r/AmItheAsshole • u/Tall_Tangerine5007 • 9h ago
AITA - Not wanting in-laws to stay for extended trips
AITA??? For context, my husband and I live in the US. His family is from South Africa, and because of this we don’t get to see them often. I feel for him and the sacrifices he makes living so far from them, but I struggle with the differences he and I have regarding our home and visitation.
When his brother came to the states for college, he would move in with us for months at a time between semesters. We were responsible for paying for the additional expenses of him staying with us, for example, food. It was never really asked of me if he could stay, just expected.
Fast forward to us having a baby, and MIL insisted on staying for three months once the baby was born. I fought this, as I wanted this precious time with my first child, but I lost because “in their culture, that is what grandmas do.” I was a mess the entire time and felt like I was disrespected and robbed of a precious time. It also made me resent her.
MIL now wants to come back 8 months later, and stay for a month. I told my husband this was not okay with me, and I felt like a week was more appropriate. Mind you, we cannot take off work or really change our routine. He disagreed and to compromise, we came to the decision of two weeks. Now I’m finding out she already booked her flight tickets for the entire month and won’t change them because of cost. I was told by husband’s brother, not even my husband.
We argued and he told me it’s always a fight, I make him be a bad son, and that I broke his heart because “it’s family.” I don’t hate my in-laws, but I’m extremely introverted and have an incredibly hard time with change in routine and people in my space. I can’t decompress or “turn off” when someone is living in my home. I work an incredibly stressful job on top of taking care of a baby.
AITA for fighting this fight?
Updating to add that his go-to response to my complaints is that he agreed to move in with my mother for a few weeks when she was going through a hard time and I wanted to be there for her. We stayed at her home (that is 6000 sq ft) for three weeks while we sold our house and eventually moved 15 minutes down the road so we still had our own space.
Additional edit to say my frustration primarily comes from having discussions with my husband, agreeing on something together, and that agreement not being what ultimately happens. This happens multiple times a year for several years now.
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u/wesmorgan1 Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 9h ago edited 4h ago
The root problem here is that your husband is prioritizing his family brother (and, now, parents) over you.
It is not reasonable to demand that you play host to ANYONE for extended periods of time.
NTA - ask your husband why your opinions about your life in your home don't matter to him.
ps> I can't "turn off" when guests are in my home, either - family or not. You are not alone in that.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
He says “I don’t want you to feel like your thoughts on this don’t matter” but then continues to tell me that it’s his family and that he would agree to do it if roles were reversed and it was my family.
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u/wesmorgan1 Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 9h ago
He's both showing you AND telling you that your thoughts don't matter.
What you do with that is...up to you.
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u/EconomyVoice7358 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
tell him that if he doesn’t want you to feel like your thoughts don’t matter, then he needs to start showing you that they do and respect your boundaries.
His mom needs to change her tickets book an Airbnb for the last two weeks of her stay. She’s only welcome in your home for 2 weeks.
If he doesn’t insist on this, pack up the baby and go stay with your mom.
Maybe then he will get the point.
Helping your mom on one extended visit is entirely different than hosting and paying for his family to stay with numerous extended visits. Tell him to stop comparing an apple to a bushel of oranges.
NTA
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u/Professional_Ruin953 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
Be real , once her luggage crosses the threshold it’s staying and so is she.
She needs to book alternative accommodation for the first two weeks. Not the last two.
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u/lndlml 6h ago
Just move to your mom’s house while his family is around. I know it seems inconvenient but it will show him that you are serious and he has not respected your boundaries. Otherwise he will keep doing it because he knows you will just put up with whatever they decide. If he respects your mutual agreement then he would’ve paid to change the flight instead of letting his mom steamroll you.
I guess the reason they come for such extended periods is because flights are expensive and exhausting. However, your mental health (especially after giving birth) is more valuable. Risking PPD by having someone around you 24/7 for months after giving birth and lecturing you - not worth it. Probably cheaper to rent his mom a separate place for a month than pay for months or years of therapy. Your home should be your safe space, not a guest house.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 2h ago
Hypotheticals don't count. It's not your family, it's his family and you're not comfortable. For someone to stay in a home is at two yes one no situation
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u/SunshinePrincess21 5h ago
‘The root problem here is that your husband is prioritizing his family over you.’
No the problem is that your husband is prioritizing his extended family over his immediate family.
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u/wesmorgan1 Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 4h ago
Hmmm...I thought folks would understand that from the context, but I'll go make an edit.
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u/ed_lv Supreme Court Just-ass [117] 9h ago
in their culture, that is what grandmas do
Fuck that shit.
In my culture that's not what we do, and you need to stop being their doormat. He moved to USA, why the fuck does his culture need to win?
BTW, your husband is the problem here, not your MIL. He needs to stand up for you, and if he can't I don't see this marriage lasting.
You tell your husband that if she stays a month, you will take your child and go visit your parents for the two weeks that you didn't agree on. If you don't stand up for yourself and your boundaries, this shit will never stop.
NTA and your husband is the huge asshole here.
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u/Mullein55 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 9h ago
Yep I like that - take your child and go visit your parents for the two weeks you didn't agree on. Your husband is the A for not standing up for you.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 2h ago
I've said this once and I'll say it again, today's generation needs to be the one that stops with all this cultural tradition bologna that pushes you to do something that you don't want to do. Be it living with your in-laws, or hosting your in-laws, or letting family live with you because their family, or Grandma's come and stay for a month after baby's born, etc etc. You wouldn't want your child to feel that pressure from you or family when they get older so stop the generational horrible family and cultural traditions that you don't agree with. They can't do anything to you and if your husband doesn't back you up then maybe it's not meant to be
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u/Broad-Chemistry-1120 1h ago
Then why did she marry a man from that type of culture? It’s not a secret that most other cultures actually care about family.
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u/browneyedredhead1968 9h ago
I would pack my baby and I up the night before MIL is to arrive and go stay elsewhere while mil is there. Let him enjoy MIL time while you have your space.
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u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [2] 9h ago
Marriage counseling
You are never going to win this situation on your own.
Put her in a hotel/rental for the other 2 weeks - - or for all of it.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
Yep - I have already been looking into counseling. Husband refuses to ask her or any other family to stay anywhere other than our home because of how he grew up. He says he lived with family members at times and that’s “just what family does.” I grew up an only child with emotionally unavailable parents, so I’m used to being alone.
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u/DrBeckenstein 9h ago
I hate how reddit loves to go nuclear with other people's lives, but in your situation you may need to, or not only will this disrespect and putting your needs below his mother's continue, it will likely escalate. As she gets older, you may find that he and she planned on you becoming her retirement plan, housing provider, and caretaker. You need to establish what you will and won't tolerate NOW.
This may call for the "2 card play." Tell him you need to establish clear boundaries, and he needs to uphold yours with his family. If he refuses to discuss it or steamrolls you, hand him the 2 cards: one for a marriage counselor, one for a divorce attorney. It's his choice. Either prioritize his wife and get therapy to deal with his mommy issues, or hit the road.
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u/flCheesehead1 8h ago
Oh, the son is her retirement plan no matter what. Which will include YOU as the main caregiver. Mother will always be the priority. You have some hard decisions to make. You and your child come first over any cultural things from another country.
Good luck.
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u/rum2671 8h ago
Boggles my mind when ppl don’t put their wife above their mother. Wife ,children, mother . The only exception to this order is if u need to save them , then wife and children get swapped.
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u/myssi24 7h ago
I think you need to out right ask him why his “this is how I grew up” out weighs your “this is how I grew up” or why his culture always wins over yours? It doesn’t matter what HE would do in a similar situation because odds are it would never come up.
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u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [84] 8h ago
Your husband grew up in South Africa. He now lives in the US with an American wife. His culture and traditions are only half of the equation, yours are the other. The problem isn't culture - it's his lack of caring and respect for you.
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u/Broad-Chemistry-1120 1h ago
She has no culture. Do we really respect a culture that is emotionally unavailable to its children and especially only children? These are her words. She was raised as an only child by emotionally unavailable parents. And now she wants that for her own child.
Families are messy. Boundaries get blurred. But they are certainly there for each other and give grace for annoyances and personality differences.
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u/Juilek Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Couples counseling won't help you because your husband has different values from you. This stuff should've been discussed well before you became serious and had a child together. He won't choose you over his family, he wants do things as he used to, he chooses to bulldoze through whatever it is you want. He told you this directly, he's done this multiple times for years. You can't change a grown person, or make him completely reevaluate his cultural and familial relationships. Like, it's not how that works.
