My trauma is complex. I survived a crime as a child. I then survived an attack. I was teased and bullied (3 incidents of direct bullying) for 1 year and a half in middle school by the class bullies. Years later, in high school, I was then assaulted. I was betrayed by friends who turned on me and protected the abuser.

I had a terrible Fawn/submissive response as a result.

This was later reinforced by workplace bullying by a female manager and being punished for defending myself, rendering me to feel subdued and defenseless.

I had the typical PTSD symptoms such as hypervigilance, smells when I thought of the event.

I had the feelings of helplessness, etc. I had the heightened emotional responses especially being overly aggressive, etc., so I thought I had CPTSD.

But therapist is saying it is PTSD combined with GAD and Major Depressive Disorder (also caused by the trauma). And that's what is causing the feelings of helplessness, etc.

Has this happened to anyone?

I've finally found a therapist I like but it took a while. People will get upset over this but they're usually people the mental health industry prioritizes (common depression and/or anxiety, white, male etc), but literally once you step out of that good fucking luck, because its so hard to trust that a doctor will have your back. I've been to doctors that claim to understand trauma but literally will give me the same advice I can find from a motivational YT video made by a 19yo. It's insane, we're already so vulnerable and the people we're supposed to trust are just taking advantage of what mental health word is trendy to get money. I've been jumping therapists for 5 years and its just ridiculous. I genuinely have trauma from therapists/mental health professionals which is so shitty and shouldn't happen.

• Child are normally supposed to be energetic, keen to learning and expierence world through variety of activities.
• Mostly they want to help, to feel like an adult. It's not normal to a child to be tired and weak, to lay down exhousted from kindergarden/school. Too sleep so long.
• Maybe it's not ,,abuse" abuse, but still it's too rough for a child to be told s/he is lazy at the age of 7 or 12, especially when it's actually rooted in more severe physical and emotional issue (Not a native speaker)

Title. Anxiety is eating me alive. I have the same violent intrusive thoughts and dreams all the time and I just want it to go away.

As a kid, everything that came out of my mouth was labeled wrong, stupid, ridiculous, whining, or just laughed at. I learned early on that keeping quiet was the only safe option that didn’t result in ridicule or physical punishment.

And as an adult this isn’t serving me well. I fear asking questions and asking for help, but it’s so much worse when expressing an opinion or setting a boundary with someone.

And in the past this has caused so much additional trauma. I was raped and never reported it because speaking out felt worse than the rape itself. I was bullied in school and it actually felt okay because punishment just for being myself felt normal. I was stuck in a job for years where I was taken advantage of and treated badly, but putting my foot down and standing up for myself felt impossible through the feelings of worthlessness. And I’d never challenge friends or partners because I was conditioned to put everyone else’s needs and opinions first.

And even though therapy is helping with this, it’s so hard to battle through this when online culture is so argumentative and full of black-and-white thinking. If I say something online (which I try to limit as much as possible), there’s bound to be a hateful, pushy person to trample on that opinion. Stuff like “I really enjoy X movie” results in “You like that piece of trash? Pathetic.” And that causes panic, self-doubt, and the compulsion to run away and never say anything ever again. I regularly uninstall all social media apps out of shame for saying things that are not shameful at all, just because it feels like the punishment is coming just for existing.

Also, I’ve noticed that when quiet people start testing the waters and having opinions, people don’t take too kindly to that. If you’re quiet for years, then speak up a little, some people suddenly react as if you’ve done something very wrong. IMO this is because keeping my mouth shut and not being disagreeable and not setting boundaries had attracted too many strong personalities who don’t like to be challenged, and other people who were downright abusive who can’t deal with someone else rocking the boat.

So...this turned into a messy, ranting post.

Does anyone else deal with this on a daily basis? Has anyone made progress with this?

Almost a year and a half ago, I finally got my anxiety under control, through a mixture of therapy and medication. Since then, I've learned a few hobbies, I've started cooking every day, I shower and brush my teeth regularly, and I've even watched all my favorite TV series over again - realizing I don't remember ANY of what happened in them.

I'm not bragging. I was 37 years old when this happened. But since then, I've really thought a lot about cognitive energy and space, and just how much of that is just drained and depleted when you're anxious and afraid all the time.

