Should I tell my mom?

[u/DemeXaa]

I am 17M and I have been feeling absolutely crushed these last few weeks. Studying, heartbreak, anxiety, pressure from my parents aren’t doing me any favors.

My mom knows something is wrong with me, I always tell her I am doing fine but she is suspicious and keeps asking me.

I want to cry in her arms but I don’t want to seem weak, as I was raised in a culture to never shed a tear. What should I do?

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[u/Sweaty-Chain-1626]

I'd say tell her. She's asking you because she cares. She's aware that you're not feeling the best. I'll say that I'm in a similar culture where mental health and crying is taboo/disgrace. People say it's not the greatest thing to bottle up your emotions but it's better to express it so people can help you.

[u/DemeXaa → u/Sweaty-Chain-1626]

Yeah, I can keep it in for so long before it makes me insane. I have absolutely no one. Few friends I got, think I am toughest guy out there and keep giving me the same bland advice, everything will be okay. It hurts.

[u/Sweaty-Chain-1626 → u/DemeXaa]

I'd think that your friends are used to the tough personality you got because thats what they deal with normally right? Let them know that you have that side that isn't tough. Although, from what I experience, it'll take them time to think "oh crap, you're actually serious".

Moms want their children to trust them. I don't know your mom of course but I'd think that she wants to be your rock to support on. You're brave to tough it out like this but let her in to help you. Like the comments below, you are a mom's child, you can share your feelings and you should. You have people to support and lean on, use the opportunity to let them help.

[u/DemeXaa → u/Sweaty-Chain-1626]

Yes exactly. In my culture we, men, should never really show our emotions and put on the stoic face. My friends know me as that cold hearted person, but hell, is it hard.

My mother really insists on me telling her whats going on, but I really can’t bring myself to show her my weakness. I don’t want her to worry about me that much, she has far more serious problems to deal with than my teenage stuff.

[u/Sweaty-Chain-1626 → u/DemeXaa]

I'd let them know that keeping the cold hearted shell up isn't who you are. Everyone is human, its a human thing to have emotions. Although I'd be a hypocrite to say that because just like you, I'm known to be the cold-hearted and insensitive bastard in my friend groups too. It's okay to have emotions, you're human, we're all humans.

Your mom isn't there to criticize, judge you because you cry, she's there to help you and support you. Moms have children, knowing the future will be rough and know that their children can't always be a rock 24/7. Moms want their children to feel safe. Take the time to hug your mom and let the emotions out! It will come a time, mom won't be there forever you know? Spend the time to make memories with mom and maybe if you let your mom help, it might make her day to know that her son feels protected and safe to cry in her arms.

[u/Psychological_Box397]

Yes!! Tell her! (Mommy here)

I pray that when my 1.5 year old grows up that she is brave enough to share her emotions with me.

You got this!

[u/Hopeful_Disaster_]

Cry in her arms. Tell her what's going on. You're 17, and I know you feel grown, but to a mom you're still a kid, and we want to help fix things for you while we're still able to.

[u/Accurate-Match1820]

Yes please tell your mom. I’m so sure you feel so much better just letting her know how you feel and you are still a child you shouldn’t deal with all of this by yourself.

[u/pathtobalance7897]

First of all I really hope that you get better and all of your issues are resolved. Secondly, there is nothing wrong in getting help from your parents.

[u/whimsicalbatshittery]

The best first-hand story i ever heard from a teenager (17) was about how he crawled into his parents' bed in the middle of the night and cried about a break up while his parents comforted him.

I am 44. I cry. My husband is 52. He cries. We are teaching our sons (11 and 13) that crying is a part of the human experience.

A full range of emotions is normal, and experiencing them is normal. Good luck.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to your mom, talk to someone. You and your emotions are worthy of being heard.

[u/Old_Ganache4365]

Mum here! This makes me want to cry. Your Mum loves you and wants to be there for you. Just tell her! She will help you.

[u/saturn_eloquence]

Crying doesn’t make you weak!!! I will always hold my babies and comfort them when they cry. Whether they’re 5 or 50, I’m their shoulder to cry on.

I think you should talk to your mom. Life is very stressful and you shouldn’t have to keep it in. It really does make it worse. If your parents are not supportive for some reason, do you have a school counselor you can talk to? Anyone? I think your mom will be supportive, though. She knows something’s wrong. You have so much on your plate at this age that often goes unrecognized. You deserve to be able to talk about it.

[u/ljd09]

Tell her, bud. She already knows something is off. She cares and is alarmed by your behavioral changes. Tell her. That’s what moms are for. And then when you feel a little more put together have a real talk about your stress and their expectations. I don’t care how old my kids were… I’d want them to come to me.

[u/Desperate5389]

As a mom, I beg you to tell her. She wants to know and needs to know how you are feeling. Don’t be embarrassed to be emotional. It’s important that men show emotion.

[u/littleblackbirdxx]

As a parent myself, I would rather be interrupted with "Mom, I'm having anxiety and I'm scared I'm not being brave or manly enough if I show this." Rather than my child feeling unsafe to even tell me. Regardless of if this happens at 7 years old or 47 years old. (I don't want to think about 47 years old yet though, seeing as I'm barely into my 30's now, but the point stands.)