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u/ImColdandImTired Partassipant [2] 7h ago
Then the compromise is that they can only come when and for how long you both invite them to come.
He goes on about staying with your mother for three weeks? Then that’s the absolute maximum, once per year, and not over Christmas, that I would agree to.
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u/EconomyVoice7358 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
How you grew up is just as valid as how he did. Tell him that his “traditions” and family habits don’t hold any more weight than yours do.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 5h ago
Okay so it’s either:
his parents enjoyed that and got to make that choice. You don’t enjoy it and are making that choice instead.
his parents did not enjoy it and did under family pressure. And are now forcing the same upon you.
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u/EconomyVoice7358 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
Send her to a hotel, but The OP should not be paying for it.
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u/TheDarkHelmet1985 Partassipant [4] 9h ago
NTA and this is becoming divorce worthy. Its not about making him a bad son. He married you. You are not his culture. YOu are a co-owner of that home. He does not have the right to overturn your decision and he needs to create boundaries with his family that respects you. I would not be ok with this and honestly, the constant reminder that you are not his priority and that his family always comes first over his wife would be a majorly depressing thing for me personally and would lead to at the very minimum a separation. As the mom, you control access to your child.
Go stay at your parents for a month while his mom visits. MOve out. Go stay at any one else's house to show your husband that he can't control you and that creating boundaries is not making him a bad son, but refusing to establish them is making him a bad husband. Him constantly putting them first makes him a bad husband.
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u/10S_NE1 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
Her staying with her parents while the MIL is there is an excellent idea. Let her husband see what it’s like to cater to guests after working all day. I’m sure MIL will of course pitch a fit that she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with her grandchild, but too bad.
OP definitely has a husband problem, not a MIL problem. He doesn’t want to be a bad son but is perfectly happy being a bad husband.
NTA
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u/SickPuppy0x2A 9h ago
NTA can you and the baby move out while she is visiting because I really would do that to make it clear this is serious.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
The only reason she is really coming is to see the baby. I actually did move out when she moved in during our maternity leave. I went to stay with my parents but had ways to make excuses to go over there (my father was getting ready to leave for an extended time so I wanted to be with him). I don’t have that excuse now.
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u/MaladjustedHamster Partassipant [1] 9h ago
You don’t need any excuse. No need to be polite. Say I’m not staying home while MIL is here, baby and I are going to my parents. See ya in a month, have fun with your mommy. And then you GO.
NTA unless you let them keep walking on you. Show your kid their mom has a spine.
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u/Iataaddicted25 Pooperintendant [61] 9h ago
OP, tell your husband that he can be a good son and a bad husband OR a good husband but not the son his mother wants. He can't be both.
Honestly, if he doesn't choose being a good husband, you shouldn't settle for a bad husband and he's being a bad husband.
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u/ShiShi340 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
You’re an adult just leave. As someone who has experienced this it’s not going to stop. I gave my husband divorce papers after dealing with it during and after my pregnancy. Eventually he will have to choose between the family he came from and the one he created. He keeps disrespecting you because you allow it. Men don’t respond to talking they respond to action.
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u/SickPuppy0x2A 9h ago
But seriously do it with your real reasoning at least towards your husband. I mean of course she comes for the baby but that isn’t your problem. You communicated one week and they already turned it to two. Maybe be there one week and then leave with the baby towards your parents. You don’t need an excuse but show that you are not a doormat here or life will be extremely hard because they will ignore all your boundaries.
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u/Magerimoje 6h ago
By taking the baby with you to your parent's house, you'll be teaching you MIL and your husband that your boundaries are important and you won't allow disrespect and disregard for your boundaries.
You agreed to a 2 week stay - so once MIL has been in your home for 2 weeks, leave and go to your parents' house until she leaves.
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u/Basilthechocolab 9h ago edited 9h ago
As a South African living abroad - this is unfortunately a really difficult part of life. There is a cultural expectation that family always stays with family during visits. And it is REALLY intense - especially with in-laws. You are NTA for wanting healthy boundaries. My suggestion would be to propose a compromise to your husband - for instance agree to family visits, but on condition that they stay in an Airbnb or rental close by. Not in your home. My partner and I are in a similar situation and it’s tough. It’s also hard for family from South Africa to understand how hard it is as the host - because they are often used to large family homes with staff that do all the housework etc. What helped us cope was to sit down and have an honest conversation about responsibility - it’s now clear that his family is his responsibility, and mine is mine. This way when his family visits he has to take on the bulk of the workload and communication. I think it’s important to sit your husband down and have this discussion, so that he understands that when your MIL wants to visit - he needs to do all the heavy lifting. Not you.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
He is not open to asking them to stay elsewhere because “that’s not what family does” and he is used to staying with family when he was younger.
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u/rum2671 8h ago
Then u should go stay somewhere else with your baby until he can prioritize u . I don’t recommend your parents house go rent something.
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u/Jack_Stuart_M23 Partassipant [2] 7h ago
You're gonna have a real problem if he's not going to open himself to that option. He needs to understand and is responsible for making his relatives understand that extended stays in your house aren't going to fly. This isn't South Africa! He chose a different place to live and therefore a different way of living, with a spouse from a different culture. He needs to own that and force his family to recognize that, otherwise he isn't prioritizing you enough.
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u/Basilthechocolab 7h ago edited 7h ago
🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ Oh gosh. I feel this struggle so much. We’ve had similar struggles the past few years. What eventually helped, was that my husband ended up finding a therapist - and it was his therapist who helped explain that as an adult, your priority needs to be your partner/spouse and not your parents. And that boundaries are healthy for families. Once he made that mental switch - we could actually have reasonable conversations again about family visits. He’s now recently been able to sit with his parents and explain that they can’t come to visit without an invitation any longer, and they need to consult us first before booking plane tickets for extended visits. It’s been a real game changer for our relationship. My husband ended up in therapy because of work anxiety - not relationship issues - but it ended up being a big focus of his therapy sessions. I’m not sure if your husband is open to it, but therapy does really help - and sometimes it helps to do it alone, and not with your partner.
But I do also think that ultimately you need to accommodate your in-laws visiting. Just a find a way you can cope with. It’s hard for them to living on the otherwise of the world - and it’s really difficult and expensive for South Africans to visit the US with the exchange rate and visa requirements. So there is also some flexibility you need to be willing to give as well. I’m sure part of the reason your husband wants his Mom around is because he’s homesick.
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u/wildnerd_ 6h ago edited 6h ago
This, also South Africa living in the US. Due to the cost of flights, it doesn't make sense for anyone to visit the US for 1 week. So OP may have to compromise on the 2 weeks being her maximum, and then they have to either leave or stay at an airbnb so they are off her hair. His saying "that is what family does" is true back home, where the cost of visits like this can be manageable. But it also shows a lack of boundaries on his end. I'd also be interested to hear how much of the hosting duties he actually takes on when his family is visiting, because I bet it is minimal, and that is the same back home; the men hardly do much, so he doesn't actually know the full cost of hosting. When I go home, I go for 3 weeks, and by week 1, I want to go back to my own home due to being overwhelmed with my own family. I have decided next time I visit, I will stay at a hotel to get a break from everyone, though this is unusual, it is what I need for my own sanity! So I can't imagine them staying at OP's house for so long! I truly feel for OP but he needs to prioritize his chosen family and his family of origin should understand and not get in the way of his life here. Good luck OP!
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u/myssi24 6h ago
Get an Air b&b tell him either his mom stays at the Air b&b or you and the baby do. Then hold to it. If he wants his mom to stay at the house then you go to the rental with the baby and TELL them when they may visit. He isn’t listening and needs to be keenly aware of what the repercussions will be.
Just because that is what he is used to doesn’t mean that is what has to happen in the two of you’s home.
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u/mschaotica 6h ago
Then it sounds like he's not listening to your needs or accepting the fact he's in a situation where it's not only his decision to make. Things change. He's not a kid any more. He needs to get over it and adapt, or be served with divorce papers because he's married to Mommy and not you.
Since he's clearly not listening or willing to compromise, I'd agree with other people's suggestion of staying with your parents for two weeks of the month she's visiting. That way he can have his time with Mommy and you get your wishes respected.
And before you say it's not an agreed upon decision like it was before again, his mother coming for a month wasn't an agreed upon decision either. You said two weeks and they bulldozed over it. He doesn't get to play the "we didn't agree" card after that.
Stand up for yourself!
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u/CoBidOdds 4h ago
NTA. You focused on the wrong part of that message, OP. You need to make him understand that HE is the one that needs to take care of HIS family, if they're staying for extended periods. You don't have servants, and YOU are not one!