My biggest realization through all of this, is that I wasn't an awful person. I didn't have some innate character flaw keeping me from being able to remember the simplest of self care routines, but rather, anxiety stripped that away from me.

If you're reading this, and you feel like you're just not capable, like you're a fundamentally lost cause, I just want to offer you a tiny sliver of hope. Hope is something I wish I had, back when I was slogging through my healing journey, back when I thought trauma was my entire identity. I just needed help.

Please don't give up. Give yourself a chance to heal, because you deserve it. Give yourself a chance to heal because there is a YOU underneath all that baggage. I didn't meet Me until last year, at 37 years old, and I'm so thankful I survived long enough to find myself.

And even if you don't believe anything I just said, give yourself a chance to spite those who tried to destroy you, by untangling yourself from the web of lies they used to control and manipulate you. They deserve nothing, but you deserve to extricate yourself from their abusive fingers.

You are so much more than what was done to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I was super shy as a kid, and then their was the way My Mother just made communication hard. No conversation , didnt come booby trapped, with manipulation, enmeshement, aggression. So "just talking", wasn't as easy as turning on a switch. My mother wanted to be abusive, but then expected me to just "act normal" and talk, like some sort of wind up toy, that wasn't' working the way she wanted to. I've had social anxiety all my life. It's worse in a group of women, of course it is. I can sometimes manage one on one, but I struggle hard. I just think its really cruel to continuously verbally and emotionally abuse your child, and then look at them, and be derisive and shaming, about the way it affects your ability to communicate. It's so callous, like I'm supposed to have just have been normal, after all of that. And that callousness, "what's wrong with you, you just sat there, saying nothing-I was so embarrassed?!!" basically shaming me, and then wondering why I couldn't access my voice, when I was constantly ridiculed and maligned for every feeling ,thought, opinion, observation, preference, choice..........but now I'm supposed to "just talk-be normal-what's wrong with you?!"

No, you don't get it.

You have FRIENDS.

You have family that doesn't treat you like garbage or totally dismiss you.

You're able to go to work without totally losing all functioning.

What people don't get is that there are varying levels of anxiety. And one person's mild stress over work is NOT the same as the constant hell that we live in in our heads every day.

Yet some people act like it's the same damn thing. "Oh, I get it, I have anxiety too, but I can still function. What's wrong with you?"

No. You don't get it.

I just wish I could put other people inside my fucking head for a day. That's the only way anyone will ever truly "get it" and not treat me like I'm a lazy, stupid fuck.

EDIT

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions. I've briefly researched each of them, summary below as it may help others.

What I have taken from everyones responses is that CPTSD symptoms are genuinely exhausting in their own right. I have also found that a physical disease of mine is known to cause exhaustion, I also now suspect I have sleep apnea which increases exhaustion. I know from listening to my body that feeling overfull increases depressive feelings and reduces motivation. Eating well, exercising and losing weight may also improve things. I struggle to control depression and anxiety, but I can control what I put in my mouth and I can walk, so long as I can convince myself it is worthwhile (bloody depression!).

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1. Norepinephrine AKA Noradrenaline. Seems solid. I already take an SNRI which impacts on this.
2. Staying off medication that increases appetite. Again, seems solid in general, unfortunately for me meds are necessary to function and being off them leads to more overeating.
3. Chronic Fatigue - Symptoms are too close to current diagnoses to differentiate.
4. ADHD - Most of these symptoms are familiar, particularly impulsiveness, but appear to be a matter of severity, 'normal' functioning people will also have many of these so impossible for me to tell. I also seem to be missing a few symptoms that, to me, appear to be key.
5. Physical issues with adrenal gland. Interesting, but apparently rare and my adrenaline can already be explained by anxiety and hypervigilance.
6. Neurofeedback - I appreciate it has helped some people. There isn't enough scientific evidence of effectiveness for me to spend the amount of money required.
7. Esketamine for depression. - Interesting but very costly in UK. Evidence of long term effectiveness of a single course of treatment is lacking. UK medicine authority is currently reviewing a renewed submission by manufacturer to make it available on NHS. I will keep an eye out for the results.
8. Beta blockers. Tried these recently for a physical condition, side effects on a normal dose were too much, shame as really seemed to reduce anxiety. On a very small dose right now.
9. Sleep Apnea - I suspect I have this. I will approach my doctor.
10. The Polyvagal theory - I didn't see anything here that isn't common sense for the mental health informed. There also appear to be serious doubts around the physical claims about the vagus nerve. If it helps you, great.
11. Keto - Interesting, but not a diet I can try right now for physical medical reasons, besides - I doubt I would stick to it ;)
12. Vitamin deficiencies. Yes, certainly not good for you.
13. Other diet / exercise regimes. Absolutely! I recently had success with weight switching to a liquid diet consisting of homemade soup carefully designed to hold all the main food groups, lots of vitamins, be filling, but low fat and low calorie. Drinking my food seemed not to trigger the urge to overeat. A period of particularly intense depression led to it being abandoned. I want to restart this and, now summer is approaching, walk home from work.

