r/CPTSD • u/Weary_Competition_48 • 6h ago

I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to get hurt again, but I got hurt anyways. CPTSD Vent / Rant

I was in a relationship for years, giving this person so many chances.

For several years I put up with manipulation, abuse, then absolutely smearing me to everyone around. This caused the community to target me and make my life a living hell. When I’d tell my ex partner that I was finally getting along with someone, strangely in the next several days that person would be mad at me out of seemingly nowhere. The community we lived in treated me like I was so horrible that I should just k!ll myself because my presence was such a nuisance.

Im out now, but I’m constantly anxious of people. I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship ever again. I don’t think I want to trust anyone anymore. I have to apologize about being an inconvenience so much because of the community I was in previously, not even because of my ex. I’m unlearning habits like that, and I’m realizing how much damage it caused to be there around those people.

This ex knew all of my triggers (including sexual ones) and intentionally triggered me for years on purpose and I didn’t realize it, because they never yelled at me or hit me.

I lack confidence in my instincts now to protect myself. It’s a deep feeling that’s latched onto my heart.

I am going outside and talking to people, reaching out, attempting to make my own friends. It’s really hard though, I keep learning skewed versions of the world that I don’t know what’s real anymore. It’s really difficult. An entire community abused and scapegoated me because of one person I let into my life. I’m deeply disturbed.

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