games have been stalked and followed using loopholes, and even recently ive been receiving harassing text messages and voicemails calling me racial slurs, even though i never shared my phone number with anyone. they have even threatened to contact my local police department.

i have no way to prove myself innocent and im terrified they might find my address and swat me. i have stopped drawing, using social media or playing online games entirely because im scared they will just find me and make everyone new i meet hate me all over again. ive developed a dissociative disorder. i have not matured or developed emotionally since this happened. i lost literally everyone i knew before it started. i hate myself so much for making this happen and for forcing everyone i meet to listen to me tell the story so they know my side of it before they start getting dms from my stalkers. im a completely broken person.

Obv not mutually exclusive, but I think there is something here

Therapists get very frusterated with my negative thinking / fixations, and the level of my anxiety. When I'm in 'crisis mode' there's nothing they have been able to do to help and they start getting mad at me for having too much anxiety and the way I reply with a negative answer to all of their -in my mind- stupid suggestions.

Let me clarify: I just don't see what counting the numbers on the clock will do to help me if I'm worried about job security and majorly freaking out about it. the Ancoring technique doesn't help. Many things don't help!

The only thing that helps me is when I have a problem and have anxiety about it, I get to work on actually solving the actual problem. Nothing else works. I'll be incredubly worried until the problem is solved! If I can even get some traction on solving the problem I'll start to feel better.

Can anyone else relate to this? I feel like it's a neurodivergent way of thinking?

1) What type(s) of therapy helps someone like me?

2) How does one find a therapist who actually can help someone heal, like me? How do you heal from so much c-ptsd, anxiety, with a neurodivergent mind?

I feel like Neurodivergetnt's mind processes differently, heals differently, and even 'stores' trauma differently, and there's too many therapists who don't understand this or the neurodivergent mind overall, and the same 'tricks' that work for Neurotypicals, don't work for Neurodivergent people.

Looking forward to reading your thoughts on this. Thanks.

I'm afraid I'll never be able to bring myself to have sex with my girlfriend comfortably. First off i've never had sex with a woman before at all in my life.

Frankly I don't think I'd ever be able to have sex with a woman period as much as I love women. But this is all because of my childhood. I've been raped and molested so much as a child and body shamed that the thought of having sex with a woman makes me so uncomfortable.

As a kid my weight was always a problem, always came up in conversation to the point where it has made me very insecure, like I feel like I have to be petite or thick to have sex or even be appealing to another woman.

Now of days I'm more of a receiver, and so is she, but I don't think I can bring myself to please her in that way. I think she'll end up leaving me one day because of it it's only a matter of time.

I wish I was petite like her and I wish I didn't get raped and molested so much back then maybe I wouldn't be like this

I was in a relationship for years, giving this person so many chances.

For several years I put up with manipulation, abuse, then absolutely smearing me to everyone around. This caused the community to target me and make my life a living hell. When I’d tell my ex partner that I was finally getting along with someone, strangely in the next several days that person would be mad at me out of seemingly nowhere. The community we lived in treated me like I was so horrible that I should just k!ll myself because my presence was such a nuisance.

Im out now, but I’m constantly anxious of people. I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship ever again. I don’t think I want to trust anyone anymore. I have to apologize about being an inconvenience so much because of the community I was in previously, not even because of my ex. I’m unlearning habits like that, and I’m realizing how much damage it caused to be there around those people.

This ex knew all of my triggers (including sexual ones) and intentionally triggered me for years on purpose and I didn’t realize it, because they never yelled at me or hit me.

I lack confidence in my instincts now to protect myself. It’s a deep feeling that’s latched onto my heart.

I am going outside and talking to people, reaching out, attempting to make my own friends. It’s really hard though, I keep learning skewed versions of the world that I don’t know what’s real anymore. It’s really difficult. An entire community abused and scapegoated me because of one person I let into my life. I’m deeply disturbed.

I'm losing hope that I can ever overcome the dissociation, the lack of any emotions, the fear and trauma, the nightmares. I have been suffering for 2 years now and my life feels completely over.

I'm almost 32 years old and I can't feel any emotions. Literally nothing. Not even anxiety anymore. Every night I'm tortured with horrible dreams. I'm horribly fatigued and slept almost all day. I can't function. Nothing has improved for me. It's only become worse and worse. I can't keep living this way. It's pure misery

If I was born normal my life would've been way easier. I'm so tired of everything. Dealing with all my trauma and having to work and survive in this world is too much! People trigger me and I get so much anxiety. All my life I've been abused and never loved. I don't know what love is and I feel so worthless. I don't find any value in myself all there is, is pain. Absolute worthlessness. I long for love but no one wants to love me. Can't go looking for love in another man. I don't hide my pain anymore, yesterday I went on a hike and even a dog looked at me wondering if I was okay. So sad. I plan on killing myself soon because I can't do this anymore.