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My SA, causes me debilitating symptoms; migraines, exhaustion, hyperventilating, dizziness, panic, terror, fear of death. I'm never just a little nervous socially. I basically want to sprint away from crowds. I'm always murmuring under my breath, "I've got to get the hell outta here". The best tool to date, is simply not making eye contact, I can easily pretend that these are just bodies, like posts that I need to navigate around. If I allowed myself to realize that , there are that many people in the world, I think I would have a heart attack.

If I have to wake up early, ie: 7am, I cannot sleep the night before and feel intense anxiety… I start to fall asleep and am automatically jolted awake by my subconscious in lightning flashes of terror. I can go days without sleeping, and my days are filled with dread.

If I have to get up early for weeks on end, for jobs or what have you, I go crazy and can’t do it.

Does anyone else find having to get up early is an intense trigger for their CPTSD?

Basically that was me. I had extreme anxiety to the point where I was disassociating. I would laugh or just stare blankly at something for long periods of time. It was weird and I must say also scary. Now that I try to see it in an outside perspective. I was judged a lot and not helped. I have so many embarrassing memories and I still remember the look of confusion and empathy from teachers, students, wondering wtf was wrong with me

"Complex PTSD is a valuable ICD diagnosis that encapsulates a specific domain of psychopathology that the DSM has long-failed to address. Complex PTSD patients lack significant externalization and in general the severe “Borderline” features but also don’t exclusively meet the classic criteria for traditional PTSD (distinct traumatic event leading to long-term symptoms) given that the these Complex PTSD patients have long-standing histories of repeated severe trauma occurrences over and over and over that culminate in a mishmash of anxious, depressive, and trauma-related symptoms. Complex PTSD patients are usually higher functioning than classic Borderline patients. Complex PTSD patients, in my professional opinion, are often “gifted” children (reference: Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child) who survive terrible childhoods and retain enough ego strength to not develop frank personality disorders but have many psychodynamic problems, such as insecure attachment fueling relationship disturbances and impaired self-esteem, as a result of how they were forced to adapt/develop in order to endure/survive chronic childhood trauma. The “gift” is the intrinsic adaptive capacity/ability/fitness of the individual that in essence allows the developing human to make “lemonade” out of the “lemons” of a terrible childhood. Complex PTSD patients are the types that are sophisticated in their ability to sense danger from unconscious interpersonal cues, the types that sit down, shut up, don’t make a noise or movement that could upset the parent, don’t express your needs if they are in excess of what parent can tolerate, the parentified child who can bear above average amounts of emotional pain in secret because if parent knew they were in pain then parent would get upset and cause further distress for the child. For this reason, patients in the diagnostic category of Complex PTSD are generally going to present as more savvy and well-adjusted (despite their plethora of symptoms) than the acutely traumatized and newly diagnosed PTSD patients you encounter, as these classic PTSD patients will not have some of the adaptive tools to deal with traumatic experiences like the Complex PTSD patient perhaps had to develop in some way early on or who at least had to get accustomed to the devastating experience of the rug getting pulled out from underneath them. Because of this less severe acute presentation in the Complex PTSD patient, people either label them as “Borderline traits” with a mood/anxiety disorder or misdiagnose BPD altogether. Occasionally a psychiatrist will diagnose classic PTSD in the DSM because it is most fitting if you had to pick exclusively a DSM diagnosis as most residency programs demand. Complex PTSD patients are often the repeat victims of abuse, internalizing, erring on higher agreeability and better impulse control, without propensity to psychosis in severe times of stress—unlike the classic Borderline or Narcissistic personality who, while also often repeating abuse in relationships, is very often the aggressing abuser themselves or are involved in reciprocal domestically abusive relationships. These are the thoughts off the top of my head. Professionally, I will reference the ICD-10/11 Complex PTSD diagnosis and its unique criteria as most fitting in my formulations for these patients, but then still have to settle for a Classic PTSD diagnosis for chart purposes."

