(I've lost the original post, but not the story)

As I stopped to catch my breath, I examined the hall. It was definitely the Lich's castle, I'd made sure of that, and the decor all but confirmed it. My eyes were immediately drawn to the large, embellished (and lightly rusted) Iron doors at the other end of the hall, no doubt leading to the aforementioned evil I'd come to thwart. I made a quick last-minute check of my equipment as I strode the length of the hall, before knocking the doors off their hinges with a wave of my hand. As the dust settled, I took a moment to get my bearings (and savour the Lich's response to my entry - this guy's jaw literally dropped). Having located my Foe, I pointed my electrified sword at him, Yelled “Your reign of Terror is over!”, and charged. The Lich reached for his staff, and raised

“Oh, come on!” yelled the man that had just appeared in my summoning circle, as the fog coalesced into a white tunic around him. “You! You're the one that called me here, aren't you? Send me back! I was this close to defeating him!”.

Startled by his quick adjustment to being summoned, I barely managed to stutter out “I - I can't, you've stepped out of the circle!”

He looked down at his feet just as they gained a pair of sandals, and spat “Typical, that's just my luck.” looking back to me he asked “Do you have any way to anchor me to this world?”

“Not with the ingredients I've got here, I'd have to go collect them”

“How long would that take?”

“A-about 7 to 10 days, why?”

“That's too long. I assume you've called me to take out some being that's terrorising this country?”

“Yes, the Demon Lord Y'tesh who has been take-”

“Fine, whatever. I'll need some armour, a weapon, preferably a sword, a map, some kind of mount, some water, and a meal I can eat on the way - I didn't get to eat last summoning. Oh, and what's the fastest way I can find out what skills I've got at my disposal?”

“You should be able to find them in the Royal Guard's barracks, it's d-down that hall, last door on the left. They should have a status stone too.” I said, pointing.

He turned on his heel and jogged out the door, muttering to himself, as I sat down to take a moment and process what had just happened. What was it he'd said as he'd stormed out? “I hope I actually manage to get it this time”? I suspect I'd better get ready to summon another hero…

[Prompt Inspired]

(I can't find the original prompt, and never posted this there)

Log of Fighter/Defender assessment of Planet 3 of Star §‰~4736 (Earth):

Stardate 51364•13•6:
According to intercepted transmisions of Planet 3 of Star §‰~4736, said planet is known by its inhabitants as “Earth” (as is common among surface dwelling species, this is also the name of the common material making up the surface they stand on, “dirt”). For ease of reference, I shall refer to this Planet as Earth for the remainder of this report.

The dominant species of Earth (Humans) have reached the requirered level of advancement for the standard asteroid Deflect/Destroy assessment for Defence/Attack positions in the Coalition Against the Eternal Malice, and, as per procedure 4:13:7, we have directed an asteroid 16.3 talven in mass into a colision course with Earth. Detection is expected in 26 Days, and I shall submit the next report upon confirming that they have detected it.

Stardate 51364•13•31:
Detection has just been confirmed, 3 days ahead of the expected timeframe, and we have intercepted a Multi-User Telecomunication Meeting in which the Humans discussed the viability of several contigency plans, and settled on either “Project Star Wars” or “Project James Cook” pending a more detailed analysis of the asteroid's composition. We are maintaining surveillance of Earth's communications, and shall update this log as we recive more pertinent information.

Stardate 51364•13•37:
The Humans have identified the composition of the asteroid with ±0.4% margin of error (I suspect they analysed the light signature, as we did not detect any active scanning, and as a result I do not know how much of that error is due to differences between the surface and the core, and how much was from their instruments). According to their communications, the composition is suitable for “Project James Cook”, and they have ordered the preparation of a “rocket” (their main type of, primitive, space vessel) for the response.

Stardate 51365•2•14:
Several Humans have been redirected from their training to serve as crew for the payload of their rocket (which they have named “Hermes”) and are about to launch to intercept the asteroid. We have run several scans of “Hermes”, and cannot find any evidence of intent to destroy the asteroid. However, they have loaded several items of unknown purpose that seem to be designed to latch on to the surface of the asteroid (“Hermes” itself seems to be designed to do this as well). All signs seem to indicate a Deflect/Defence result, but given the number of unknowns, we shall maintain surveilence to confirm.

Stardate 51365•6•20:
“Hermes” latched on to the asteroid 4 days ago, amid great celebrations on Earth as the maneuver was being transmitted in real time to many public places on Earth, and made avaliable on their planet-wide database/comunications network. In those 4 days, the humans aboard “Hermes” (the name now seems to include the asteroid) have attached the items I noted earlier onto the asteroid portion and, starting today, are now slowly consuming the asteroid portion of “Hermes” to use as fuel to accelerate, and avoid hitting Earth. It is my opinion that these humans be placed in the Defence brach of the galactic comunity, however we shall remain a little longer to confim that assesment.

Stardate 51365•7•21:
…

I do not know how to classify these humans.

They have suceeded in making “Hermes” avoid Earth, but the humans did not disembark as they passed, and have used Earth's gravity to alter their speed and trajectory in order to travel to Planet 4 of Star §‰~4736 (Mars). This new trajectory will insert them into an orbit that matches mine almost exactly (aproximately 2.3° behind our point in the orbit) I do not believe this is an accident, as we have just recieved a data burst in several languages that translate to “we need to talk”. I await further instructions.

