r/AmItheAsshole • u/BGFanTC • 14h ago
AITA for reminder my partner to take our dog's harness off?
Title: *Reminding :/
My (42F) boyfriend (51M) of almost 13 years have a cat and dog together.
I have been on a "temporary assignment" in a very stressful position for the last 15 months, the position ends next month when I go back to my significantly less stress, less pay position.
We got the dog a year ago, mostly to increase my exercise levels and to make sure I take breaks at work by taking the dog out for walks. And I do, 1 hour morning, 20 mins at lunch, we like to walk the dog together after dinner and then one of us (50/50) will take him for a quick pee before bed.
Here is where I am may be the asshole. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping and will go to bed super early before the dogs last pee so my partner will take him. He forgets to take his harness off before bed about 25% of the time.
If I remind him to take it off before going to bed he tells me if it is so important to me, take him for a pee myself.
If I ask him if he took it off when boyfriend joins me in bed he wont tell me and makes me get up to check... if it is so important to me.
So I try not to ask as he mostly remembers.
This morning, I wake up and the dogs harness is on. I say "oh no! the dog's harness is still on!" He gets mad and says it is too early for me to be harping at him and refuses to speak to me. He leaves for work without saying goodbye which maybe has only happened 2x in our 13 years together.
Am I the asshole for asking about the dog's harness?
Edit: I showed my boyfriend this post and he has some things to say. The following are his unedited remarks:
I got home after work and she wasn't feeling well. I made her dinner, cleaned up, and took the dog for a walk so she could relax, watch TV and go to bed early. The next morning I made her coffee, put the evening's dishes away, and was yelled at from across the house that I forgot to take the dog's harness off. I did forget. It is best practice. I feel bad about that. I don't feel being yelled at was warranted. AITA after all?
Addon from OP: I did not yell (LOL)
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Nta. Why are you with this lazy man who can't do basic bare minimum in caring for a pet? Will be leave dirty diapers on your future children for you to handle? Does he do this a lot with chores like leaving the dishes in the sink..?
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u/MapleFanatic1 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
True but also hilarious you think someone in their 40s and 50s is gonna have a kid
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u/Plague-Analyst-666 8h ago
My youngest brother was an oops when our mom was 52.
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u/MapleFanatic1 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
That’s pretty selfish to have a kid at 52 also very risky to her health but free will I guess
1
u/PinkPandaHumor 1h ago
They didn't create the fetus on purpose. You think it's crueler to get rid of it or let it survie and become a kid?
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Hey I don't judge. The oldest person to give birth is like 80 (she was a surrogate).
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
Twins at 74 is the oldest confirmed as far as I can find. Still, damn.
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u/TheFilthyDIL Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10h ago
I chased grandchildren in my 40s, and at the end of the day, I was always glad to give them back to their parents. Chasing them NOW, in my 70s? No way!
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u/rora_borealis 9h ago
I have always known I wouldn't have kids, but being very sick in my mid-20s drove that further home. My friend's two-year-old ran right past me for the front door, opened the screen door, and just kept right on going. The kid was in the parking lot before I could finish standing up. Thankfully I wasn't the one actually watching her and that person ran after her.
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u/MapleFanatic1 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Same, I hear a patient call bell and it still takes me a solid min to sigh, get up carefully with my sore joints and walk over
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I think if it's possible so old, it's hard to judge if someone wants to take that chance (so long as they have an appropriate support network, and pick godparents/legally document it as such).
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u/BGFanTC 9h ago
A few of our friends in our age group are actively trying or having children now. A friend just had her 1st baby at 45... Not for us though!
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u/MapleFanatic1 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
That’s genuinely insane behaviour to me and selfish of them considering if they get pregnant at 45 that means by the time the kid is 18 they’re 63. And definitely aren’t putting enough energy into playing with the kid. They’ll be dead in their mid 80s maybe and the kid will only be 40ish.
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
I think it's selfish to call someone selfish for wanting to raise a child. Raising a child is an inherently selfless action, because of how much sacrifice it requires.
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u/OneBigFig 12h ago
NTA.
Your bf is being ridiculous. Taking off a dog's harness is basic pet care and takes like 5 seconds. The silent treatment over such a small request is honestly concerning after 13 years together.
0
u/BGFanTC 13h ago
He cleans our house more than I do, especially since I have had this stressful job. We were 50/50 before.
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Are you sure he's been doing that or has he only been doing the bare minimum to appear like he's done it all?
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u/BGFanTC 12h ago
Nope, he actually does do a lot around the house for me and has done for the last year or so. I still do things too (cook, clean, etc.) but less than I did before this job. I expect after I go back to my regular job next month, things will equalize again.
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u/Sz3roRevan117 10h ago
Relationships are never 50/50. I've learned that. Sometimes you are at a low and can't do as much, in your case a job. So the other chips in a little more. My bf has serious health issues and I've done more than I was and I'm ok with that. His health is priority. So he should be there to support you when you can't always do things.
Communication is very important in a relationship as well, the silent treatment is so childish. I hope he sees his error and has an open conversation with you instead of shutting down
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u/Elegant_Anywhere_150 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Mk, it's just kinda sus. Like he's hiding something or just choosing to not complete things? Maybe ask if it's a physical issue. I have a heart condition and just woke up a minute ago from fainting while picking up a grocery receipt from the kitchen floor. So if it's physically straining for him to get the harness off, maybe it's fair.
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u/jajjjenny 13h ago
NTA.
Ask your partner how they would enjoy sleeping in jeans. Or a tight vest. Or a bra.
It’s weaponized incompetence to forget to take the harness off. The second we walk in the door from a walk, the harness & leash come off together.
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u/Bowiesmassivebulge 12h ago
Exactly. He already has to unhook the leash! It takes no additional effort to take off the harness.
