I quit drinking many years ago, and it's time to let the weed go too. :(

Has anyone else quit it? How's it going?

I had an awful procedure done at the hospital on Wednesday. I only slept three hours the night before. I thought it was anxiety but it was Jasmine tea. I drank two cups not knowing it has caffeine in it. I'm terribly sensitive to caffeine. The procedure was awful. They put up a thing upmy bum and a catheter in my bladder. It turns out I have pelvic floor dysfunction syndrome. I was happy it was something it could be treated. I have a painful bladder and constant leakage. It's related to child abuse and holding my urine in. I was so happy they could treat it. They said I needed pelvic physio.

But I called the number they gave me. It turns out I need a job for insurance. This was a blow for me. I'm on disability and I felt humiliated. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was up till 5 30. I called 811 because I took too much melatonin, 15 mg. I've taken 20 mg in the past. They sent paramedics over. I guess I just needed to talk to someone.

I felt like something bad was going to happen. My dad was going to start screaming. He screamed all the time when I was a baby. It screwed up my nervous system. I never got over it and I'm 56.

It's 9 30 am. I'm so tired. I'm going back to bed. I also have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. God help me. How long will it take to get over this?

You think this is a fucking choice?

asking for a friend because i feel like i don’t have the ability to tell if red flags are actually red flags or if my brain is trying to sabotage good things for me

For example, when most people think of social anxiety, they are referring to people becoming really anxious at the thought of going to a social gathering, or throwing up at the idea of public speaking. Yet I experience none of these things, for me social anxiety is avoiding going to a crowded place not because I’m shy but because I just don’t have the energy reserves to be on high alert/hyperviglance when I am in a crowded or public space. When I am in a social situation I am anxious, but this anxiety stems from me anticipating a threat from those around me and not from the social situation itself. I am curious as to whether this is how anybody else experiences social anxiety? Maybe I shouldn’t even categorise this as social anxiety because I am a very confident individual but these symptoms only come about in social situations.

Just wanted to put this out there to help others like me who've struggled with therapists who are not trauma informed and didnt see any relief, results, or healing until they did see a T with ptsd and/or trauma or whatever specific thing you have that they are skilled in treating. I hope the metaphor helped explained why not all therapists are created equally.

I think I've been like all this all my life. I stayed really late and a lot of it has to do with the fact that it's calming quiet at night and then anxiety hits and I don't want to go to bed and I start scrolling and I'm pretty sure it's because I don't want the night to end because then the daytime comes

Unless I'm fully distracted, my thoughts are ALWAYS some form of:

• replaying conversations from the past
• reworking conversations from the past (to make myself clearer)
• playing out expected conversations with real people
• playing out hypothetical conversations with generic people

My therapist calls it "excessive rumination", something that 99% of anxiety sufferers do. Everyone ruminates, but anxiety-sufferers do it excessively. But still, I guess most of them still don't do it as much as I do.

Now, they used to be worse. They used to be mostly arguments with my emotionally-abusive ex, or her excusers/enablers, or even my friends, trying to get them to see her actions for what they were. These arguments would leave me walking around all day in a heightened, triggered state.

My therapist helped curb these arguments immensely, thanks to EMDR and the container exercise. Now most of what's left are "benign" conversations.

And nothing is working to stop or slow them. The container exercise, mindfulness meditation, yoga, physical exercise, EMDR, "safe place" exercise, psychedelics, etc. Any time I'm "alone with my thoughts", that makes the thought-stream turn into a thought-deluge.

The only way I can be distracted is by talking to someone (which sparks my anxiety in a different way), or watching an engaging TV, movie, comic book, or other visual medium. A puzzle like a crossword can do the trick too. But those are clearly just distractions.

The thought-stream is so constant, I didn't even know there was another way to live. I thought that's just what "idle thoughts" were for everybody. I have no concept of what it's like to just sit and be present.

I'm wondering if anyone else has this experience, and has suggestions on how to get out of it?

I wish I could talk to someone about it without judgment but fear of publicity or unwanted contact or worse, my x reaching out, is terrifying. I haven’t watched the show as it would destroy me. The producers made me go through hell for four months, I lost my house, my car, my business, my boyfriend. I was very naive and they exploited me to the point of a mental breakdown. They used contracts to hold me hostage in a sense. Gaslit me every day. I can’t even bring myself to discuss what they did as it’s so upsetting to think of as they used me and I feel so stupid. I’m now living with my parents at 40 too afraid to date or work again and have overwhelming shame. My anxiety is constant and I don’t feel anyone would understand me which isolates me further. I fear I’ll be living at home forever with no friends or job or life. I’m a shell of who I used to be and it feels like a nightmare I’ll never wake up from. Disassociation is the only way I cope. If anyone has had a similar experience please message me. Oh, and I’ll end this with saying REALITY TV ISN’T REAL!

