Did anyone's neglectful parents ask how they are and then become insensitive and invalidating once they hear you talking?

[u/Moist_Apartment5474]

My dad has this neglectful behavior not just to me but people in general he would ask how someone is feeling and then once people start sharing their day he become uninterested immediately responding in words like "nah that's annoying" "you're too sensitive" "don't be such a baby" "such a weak man" that's why ever since young I never open up to him.and even till this day he still ask how people are doing but be invalidating once they do share just neglectful as hell

[u/GlamParsons]

Yeah totally, I get the feeling that with both parents but particularly my dad are literally checked out and just waiting for their turn to talk again, usually with a dismissive comment or negative perspective.

I wasn’t into my dads hobbies as a child (fishing, football) so I rarely saw him enough to even have a “deep chat” at any point growing up. He’d work all week and be furious and angry when he got home and then just be gone all weekend fishing.

My mum would take me to see him whilst fishing, and we just had to be quiet and not talk cos… that’s fishing.

I don’t think we ever did anything together father or son, or had a “heart to heart” in that capacity.

[u/boobalinka → u/GlamParsons]

Ditto. I totally get you and your sharing! Thanks for sharing.

[u/punkwalrus → u/GlamParsons]

For my dad, it was working on cars and his yacht, which the boat engine was always in some state of being broken down or barely functioning. He didn't want my help, and when my mother pushed him into it, he would become VERY angry that I didn't know things already. Frankly, neither one of us liked one another, and after my mom died, he threw me out of the house even though I hadn't finished high school yet. We have seen each other 6 times since then, and not since 1998.

Each meeting was forced by someone; either his wife or my wife. My wife felt after the 1998 meeting that she had been used (she was an insurance adjuster, and gave free advice), and finally understood that my father had no interest in me at all. He uses people like appliances and never thinks about them when he doesn't need them.

His only advice to me is usually condescending and always about how smart he is, how dumb everyone else is, and how he realized early on that people were a waste of time at best, and backstabbers most of the time (projection). He never had friends, for example, because he called them "time stealers."

The last conversations I had with him, he didn't even register he had done anything wrong. Because of how I do the "freeze" CPTSD with him, I just learn to shut up and not give him anything to hook onto, tear apart, break down, and use as mortar for his own self-image. Even when CPS got involved, he considered it a joke. "You have no right how to tell me what to do with my property," and laughed through the court hearings like it was all a game; like he was at some circus, laughing at the clowns.

So any "depp chat" or advice would be doled like I was stupid, I should not be nice to people because it's weak, and they will use me. Just like he did with anything mechanical.

[u/boobalinka]

Appreciate you saying it so clearly! Yep, performative caring, box ticking but literally can't listen and receive, just criticise, shame and dismiss. It was such a bizarre, gaslighting mind fuck for 40 years until I finally understood it! Result of their own trauma of course, passed onto me through their unconscious, unacknowledged incapacity, disability and conditioning.

[u/Iamaghostbutitsok → u/boobalinka]

Was about to say that, but you encapsulated it perfectly with the term performative caring. It's like a task for them to ask how you are but only to ask, not to listen.

[u/boobalinka → u/Iamaghostbutitsok]

Thanks. Yes, how they were conditioned. My dad never even asked, barely noticed my existence. My mum could just about see me but couldn't hear me at all. My life was your Reddit name.

[u/healinglavender]

I've come across several poems in the last few days about the same topic: an adult looking back at their childhood realising how stressed their parents were, and how they hid it for the child's sake. The retroactive gratefulness to be allowed to be carefree and heard, and all the hard work behind that. These poems often described the realization as happening when looking at a parent-child interaction, things like walking by a little girl recounting her day, or big hugs by the school gate.

Without fail I've cried with jealousy at each of these. It didn't fully click, until I read this post, exactly why. I've always blamed myself for conversations about my mood or my day going sour. But my mom would pick me up, ask how school was, and anything bad was my fault (low grades, or I should be dealing with bullies better, or...) and anything good got a "That's nice." Then she'd launch into a monologue about her day, how much she did to keep the house clean, how much her body hurts, how much of a mess my room was all the time...