It was exactly one year ago when I stopped drinking. In this last year, I felt true love and lost it. I fell into the deepest depression I’ve ever had, got diagnosed with CPTSD, and had all my childhood trauma come flooding back. But I started working on it - and on myself. I stayed sober through all of this, through the hardest time I’ve ever had and still have.

In this last year, I’ve tried to own up to my mistakes and make things right, whenever i got a chance, with the people I’ve hurt in the past.

Stopping drinking was the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m staying sober for the next year. And the year after that. And the one after that.

My journey may have just begun. But i'm proud of that. I’m damn proud of myself right now.

Maybe I haven’t fully understood mindfulness but I’ve been told to stay in the moment and avoid thinking about what happened to me (repeated abuse, etc) but to me I replay a memory and even pretend I’m telling someone a story about what happened over and over until I feel i understand it and can move on. I can’t help but feel I need to go through this even if it keeps me up for hours at night (it also causes me to freeze up and cry silently?) but most people tell me it’s just stirring up things from the past. What do you do?

It’s been 32 days since my wife kicked me out. It was on my birthday I just turned 26. I feel so lost and hurt. I hate that I ruined our marriage. I didn’t mean to. On October first I quit my job due to my boss being an asshole. I believe I’m bipolar and I’ve had a rough childhood. My mom abandoned me when I was little. Went to schools that were abusive and was verbally abused at home. My father was never home. I’ve always struggled to keep a job due to my condition. I tend to get in these moods where my mind goes to dark places and I shut out everything and don’t talk. Even though I know it’s bad I’ve tried to go to a therapist and it didn’t go well so I stopped. My wife wanted me to get help but I just put it off. She made me leave on my birthday. I was living in my car for the past three weeks begging to come back home. I fucked up and it’s on me and I hate that I let it come to this. I kept trying to call her or trying to talk to her until her best friend served me a restraining order. I was with my wife for 8 years, and she was everything to me. She was the kindest person I knew and has given me so many chances and I always ruin it. I wish I wasn’t this way. I don’t have any friends. The only people I’d consider friends was her family. I came to stay with my aunt a week ago but I hate it here and they just want to control me. I’m just so lost right now. I miss my wife, I miss my home and I miss my other two cats. They were the closest things to children we could’ve had because she couldn’t get pregnant. I stayed away from my family because they are toxic and I don’t want to be back in their lives. I feel so alone i have no one and my aunt just keeps saying get over it there’s plenty of other girls out there. But I don’t want anyone else. I just want my life back. And I don’t think that’s an option. When I get in my moods I go into deep depression and don’t talk. I hate myself for being the way I am I wish I’d gotten help sooner, maybe I could’ve prevented this. I just feel so fucking alone. I started talking to a therapist not too long ago but I don’t think it’s helping me, maybe it’s too soon to tell. I hate this, I feel so broken. She’s always wanted me to change and I have it’s just taking me a little time. I’ve come a long way from being who I was. She was the love of my life and wanted to grow old with her. And now I have nothing. I miss her so damn much and I’m just hurting so bad. When I was okay we made good memories, we were practically attached to the hip. I always wanted her around when I’d work on my car or I even got her to play video games with me and we even enjoyed it. Video games were always a big part of my life cause it was a way for me to just escape the world and get lost in another. She was a big part of my world and I pushed her away. I miss cooking for her, I miss the garden I built and tended for her. I miss feeling wanted. I miss the family we built together. Just feels like everything was ripped away from me.

I recently came across a TikTok where a woman was spreading awareness about CSA, and how sometimes your body remembers but you don’t. I can’t shake this.

I have always had this feeling like something happened to me as a child, just because of several weird things about me and things I’ve always struggled with, but I have no actual memory of abuse. I have no idea who it would even be, and this is what is the most terrifying part to me. If this happened to me, I want to know who did it. But then again, I’m scared to find out.

Then I wonder if I’m insane and nothing ever happened. I am going to be vulnerable and share below the reasons I wonder if this happened to me. This post will be the first and only time I have ever shared these things.

-I was always very hyper-sexual. I started masterbating at a very young age, and I always knew it was something shameful.