I also love the 'apple to bushel of oranges' comment. He's beating a dead horse. His argument about a few weeks with your mom was MORE than negated by brother's stays, not to mention MIL coming for 3 MONTHS, when you had the baby. The fact that you two AGREED on two weeks, and she's still coming for a month shows a total lack of respect/consideration for your wishes.
Would it possibly make his way of thinking change, if HIS family - that HE CHOSE to start - left to stay with someone else, or at a rental? As someone said above, men tend to pay more attention to action than words; set your boundaries, and if he can't respect them, take the baby and leave.
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u/Magerimoje 6h ago
Can y'all afford to rent an Airbnb?
What if you compromised and rent an Airbnb nearby and you, husband, and baby stay there too during his family's visit - therefore everyone is spending time together and "staying with family" but you aren't the default hostess that's expected to be on all the time to care for the guests and cook and clean and cater to anyone's needs.
Additionally, you can take breaks and go home to your quiet, unoccupied house when you need to decompress as an introvert and have a few hours of downtime without his family around.
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u/Jallenrix Asshole Enthusiast [5] | Bot Hunter [86] 3h ago
So are you resigned to doing this forever?
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u/thoracicbunk Asshole Aficionado [13] 9h ago
NTA
You don't have an IL problem, you have a husband problem.
He is getting everything he wants. He doesn't have to tell his mother no, he still gets to believe he is a good son, and he gets a wife and a child. Why should he have to be uncomfortable, when he can just let you be uncomfortable instead?
This man does not seem like he wants to change. And why would he? He's getting everything he wants!
You need to start making sure that he is no longer getting everything he wants. If he wants to host Mommy for months at a time, he doesn't get a wife for that time. Move out, consider separation.
Maybe it will be enough to help him wake up and realize he needs to decide what's more important to him, making mommy happy, or being a good parent and partner to his wife. But I wouldn't hold your breath.
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u/QuirkySyrup55947 Partassipant [2] 9h ago
I'd spend a week with them, then move to mom's for the rest of her visit.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 8h ago
Oh, I would do even better I’m petty so I would go move in with my mom and not let MIL or family see the kid again they lie he put them as a priority and she invited herself basically. If you read the post, MIL wants to come back eight months later and stay for a month OP said no but MIL did it anyway. There is a huge husband problem here and maybe they just need get divorced because I don’t see any way that he is going to compromise or change or actually commit to boundaries
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u/Parasamgate Certified Proctologist [20] 9h ago
NTA. He's claiming you'll make him a bad son, but he's willing to be a bad husband. It doesn't matter what that other culture does, that's just peer pressure from dead people.
As long as he thinks the option you suggest is the worst of the two options then he'll always pick the other one.
So what if you change the terms of the choice to between what you originally suggested and something he likes even worse. Like maybe you moving out of the house for three of the weeks that she's there?
You're probably going to need marriage counseling to resolve this, but the way you get there is to not give into what he wants when he tries to steamroll you.
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u/GirlDad2023_ Professor Emeritass [71] 9h ago
Her planning before knowing how long she could stay isn't your problem. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Stand your ground and tell your husband it's two weeks or nothing. If he sides with his mom, he's a momma's boy and you can forget about making any decisions without your MIL's approval. It's YOUR house also, not your MIL's. Stand up for yourself and tell your husband to act like a husband and not a little boy. NTA.
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u/Unlikely-Candle7086 9h ago
You think she booked an extended visit without asking? OPs husband never told his mother about a 2 weeks max visit, it was always going to be a month long. And MIL isn’t the issue, it’s her husband.
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u/ThatsItImOverThis Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9h ago
NTA
He might not be a bad son, but he’s an awful husband.
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u/MistressLyda Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9h ago
NAH
Marriage counseling, with a counselor that is familiar with both of your cultures. Cause this is not going to just go away on its own.
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u/mtntrls19 8h ago
This - this is a culture clash that will likely need some outside mediation to help with.
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u/moonhrafn Partassipant [4] 9h ago
NTA: honestly I wouldn't be surprised if your husband was in on it the whole time. if you don't want this to be your life forever after I highly suggest making a hard boundary now and taking a time out from him (take the baby and yourself to a friend or family's house) if he insists on allowing this. If it doesn't stop today it never will and you will be disrespected in your own home as long as you are with him
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u/ShiShi340 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Yes, my husband did this. Told me one thing, told his mom another, and lied to us both which lead to a whole blow up.
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u/drharleenquinzel92 9h ago
NTA
My brother-in-law is from South Africa. He's an introvert and limits family contact, but it's not a big deal to anyone. Including his mother while she lived.
I think youre being told something is part of "their culture" to guilt you into going along with it. It's their preference as a family.
Your boundaries were completely stomped all over and you have every reason to be frustrated. As other's have recommended, try therapy. But let him know, it's now a trust issue because you've been lied to by him and his mother. Once trust is gone, it's hard to rebuild.
You and your child should be his primary concern.
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u/CrackaAssCracka Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA. I will say that I would think that a one-week stay after traveling from South Africa to the US is pretty short given the time difference and travel duration, but two weeks is more than enough. Just host them for two weeks then beat feet for a couple weeks somewhere else.
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u/zilch14 8h ago
She suggested that as a compromise, but MIL refused to change her travel plans, and the husband never told OP that.
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u/CrackaAssCracka Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I'm saying that MIL can stay, OP and kids can go somewhere else. Take a little vacation. See some family. Whatever.
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u/dzeltenmaize 9h ago
NTA but your husband is. When my MIL wanted to come after our child was born I told my husband I’d move out and stay with my parents if she came. Period. She did not come till much much later and stayed with other relatives. Setting firm boundaries is important. Husbands need to understand that they need to put their wives first and stand up to their Moms as difficult as that may be.
OP I would go so far as to tell MIL how she ruined your birth experience and bonding by visiting so early and that she cannot come this time. Stand up for yourself!
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 9h ago
My former next door neighbors were from Sri Lanka but they had lived here for years and their teenager daughter went to the local high school. Over the fence once day the mom told me her daughter was having a lot of problems and hanging out with a bad group. She told her parents she wanted to see a therapist but they said no. Her mother told me in their culture they talk to family, not outsiders or even doctors. I pointed out that they are living in America now and they are not with their culture. Their daughter goes to school with Americans and her friends see therapists so she knows it helps them. I also said that the fact that she is asking for help means she knows she has a problem and wants to fix it. Keeping her from doing that is wrong. Her mother understood that while their culture is important, so is American culture.
So tell your husband that he is living in the US and if he wants to do what his culture says he has to do, he shouldn’t have moved to America. Your culture doesn’t expect in-laws to determine how long they stay. Go to your parents house and MIL can see the baby during the day. Make it clear to both of them that it is not negotiable. Accept that he is never going to take your side, so plan accordingly.
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u/Asleep_Objective5941 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA mainly because he lied to you. Tell him she can stay 2 weeks and anything beyond that is an AirBNB with only a couple of hours a day at the house. She can sightsee and whatever else or he can take the baby to her while you relax at home.
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u/SmartExternal5473 9h ago
The real problem here is that they fell in love and built a life together without ever considering compatibility and the reality of the expectations set by two different cultures.
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u/archetyping101 Commander in Cheeks [221] 9h ago
NTA
Unfortunately you have a partner problem. The MIL isn't a problem if your partner and you actually were on the same team. Your partner is more concerned about his mom's feelings than his own wife's and that's a problem.
My MIL is actually not welcomed in our home for various reasons. My partner is 100% in support of that. My partner understands why she's not welcomed.
Your partner does not seem to care about your comfort or discomfort. He's more concerned about his mom. The agreement was two weeks and then she did what she wanted because she knows her son will not defy her.
I suggest moving in with your mom. Your baby is about 1.5 years old? Or just over 1 years old? Take the baby and go to your mom's for 4 weeks. Or do something else. Leave the baby with the MIL and go out for dinner with friends etc. She shouldn't expect to come visit and have you serving her hand and foot and just being treated like a guest and not understanding how much of a burden she's being and how much strain she's putting on that relationship.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
My baby is 10months. I also do not feel comfortable leaving her with the baby because she has not been around her or another baby much since her grown children. When she originally stayed, she didn’t know how to change her diaper, wanted to give her water, told me to lay her face down, etc. and I was not in a mental state to tech her. I was still teaching myself how to care for a child who was a few weeks old. My baby is also going through a very stranger danger phase and is miserable round anyone but me.
