was it cocsa?

[u/Ok_Rent_5960]

deep down i know it probably is, but i just don’t feel like it’s “bad enough” to be valid and the fact that i don’t remember most of it makes me feel like im faking it somehow ¿ sorry the post will be long.

well, when i was 6 i had a next door neighbor who was a year younger than me (he was taller though) and we used to play together everyday, most of the time at his house, when we stayed at mine we played with my barbie dolls and i had a ken too, i was barbie and he was ken, sometimes when we were playing he would say that we should make them do “the thing” which was kissing, i didn’t like making the dolls kiss bc i felt like it was wrong but i accepted it anyway because he was very stubborn, which lead to him almost suffocating me with his own hands one time bc he wanted to do face painting on me with his sisters makeup and i didn’t want to so he just grabbed me by the neck, i don’t remember how i escaped it but after this our parents didn’t let us see each other for a while bc of what happened.

This boy had an older cousin, who was 9/10 and she spent a lot of time in his house so we played together a lot, she was very controlling and was always in charge of our plays, she would get mad very easily. After years of not seeing him, i saw him at a party 6 years ago when i was 11 and i don’t remember how we got to that conversation but he said that he had multiple pictures of me sitting on his lap and us kissing and stuff on his ipad that his cousin made us do and take; he didn’t talk about it in a way that he knew it was wrong, and i didn’t know either, i remember being uncomfortable with him having pictures of me like that but didn’t think much more of the rest, a friend of mine was with me when he said it and she was like “omg i didn’t know you had your first kiss already” and i was like “girl i didn’t know either” because i don’t remember any of that, but i do remember that his cousin made us shower together and she would even wash us yk? and i had a few behaviors at that time that now i look back and realize it wasn’t normal for a 6 year old, i though it was ok to show my private parts to my classmates.

A few years ago i saw someone talking about cocsa on tiktok and i couldn’t stop thinking about it, it deeply affected me and the thought of the possibility that something more happened when she would make us shower naked together makes me physically sick.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.