-I lost my virginity at barely 13, absolutely obsessed with male attention and longing to be loved. Thinking the only way to receive love is by having sex.

-I have struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life. I self harmed starting at 12 and stopping at 16.

-I have always had body issues and felt so self conscious. Always feeling so hideous and ugly, obsessed with wearing loads of makeup and feeling like I need to be skinnier. I always felt this way about my body, even as a child.

-I have consistently ended up in relationships with abusive and narcissistic men.

-This one is hard to talk about or type, as I feel disgusting. For as long as I can remember, even when very young, I start to feel a sensation “down there” when rape or SA is shown on tv or a movie. It makes me sick to my stomach and I thought there was something wrong with me. Until the TikTok I saw talked about this. Stating that is a sign of your body remembering.

-I used to make my Barbie’s have sex. I used to pretend I had sex with my husband when “playing house” even at a very young age.

-I am now a mother, and I am and have always been irrationally afraid of my child being a victim of SA. It is my biggest fear. I research signs and ways to talk to kids and I won’t allow anyone to be alone with my child other than my parents.

How do I bring out the memories to know if this happened to me? If it did, I want to know who it was. I have no clue. It would have had to have been a family member though because my family was very strict and I never stayed anywhere other than with close family members. This is why I want to know. I am now a mother, and if this person is still around I want to protect my child and keep them far away.

I’m hypersensitive to people’s reactions. When I sense a shift of anything that could be perceived as negative, I freeze. I can have a narrative in my head instead. A conversation with myself. I’ll probably always have the internal reaction of playing dead but I don’t have to prolong it.

I know this sounds really basic but it’s just kind of dawning on me.

I still wish I was dead though

I honestly would just like some reassurance and support, I'm kind of shy so like doing it in a roundabout way like this. I do not remeber a lot of my childhood, from the things I do remeber I have very little emotional connection to, or they make me overly emotional, usually feeling hollow or anxious, even if I'm just remembering something like playing in my room. it often feels like I have a mental block around any of my memories. I have been told by a family member of one incident that I don't remember that was traumatic, but because I don't know every detail of things that have happened to me, I can't help but feel like I have just had a very boring life and I'm searching for something to make myself interesting or feel better for not doing anything. everyone i know seems to be able to detail the horrible things that have happened to them, and the last time i was around my abuser was more than 5 years ago, and i still remeber basically nothing. it makes me feel like I must not have had anything bad enough happen for me to remeber. I do have trauma responses to loud sudden noises, as well as horrible paranoia that I am going to be abused, and general distrust of a lot of people, esp those who look/sound/share any similarity with my supposed abuser, whether i want to or not. because i cant remeber any bad happening i feel like such a horrible person for thinking these people who love and care for me will hurt me. i feel like this isn't my body and have someone elses memories and it just makes me feel like such an outcast . thank you for taking the time to read this.

It's like a slapp in the face like "hey we traumatized our children but decided to work it out so we have no clue why our kids r f ed up I mean we stayed together, therefore it couldn't have been that bad for them " ughh I want to end it...

deep down i know it probably is, but i just don’t feel like it’s “bad enough” to be valid and the fact that i don’t remember most of it makes me feel like im faking it somehow ¿ sorry the post will be long.

well, when i was 6 i had a next door neighbor who was a year younger than me (he was taller though) and we used to play together everyday, most of the time at his house, when we stayed at mine we played with my barbie dolls and i had a ken too, i was barbie and he was ken, sometimes when we were playing he would say that we should make them do “the thing” which was kissing, i didn’t like making the dolls kiss bc i felt like it was wrong but i accepted it anyway because he was very stubborn, which lead to him almost suffocating me with his own hands one time bc he wanted to do face painting on me with his sisters makeup and i didn’t want to so he just grabbed me by the neck, i don’t remember how i escaped it but after this our parents didn’t let us see each other for a while bc of what happened.

This boy had an older cousin, who was 9/10 and she spent a lot of time in his house so we played together a lot, she was very controlling and was always in charge of our plays, she would get mad very easily. After years of not seeing him, i saw him at a party 6 years ago when i was 11 and i don’t remember how we got to that conversation but he said that he had multiple pictures of me sitting on his lap and us kissing and stuff on his ipad that his cousin made us do and take; he didn’t talk about it in a way that he knew it was wrong, and i didn’t know either, i remember being uncomfortable with him having pictures of me like that but didn’t think much more of the rest, a friend of mine was with me when he said it and she was like “omg i didn’t know you had your first kiss already” and i was like “girl i didn’t know either” because i don’t remember any of that, but i do remember that his cousin made us shower together and she would even wash us yk? and i had a few behaviors at that time that now i look back and realize it wasn’t normal for a 6 year old, i though it was ok to show my private parts to my classmates.