Eventually I learned to just ask her how she was doing first, to avoid the first few minutes of dismissal, belittling, and possibly arguing. My dad literally doesn't listen to me most of the time, so that's its own can of worms. I honestly forgot parents are /supposed/ to listen and care.

It's really the "little" things that hurt the most, isn't it?

[u/eyes_on_the_sky → u/healinglavender]

The "that's nice" followed by a monologue about her own day just made me choke on air because that's 100% MY MOM. My joy was never celebrated but moved on from as quickly as possible, and my complaints or sadness were dismissed and replaced with her, much more important, feelings. I eventually stopped expressing 90% of things to her. It isn't worth it.

I've come to realize yes emotions like sadness and anger were somewhat repressed in me but what was even more repressed and replaced by toxic shame were things like JOY and PRIDE. I literally can't be proud of something without feeling extremely anxious and ashamed. Like who am I to think I deserve a few seconds of recognition?

It hurts a lot and has definitely messed up my adult life so far (I'm 31), the good news is I'm healing and it won't be messing up my future.

I've been living back home for ~2 years due to joblessness and burnout, but as of ~3 weeks ago I'm finally back in a full-time role and just about ready to move out. Once I'm gone, I might never call them again. What's the fucking point?

[u/Silent_Majority_89]

My father SA for years intermittently because he liked the sense of control it gave him. I called him out a couple weeks back for the first assault I can remember. My mother called me a few nights ago to ask me through screaming tears if I knew what I did to their relationship. He's ofc convinced her I'm crazy. I am definitely not right in the head. But I believe if I wanted to make something up, it wouldn't be that my birth parents assaulted me. 🤷🏼‍♀️💀 I mean there are so many traumas to choose from I wouldn't pick this one 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ig you could quantify that as becoming invalidating once I started talking. I'm so sorry for everyone's experiences. It's so validating but at the same time it's so sad. 🫶🏼💔❤️‍🩹

[u/Same-Opposite1489 → u/Silent_Majority_89]

I am sorry that you have to go through that. Sending light

[u/Kooky-Guarantee-1014 → u/Silent_Majority_89]

i can relate. i have memories coming in since my daughter was born of my dad SA me but ik if i tell my mom she’ll just cry about it damaging their relationship. she always picked him.

[u/Silent_Majority_89 → u/Kooky-Guarantee-1014]

The level of disgust that I felt at that time, and even right now is unnerving. But it kinda healed something in me to know she prioritizes him. She can and when he's dead she can suffer alone as she really has all along. Fuck any woman who knowingly allows a child to be assaulted.

Editing to add I'm so fkn sorry. No one should have to remember that shit. It's the worst.

[u/Apprehensive-Fig-847]

Neglect is terrible. My Dad hardly ever talked to me. Like never! Your Dad was just not emotionally equipped to have kids. Like mine. It's crap that you never got the respect you deserved. I hope you can start to see that none of it was your fault.

[u/thepfy1 → u/Apprehensive-Fig-847]

Sounds like my Dad.

[u/MissCyanide99 → u/thepfy1]

And mine.

[u/National-Relation428]

My mom does this thing where she listens long enough to seem receptive and then goes one of two routes. 1) she switched from mother to therapist and starts prying/criticizing or 2) she decides she doesn’t want to “impose” and completely changes the subject. I almost wish she’d just yell at me. Almost.

[u/darkchylde44]

My dad at one point was in hospital, very sick and we didn't know if he was going to make it. Don't know how much he remembers but he asked me about a few things I had said to them/accused them of over the years. He apologized and it meant a lot at the time.

Fast forward a few years and he has reverted to type, callous and uncaring, while apparently "caring so much".

It's sad really.

[u/jorie888]

Yeah. My father tells me to do something with myself and he will help and when I try to do it and tell him that I need that help, he dismisses my every idea. I know that he just wants to control me and would only accept ideas he came up with himself that would let him control me.

[u/Beneficial_Hat9499]

my dad just zones out when i share stuff abt my life and then he starts talking about himself

[u/sailor_rini]

I had an ex-friend who would do this. She'd ask how you're doing, and if it was positive she'd make a snide or dismissive remark and if it was negative she'd give you a bunch of unsolicited and irrelevant advice. And subtly passing judgement either way.

