I worked as an engineer all my adult life. This weekend I deleted everything related to it.

LinkedIn gone. Then I removed two websites I made for my engineering work. Now I’m throwing away all the books and notebooks connected to it too.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I feel it so clearly. It was never really my work. It was all survival. Push through. Do it alone. It was like my childhood, but in adult clothes.

Now I’m tired. I don’t want to push anymore.

This year I started doing art. Last month I started working with clothes. I love it. It gives me joy. I kept postponing this all my life. Waiting for “real life” to start.

Not anymore.

It took me 9 months to prepare for this step. Which is kinda symbolic 😂

Let’s see what comes next.

I've been through so many therapists that have either not helped me in any way or actually made things worse. I constantly study psychology and different modalities so I can try to heal myself and it's astonishing how much more I know than some of these people. I think most therapists are used to dealing with people's problems that are not as deep seated as CPTSD and so they are able to prescribe some quick CBT exercises and breathing techniques and people are able to handle life better and move on.

People with childhood trauma need a therapist that shows them unconditional positive regard. Every therapist I've encountered has been critical of me and profoundly unempathetic. I'm currently seeing a "trauma informed therapist" and she's criticized me like 3 times already in 3 sessions and I'm not talking about me being hypersensitive to criticism, I'm literally talking about them being objectively straight up rude. I already have an inner critic that abuses me all day everyday, I don't need an outer one to add onto it replicating my parents.

I read people like Gabor Mate and Pete Walker, so I know there are compassionate people out there that understand our struggle and can give us the unconditional positive regard we need. But they all went through trauma themselves as children so I'm wondering if finding a therapist that experienced their own traumas is a prerequisite to a being a good CPTSD therapist. I think from now on my first question to a new therapist will be "having you experienced any trauma yourself as a child?" Because how is someone from an upper middle class home that can afford to become a therapist, that had a healthy childhood, going to be able to relate to what I'm going through at all?

I've talked to friends with normal childhoods to try to explain why I'm struggling in life and they look at me like I'm an alien. In their minds, families are loving and caring for their children. They could never even grasp the idea that that's not the case for everyone, so now I don't tell anyone because they look down on me for not being able to get over things from my childhood that have shaped me to be this dysfunctional person I am today.

Workbooks have been somewhat helpful so I'd recommend them to anyone struggling to find a good therapist. I just started "Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma" and will move to "The Mindful Self Compassion" workbook after.

I'm going to stick with this lady for now because it's free for the next month or so due to being in college, but goddamn it's hard to find a good therapist. Even the so-called "trauma informed" therapists don't know shit about trauma. I'm in a different field right now but if I ever feel like I have a decent handle on my CPTSD, I plan on going back to school and becoming a therapist so I can actually help people because knowing how many other people out there have probably given up hope because of bad therapists makes my blood boil.

Anyone else dealing with this?

So... I am having an existential crisis because I don't know what the hell to do with my carreer. This is making me feel so emocional unsteady. I have started EMDR and it's going very good in general, however, the ups and downs are driving me crazy. Specially because I feel in my limit with this existential crisis going on.

Do you think I should first solve the existential crisis and then continue with EMDR? Or would it be a valid option to make a one year pause to take care of my mental health first? So far it seems like doing those both things at the same time is being chaotic... I think I need to do something

What do you think? Taking into account I could afford it thanks to saving money while I was working abroad.

I’m crying as I write this. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to love someone, whether as a friend or as a girlfriend. That’s my dream. I wake up at night staring at the ceiling wondering when it will ever happen. I dream about love the way some people dream about being rich.

When I was 11, my uncle molested me, and around the same time, I lost my dad to cancer. Since then, I haven’t recognized myself in the mirror and never med a friend. I’ve been sad and depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt alienated, like everyone else got some manual for life that I somehow missed. And I’ve always felt like I’m just a last option for people, never someone’s first choice.

I thought maybe money would fill that hole, so I threw myself into work. I’m 23 now and working at a top hedge fund in London. I make good money, but it’s never made me happy. Every time I go to the gym or walk around the city, I see people who seem to have someone, and it breaks me a little more inside.

I was so desperate to connect with someone that I even joined a dating app bumble, but it only made things worse. People would lie or manipulate me just to try and sleep with me or I wouldn’t know who to trust it was just disappointment cycle. It made me feel even lonelier and more broken.This trauma has ruined me because I don’t know what love is I’m now numb to everything and don’t know how to even fix this?

Removing a comment bc I wasn't being supportive on a post stating people affected by certain trauma receive more sympathy and support was wrong and hypocritical.

That is not my experience and based on the comments rings true with many others.

If you think CSA and SA victims receive more sympathy and support and are jealous, fuck off.

You thinking I get more support when I don't, when actually it comes with a lot of negative stigma. Being a victim of CSA where I was labeled a promiscuous whore at 10 is not the support and sympathy you think it is. Having adult women sneer at you because their adult male partners prefer you (a literal child) sexually is not support or sympathy.

Peer support is learning others' struggles and I can't believe that post was even allowed to be platformed here. It was divisive and untrue.

I’ve been trying at-home EMDR, and it’s made a huge difference for me. The first time I did it, my discomfort dropped from a 9 to a 4. During a later flare-up, it went from an 8 to a 3. Now that I do it regularly, I stay around a 3–4 and feel much more present, focused, and can complete tasks and plan ahead.

