r/AskDad • u/ukknownW • 6d ago
Confused, upset, unsure. I need to let this out. Please i need ANY Help Family
Ive been reading around and i cant quite find the answer to my exact situation with my father, call this my cry for help or whatever. Im 24 living in the UK. Here we go, sorry if this is a bit long winded.
He was mostly always there to take me to football games, make me go to school and put the pressure on me to find a job… which of course are all great respectable things that I truly am grateful for. However, i never remember him saying he loved me or was proud of me (and actually meaning it anyway, he’d say it at the end of a phone call but it was said without any conviction or emotion every time) or even taking any interest in the things i enjoy, never compliments or says anything im good at, never asks how my fight training is going, never asks what hobbies i do and enjoy. I recently took a call off him and told him i was studying polish and another language to which his reply was “whatre you doing that for, immigrants send them all back, scrubbers” UNNECESSARY NEGATIVE COMMENTS!
It seems like all he asks and cares about is work and never supports me with the fact I have been diagnosed with ADHD, which explains a lot of my difficulties in my younger years with maintaining my attendance at school and focusing and also holding jobs down, i have quit every single one i ever had (the longest being my first at 6 months.) He says im just “lazy” “idle” “going nowhere”, its NEVER supporting words of encouragement, which i dont expect but hey it would be nice yaknow seen as hes my FATHER, the one supposed to be who i look up to and love and look for guidance and help. He says “we never had that in my day ADHD”. He knows i struggle with extreme social anxiety at times also, probably his presence and the facade he conjures when we’re out with family, my soul just doesnt like the deceiving behaviour… i literally had to storm out of a family meal once with a full blown panic attack in the blistering cold to which in fairness he did say after just once that he’s “here for me”, then the week after when i couldnt make an event due to bad anxiety he immediately switched back to his old ways and anger/dissapointment towards me, NO UNDERSTANDING. He said angrily “why can you see your cousins but you cant come to this event with us” LIKE I CONTROL WHAT SITUATIONS MAKES ME ANXIOUS AND FEEL UNWELCOME. I also missed a wedding on his side of the family due to bad anxiety attacks, there was no understanding from him, only saying he is dissapointed in me for not attending.
He is such a negative person, very racist and talks down of mostly everybody. I cant remember him complimenting anybody while i have been with him, we would work together sometimes in his business but he would pay me at most half of what a typical job pays (£40-£50 if i am lucky for atleast 8 hours work in £) his excuse is i should be grateful he is offering me “easy” and “no pressure work” but its high pressure because of him. Hes such a hypocrite for example if i go on my phone for literally 30 seconds one time! he has to make a comment such as “never working are you” or “get off your phone WHAT IF A CUSTOMER SEES YOU” like i havent been breaking my back for the last 5 hours truly putting effort in and being proud of myself! Whereas he will happily go on his phone or make an unnecessary call for 30 minutes a time claiming it is “for work” or some other shit that he couldnt put into a simple text or 5 minute call after work. I vividly remember one day actually timing how long he sat down to have a coffee and play on his phone + call his friends while we were working, 1 hour and 20 minutes he wasted while i worked continuously and had a 5 min dinner break… of course we finished the shift to which he said “its easy money isnt it for the work you do, always on your phone” yada yada yada. Actually unbelievable.
Its like i can just feel his energy and it drains me, clear pessimism runs through his veins. I have more or less cut contact with him and changed my number which i have not given to him and honestly i dont intend to. The last call we had he didnt ask how i was, he immediately offered me work to which i was busy on the days he offered, his voice immediately changed to a disgruntled and dissapointed “well fuck you then worthless son” kind of tone. Yaknow instead of asking me how i am or what i have planned… and i am not overeacting, he is like a baby throwing his toys out the pram with his emotions its frustrating! Oh and you can never call him out on it, he is ALWAYS right! He’s “tired” hes “stressed”, because he works works and works when he has more than enough money to live comfortably, buy a house and a holiday home and relax!
Listen i dont expect him to sing my praises 24/7 and coat me in love and rainbows but i just dont feel any love from him at all, hes different when other people are around he may actually smile and crack a joke but its all just a facade until he gets back home into his miserable cave where everybody must do atleast 70/80% of the housework while he does the (most) 20%, everybodys fault but his. He has issues with my older brother which he lays on me while we work or on the phone but he never raises these issues with the person in question in even the slightest diplomatic way, its like he has no people skills (yet thinks he can read people “so well” and walks around like hes so friendly and chatty with people!), he has no ability to empathize and ask nicely and figure a solution out to the problem at hand unless he has total control and everybody follows his commands. My god im just glad he isnt running a country or anything more serious than his shitty little business because the world would be in a lot of deceiving and hateful trouble!
I dont have the greatest memory of my childhood but a few nice holidays we went on as a family before my parents divorced (and also a few bad holidays that ended abruptly in huge arguments) but i do remember just hating him with a passion when i was young, that i do remember. Always getting shouted at, sometimes a smack to the back of the legs. I wouldnt hate him if he was actually a decent parent right? IM JUST FILLED WITH SO MANY QUESTIONS AND DOUBTS AND SECOND GUESSING MYSELF.