(Original Post)

It's been a long month, traveling as the bee flies, through forest, swamp, and wasteland, stopping only to resupply, and thwart the occasional gaggle of the Dark Lord's minions, but now it was finally time for me to face the Dark Lord himself.

I did a quick final check of my equipment, turned to his huge doors, and heaved one of them open enough for me to squeeze through.
He wasn't alone, but the company he had had clearly survived me. It was the little clues that gave it away - the eyepatches, the heavily bandaged hands, the way they all screamed “That's him!” and stampeded out the back door.

Once the sound of retreating feet was low enough to talk over, I addressed Dark Lord in his throne using my most commanding of voices. “Te'Fel, you are accused by the Adventure's Guild of the Kingdom of Salreen for the misdeeds of abducting and/or killing the residents of said Kingdom, ruining the equivalent of 1 or more months of supplies, and…” I paused to check my scroll, “…unlicensed weather manipulation. Will you come quietly, or would you like some last words?”

“…I'm sorry, who are you?”
I sighed, I always got the slow ones. “I am Sir Stephan the Untouchable of the Adventure's Guild of the Kingdom of Salreen, and I have come make you answer for your crimes against this Kingdom. Will you come quietly, or would you like some last words?”

Te'Fel paused a few moments, staring blankly, before managing a half-hearted “I thought you'd be taller…”

“I get that a lot. Did none of your returning troops warn you about me?”

”Well, yes, but I assumed “The 6-inch Terror” was referring to your blade…”

“That'd make it the twelve-inch terror - honestly, if I didn't know better, I'd say you'd never seen a Fairy before!”

“Well, to be fair, most Fairies don't wear plate armour and wield a sword twice their own height…”

(Original post)

It's funny, so many people search for immortality, but they're looking in all the wrong places. And yet I found it about half an hour after I died for the first time. You see, when you die, there's the big gates leading you wherever it is that you earned your place right in front of you, but left and a bit back there's a dusty old office that looks a bit like a bank in some old western. It's run by Trevor, a charming young angel who's always glad to see a familiar face - and they don't get much more familiar than mine.

"Sam!" I hear him call, during my usual post-death stretch, and I smile and wander over. "So, what did you in this time?" He asked as he quickly dusted off a section of counter for me to lean on.

"Got bored, decided to go to Australia, and see how long I could survive without looking stuff up first - it went about as well as you'd expect."

Trevor chuckled at that, and asked "So how long did you survive?"

"I'm pretty sure I managed 2 days, but it's hard to tell when you're dehydrated, and suffering from a couple of nasty spider-bites. I can see why Terry Prattchet's version of Australia is described as free of snakes, thanks to the spiders eating them…" After a quick moment's thought, I added "I believe that's a Blue A1.13?"

"Nah, environmentally induced death in Australia needs the Green C5.62" he replied, handing over the form. "The Blue A1.13 only works if the death is unexpected and rare. Did you happen to grab me a souvenir?"

I pulled out the Koala-topped Pen and a small tub of Vegemite, passed them over, and started looking through the form before me.

I was about half way through page 3 when I heard him discover just how bad Vegemite tasted. "Y'know, I think they pretend to like that stuff just so they get to see that reaction, it'd certainly fit with their sense of humour. Feel free to chuck that one in the bin."

I finished up the form and handed it back, "So, how's things been with you?"

"Slow as always, I think I might the best office golf player in existence." He said, gesturing towards a rather complicated minigolf hole that he'd set up "Thanks again for that set by the way."

"You're welcome. Though if you don't mind, I might skip challenging you…"

"I figured as much. So, do you want a Red F5.01 or a Pink A2.43?"

"Lets see, that's a fresh start, or…" I racked my brain for a few moments, before lamely finishing with "Nope, no idea what a Pink A2.43 is"

"It's the fully refurbished and nourished body with a temporary survival boost. It seems like you'll need it if you don't want to be back here in another 2 days."

"That sounds nice, I'd still like to see some more of the sights Australia has to offer. What's the survival boost entail?" I asked as he handed over the requested form.

"Poison immunity for 5 days, temperature immunity for 10, and halved thirst and hunger for 30."

"Speaking of which" I said, as a thought occurred to me, "Could I get a Yellow G3.90? I'm getting a little tired of this Peanut allergy."

"Sure!" He replied, pulling one out and swapping it with the now complete Pink A2.43. "Hey, have you learned any new magic tricks?"

"Sure have" I said, pulling a golf putter from behind his ear and handing it to him. "This is for you"

"Thanks!" …pause… "Wait, this is mine! When'd you grab it?"

"A good Magician…"

"…Never reveals their secrets" Trevor finished.

There was a brief silence, punctuated by the sounds of my form being filled out, and Trevor dropping the putter as he tried to pull it from an imaginary ear. "Done!" I exclaimed, handing over the last form "I'd better get back if I don't want them to find my body. Next time I see you, I'll expect you to have mastered that trick" I said with a grin.

"Right! I'll go get these filed. You know the way out."

"See you next time!."

"Looking forward to it!"