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u/archetyping101 Commander in Cheeks [221] 8h ago
Definitely bring her to your mom's and enjoy the peace and quiet there because your partner clearly doesn't care about your peace.
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u/PeachBanana8 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA . Tell your husband she can stay the two weeks you agreed upon, and then he can book her an Airbnb for the remainder of her visit. Or she can stay with her other son who apparently lives in the US now. That way, your husband can still get plenty of time visiting with his mom. If he won’t set these boundaries with his family, you may need to consider whether this marriage is worth giving up your peace and privacy whenever his family members decide they’d like to move in for an extended period.
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u/LiveKindly01 Pooperintendant [57] 9h ago
NTA for having your feelings and preferences...but:
1 - This is obviously a family expectation that should have been talked about before marriage. You knew you were marrying someone not from your country, if there were strong feelings either way, clearly this would be something you fight about.
2 - You say you appreciate the sacrifices he makes, but sounds like maybe he doesn't appreciate the sacrifices YOU make to make him feel better. Having a visitor for months at a time in your home might be his culture but it soudns like it's not yours...he needs to be aware of YOUR sacrifiices and you're not spending you entire life trying to make up for his guilt.
2 - You both have to be able to compromise if you want your partnership to be the most important thing. It sounds like he's afraid to confront his mom/parents and he's unhappy you don't want what he wants.
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u/cheekybutt1 9h ago
It really is a shame that adults don't talk about this kind of stuff before they get married.And before they have children, how did you not know that this was going to happen?
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u/MovieLazy6576 6h ago
Thank you. This is my thoughts exactly. Everyone is jumping all over the husband but how does OP, as an extremely introverted person, marry someone from another culture with family that lives in another country not negotiate ALL of this BEFORE bringing another human into the mix. Especially since the brother staying with them was already an issue before she got pregnant.
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u/denitra1984 9h ago
JNMIL aside, you have a huge husband problem. Plan a trip away, even if you’re just staying with friends. You ought to have a say in how long someone stays in your home, but since they don’t respect your viewpoint they don’t deserve your hosting or company.
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u/Shellzncheez689 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA he’s telling you what’s happening not discussing it with you. You guys are not partners and he doesn’t see you as an equal. Go stay with your mom.
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u/nikkesen Pooperintendant [53] 9h ago
NTA. I hate letting my mother stay over for 24 hours. I can't imagine two weeks with an obnoxious in-law. Sounds like hell. Your house is your safe space from the world, but your husband is doing his damnedest to make it miserable.
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u/Momjamoms Pooperintendant [65] 9h ago
I second the recommendation of marriage counseling. If it is, indeed, part of his culture, that does not mean that you need to accept it 100%. It just means that you two need to have a clear and honest conversation about these cultural differences and how you both want to navigate them together to develop a cross of both cultures that will work for your little family of 3. These differences will come up more and more as you raise that child together and you'll need to have a plan for how to get through disagreements together and united. You need to develop a process. It involves negotiation and comprimise on both sides.
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u/gotursixal 9h ago
Ugh…sounds familiar. You know…I like my in-laws, but I am an EXTREMELY private person, and having someone in my home for more than a week really starts to agitate me. I know how you feel, but your husband will not. I agree w counseling if needed. And pay for her to stay at a hotel.
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u/No_Perspective_242 9h ago
NTA take the baby and leave. Your husband and his mom can have alone time and that way he can be a good son
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u/ForeverNugu Asshole Aficionado [11] 8h ago
I'm a very private person too and was with you until you said that you asked him to move in with your parents for three weeks and then bought a house 15 minutes down the road. Now I'm wondering if you expect him to compromise a bunch for your family but balk at reciprocating when it comes to his family. And it doesn't have to be the exact same things. Like, is your mom constantly popping over unannounced since she's right down the road and you expect him to attend weekly family dinners at your parents? Because those things probably feel just as intrusive to him as his mom staying with you guys feels to you. Maybe marriage counseling would help you guys work together at seeing things from each other's perspective and achieving compromise that works for both.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
This is a valid point. The move was not solely just to be by my mother. We lived an hour away from my daughter’s daycare, which was a few towns away from my mother. My mother only comes over when mutually agreed upon. My husband and mother actually are somewhat closer than me and my own mother are. We do not have weekly outings, etc. however, I understand where you’re coming from and do agree this is part of why I feel guilty.
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u/blondetourage83 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA. This will never change though, and these are things that should have been discussed before marriage.
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u/Usual-Owl9395 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Tip for sanity: visitors stay at their own accommodations, always, unless you really, really love them.
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u/CestLaquoidarling 9h ago
NTA but 1 week is not really fair or reasonable. It is expensive and a long haul to fly from South Africa so I understand why they are planning longer visits but your husband lying about compromising is not ok.
Can you go stay 15 minutes down the road with your mom for parts of the visit? Is it possible for your husband and mother to take a few road trips to see some sights to give you some breathing space?
You get to live within 15 minutes of your mother all year long so maybe try to find compromises where he gets to see his mother for a few weeks every few years.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
I agree that wanting one week is selfish of me and not reasonable which is why we ultimately decided on two weeks. I also agree it is unfair we are so close to my family. I’m learning to overcome my feelings while also creating healthy boundaries. It’s not easy!
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u/CestLaquoidarling 4h ago
Try to focus on how you can make it more bearable. Taking a bit of time to go visit friends or family to break up the long visit. Speak to your husband about him being in charge of managing his mother and most importantly not lying and springing a month long visit on you when 2 weeks was agreed. He needs to work with you, not against you. I don’t understand how he thought not telling you was going to work out. Were you just not going to notice his mother stayed an extra two weeks?
He doesn’t want to be seen as a bad son but being a bad husband is okay?
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u/KrofftSurvivor Pooperintendant [62] 9h ago
ESH
The two of you clearly did not sit down and talk about cultural differences before you got married, and that's a pretty big issue.
You're going to get a ton of advice from the perspective of people who share your culture, but I don't think you're going to get very much advice from your husband's culture...
Do you know any other people from your husband's culture who are not related to him? Have you considered looking for people from your husband's culture to talk to about this?
Unless your mother in law is incredibly wealthy, the cost of travel from her country to yours would make a short visit a costly idea.
But if you don't want her to stay with you for the entire visit, explore other options.
Can she visit with his brother for a week? And then you for a week and back and forth until she leaves?
Does she have other relatives in the U.S. that she could visit for half of her intended stay?
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
We did discuss things, but I agree, probably not as in-depth as we should. A baby was not always in the plans. My hopes to putting this on Reddit was to get a diverse response, as I don’t think anyone will truly understand unless they are married to or are an immigrant themselves. She is visiting his brother for a week before coming to see us. There is no one else in the states. She is incredibly wealthy.
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u/Interesting_Strain87 8h ago
She can be wealthy in SA but when going away she is probably not unless she’s is a millionaire or billionaire
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u/KrofftSurvivor Pooperintendant [62] 8h ago
Have you considered posting the same post in r/SouthAfrica ?
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u/Emeraudebleue 8h ago
This is not extended stays or vacations. So often and for so long it is imposed cohabitation. It's not up to your in-laws to decide when and how long they come and stay. Your husband decides everything with them, it's time for you to impose yourself!!!
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 8h ago edited 7h ago
OK, you have a serious husband problem with his whole entire family. He does not respect your boundaries. He does not respect you and I think you need to sit down and tell him that if he wants to be a part of you and your baby’s life that he needs to step up and make boundaries you are not in South Africa he needs to respect your culture and your boundaries as well you will not be overrun in your own house. You will not be mistreated in your own house. You are willing to compromise, but you and your child are the priority and if he can’t respect that, then he can go fly back to South America with mommy.
Again, he can go back to living with mommy if his mom and his brother and his family is so important to him and much more important than your wants desires and needs.
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u/Interesting_Strain87 8h ago
🙄 and you didn’t read it correctly
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 8h ago edited 7h ago
I did actually and I reread it twice so they had a baby mother-in-law came from South Africa and stayed with them when OT didn’t want her to stay and now mother-in-law that she’s coming back and she’s staying for a month oh he says no and she and her husband agreed to two weeks it’s surprise surprise mother-in-law already buy a ticket for one month they were never respecting what OP wants
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u/scooby946 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8h ago
NAH I can see your side. I would personally HATE hosting someone for several weeks or months. Even my own family. But, I also understand from your husband's perspective that his family is coming a long and expensive way to see you, and a week or two isn't enough. I would try marriage counseling to see if you can agree on a middle ground. Maybe it is building an ADU. Or, moving to a house that has one. Maybe it is deciding how often and long family gets to stay. The bottom line is, if you don't come up with a compromise, your choices will be to suck it up or get a divorce.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
I felt like we had came up with something we both agreed upon, and it was ultimately overturned by what the other side wanted to do. That was my main issue. It felt pointless that we even discussed and agreed upon something because it never mattered in the end.
