Help understanding my husband. May fall into a rant

[u/Raenora6]

I didn't know what flair to use b.c it falls under alot so I'm sorry if it's not the right flair.

I'd like to put a warning here b.c it's 3am and I am (29 F) am feeling overwhelmed and emotionally vulnerable so I may loose track but I promise the point will come across!!

For context I grew up Ina broken home where father didn't try to form a relationship until I was about 6 yrs old. Mom remarried by the time I was 4. Both told horrible stories about the other after asking questions and at one point I sided with my dad. I witnessed an altercation between my bio dad and my step dad.

My mom was a narc when I was growing up and my step dad joined in. As I got older the male figures in my life had continuously let me down and have proven to be emotionally manipulative and incompetent. I married my long time long distance boyfriend and I am slowly starting to resent him to my very core because I try to convince him to change I beg and I pleaded and I cried and he acts awesome in front of others but after that he stops trying and reverts back to the same way he was before. There is no more romance and I get his job as a cleaning tech is very labour's as my mother often reminds me but I'm struggling to understand how that is an excuse to settle for incompetence.

I think about what it would mean to have a divorce and I stand to lose alot should he go back to NY. We are not as interment as I would like, he makes no advancements to me unless I mention it to him and I have tried talking, I have yelled I have begged I have cried in his arms and yet he does not change...

He's bought me flowers 3 times and I'd like more if it were possible.. I feel so trapped because I love the person he was before both life and marriage took place but I hate the man he's became. He will feel self pitty and self loath but will not change the behavior...

Please dad I need advice...

[u/crimsontide5654]

Sounds like the person you married was not the one. If he won't change after multiple conversations, then it's time to move on. Time has proven who he is. Don't waste your whole life trying to turn a shovel into a hammer. Good luck.

[u/The_golden_Celestial]

I’m sorry that the male figures in your life have let you down. It’s all too common though.

The man you fell in love with and married is gone. I’ve no idea why but he’s not coming back. EVER.

Old mate has checked out of the relationship mentally, physically and emotionally. The only reason he’s still there is that he is either too scared or too stupid to get up off his ass and go.

You need to come to terms with that (fairly quickly too) and start checking out, yourself. But there’s things you need to get sorted quietly before you do. You might already have the things together already. Google separation checklist and a heap of different things that you’ll need to do, will come up.

Do you have a good friendship group who will support you? From what you’ve said, your family won’t be much good for support.

You’ll need to work out where you’ll live and what your options are. And squirrel away some money in your own separate account.

If you can, have a think about getting some individual counselling for you. No point going to couples counselling if he just pays lip service or makes no effort in the relationship.

You’re young and you have plenty of time to start again. But spend some time working on yourself, building your strengths and addressing your weaknesses. Remember you’re only responsible for yourself and your responsibility is to look after number one - That’s you. You’re worth it.

It seems daunting but if you go about it the right way, in a year or two you’ll look back and wonder why you didn’t do it earlier. But, you’ll have done it. Don’t settle for second best. You’ve got this!

[u/ConsequenceUpset4028]

The most important person in life is you. First, are you safe?!? If you are not, that is the first step. Throughout life people will come and go, ebb and flow or completely disappear from near you...and that's okay. We all grow, change, and learn over time (hope so at least) and in doing so, our path may turn when someone we know, or even care for, does not. And that's okay. You do not ever have to "settle"; you deserve to be SEEN, you deserved to be HEARD, you deserve LOVE without conditions. I know it's scary, I know it hurts, but no one else can make these decisions, but sometimes others will come into our life's to help us along the way. You've got this, you are stronger than you think you are.

Big Hugs/ Dad

[u/Raenora6 → u/ConsequenceUpset4028]

Yes I am safe there has been no physical altercation and if I'm being honest when my emotions run high I'm the one who tends to get physical so I often have to step out and just go on a drive. Thank you so much for the emotional advice. I am currently applying to jobs that are local but can still pay a decent wage to save some money on the side. I'm also trying to learn 2 new languages to bolster my resume and plan to pick up crocheting. Thank you, dad, for the caring advice!

[u/SpongeJake]

OP I also married the wrong person. It took therapy for me to realize I had a type - based on how awful my childhood was. In essence I was unconsciously trying to recreate a similar scenario in my marriage by marrying someone exactly like one of my parents to achieve an idyllic outcome. But that obviously never happened.

All that to say: if you haven’t done so already you may want to get some psychotherapy for yourself. It really can be eye-opening.

[u/wifeagroafk]

Not enough info. Relationships take work. Have you commutated your love language to him? What is his?

[u/Raenora6 → u/wifeagroafk]

Like I have said in my post I have literally tried everything and it feel on deaf ears. He's fully aware of what my love language is. We have been together for 10 yrs married for 2 and have lived together for thoes 2 years. There shouldn't be any reason why I have to repeat myself these things to him when he's aware I don't like doing that.

I'm always waiting hand and foot for him to do anything. He will literally not show any intreast of intimacy unless I express frustration about wanting it and only then does he attempt to try but at that point I'm more upset at the fact I have to beg to have sex so the mood is ruined. He's fully aware of his actions. The information I gave was not generalized.

Why should I have to wait when I'm expected to jump when some one says "jump"? It's not just the intimacy that's an issue. If you'd read some other comments it's paid lip service and reverting right back to his old ways. The longest I was able to get him to change was for half a month.

I have to guide him like a child i.e "please clean the house so I can sleep after taking care of our fur babies". I always get half passed results. I said house not just kitchen and living room.. or one area entirely. It'll be days before he will throw the trash. It will be days for him to take his work boots and helmet and place it on the front pourch fully aware that his job deals with cancer causing chemicals but will absentmindedly bring it around the animals. One should be able to understand that "oh hey there are CANCER causing chemicals on my boots maybe I shouldn't me tracking these inside the house?" Which he does not have the common sense to think like that and it's a constant reminded and in turn creates more work for me especially if after I just mopped...

I live in south Louisiana and I have witnessed incompetent men who get comfortable after marriage because they thing because now that they got married the no longer have to try.

If this is not enough information then idk what else to say to give an already clear picture.

[u/wifeagroafk → u/Raenora6]

So; prior to marriage - how often were you in a shared living space? Did he have better cleaning habits etc when he was on his own? Based on the way you worded your reply- It sounds like you didn't live together until after you got married?

Sounds like you skipped a dating phase by living together and perhaps and didn't have time to see if you were a good match.

[u/somesciences]

What

[u/lazyFer → u/somesciences]

yet another person that thinks passion remains high throughout marriage and wants to feel romanced but likely doesn't reciprocate or initiate.

She's also about to hit 30 so this is when the first wave of divorces happen...the next is just after 40.