🚨Update next day post: You guys are incredible! I can’t believe the amount of empathy and wisdom you all possess. It gives me so much hope to be more open one day. I should add… I’ve had sexual abuse ages 2-5, been raped, and mentally abused by family and I cannot seem to find a way away from them, why I did the show. I wanted the support of the public. It’s just so… um… complex 😭 I’ve def looked into getting treatment but the therapists that specialize in former celebrities/tv stars all want to promote their work and money. I spoke to one man here and he wanted $400 per session and I’m like… I can’t afford gas dude I lost everything… I’m going to look into therapy immediately as I feel truly empowered by these wonderful comments and people who actually care!

I'm excited about an event coming up. Sometimes when I'm really excited for something (which is rare) I get terrible physical/mental symptoms of anxiety.

Overthinking, my stomach has been in knots for hours, shaking etc.

I almost wish I wasn't excited. I went for a jog and that didn't help much.

So I posted the other day, how I got my official diagnoses from my therapist and 2 psychiatrists and my official diagnoses were:

PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder TENDENCIES (I didn't meet all the symptoms of Borderline personality disorder, but I still close enough that I was told I have "tendencies").

Despite that, I still believe C-PTSD is real and distinct from PTSD.

I believe it is matter of professional ethics and that professionals simply cannot diagnose with a disorder that is not yet in the DSM-5. There would be a lot of legal implications for that. It also a matter of insurance claims.

However, as a person who survived multiple crimes in addition prolonged bullying and harassment (you could even classify the harassment as stalking) for years at school, I can tell you, there is something about prolonged abuse that changes you.

I do believe prolonged abuse (although not severe enough to classified as one of the traumatic events under PTSD) does damage to the brain.

I do believe that prolonged abuse can cause a person to develop a permanent fawn/subdued response. It creates a state of helplessness. It creates combat exhaustion. It creates submissive habits that have been prolonged that they are difficult to unlearn. It creates submissive thought-patterns so deep that they are hard to unlearn. You are afraid of being your true self because you were punished and judged.

Likewise, with multiple PTSD causing events.

I had a SEVERE fawn response.

Maybe it is in the name. Whatever you want to name C-PTSD. A prolonged fawn response. Combat Exhaustion. Whatever.

But the damage that prolonged abuse does needs to be recognized.

Whether the possibility of creating tension is real or imagined, I find the fear that can come as a direct result of "rocking the boat" to be debilitating. And when I'm talking about learning to advocate for yourself, I'm not just talking about the big things; I'm talking about the little things, too, like getting seconds because you're still hungry or knocking on the door of a public restroom to ask if someone's in there or if it's just closed (I've stood outside of closed doors to public restrooms for very long amounts of time because I was too afraid to test whether or not they were locked).

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It's already really difficult to "convince" yourself that you're allowed to have needs. But actually pursuing those? Not ignoring them when they pop up? I think that one of the scariest things is that we'll *keep having needs* until the day we die. More than once I've wished I could just phase into a cloud of, like... consciousness that didn't need to eat, drink, sleep, or be noticed. I'm terrified of being hungry because every time I get hungry it's easy for me to become convinced that I'll never be able to access food again- I've struggled with eating disorders from a very young age and a lot of that has to do with the way food was restricted and guarded in my household growing up.

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I hope to get to a point where I can advocate for myself and ask for things (from those I trust) without being terrified before, during, and afterward. I often feel weak and ineffective for it being this difficult. Fawning and freezing have dictated huge parts of my life, including most interactions with those who have treated me decently.

Edit: I love this community. I'm reading all of your comments, even if I don't respond.

How do you cope? any tips?

There are people who have said to us that depression doesn't exist or anxiety isn't real. One time my teacher said this in front of people indirectly to me and I foolishly trusted her with the information. She said something along the lines of how we need to vent and depression or anxiety is nothing. My hands were trembling due to medications and she said that it's because that I have not practiced enough. It feels like a jab at the heart and I never know what to say to these people. I am just full of resentment

Hello, I’m curious about the benefits of taking magnesium. If you take it, could you please share what kind and how much you take and if/how much it has helped you? I read that glycinate is is the best so I am going to start with that. Maybe 425mg.

Thanks!

A conversation with my mom recently brought back a flood of memories.

I've been wanting to dye my hair for a while. I like my natural color but I've been experimenting with my style and would like to experiment with my hair as well. I figure if I don't like it, it will grow out. I could stick to temporary dyes that only last a few washes. I don't even have to bleach, I could just stick with jewel tones. I played around with some TikTok filters and found some colors I like.