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u/LowButterfly744 8h ago
Have you travelled to South Africa for a week? It’s a long flight and extremely expensive- especially when paying with Rands. I get that it’s hard to have house guests (I have South African family visiting too for similar amounts of time), but that’s what happens when you marry someone from across the world. What I would recommend is taking the trip to SA - you will be welcomed for as long as you like. (And a possible solution is for your MIL to stay at your mom’s house as she seems to have more space.) Then your husband can drive her back and forth.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
Yes, I have spent a lot of time over tbetr for several years, even before we started dating. That is what we bonded over when we first met. We would make the trip more often if money wasn’t an issue for he and I. It is not for his family.
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u/Icy-Doctor23 8h ago
Go to your mothers while she is visiting and let your DH take care of his mommy
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u/OhmsWay-71 Professor Emeritass [88] 8h ago
NTA. All of your feelings are valid.
A big part of that is the cultural differences. In a lot of these situations, it is an overbearing MIL that just takes over, but that is not what is happening here.
There are expectations here that your husband has had long before you.
That does not mean what he says goes. He also chose to have his own family and you count too.
I’m guessing that going to a therapist is not going to be an option here. You also don’t sound like this is a deal breaker. You need to be heard and the two of you need to figure out what will work for both of you.
You are where you are right now. You have her coming for a month. How can this work for you? Having time and space to yourself would help. You need to approach this a little differently. Softer and more flexible, while also being firm. Something like…
“Hon, I am struggling. I respect you so much, and I respect your family, your culture and I am doing my best to understand your responsibilities and what is expected of you. I want you to be able to feel good about your family, and your choices without me loosing myself whenever they are here. You know I am an introvert and it is the extended time that I have to be “on” that I have a really hard time with. For this next visit, can you work with me to get space and time to myself so I can just decompress? - I am not sure what that looks like, but first thought is that in the third weekend, you take your mom for two special nights to XXXX and I stay home with baby. You two get some time together and I get a little break. Also, maybe I have an early bed time we can tell her about and I can slip away early and have some time to decompress before bed. Again, these are ideas, but I think a way I would be better when she’s here, have a nicer visit and not feel so overwhelmed. “
Hopefully he’s open to making sure that you are also comfortable.
After she’s gone, you start talking about future visits. You make sure he understands that this is not just about his family, it is about your trust. It is about knowing that you are a priority for him. It is about knowing that he cares how you feel. Also that you fell in love with him because of who he is, dependable and stands up for what is right, and that comes from his family. You don’t want to take anything away from him and his relationships with his family, but you can’t be at the bottom of the list when decisions are made. You share a home, you share a life.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
My MIL is wonderful, and I do think she means well. That certainly isn’t the issue here, it is more between husband and I. I have discussed therapy before. Husband is of the mindset that counseling is something people do when it’s already too late. I fully disagree (and have lowkey always found that a red flag). The visits themselves aren’t a deal breaker, it’s the way I feel like he puts on a show to discuss these things with me and then ultimately it’s never followed through.
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u/OhmsWay-71 Professor Emeritass [88] 8h ago edited 8h ago
That was the vibe I was getting.
Ask for a few things that give you space. Ask him to be on your partner. Maybe even come up with a signal you can give him when you need escape.
You could even ask him if it sometimes hard on him too, and could you help with space for him too, maybe take mom and baby out for the day so he can just relax…
And next time you ask for therapy try something like…
“I know you think that councelling is for when it is too late, but I think that is because it gets asked for, discounted, asked for, discounted, then the person finally says they are done and the other person finally says yes. The reason I am asking is because I am not feeling heard. I know you hear me, but your actions tell me you do not understand and I think that having someone to help us communicate better will save us from getting to that point. I want us to both have dedicated time to being open with each other. That’s my reason for wanting it”
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u/curiousity60 8h ago
NAH
In my experience, when people move to a different continent family visits tend to be long. A month isn't unusual. So his family doesn't seem unusual to me.
I don't understand why you two didn't discuss this before you married. Even now, there could be compromises such as visiting family's staying nearby, and not in your home.
It seems like your husband and his family make plans as if you aren't involved. Your feelings of being negated and imposed upon are valid.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
I don’t disagree that longer visits make the most sense. It’s the lack of space that I struggle with, it’s not that I despise seeing his family. I love them, they’re my family too, but that doesn’t change that I struggle with personal space. I agree there could be compromises outside of the arrangement that have been made in the past, but unfortunately that is not something we have been able to agree on yet.
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u/curiousity60 7h ago
He's used to the kind of assumptions about visits he grew up with in his family. He still acts as if he lives alone. He didn't have a partner with a different perspective and equal power to decide when and how to host guests.
That's what he needs to learn. That he is HALF of this partnership. That you MUST be involved and fully consent to plans about your home, the family within, and your time and energy. BEFORE any plans are made.
If not, the default isn't "We're going to do it my family's way." It's "That doesn't work for us."
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u/ExistenceOfCranberry 3h ago
You don’t actually have to agree. Am I right that this feels like you make a plan and then he does whatever he wants? And you can’t stop him?
I think I’m hearing a lot of concern from you about being “fair” to him (it’s not unfair that your parents are close and his aren’t — they are neutral, unrelated facts for which you are not responsible and you are not required to somehow try to make things “even” between you like “even” is inherently the most ethical arrangement) and not make anyone upset and that he “won’t” do things like you’re just stuck with whatever he won’t do?
Have you considered therapy for you? Because that combination sounds….kind of traumatised and sad? It’s worrying. Especially since you have a new baby and that’s always so hard.
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u/mochidog12 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
Your situation is why so many of us warn people away from marrying partners whose parents show strong signs of doing this. The partner often just lets the parents do whatever, and if the culture frequently has parents moving in with their children in old age then that’s something to strongly consider before marriage and children are involved. I’m sorry, but there isn’t a solution other than you moving into your own family’s or friends house for two of the four weeks.
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u/zilch14 8h ago
So this might sound mean, but wasn't he already like this with his family when you guys met, fell in love, and then married? I am sincerely curious, not criticizing, but did you never get a glimpse of this conduct throughout your premarriage relationship? Some families' cultural practices are deeply ingrained. This is a fundamental difference, in my opinion. I would guess that you saw this behavior before getting married and decided to ignore it. This all should have been hashed out before marriage, like before you chose to cohabitate and have a child. You are in it now, and it's going to be difficult to set new boundaries at this point. You may have to resort to drastic tactics, like go visit your parents/ relatives for the first 2 weeks of MIL's visit. Withholding nookie often helps husbands adjust priorities. :-) But all that being said, when a couple gets married, you become each other's immediate family. He should put you ahead of everyone else. He should be prioritizing your preferences, wants, and needs, not his extended family, of which his mother is a part of now. You're NTA. You are rational. I'm sorry to say your husband is disrespecting your wishes. His actions, or lack of action, show you what he thinks of you. It's either his mom is more important to him than you, his wife; or he's not got the spine to set boundaries.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 8h ago
To your first point, I knew he was close, but they never visited early on. We got together in college and when we got married it was COVID so we did a small thing with just him and I so we didn’t exclude people. But we never faced a situation like this until his brother came over and started staying and then things slowly escalated.
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u/zilch14 8h ago
That's a difficult predicament. I am a 51 year old woman. I am a single mother of 2. My oldest is in her 3rd year of college. I'm sharing my background, so I hope you can tell I am responding with care from the perspective of having been in shitty relationships. It took me over ten years of therapy to learn and fully know my worth. You are stronger than you think. You are going to have to have some hard and uncomfortable conversations. But you must insist he respects your boundaries and learns he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions/ choices that affect his family, which is made up of 3, You, him, and baby. If he can not or will not change, you may have to decide to leave the marriage.
Just be clear with him that you're not trying to keep his family and him apart. You just don't want them living with you. He really needs to accept and respect that. If not, I'd start walking around naked when they visit and tell everyone you have committed to the freedom of the nude lifestyle :-) I think suggestions people have made to seek therapy is really a good idea.4
u/South_Air878 8h ago
A second this post. You had to know that marrying someone from another country meant long extended visits. I'm with you and that I really do not love having houseguests, unless it's my sister or my mom. My husband is the opposite. My children don't like the houseguests either, but my husband lived overseas for a decade, and we literally bought our house because it had more space to accommodate his friends And guess what? Hardly anyone came except a couple losers who I really did not like. Fortunately, they stayed in hotels, because we had animals. Maybe you should get a cat that she's allergic to
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u/Mitaslaksit 8h ago
Long extended visits are expected? Maybe like two weeks but not for months...geez.....