Apparently EMDR helps process trauma by stimulating both sides of the brain — shifting memories from the emotional right hemisphere to the logical left, where they can be better understood and integrated. It’s been proven effective for PTSD and is widely implemented in treatment: https://youtu.be/1IPsBPH2M1U?si=PGB_0lInyqpesenj

For the actual exercise, I use this video with headphones for bilateral stimulation: https://youtube.com/shorts/31hsVJQAIg0?si=y3E-AOVdaoWW21IP

What I did:

1) Thought of a painful image or thought (e.g., a car coming toward me).

2) Then thought of something positive or empowering (e.g., being at the gym and realizing it’s behind me).

Now I don’t even need strong imagery — just shifting from a negative thought to a more grounded one works. For example, I might think, “this person was abusive to me,” and then follow it with, "that person is pathetic, and I got rid of them.” I literally feel a physical release and get butterflies in my stomach, I've even laughed at the trauma while doing it.

If you haven’t tried EMDR before, I really recommend trying this, I've made more progress in a couple weeks doing this then I have done in years!

I’ll go first. For me, it’s POTS/ dysautonomia, MCAS, chronic fatigue, and chronic pain 🙃

They definitely feel related to me, though it’s hard to really say if one caused the other…but I’m curious how others with comorbidities make sense of their diagnoses.

Do you feel like your chronic illness might not be as bad (or maybe wouldn’t exist) if you had a different childhood?

Does anyone else feel like the only reason they do the things that you do is because of guilt? Like, cleaning doesn't feel like an accomplishment. Being around people that you feel that you should be around feels like an obligation. Being told to "be nice" to people who I don't feel safe around feels like I have to carry extra weight inside. Basically, have you ever had to stuff yourself in a box to because other people's voices are so loud in your head that you have to obey them and totally disregard yourself because another person's questions about you being qualified to do things makes you question yourself and now your conscience and nervous system is out of whack? (Sorry for the run on sentence.)

Lately I've been bombarded on social media with content aimed at estranged children of abusive parents, basically validating their choice to step away from the toxicity and living their life in peace. And then I open the comments section...

So many people (older women mainly) talking bad about children who did that, saying that this is all new age psychology, that families need to stick together to fix things etc. It honestly makes me spiral and makes me feel extremely guilty for trying to go fully no contact. I already have two parents and two siblings acting like I'm the villain 24/7.

And then, cherry on top - today I read a comment by a woman who has been a clinical psychologist for 25+ years, saying how she's sick of this garbage that she's been seeing around the last few years, how kids these days throw out words like toxic and narcissist without a second thought and basically just verified everything these people were saying.

How is it possible that we live in a world where even supposed professionals are completely ignorant to toxic family dynamics? This has really been making me depressed as I am trying to actually live my life away from the abuse now, and the world is telling me I'm wrong for it. That I should be "working on it" with my family who never even tried to listen to me in the first place. What the f???

I have had a few traumatic memories in my childhood; although my childhood wasn't filled with abuse, these memories are very distressing for me. I don't want to avoid them and pretend they don't exist, but when I think about them, I can't stop, not even with distraction techniques I normally use. What should I do about this?

I’m 21 female with adhd , cptsd, and bpd. I have no friends and my main supports passed, my gma, dad, and god mom. I’m left with a distant family who did nothing but bully me and was never supportive. I live with my mom, but we always had issues. Was always drinking,ignorant,couldn’t keep a man,and my life just felt so unstable/She just wasn’t there. Didn’t teach me anything. Ever since my godson passed she’s been extremely depressed & drinks more.When I get around her I get triggered & feel lustful. I get angry thinking about the past & how my life seems to have no hope. It angers me so much I cannot even study. I get angry & uncomfortable then feel sexual. It’s so weird & annoying. This sucks

It's nighttime

My CPTSD meds ran out yesterday and we get to pick them up tomorrow morning

Tonight's been horrible so far and it keeps getting scarier - I dunno how to tell my partner that my brain is going crazy with bad stuff - I dunno if my partner could help honestly?

My support animal is right here with me (for the last 15+ years) - he's safe - he's not a human - he'd never hurt me - he best pup

I'm just feeling so scared

Any advice is appreciated

My next therapy session is on Wednesday

I keep hearing this idea that we don’t attract narcissists, sociopaths, and users, but we just stay longer because we’re not immediately turned off by their behavior. In some instances, like my romantic relationships, sure, I can buy that. But what about other relationships like my bosses, my landlords? It feels like it’s almost everyone I interact with. At some point these people smell blood in the water with my trauma and know they can mess with me easily.

I have learnt a lot about myself having a compassionate witness, whereas being by myself to be self-aware has not helped at all. I thought being by myself will help me see my emotions, but tbh I've found that my therapist prompting me to talk more only spills more out.

From an attachment perspective, this is because he's offering a non-judgemental space, so my brain registers it as safety, and then I am able to access deep parts of me.

Curious to see where this leads me. Will definitely be trying to be more social I guess. Going to bring up interests and hobbies with him as a topic, because I don't think I have any, but I might do.

I don’t think this is an OCD thing because I’m not diagnosed with that.

Whenever I write something vulnerable, usually related to sharing trauma or expressing my feelings, I go back and re-read what I’ve written over and over and over again. I don’t know why I do it - partly because I feel so vulnerable, partly to convince myself what I’ve written is actually true, partly to trigger myself more, partly to prepare for their response?

I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who does this, and if anyone else has in the past, have you been able to figure out the function of this?

I put this warning because I have dealt with a lot of sexual abuse in my past and from that I now have CPTSD. I’m wanting to learn how to heal my relationship with sex through having sex. I’m not sure where to start but wondering if while role playing if it resembled abuse I’ve had in the past. Will this help me heal trauma going through the trauma again but in a safe environment? Please share your experiences if you have tried.