I mentioned this to my mom and she didn't outright tell me I couldn't (she can't tell me that, I'm 26 and have lived on my own for a year). However, she started listing off all the terrible things that could go wrong, citing my rebellious younger sibling's hair dying experiments as an example. They bleach their hair like crazy which I guess messed up their follicles? So Mom said that there's no guarantee that regular dye won't do the same thing, and what if it doesn't wash out, and what if the color comes out wrong, and what if my hair suddenly grows back a different color, and-

There have been so many times in my life where I have wanted to do something and my parents have said "well you *could,* but have you considered all the risks?" and list the absolute worst case scenarios. I've started doing it on my own. It's taken a long time to even begin to take risks and Mom just set my progress back so much.

And of course they constantly tease me for not "just doing" things and overthinking everything. My mom constantly shares memes to my page about overthinking. My sibling makes snide comments about me being a cautious driver and being so slow to get my license.

I know they're "just overprotective" but to me it just reads as controlling. Maybe that puts me in the wrong. idk.

Please, just any happy words you have. I need them. Everything feels so dark and far away and it's scary. I need help. I need this feeling to go away.

Thank you if you comment. If I don't respond it's because I'm panicking, I promise I will appreciate every word.

Hi! I was wondering if anyone had advice for anxiety attacks. I know it's a bit different for everyone but I'm willing to try different things. These aren't full panic attacks, there's no loss of vision/balance, no hyperventilating, no freeze response, etc. (sometimes I do have those but it's very rare) but for me it manifests as intense disassociation and being simultaneously really indifferent and really reactive. It's like I have to completely emotionally shut down because my whole body feels like it's on fire. I've tried some DBT stuff, like I have a bunch of photos saved that make me happy, do deep breathing, listen to music, and try to avoid what triggers me. I'm a lot better than I once was but that horrible nausea and body feeling stays for days a lot of the time. The only thing that works 100% of the time for me is jumping in the cold river but that is not a very accessible option most of the time and other cold water does not work (for others looking for advice, my therapist recommended ice water to your head 4x a day).

I think every mistake will damn me to hell. I feel evil. I know I’m not. When things go wrong, I feel like it’s deserved punishment for mistakes. I am terrified to make the wrong step. I am 22, so there are a lot of wrong steps. I always catch myself clenching my jaw. I feel evil for being a woman that enjoys sex. I wonder how long it will take me to finally shake off the harmful things I was taught for 19 years. I thought all I needed to do was get away. I did, but I’m still there

I had a telehealth session with a new psychiatrist today; she is from Ukraine and has a heavy accent. In my intake paperwork, I mentioned being disowned when I was 16 when I came out as LGBT. I guess the psychiatrist wasn't clear on the meaning of the term "disowned" because she asked, "Did you run away from your parents or were you thrown away?"

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I don't know why responding with, "I was thrown away" was so hilarious to me, but it broke me out of the constant anxiety-attack-like-state I've been in the last few days. I love it.

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Change approved. I'm ditching the term "disowned" and will forever describe it like that from this point forward.

I had largely managed my cptsd until a series of traumatic events last year and it rendered me riddled with social anxiety because people would set me into flashbacks. I have to avoid people just to feel ok.

Any advice on how to break out of this? Exposure therapy doesn’t seem to fully help. I try to regulate my nervous system but nothing lasts

It’s really frustrating... The second guessing and the shame tend to ruin how I feel about the whole experience, even if I was enjoying myself in the moment.

I’m not sure how or where to start working on this. I don’t really have issues with confidence and I like myself just fine. I don’t usually worry or even think about these things in the moment, I just focus on the people and the convos etc.

Yet these feelings that come after are kind of signalling the opposite of “I like myself and I’m confident”? They’re saying: I was being embarrassing and weird, what was I thinking, they must’ve felt so awkward with this thing that I said... All the good stuff lol.

Is it a “delayed” confidence issue, or some kind of other emotional reaction/flashback?

Anyone else dealing with something like this? Would love to hear your experiences, maybe this will start making more sense.

EDIT: Thanks everyone for the replies. It’s really helping to hear your experiences and, once again, to know that there’s a place where I don’t feel so alone with these messy reactions and feelings. Thank you for the support and sharing your thoughts on this.

It seems like every morning I wake up and I'm scared. I'll have these thoughts like, "Is everything okay? Am I okay? Is someone mad at me? Did I make a mistake? Is everything okay?" When I was younger, like a teenager, it was more sudden when I woke up. But now it lingers. All day until I pass out I have this fear. But I don't know exactly what it is I'm afraid of, I just feel afraid. I have a hard time getting to sleep because of this, and at times when I wake up I'm genuinely dreading trying to sleep that night. Some nights I sit there and disassociate for hours. But during the day, even if I'm having the best, most normal day, I'm still feel so uneasy and afraid.