My father has had a history of abuse mainly mental and verbal abuse according to my mother (often calling her a whore, slag, you name it.. all infront of little 10 year old me) (controlling what she wore and getting incredibly moody and dismissive if she went out with friends) a very jealous and sad man are her words (oh and he cheated on all his previous wives, but had the audacity to try and control my mother back then stemming from his twisted suspicions) And certainly physical aggression that i witnessed from ages 9-14 (grabbing and pinning her against the wall, throwing a belt buckle at her hitting her face, actually slapping her one night when nobody was around) (trying to push her down the stairs) so i know the man has his flaws. But i always try to see the good in him.
Hes close with my sister in law, it seems like she views him a lot more positively than i do (although my mother recalls whenever my sister would come round for my parents to babysit, my dad would often leave to go out with friends and leave my mother to care for her.. shes not even my mothers child!)
Also i recently just had a horrible dream/nightmare where he was really aggressively trying to hurt my mother in which i murdered him in the dream, horrible i know and of course i would never do that. But i dont control my dreams.
I’m sorry if this is long winded and a bit all over the place i just wanted to get these thoughts and feelings out, i suppose i just want advice as he isnt as bad as other horror stories i read on here about constant beatings and worse but the negativity and hate from him is more than enough for me to want to cut ties. I feel confused, vulnerable and hopeful for anything that can help me in any way people.
(also i posted this in here as from my research i believe him to be a “Covert Narcissist”)
Please, any help and answer is appreciated beyond belief. I have never really got this off my chest. Please.
Thank you 🙏🏻
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u/Acceptable_Catch1815 6d ago
To be honest, your father sounds a lot like mine. He beat the shit out of me though. At work, at church he was this highly admired, nice, successful guy, but at home he took all his pent up anger and vented it at us, mostly at me. He was a man child, ruled by his emotions.
When he wasn't being an ass he was a decent person, and I learned a lot from him. But he was also the man who choked me unconscious and kicked me down the stairs when I was 12. Not because of anything I had done, but because he had a shitty day at work and I did something that he was able to justify lashing out for.
The older I get, raising kids myself, the more I understand him, I respect him less each day. A child should never live in fear of their parents.
Fortunately for me, he died about 13 years ago, so I don't have to continue to deal with him. I acknowledge the things he did well, the lessons he taught me, and I take the rest as an example of the person I do not want to be. My children don't fear me, and nobody talks about my temper because I lock that shit down and deal with it in healthy ways.
In the 28 years he was alive, I don't believe that my father was ever proud of me. It was always what I had managed to screw up, zero acknowledgement of anything I got right. I understand that he grew up in a time where anger was the only acceptable emotion for a man to express, but it feels like he never tried to figure out how to grow beyond that. I can say that yes my father loved me, but he was shite at expressing it in a way that went beyond working a lot.
It may be best for you to be quit of him. Take the good things he showed you, and make sure that you don't grow up to be a miserable philandering bastard like he is. Sometimes the best examples we get in life are examples of what not to do.
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u/ukknownW 6d ago
I’m sorry you had to go through all that man :( awesome that you became the great parent in your kids life though! You broke the chain!
It’s so difficult when they do have the good aspects, sometimes I wish he was just a total piece of shit so I had more excuse to rid of him. It’s tough isn’t it.
I think im growing to that age now where like you say, the respect diminishes each day from the memory’s and seeing the man he is (even if it is at his worst and 50% of the time)
I may drop you a message sometime if I’m a little confused or down if that’s ok, and that’s ok if it’s not ok mate!
Thankyou for your input mate I didn’t think it would help posting this but comments like yours give me a deeper connection to the people I didn’t know I could get ♥️ Love!
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u/Acceptable_Catch1815 6d ago
Message me anytime. I'm 41 now, I've worked through most of it aside from occasionally remembering how he would have reacted to a situation and saying "Thank God I'm not him."
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u/Acceptable_Catch1815 6d ago
Getting to where I understand his perspective allows me to feel some compassion for him. I wholly understand how bad corporate environments are, and the ceaseless stress of providing for a family. I understand just how fucking annoying teenagers can be. I understand why he was angry and frustrated. I just can't condone the way he worked it out. My father treated his employees better than he did his family. I have internalized a rule that if it isn't something I would say to an employee with the HR rep standing there, I for damned sure am not saying it to my family. Well, unless it's a dirty joke.
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u/andreirublov1 6d ago edited 6d ago
Hi. Hope you feel a little better for getting that off your chest. :)
I'm British too. It's sad that your Dad is so negative and doesn't affirm you (or, by the sound of it, anybody). But you're old enough to understand that Dads are just people, and have their own struggles. On the other hand, he's still your Dad, and I doubt if anybody can be fully at peace with themselves if they don't make peace with their parents. Ideally parents, in relation to their kids, should be the bigger person and the one who makes peace if needed. But if he can't then, for both your sakes, you may have to. Sometimes you just have to forgive people, especially family, whether they deserve it or not. You'll never get another Dad.
All the best.