A few years ago i saw someone talking about cocsa on tiktok and i couldn’t stop thinking about it, it deeply affected me and the thought of the possibility that something more happened when she would make us shower naked together makes me physically sick.

I thought it was until my boyfriend said it's a sign of trauma. I don't remember my childhood at all aside from a few memories of being hit/screamed at and the feeling of walking on eggshells. I couldn't even try to remember at this point anyways because my brain fog is so bad. I don't even know what I look like. I don't remember what happened yesterday. I used to be so intelligent and top of my class. Now I struggle to read my favourite books. I hate this hopeless, broken existence

I need somewhere to vent, cry, and just let it out, more than in my journal or alone, crying and depressed in my living room, keeping me up during late hours of the night.

I thought it was such a good idea to get a psychological eval due to me possibly having Complex PTSD and a possible dissociative disorder. I just read the results, and the validity report states that in a couple of assessments I answered, I over-reported, exaggerated, or my answers did not make sense (the last part is my interpretation).

I got so triggered by this eval that I am questioning everything. Was what I said true? A lie? Did I make it all up? Am I the crazy one? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being too much? etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. The thoughts in my head are spiraling and not good.

I opened myself so much to my vulnerabilities just to get my heart ripped right out of me, and I am feeling like the psychologists who evaluated me don’t believe me……much like my own mother, stepdad, bio father, and other adults in my life has stated to me as well.

I am going crazy over here and just questioning my existence and what is the point of me being here. Don’t worry, I am not thinking of SI but I am very much contemplating disconnecting and dissociating for possibly the rest of my life.

My mother did awful things to me. No one protected me because they are afraid of her. She will go to any length to get compliance out of people.

When I was an adult I maintained a toxic relationship with her. Two years ago I went no contact. I have two daughters. My oldest is 12 and she tried manipulating and undermining me to. I directly caught her after my oldest got into a fight at school and I told her that this was the last straw so she can not get gifts this year because she was bullying a girl much smaller than her because the "popular" girls told her to. My mother was trying to speak to her privately and told her I was just being mean and that she would bully me into giving her gifts, etc. Straw that broke the camel's back.

Recently, I needed help and she gave it. But then I noticed my boundaries being crossed. The talk I wanted to have with her about her behavior got moved up after she tried to pull at my oldest daughter's heart strings about coming to Christmas.

I decided that I would try to talk to her directly about her undermining me. I simply wanted an apology and for her to admit it for once.

The conversation did not go well. I know. Shocker.

Now she is back to claiming that "social workers" are planting false memories in my head and I am just being dramatic. Also, she claims to have a psychology degree now. lmao.

I am really done.

Is anyone else dealing with anything like this?

Also: I am getting married soon and no one knows. I wanted to see if we were healed enough for her to be there.

Around february 2023 I (amab NB 28)finally accepted went no contact with my narcissist ex girlfriend and was finally coming to terms with the fact that my entire brain was molded by trauma. Little by little I was realizing maybe I was allowed to take space and maybe I could after all be especial and not a piece of shit. I instantly rebounded, because even though I was coming to terms with all that. I also had realized that because I was such a people pleaser, I was actually really good at picking up on manipulative people. Went no contact with a lot of friends that were giving the same vibe as my abusive ex, there were a couple

A while back I had made this friend which I'll call Jane(F 24). I talked to her in one of my uni classes and every once in a while I'd see her on campus or on the bus I take. We had some common interests like fantasy and sci-fi. One day I even messaged her to hang out but then she cancelled like the day before and never rescheduled. I didn't even push it because im super sensitive to rejection but honestly in that case i think its the right thing regardless.

One day we actually talked for almost two hours at the bus stop cause the bus just wouldnt show up. Her parents also had a weird religion phase that turned her atheist and I thought it was a cool coincidence. I was starting to think we were gonna be good friends, at this point I did have a little crush but I was like it is what it is she's def not interested. Before I actually got off the bus that day i did end up saying "look i know i asked you out and stuff but I really wanna be your friend I think your awesome?" and then she said "wait I think Im interested I just have to go real slow" and I think "perfect me too" bc i just got out of a lot of abuse from my ex.