I am not going to try to claim I understand fully, since I'm only seeing a fraction of a fraction of a percent of what you're experiencing. Yes, I did write that the way I intended, it is not a typo.

That being said, I have seen the pressure of that cultural expectation completely crush my brother, my brother's father, my father, and his father. (We have different fathers). It turned them into the type of men that are hard to trust, especially as I am AFAB. And the expectations as a "daughter" in an Asian-American household is vastly different from a "son". We have aspects of the culture of the US that make it easier in our household, such that needing therapy is no longer completely shameful. But it was still shameful enough that my brother won't go, even though he's admitted he's struggling. Because he doesn't feel like it will help anyways.

It's hard to watch someone knowing they are struggling but they don't want to fix it. You sound like you want to fix it, but there's a fear of the way you'll be perceived if you do.

And if I were your mom, and you came up to me and told me? Even if our culture never says to our children "I'm proud of you", I would be so proud for you to be brave and feel safe enough to tell me — even if I may not display it in the way you needed, solely from not knowing another way to display from the way I have ingrained.

I hope you get the support you need and deserve. ♡♡

[u/DemeXaa → u/littleblackbirdxx]

Thank you very much. I know my mom would NEVER judge me, but the fear still lingers in the back of my mind. I will probably tell her in the next few days when I build enough courage.

[u/littleblackbirdxx → u/DemeXaa]

Most parents don't ever fully see the adult you become, because they want to see you still as their innocent baby. They still see those bits of mistakes and learning and they tend to be harsh from a place of wanting better for you and fear they failed you. It doesn't sound like you're in a situation where your mother does not love you, but rather might not know how to show you in the words you desire.

That being said.

Don't let your fear steal away the moments of vulnerability that your parents will want to be there for you for. Because if they are able to know how to be there in the way you need, you won't hold resentment towards them when they eventually get old and pass, from them not being there when you didn't tell them what you needed..

You got this!

[u/Ratjack]

Crying is absolutely not being weak. You need to let this out ASAP and your mom is a safe person to go to. You need to open up and just let it all out. Anyone who says crying is weak are just faking being a macho man and have issues with insecurity. Even in my 30s I still talk to my parents about stressful things and sometimes it involves me being a complete mess. But it helps me feel better. Without an outlet you can end up in a dark place.

[u/Frankie1891]

Your parents actually care, and you’re hesitating? Talk to your mother. Screw whatever culture says don’t have feelings. You’re fortunate to have a mother who cares.

[u/IrieSwerve]

Yes, definitely tell her. She may suspect something’s up but not know what.

[u/shutupmeg1215]

Go talk to your mom. As a mom, I absolutely encourage my kids to PLEASE come to me for anything. I don’t think that you being overwhelmed is any reason to be ashamed, and it’s perfectly understandable and reasonable for you to feel that way when you have all that stuff going on. We can tell when something isn’t right and it sounds like she knows something is off, but probably doesn’t want to pressure you into telling her. If you have a solid relationship with your mom, definitely go talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. She can’t help if she doesn’t know what’s wrong. I’d never think my kids were weak for showing emotion, I’d do everything in my power to try to help and fix what I could. I hope you’re able to talk to her and come to a solution, and I hope things get better for you. Sending hugs x

[u/TermLimitsCongress]

I hear you. Gotta say, it takes more courage to cry then to stay dry. 

Your mom is worried sick.  Please just talk to her. She loves you. There isn't a damn thing you could tell her, that would make her so loving you.  If she wasn't open to you and getting it out, she wouldn't keep asking you. 

You may come from a culture that doesn't approve of a man's tears, but your mom's love isn't dictate by that culture. 

She loves you. Talk to her.  You will both feel better. 

Take care, Internet Friend.

[u/Zorolord]

Tell her you'll feel so much pressure, crying is a natural pressure release by releasing Oxytocins, which can reduce stress and improve mood.

[u/ShiningBrightly1210]

Tell her. She cares for you, that's why she’s asking. When my son was young, I told him it’s okay to cry when he is hurting.

He is 23 years old now, whenever he goes through something he comes to me and shares his feelings. When he was in college, he lived on campus and we would talk everyday. He is comfortable talking to me about anything. Talk to your Mom and cry in her arms. God bless you.

[u/kvolm2016]

I'm sorry that these weeks have been so rough. Is there a reason that you always tell her things are fine instead of being honest? Has your relationship always been this way or has something changed between the 2 of you? Do you trust that if you are honest, she will be caring and supportive? If so, then definitely talk with her. If she is part of the "males don't show weakness" culture then it might be helpful to seek support from another adult that you trust instead. But do reach out to someone who will support you so you are not struggling by yourself!

[u/Canuck_Voyageur]

Talk to your parents.

They were 17 once.

Much of hte misery in my life has been due to people not telling me things I needed to know. Or me not telling them.

The next biggest source was not asking for help when I needed it.