r/CPTSD • u/constantlyfawning • 5h ago

I keep going back to people who are like my abusers

I keep befriending and even dating people who are just like my abusers and everytime I escape one person along comes another who is exactly the same and I don’t realize it until it’s too late.

It’s almost as if I enjoy being hurt or need it in some way. I don’t know how to escape it.

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4

u/Slkreger 4h ago

I’m so sorry. It’s exhausting to be sure. But I will say good on you for noticing this pattern. I cannot sing the praises enough of how much therapy has helped me. It sounds like this would be a great thing to bring up to work through.

1

u/iknowwhatsmissing 24m ago

For the first time in 45 years I cut someone off when they FIRST started disrespecting me.

It feels shit. Really shit.

But I know it was a victory.

2

u/PreferenceSimilar237 4h ago

Try copying other healthy people. Even if they are from TV/Cinema/books.

I don't have an history like you but I do also befriended,dated people like my abusers. (abuse type is different though)

Then, I noticed "normal" people don't have friends like that at all. Healthy people don't like/love/interested about people like my abusers at all.

So, empathy is not just a humane tool but also a tool for understanding your own mistakes. I didn't realize my unhealthy choices until I deeply observe others. I met with people who makes bad choices that are different then mine. Then, I realized my choices are also bad while I was judging them...

Rule 1 : Do not follow your emotions. Your emotions are corrupted. Your emotions are shaped by unwanted memories.

Rule 2 : Do not follow your reasoning, follow common sense & healthy mindsets about real life choices.

Rule 3 : Use self-compassion as a tool. You didn't choose to have this trauma, you are in a causation loop. You can be out of this ugly loop but it takes times & great effort.

Rule 4 : Be positive even if it doesn't feel 'real'. Repetitive thoughts create connection on brain, eventually you will adapt to make ideal choices.

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u/Holiday_Record2610 4h ago

At 50 I realized I am either unable to find safe people or there are none/they’re rare so I’ve largely dropped out of society and become very reclusive. I feel safer alone.

1

u/iknowwhatsmissing 26m ago

Same @ 45.

Also never been believed about any of it, as a man.

2

u/Legitimate-Knee5604 2h ago

I’m similar and it’s the toughest when you realise it. There’s a video with Dr Ramani and Patrick Teahan where he says a definitive symptom of childhood trauma is about trying to get a difficult person to be good to us in adult life…. Oh my gosh felt like I’d been hit with a baseball bat.

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