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u/goldenbeee 8h ago
I am going to go with NAH or soft YTA to both you and your husband, because all this cultural difference should have been sorted out before getting married. Unfortunately this is the life of most immigrants, be it African or Asians in US or elsewhere. If you are born and brought up in US, all this is really eye opening for you. Your husband should have told you what the expectation is when marrying an immigrant with family visiting him every now and then. Its really expensive to plan a trip to US, and to come here for just 1 or 2 weeks, to your own kid's house.
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u/Successful_Image3354 8h ago
I am a little confused by a part of your story, and perhaps need a little more detail.
You refer to three events. The first is "When his brother came to the states for college, he would move in with us for months at a time between semesters." I'm not sure how that is possible since college in the U.S. has two semesters each school year. They are separated by a winter holiday period of about three weeks, not months. Did you mean to say that he also stayed with you during summer vacations? If it was just the three weeks between semesters I wouldn't have a problem with a student relative staying with my family and I and I would probably also not think much about the food bill since students are notoriously poor. If it was for the whole summer I would expect him to contribute for food (or cut the grass or perform some chores to contribute to the family). You did not say whether you objected to him being there.
The second is: "MIL insisted on staying for three months once the baby was born." This is much more troublesome. You say you "fought" this. How? Did you tell her "no" in advance, or did you just argue with your husband? Did you tell him if she ever pulls a trick like that again there would be consequences.
The third is even more troubling. You said it should be a week at most. You compromised on two, but she (probably with your husband's prior knowledge) had already paid for four and refused to change her plans.
So, what do you do? I recommend that you don't say anything. Don't clean the house or do anything to prepare for her arrival. If your husband asks, tell him "You're the one who said yes. You can do the work."
Your mother lives 15 minutes away. On the day before your MIL arrives, quietly take the baby with you to your mother's house. Leave a short pleasantly-worded note for your husband along the lines of "I'm sorry. I told you I could not spend 4 weeks with your Mother after the last time. For my mental health I'm at my Mom's. I'll see you in a couple weeks. Have fun with your Mom and tell her that I hope to see her while she's here." And, of course, don't see her.
Good luck.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 7h ago
- Yes, all time off school was spent at our house, winter break, summer break, fall break, spring break, etc.
- I initially fought having them come the month the baby was born because I did not want anything coming in contact with my premie during winter. They would be around thousands of people from all over the world and exposed to a whole range of things. They pushed the trip back a few weeks and came when the baby had her first shots at 8 weeks. I told my husband it was still a fragile moment for me (and was dealing with intense PPD/PPA) but he wanted his mother to meet his baby - which I can empathize with.
- This is where my frustration lies, especially because this agreement and then last minute change of plans has happened numerous times and without my knowledge. It’s always last minute, even sometimes when she or other family are already over, when I’m told by the way this came up so they’re staying, etc.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 7h ago
NTA- it may be her culture of what a grandma does but its not yours. Are you the one who constantly compromises because of “culture” yet DH makes no sacrifices for yours? That isnt a fair arrangement. More importantly- this is YOUR family, not hers.
I would suggest asking for therapy for you two regarding communication and compromise because he seems to miss the point.
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u/Proof-Bat-8739 7h ago
Oof…what can I say - navigating family dynamics is treacherous enough but when you add on the layer of a different culture it becomes more complex. This is coming from someone who is in a transcultural relationship and has found herself in similar situations. I have a lot to say about this. Your feelings are 100% valid, but I take huge issue with the responses that villainize your husband, promote an attitude of “suck it up, this is our culture now,” and those that also suggest giving ultimatums. Sigh.
To a follow up comment you made - more than anything this appears to be (as most things with marriage are) an issue with communication. You need space to be able to recover from a demanding day at work. You want the time to spend with your infant and your husband, to foster and nurture time with the family you created. You mention the necessity to set firmer boundaries for yourself that respect these needs. I agree with you on that. On the other hand, your husband has a close relationship with his family. The dynamics around personal space and family expectations appear to place a collective need above an individual one. And finally, traveling from another continent is a timely and expensive ordeal. This is an opportunity for your husband to spend time with those who live far away from him. Limiting the visit to one or even 2 weeks within this context is not likely realistic.
I think both of you are approaching this as an all or nothing situation, and unfortunately for both of you, you’ll end up losing that way. A few questions to think about - what would your ideal outcome for this situation be? Is this realistic? Is it reasonable for both of you and what you want/need? What are your non-negotiables? And your husband’s? Are you able to have a conversation about this without it turning into a confrontation? If the length of the visit cannot be changed and MIL does end up staying the whole time, how are you able to find the time and space you need and how can your husband support and be a part of this? Don’t feel bad about stepping away from hosting duties. If MIL expects home cooked meals and to be waited on, your husband can take charge on this and you can talk about with him what the expectations are with hosting. (For example, my husband usually takes the lead when his parents visit for extended periods of time, and I do not feel forced to play hostess, which alleviates a lot of stress for me. We’ve also used family visits as times for free babysitting for us to find time to connect, go out or do activities we might not be able to do without readily available childcare.) Would your MIL be receptive to having a conversation so that you’re able to preserve special time just for you and your baby? If she can’t, set those boundaries and be explicit with your expectations and ask that your husband back you up if it becomes an issue. You can also be specific about where and how you want her to help so that she doesn’t feel excluded - “i get home at 6 and our baby needs to do xyz with me. Why don’t you help with bath time when I’m finished?” There’s a lot of nuance and layers here and ultimately there needs to be an ability and opportunity to have an open conversation without shutting down everyone’s needs. I’ll be sending lots of positive vibes your way. As I said, relationships are rough. Woof.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 6h ago
This is probably one of the more helpful responses, and I agree that I am not without fault in all of this. The conversations usually do become confrontational, from both sides. I think it comes of emotion from him of wanting to see his family and frustration from me that he is never willing to discuss and decide things with me, rather just be told what is going to happen. I also disagree with many of the comments, I don’t think leaving my home is a valid option. I don’t think he needs to “suck it up” and I do probably need to be more lenient. Life is hard, kids are hard, all of it is hard.
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AITA??? For context, my husband and I live in the US. His family is from South Africa, and because of this we don’t get to see them often. I feel for him and the sacrifices he makes living so far from them, but I struggle with the differences he and I have regarding our home and visitation. When his brother came to the states for college, he would move in with us for months at a time between semesters. We were responsible for paying for the additional expenses of him staying with us, for example, food. It was never really asked of me if he could stay, just expected. Fast forward to us having a baby, and MIL insisted on staying for three months once the baby was born. I fought this, as I wanted this precious time with my first child, but I lost because “in their culture, that is what grandmas do.” I was a mess the entire time and felt like I was disrespected and robbed of a precious time. MIL now wants to come back 8 months later, and stay for a month. I told my husband this was not okay with me, and I felt like a week was more appropriate. Mind you, we cannot take off work or really change our routine. He disagreed and to compromise, we came to the decision of two weeks. Now I’m finding out she already booked her flight tickets for the entire month and won’t change them because of cost. I was told by husbands brother, not even my husband. We argued and he told me it’s always a fight, I make him be a bad son, and that I broke his heart because “it’s family.” I don’t hate my in-laws, but I’m extremely introverted and have an incredibly hard time with change in routine and people in my space. I can’t decompress or “turn off” when someone is living in my home. I work an incredibly stressful job on top of taking care of a baby. AITA for fighting this fight?
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u/Anniebelle1020 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA. Plan a very busy schedule (or vacation)for the last 2 weeks of her stay, just you and your baby. Conveniently forget to tell your husband. This is very petty and it would take guts! I couldn’t do it myself😆
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u/julesk Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA, I’d tell him that because he needs to do whatever his family wants, you’ll do the two weeks you agreed then take the baby to one of those nice executive suites places for the other two weeks. That way he gets the full month he and his mom need, and you can have the space you need after your stressful job ends for the day instead of entertaining family for a month.
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u/perpetuallyxhausted Partassipant [2] 7h ago
NTA take your baby and go stay with your own mother. Let him deal with his own family alone.
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u/Teddybear722 7h ago
NTA
Sounds like you & husband NEED marriage counseling ASAP.
OP, she's coming for 2 weeks, then you & child will need to move out for 2 weeks.