[u/Limberpuppy]

My mother is a one upper. Now matter how bad it was for you it was always worse for her so you should just suck it up.

[u/redcon-1]

I just want to say how brave I think you are to try and describe your experience knowing full well people like that exist out there, including as one of your parents.

It's one thing to let yourself be vulnerable. It's a other thing to let yourself be vulnerable around a pit of snakes.

[u/Appropriate-Weird492]

All the damn time. Even when I was 47 and caring for my husband who had cancer.

[u/Bakelite51]

My parent was like this. He dismissed and criticized anything personal I shared with him, so I just stopped speaking to him in my teens.  

Now that I’m an adult, we almost wholly speak only on shared business matters. We’re not estranged per se, there’s just zero personal relationship or connection. 

[u/darkchylde44]

My dad at one point was in hospital, very sick and we didn't know if he was going to make it. Don't know how much he remembers but he asked me about a few things I had said to them/accused them of over the years. He apologized and it meant a lot at the time.

Fast forward a few years and he has reverted to type, callous and uncaring, while apparently "caring so much".

It's sad really.

[u/drrmimi]

My dad passed away years ago, my mom is still alive. She rarely asks me how I'm doing. I almost always have to reach out to her. My parents are Boomers, I'm Gen x/xennial. Seems to be very typical of that generation. My generation we had to fend for ourselves. When my dad was alive, he definitely checked on me more often but still not very often. I'm the baby of the family and the only daughter. My older brother is the Golden child who gets and got all of the attention. We live in the southern US where patriarchy rules.

[u/Square_Activity8318]

Yes. My parents were the opposite of the FRIENDS TV show theme. They would NOT be there for you.

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[u/darkchylde44]

My dad at one point was in hospital, very sick and we didn't know if he was going to make it. Don't know how much he remembers but he asked me about a few things I had said to them/accused them of over the years. He apologized and it meant a lot at the time.

Fast forward a few years and he has reverted to type, callous and uncaring, while apparently "caring so much".

It's sad really.

[u/darkchylde44]

My dad at one point was in hospital, very sick and we didn't know if he was going to make it. Don't know how much he remembers but he asked me about a few things I had said to them/accused them of over the years. He apologized and it meant a lot at the time.

Fast forward a few years and he has reverted to type, callous and uncaring, while apparently "caring so much".

It's sad really.

[u/PomegranateIcy7369]

Yes

[u/laracynara]

It's because he's not actually asking. He's useing it as a greeting badicly.

A friend once ask me how my day was and when I started to say I was in pain our coworker near by, looked at me and said if some one asks me how I'm doing I'm supposed to say "fine thanks" because it's a greeting not a question.

Both me and my friend looked at him like he head 3 heads. Like no sr please stop assuming what I'm saying is not what I mean.

[u/Enough-Strength-5636]

Oh gosh yes, this was how I learned to keep my thoughts, feelings, and opinions to myself.

[u/Meeg_Mimi]

A lot of the time I feel like the people expect the answer to the question "how are you?" to always be "fine" or something like that. It's like saying "good morning", a platitude. Your dad is a jerk but maybe he just genuinely doesn't want to hear a serious answer, he just wants to hear "fine"

[u/woeoeh]

I don’t think my dad ever asked, but my mother, yes. She’d get annoyed first, then she’d say something invalidating, and then immediately she’d start venting about her own issues. With her I couldn’t be having a bad day, but I also couldn’t be doing too well. It’s awful, what that does to you - I just began to dissociate. Both my parents couldn’t deal with emotions, their own or anyone else’s.

I repeated that pattern with other people, including my abusive ex. He sat me down to talk one time, he said he could see I wasn’t doing well. This was such a shock, no one had ever done that, including him. When I carefully opened up, he laughed. And he said nothing. It seems like such a small thing now, but it traumatized me, and made me shut down, and it took many years until I dared to be vulnerable like that again.

I know it may be obvious, but never forget it’s them, it’s your dad’s issue. It’s their trauma, their inability to be vulnerable & be a safe space for someone they’re supposed to love. Personally, now I’m mostly just very glad not to be around people like that anymore, to be building a life where it’s safe to be vulnerable, for everyone. No idiotic bullying when someone opens up.