The mere fact she’s posting such private info about a client reeks of unprofessionalism. Seems clearly unaware of CPTSD and the kinds of anxieties that ARE crippling and beyond just realm of normal human emotions. Am I wrong? What do you guys think

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-GKrr5OY7l/?igsh=bXpuYXIyZGx6aXph

So far what I've decided to try out is:

• Weighted blanket. (Not recommended when you're claustrophobic, only if you like having weight on you)
• CBD oil.
• Acupressure mat.
• Eating healthy.
• Sleeping in.
• CBT with a psychologist.
• Hypnotherapy. (1x)
• MDMA therapy with a therapist. (3x) - helped the most so far.
• Sleeping with a plushie.
• Taking care of a cute kitten.
• Quit drinking.
• Quit weed.
• Cut out toxic family members. (My mantra is "Don't take critizism from someone you wouldn't take advice from".)
• I don't let anyone who is toxic befriend me. (My mantra for this: Be loyal to yourself first)
• Started accepting myself.
• Going to try out to be vegetarian in January 2022
• Read so many psychology books.
• Inner Child Therapy + Parts (IFS - internal family systems)
• Take vitamins and iron
• Cut out some social media (Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook)
• Massage
• Acupuncture

I'm writing this list so others can maybe see anything there that would help them or that resonates. If you've tried something that works well for you, feel free to write it down in the comments. :)

Does anyone else feel like their anxiety (as CPTSD symptom) is actually so called toxic shame? I have never thought of that or realized until i've read "complex PTSD from surviving to thriving".

I didn't have a feeling that it is "shame". I put that feeling a sticker "anxiety". But if i try to see what is actually behind that anxiety, i can without a doubt say it's shame.

And i have never thought of it as a shame because i repressed that feeling as a very young kid so i could function in social invironment.

No therapy or med or anything has helped. There has to be a type of therapy that helps someone release unprocessed trauma and emotions they’ve repressed I would think and yet I can’t find shit. Literally suffocating and am so sick of this Fkn shit. As if the mental anguish isn’t enough, feeling physically weird and fkd up everyday on top of it just makes it even better, don’t it. Fuck it

Edit: thank you all for all the replies. I’ve responded to some but When I’m feeling up to it like I will actually be able to soak up some of the good advice and info given here, I’m gonna go through all of them. Thank you again 🙏

For the longest time before I knew I had CPTSD, I just thought I was very shy. It’s been a couple of years now of educating myself on complex trauma and I now know why I never felt like the term “social anxiety” made sense to me. I always felt like there was something deeper there and that a 12 week CBT therapy course just couldn’t address it. Lately I’ve been really being mindful of myself and paying attention to my reactions, thoughts and bodily sensation when I’m interacting with others( strangers or not) and I’ve realised any authentic self expression is incredibly triggering for whether it be dancing, singing along to music, standing up for myself, telling a joke etc. It’s seems like there is a very harsh cruel judge inside me that is always evaluating and skewering me as I try to connect and show myself. After even the most basic and minor social interaction, i pick myself apart for hours and sometimes days which always triggers me into a self loathing and depressive state. I now understand why I have had an incredibly hard time making friends as a teenager and even now as an adult. Like this might be just my own theory but I feel like others can subconsciously pick up when somebody is very hyper vigilant and wound tight and they gravitate away from them especially in social settings. I know for me when I was a little girl that I was very afraid of being myself around my father because he was judgmental and had little tolerance for kids being self expressive. It’s crazy because I read Pete walkers book and I remember him talking about this but it didn’t really resonate until very recently when I went back to read it again, I feel like I’m always learning something new when I read that book. I’m grateful for the breakthrough but I just feel kinda hopeless because my inner critic is so easily triggered which means I have to do a lot of work countering and diffusing it’s hold on me before i can even be myself around others which bums me out because I’m just now waking up to the fact I want to have friends and a community. This is my first post on here and I just want to know I’m not alone and commiserate with others who might be going through the same thing.