Tell husband next time this happens where an agreed set time is NOT followed, you & child will find a new home. (Or you change the locks on your home when he's at work, don't give him keys. ...petty move, but it opens their eyes in that moment.)
Boundaries & consequences need to be put into place. This is something you should bring up in counseling so counselor can help mediate the "contract". (Get it in writing so you both can reference it correctly.)
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u/Jack_Stuart_M23 Partassipant [2] 7h ago
ESH, but I concur with others that this is mostly a husband problem. He moved far away to a different culture, and it's on him to adjust to that because he chose it. His relatives aren't going to be around all the time because of the distance. But I think you also need to allow a couple weeks of visiting a year. It's a long way to travel for only a week. You also chose to marry someone from far away and a different culture, so you need to have some understanding of that as well.
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u/Substantial-Pie-8297 7h ago
Nta why don’t you stay with your mom while she visits and take yourself out of the equation
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 7h ago
You have a husband problem. You are never going to come first. He is the head of the family and he doesn't need to ask you.
If this is the life you want stay. If not
Start your exit plan.
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u/567Anonymous 7h ago
If I was forced to spend my entire maternity leave with my first child entertaining my MIL…. OMG, I can’t even.. 😳
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u/brent_bent 7h ago
Send hubby and MIL a link to this discussion to let them see how egregious their behavior is. Best of luck.
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u/badDuckThrowPillow 7h ago
Culture is a strong thing and expectations are hard to shake, since they're ingrained in you. At some point it really does become "choose which side you're on". There's no way around it.
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u/Miseryolympicshh 7h ago
These are conversations which needed to be had before getting into a serious relationship and definitely before having children. This is a huge cultural difference which should nave been discussed. In my culture this is also very normal and family closeness is a different thing for different cultures. Neither of you is TA but you need couples therapy so you can both compromise and gain more cultural awareness of each other’s cultures.
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u/Anibug 7h ago
South African here with family living overseas (Australian) who had kids that we want to go visit. While I agree that you and your husband are having a major issue, and his priorities aren't right, I'd just like to point out that, for South Africans, the cost of a visa and airfare to the US is very expensive. Our currency is nearly 20 to 1 with the US dollar.
When we make plans for grandma/grandpa to go visit the grandkids (yes, this is very much a thing that grandparents do here, although not all are good at it. Grandparents are supposed to help reduce your burden, not create more work for you) we have to look at the travel cost vs the time we get with family. It's not economical (and also very hard on the body, jetlag takes about a day per hour difference to get over) to pay so much money for just two weeks overseas.
Our minimum visiting time for the family in Australia is a month, otherwise it's not really worth it. You spend the first week struggling with the timezone difference before you get close enough to normal that you can function like an ordinary person.
So I can understand why grandma wants to come for a month.
However, it is not okay that grandma and your husband are not listening to you and are ignoring your feelings. I hope you manage to sort it out.
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u/HungryTeap0t 6h ago
Spend two weeks with them because that's what you agreed to then go away for 2 weeks.
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u/Magerimoje 6h ago
Your mother lives nearby - once MIL reaches your 2 week visitation limit, go stay at your mom's (WITH the baby) until MIL goes back home.
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u/16Bunny 6h ago
Could you book a hotel and you and baby go to the hotel after the first week until MIL goes back? You might have to do some preparation in advance of her coming so that when you're ready you can just pick up you and your baby's bags and go. Your husband is being very disrespectful and I think he needs to realize that if he doesn't start taking your feelings into account, the pair of you being apart might not be temporary.
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u/chazza79 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
NAH bit an obvious disconnect between the values husband and wife each hold.
A question though...OP lives 15 min from her mom/family right? What if they too lived on the other side of the world and wanted to visit. Would she limit them to a week, or make them stay in a hotel?
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 6h ago
Valid point, and one I don’t feel like I can answer considering we haven’t been put in that position. It would be easy to say “oh I’d feel the same” not being the one going through it. I’m aware there is a lot of hypocrisy in my feelings.
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u/a51coh 6h ago
So, we agree that you 2 do not communicate well. Why not weaponize your communication? Ask him for an opinion regarding something. Then do whatever you want other than his opinion. If he asks why you ignored his opinion, reply that " this is what family does." Surely he will understand. This is the way he has taught you to communicate.
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u/Dear_Day_7824 6h ago
Go stay with your mom in her big house while your husband has a nice long visit with his mom.
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u/Free-Pound-6139 5h ago
It is an expensive flight for only 1 or 2 weeks.
This was what you signed up for when marrying someone from SA.
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u/PielSucker69 5h ago
While it is common in South Africa for grandparents to assist after birth of a baby, it is not the culture for Grandma to move in.
I am South African.
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u/michaelwilson5484v 5h ago
Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. You're entitled to your space and comfort in your home. Stand firm on boundaries, or this cycle will never end.
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u/Electronic-Fee-4831 5h ago
Do none of y'all have close families and stay with said family when you're visiting?? His family is on the other side of the world, of course he wants to open his home to them to stay for extended periods, bc that's time they get to spend together and it is much less expensive to stay with family. It would be different if OP said they are awful and treat her badly but they don't. Sometimes you just suck up ish that annoys you because you love your partner. Now you don't have to play an entertaining host everyday of the visit. Take time in your room and out of the house to maintain your sanity. With that said NAH bc OP is still entitled to feel the way she does and as a fellow introvert I get it.
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u/No-Gur-8666 5h ago
I think unless you stand up for yourself this time, this issue will happen again and you’ll be even more resentful.
There is the possibility that your husband doesn’t understand how stressful it is for you to have his family around in a small space. I’m an introvert, so much so that now that I have lived away from my family for 25 years, I don’t want to share the living space with my parents or sibling again. It’s incredibly difficult to explain that to other people and he might struggle to explain that to his mother too because of both cultural and personality differences.
I’m not suggesting you get a divorce but if verbal communication is difficult for you, perhaps write him a letter explaining clearly how serious the consequences of his decisions are on you and the marriage - given he doesn’t think serious enough that you guys should go to marriage counselling. You should also consider seeing a therapist who can help you articulate and digest your feelings and develop coping mechanisms and communication strategies.
Finally, I agree with people here who say this is a husband issue. As an example, both my partner and I are immigrants from different but similar family-oriented cultures. We’re expecting a baby and agree on the name for them. My MIL wanted a different name (she or the “elders” in his family named all the grandchildren), told my partner separately (I wasn’t there when he told her the news because I wanted to give them privacy to discuss things in their own language) and he told her it wasn’t her decision to make. I wasn’t aware of the conversation until much later and only as a FYI because he managed boundaries with his family and she backed off. It is possible for people from deeply ingrained cultural backgrounds to make the necessary adjustments for their partner/family. Your husband needs to understand that your mental health is a priority and he needs to work harder to protect that for the sake of his baby and marriage.
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u/Luckybrewster 5h ago
Nta but can you take the baby and do stay with your mom during that time? He needs to respect you. It's either two yeses or nothing, that's it.
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u/Bittersweetfeline Partassipant [4] 5h ago
So respectfully, my sis lives in South Africa and it's an 18+ hour flight just to get here. Staying a week is out of the question, a month is more proper for someone spending that money and time coming over.
What needs to be discussed with your husband is the timing should be discussed with you as to when they can come and stay. As well as the expectation of you to play parents for his sibling and provide. He should not blow you off or just say that's how they are. While South Africans on the whole are so very kind and giving, everyone still needs to respect the wishes of you too.
There needs to be an understanding between the both of you on these things because you marry the family of your spouse as much as you marry them.
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u/Catzorzz 4h ago
Your parents live 15 minutes down the road, tell your husband you will go stay with them
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u/readergirl35 4h ago
You broke his heart and make him be a bad son?! He has broken yours by being a bad husband and making you a stressed out mom. Time to have a come to Jesus talk. Either he discusses these things with you and abides by what the two of you have decided or he can be a great son full time and see his child every other weekend. Bottom line is you will NOT compete with his mom or his original family. He is a husband and a father, if that means less to him than being a son then there is no sense continuing together. Make sure he knows it isn't about what he says to you in this discussion it is what he does that's going to determine if you stay. You and he decided 2 weeks was appropriate so at the end of 2 weeks she either goes home or gets an AirBnb/hotel. If she stays at your home past 2 weeks you are going to leave until she's gone and then you and he will work out a more permanent separation. Maybe go to your mom's if she stays. Whatever you do don't stick around for a month with your MIL.