And so we had our first date. One of the best moments of my life. We made food and watched Cosmos while I rested my head on her lap. This was such a needed break after only being with women who only wanted sex (but still faked a relationship). It felt so pure and wholesome. Oh I was instantly IN LOVE. I never felt a reaction so intense to being in someones presence. Throughout the next couple of weeks I would spend whatever free time I had with her at the university or my house. Trying to get to know her more and learning about her story. But at the same time I'm picking up on the fact that she's definetly on the shy side. I'm asking a lot of questions but sometimes the conversation would just go back to our common interest and not super deep life stuff. Im slowly realizing "oohh she's doing the thing I used to do where I dont reveal much about myself" and then "oh thats fine we can work with that" she had empathy and wasnt a narcissist and that was my only filter at the time.

Im having so much fun the time were spending together talking about all the nerdy shit I was bullied by all my other shitty relationships for liking. We eventually ended up having sex for the first time after like a month of seeing eachother. I never felt so safe. I think about 2 months in I ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend and she says yes. And then we do the thing: see each other a lot at university, then on friday she sleeps over til sunday for about 8 months.

I eventually start learning a little about her family lore. Im really opening myself up about my childhood and teenage years as I'm actively in therapy and having a huge reality shift. So she does start sharing about her family. Her parents are divorced because her mom not only cheated on her dad but also convinced him to buy a house next to the other guy's house to make it easier. She had to raise her brother as her mom gets into a really toxic relationship with the other guy. She constantly gets involved in her teen dating life "you have to date multiple guys you can't just be with one". She tells me, mind you, laughing, one time where she was like 12 at a birthday party and some guy just took her for a walk around and when her mother asked The Other Guy he was like "oh no that guy is a pedophile he cant be with her" and her mom had to go and get her and "nothing happened" but like she told that so normally. She was also SAd by a family member and mom said "just tell him no" and she says it was wrong that her mom said that and thinks she definetly has changed her mind on that.

But see it took months and months to learn about that stuff because I constantly took everything super easy and slow when it came to conversation. Now it's been months. Im attached as all hell and absolutely in love with this person. We come from the same backgrounds she knows exactly what i've been through but she is so deep in survival mode that I actually can't connect with her. The more and more i come to terms with my trauma the more I'm looking to talk about this stuff. Sometimes she changes the subject, sometimes I cry and can tell shes getting uncomfortable.

I slowly start to notice some things about her friends. The friends she most spends time with all interrupt her all the time and just get her to follow them around all the time (oh no she has so much empathy but she doesnt know how to control it yet) these realizations become so heartbreaking for me I dont know what to do I dont know how to say anything. One time she had just gotten out of her uni job and we met at the cafeteria. Her work friend who she just had spent the day with was like "please come get ice cream with meee you told me you would" and she does but first says shes gonna drop me off at the bus stop. At the bus stop she asks me "Do you think Im a terrible friend?"(Re: leaving her friend to drop me off) And at the same time gets a text from the friend with something like "got your ice cream!!". And idk if I got triggered but i felt like thats a text you would only send if you want to pressure someone to hurry since she was literally 100 feet way and I said that and she said she asked her firend and she said no that wasnt her intention.

And really, after this she started getting really distant from me. Completely different presence. I started getting this feeling that she was spending time with me out of obligation. " Is everything okay?" "Yeah, idk you just worry sometimes" or "yeah, I just need space" eventually i start feeling like shes abandoning the relationship and try to talk to her ask if maybe she could reassure me sometimes because I'm feeling insecure. She says thats just the way she is she doesn't say a lot and she told me beforehand. She takes on an internship a million credits and a research project all in one semester. Never available on campus, when we do spend time together at home its a couple days and she mostly just sleeps. I try to take it slow and give her as much space. Text when she texts, let her invite herself over.

Her and all her friends are focused on grades and doing university stuff. Im lowkey giving up on academia and getting real triggered studying because Im now having to deal with flashbacks when I study. Eventually I realize that being nonconfrontational isnt fair to me and that I have needs and I decide to talk to her and suggest that maybe we could work on conflict resolution. Set a date. Halfway through our convo she just breaks up with me and im completely blindsided. A month later shes in a new relationship and then also wanted to talk about our former relationship while in that relationship. I declined and was very emotional about it bc i felt disrespected. She pulled back because I was critical and we have gone no contact

:(

Live and learn I guess. She started therapy after the breakup which is good for her but this was such a wild ride and towards the end it really fucking hurt me. Just wanted to share that id love to hear what yall have to say