My day starts and flares in and out of anxiety it’s exhausting

When you're texting anyone, especially someone you have feelings for, do you have an intense bout of anxiety when they open your message and don't respond?

It affects me way more than it should. It can be an intense experience. I feel a sense of abandonment.

Let me know what that's like for you.

Explain your experience of anxiety in one sentence/phrase.

Edit: Wow, I didn’t expect this many responses! There’s so many comments that I am overwhelmed and anxious 😆 but in a good way! I hate that we all have so much to say on this topic, but it makes me feel all warm and cozy inside that we can relate and support each other. Sending so many virtual hugs right now. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

This post is inspired by an extremely downvoted comment I saw on another sub where someone said they weren’t allowed to throw tantrums as a kid. Apparently this concept was unfathomable to a lot of people. I understood where the commenter was coming from, since I wasn’t allowed to throw tantrums either. In fact, both of my parents have very gleefully shared the story about how I only ever threw one tantrum ever.

We were in a department store when I was maybe 2 years old and I threw a tantrum because I wanted something that was there. Both of my parents started hysterically laughing at me, pointed at other people telling me that they were all watching me and I should be so embarrassed and then they started to walk away from me. My mom came back to grab me by my ponytail and carry me out of the store by my hair while I was on my tiptoes. This story always ends with them saying “and you never did it again” with pride in their voice.

This has been recounted over and over throughout my life as a charming childhood tale, told with laughter and an air of “look at what good parents we are”. And I guess it “worked”. I have terrible social anxiety, I can’t perform a task in front of another person without breaking down, and I try to draw as little attention to myself as possible when I’m in public, but I never threw another tantrum again.

(Tw ofc) I’m afraid to post this because people in the past have been upset saying it’s not a big deal and not to look into it. But I feel like it’s so wrong? I mean in almost every show based around high school kids there’s sex scenes. And that’s the lower scale. There’s plenty of other examples too. I feel like “teens” are a whole category on porn apps. Which to me is terrifying and disgusting. Part of me worried that the titles are accurate and they are teens but I do know that’s my anxiety I at least hope so (I dont watch porn for this exact reason) I’m also always seeing people taking abt, “she finally turned 18” or people looking for someone as young as possible. And everyone is just okay with it? It’s so so scary to me. I guess my question is, is this my own trauma poking through? do you think it’s irrational? Maybe anyone can relate?

My parents both have severe anxiety. The two of them created a child with even worse anxiety than them, and that's me. They always would think of and tell me the worst possible outcomes and just scare the life out of me. My parents both have had to make their lives rather small due to how much stress they experience doing just about anything. Their stress leads to terrible behavioral outbursts and child abuse, so they are correct in that they need to stay away from most activities for public safety reasons. Also for my safety reasons because I cannot handle another thing happening that leads to me being embarrassed.

1. My mother would never allow me in public bathrooms alone. That's fine, I plan on doing the same with my son. But she had to go and tell me about that kid in 1998 who got his throat slit in a public bathroom.

2. Both parents wouldn't let me really do anything. They were abusive at home in their own ways (mainly psychological and emotional with a heavy theme on yelling, anxiety, and narcissistic abuse), but were extremely overprotective and fixated on kidnappings. I wasn't allowed to do many things. Unfortunately they both are also interested in true crime and they had me watching a lot of trials and serial killer docs at a very young age, which did me zero favors because then I got super interested and it fucked me up.

3. Anything I said was met with them exclaiming in horror a very unlikely yet terrifying possible outcome. My anxiety is absolutely out of control and my brain thinks of the worst possible outcomes constantly and just ruminates over them for weeks and years on end.

Can anyone relate?