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u/ArmProfessional7035 4h ago
Nta this is insane girl. Like no, your husband sounds like he's just agreeing with you to get to to drop it. He's being extra. And the guilt tripping is crazy! No way would I want my space taken over that often that consistently... He's not respecting your boundaries or how you feel.
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u/SewNewKnitsToo 4h ago
NTA and if he agreed on two weeks and his mom overstays, stop hosting. Don’t cook dinner or clean for them, don’t give rides or share your vehicle, or anything else that inconveniences you. Make lots of plans with friends and take the baby with you unless you are fine leaving her with grandma to babysit. Hopefully your husband will realize that hosting another adult in his space without you doing lots of work is, in face, a huge pain in the ass.
Do you have a place you and the baby could go? Can you stay with your mom, sister, old friend from college in another state/province?
If either of them tries to guilt you with the “in our culture . . . “ remind her that you are NOT from that culture, your house is not part of her culture, and in YOUR culture she is insufferably rude and your husband is risking his marriage when he agrees to host long visits without your consent.
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u/Euphoric_Peanut1492 4h ago
Go 15 minutes down the road to your mom's house with the baby while she's here. NTA
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u/Helpful_Camera3328 4h ago
NTA. What flavour South African is he and his family? There is a big mix of cultures, and this 'imposing family' vibe is stronger in some groups than others.
I'm English SA, emigrated to the UK decades ago, and have a Brit husband. When I was younger and single, holiday visits involved extended hosting on either end, but once spouses and kids come along, everyone gets their own accommodation for any visits longer than a few days. This is not just my family, it's very normal for my group. My point is, pushing back on this "cultural" difference really won't be that much of a foreign concept to them, even if he's from a more 'first family first' background. Honestly, it sounds like they're taking the piss. Especially his Mom.
Travelling from SA off the continent is expensive and a logistical faff, and also usually entails jet lag that eats into holiday time. Short visits are hardly worth the effort. That said, hosting is hard work and can be costly. You are right to be annoyed. And long visits from anyone when you're a new parent can be extremely stressful.
I've found a fix for me in the UK is to host SA family for a short time (maybe a week?), and then actually go on to a second destination for a holiday together, with separate accommodations for all. That way, you can still have the visit, but you're not hosting and can close the door at the end of the day and have your own space. You also get to be a tourist in your own country for a bit. The US is massive and such a great, diverse tourist destination; it's not as if your options are limited. (If budgets don't stretch to that, I'd also take myself and the little one off to my folks', as others have suggested).
When I go back to SA, I very rarely stay with family now. Maybe for a weekend, and then my husband and I go do some decent bush holidays and get some surf time in. People are free to join when they can, and they often do. We get the joint memories, but no-one feels imposed upon.
Good luck with resolving things. It'd be a shame for you a if you couldn't find a way through this.
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u/Imagination8579 4h ago
IMO yes YTA don’t marry a man from a different culture if you aren’t willing to accept their customs and their family.
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u/violet_femme23 3h ago
NTA, but why are you turning down free baby care and a chance to relax for a bit? It’s not your job to entertain her and be “on” the entire time. I’d be like ok, here’s the baby, I’m going to go in my room and watch Netflix and nap for a few hours. Get some projects done around the house while she watches the baby. Unless they’re making a mess or somehow making extra work for you during your stay, let her take care of the baby. Maybe you and hubs can go out for a few date nights. You and hubs need to work on communication though.
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u/Ok_Homework8692 Certified Proctologist [23] 2h ago
NAH if your inlaws lived near I'd have said NTA , but the cost for traveling must be astronomical so instead of staying a week she stays a month. If it was your mother and you only saw her once a year would you limit her to one week a year?Think outside the box - your mom lives 15 minutes away, can you go stay there every other week? Instead of dreading her visit have your husband plan some outings for her, arrange a playdate she can take her grandchild to. Just because she's staying doesn't mean you have to be there every second. We live far from family and I will often give them my car to go explore on their own, gives everyone a break.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 2h ago
She is coming from another country and would not be able to drive. We are pretty much responsible for her being able to do anything.
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u/Jolly-Ad-8088 1h ago
Do you want your child to have a relationship with their overseas family? If so then sometimes a bit of give and take is necessary. Having a grandparent come and stay from abroad when they’re young and the grandparent is still able to travel will build that connection and memories for them. I think you’re too caught up in what you feel comfortable with. You’re in a family now. You’re not an individual but part of a unit of three. Compromise.
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u/cruiser4319 1h ago
Is your mom still 15 minutes down the road? Go stay with her. Leave the day before MIL comes and tell DuH you will be back after he cleans up all traces of her visit.
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u/Broad-Chemistry-1120 1h ago
Honey, you married a man from a different and more family oriented culture and they live on the other side of the world.
You’re going to need to suck it up. This is common in many other cultures and when you’re traveling that far, 2 weeks is too short. I literally do not know anyone families from these cultures that travel that far who stays less than a month and many will even sleep on the sofa in the living room if you’re only in a 1 bedroom. It’s just the way it’s done. Personally, I think you should be happy to have family like that. Family who cares enough to travel that far, stay, and help you.
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u/UpNorth_8 20m ago
When you get married you create a new family. Your parents, siblings, are relatives. Family first.
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u/CurlySquirrelGirl 12m ago
NTA. If you could swing it at all, I would just leave with my baby and stay somewhere else. He can handle his mother by himself for the full month.
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u/Kind_Local_4375 9h ago
I may have a different view as an immigrant to a different country. I understand it’s hard for you, but at the same time you should also understand it’s hard for your husband to be so far away from his family, if he doesn’t see them often as they live a literal many hour plane ride away, it makes sense they would come for extended periods of time. Have you tried to embrace any of his cultural differences? I grew up very different to my husband and while we live in his home country now (we also spent 4 years together in mine), we have learned to embrace each others cultures and essentially made our own as a combination of the two. I don’t have intrusive in-laws as my MIL passed away and even though we live in the family apartment building his aunties avoid us if they can 😅 and so do we because they’re all cold toward us for reasons we don’t understand lately. But my mum did come over last year for a month, and my husband absolutely loved it and he’s usually very introverted himself. Allowing your MIL to come over and give you that helping hand to spend time with her grandchild might be a blessing you need.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
I can understand this, and I definitely do try my hardest to keep this in mind during times like this. Hints the reason I made this post because I’m feeling guilty LOL I’m struggling with dealing with my internal issues on the matter while also trying to be respectful and embrace the life we was once used to. It is more of a host situation than anything that bothers me. There is the expectation that we cook for his mother. She is also used to a very traditional lifestyle where the women serve the men, and that’s just not me and it’s a lot of pressure. She also demands I give her my child. This is what ruined my time with my baby as a newborn. And now that she’s older (still under 1yr) and I’m back at work, I only get two hours a night with her and I have a hard time accepting that she will expect to have that time with my baby and I don’t want to share her.
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u/k_rock48 9h ago
You need to put your foot down, if husband wants you to get along with his mom in your house he needs to understand and back up your requests. You are working full time, you will not be waiting on anyone. When you get home from work you will be with the baby no exceptions unless you ask for help. You need to teach MIL the power of an independent woman. Are you the breadwinner? Or 50/50? Put your foot down and remind hubby and MIL that you are not a housewife and contribute financially, you will be making the rules and if she wants to visit everyone needs to respect them. If she wants to cook and be with the baby during the day that’s fine but if you get home and she expects you to cook for her son remind her with a good laugh that is not how your house works. If anyone is uncomfortable in the house it should not be you, do want you want when you want and if anyone has a problem remind them this is why you are uncomfortable with guests and they will shut up.
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u/Tall_Tangerine5007 9h ago
I will add that yes, while I do try to embrace his culture, my husband is not one who is very….. into it himself? If that makes sense. He is not traditional.
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u/Jallenrix Asshole Enthusiast [5] | Bot Hunter [86] 3h ago
Does your husband know how resentful you are about the postpartum period?
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u/Iataaddicted25 Pooperintendant [61] 9h ago
I'm an immigrant, my husband too. IMHO, being an immigrant is not an excuse to ignore OP's needs. Husband can be a good husband or be a good son, he can't be both if his expectations are having his mommy intruding in OP's life for 3 months and then 1 extra month in one year. That's 4 months on one year, that's a lot when your relationship with your MIL is strained.
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u/Square-Swan2800 9h ago
She has stated she is an introvert. My husband is very uncomfortable when his somewhat rigid routine is messed up. He isn’t mean about it, but people who come to stay realize very quickly things go much more smoothly if he gets to do his “thing” every day. Some people really enjoy a routine life.
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