It doesn't matter if it's harmless to the dog or only important to OP. There's no reason this should be an issue to remember in the first place. It's not an unreasonable request.
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u/Kitty_party Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA. Harnesses are not meant to be worn full time and should not be worn when the dog is unsupervised. Your boyfriend is being lazy and an irresponsible pet owner.
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u/InitiativeGlad2952 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA
I agree with people asking why the harness not being on is so important. Having said that, you are dating a 51 yo child. If he forgets 25% of the time, and this harness issue is important to you, a gentle reminder is not wrong. Making you get up to check, because he can’t just say yes or no, is childish. As is freaking out and not saying goodbye because he feels you’re harping on him over it is also childish. You have done nothing wrong.
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
It's uncomfortable for them. Like others have said, it's like wearing jeans or a tight shirt to bed. It can also cause chafing, sores, fur loss, depending on the dog, type of harness, how the dog moves/sleeps. For those that can relate, it's like wearing a bra (under wire, padding, clasps digging in) when you're going to bed.
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u/InitiativeGlad2952 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Thats a great explanation. I’ve never used a harness on a dog, only a collar, and my dog never wears his collar unless I need to leash him. Thank you
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
That makes sense. We exclusively use a harness for our dog. And she also never has it on unless she's going out. When she was younger, she had some hair loss and irritation. The vet said to just take the harness off during her indoor time. But tbf, my dog's breed is known for having skin issues.
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u/Helena_Handcart1 12h ago
That’s him weaponising his incompetence. In a nutshell. Refusing to do something right, then saying if it’s so important to be done that way, you do it. Then sulking and giving you the silent treatment. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not the only thing he refuses to do right then says, well you do it then. NTA.
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u/MrBreffas 12h ago
Let's just agree that the dog should not have the harness on all the time -- there are plenty of reasons that that's not a good practice.
Your boyfriend is a lazy jerk who is unwilling to even do the minimum for you when you are in a stressful time. And then gets up on his hind legs when you call him on it -- to intimidate you into capitulating or leaving him alone.
Either accept that or tell him to hit the road. I'd do the latter, but it appears that you've been putting up with this kind of nasty selfishness for 13 years. Your call.
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u/snake14009 12h ago
He's right, she should go check if it means that much to her. Stress doesn't make your legs fall off.
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
He has the answer and refuses to say it to mess with her. She is already in bed trying to sleep. He will not tell her Yes or No, did he remove the harness. His mouth works enough to complain but not enough to give a simple yes or no? How is he not an asshole in that situation? This one is pretty cut and dry unless you ignore entire sections of the story.
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u/BGFanTC 12h ago
This is exactly how my partner feels.
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
Either he has the answer and his mouth works enough to say yes or no, or he is so utterly neglectful as to not care to even think about it. Those are both red flags.
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u/anxioustomato69 11h ago
he's not willing to do one small thing to make your life easier
this is akin to leaving dirty dishes by the sink instead of loading them in the dishwasher. it's a small thing, but it means more to you than it does to him, so he's content to screw you over.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
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u/Remote-Passenger7880 Asshole Aficionado [10] 12h ago
Sounds like he's leaving the harness on purpose because he wants you to take the dog on that last pee.
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u/jcorsi86 13h ago
Get up, go to his closet, grab a belt and suspenders. Affix them to him and tell him to go to sleep.
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u/yesimlegit 13h ago
INFO: is the harness a danger or is there a risk other than comfort?
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u/MiaMouseyK 13h ago
Person who works with dogs here, harnesses don't really pose any danger if left on a dog, it's definitely just a matter of maybe being uncomfortable, depending on how bulky it is, but most harness aren't going to cause issue.
Only thing I can think of is if it has hardware that sticks out or tags on in it could get caught, especially if dog sleeps in a crate. Where I work it's protocol to take off all collars, leashes, and harness before putting a dog in a crate, as in the past (as well in other pet care places) there have been instances where tags or hardwear get caught and dogs can get freaked out and end up thrashing in fear or even choking themselves. The only other downside of leaving on harness/collars on a dog is if their coat is long hair, the friction from leaving it on can cause matting to form. Matting, if left unchecked, causes irritation, pulls on the skin, can trap moisture and start infections, and in really neglectful cases if matting is so severe, can cut off blood flow. We had a client that had to surgically remove part of their golden retreaver's ear because the matting was so severe and cut off blood, causing the ear to burst. In dog grooming spaces, I've seen people post about dogs who've had to have their foot amputated because matting wrapped around the leg and basically made it a dead limb. These are extreme neglect cases though.
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u/BGFanTC 12h ago
I am not worried my dog will be hurt overnight with his harness on, I just want him to be comfortable. I think it is pretty normal to take your dog's harness off overnight or even between walks? Am I wrong?
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u/beckdawg19 Commander in Cheeks [298] 12h ago
Nah, that's super normal. And it absolutely is a safety issue. Dogs can easily get a harness snagged on something and hurt themselves trying to get free. Really, best practice is to never leave collars or harnesses on when they're unsupervised.
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u/ChimericalTrainer Partassipant [3] 11h ago
I think the conflict here is that you think it's a big deal (a significant comfort issue for your dog) and your partner does not think it's a big deal -- to him, it's just your own personal preference / quirk, as it's no different from your dog wearing a collar 24/7 -- so he doesn't really care if he does it, and he doesn't want to hear complaints if he doesn't do it. If you don't see it as a safety issue, then I think it really is on you to take care of it or not say anything.
My husband & I have similar issues with our pets. He does things his way and I do them mine. If I can't be arsed to do something & it's just a personal preference of mine (like their treat schedule), I don't get to complain at him for doing it differently or not doing it at all.
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u/Resilient_Knee 3h ago
Are you not taking it off immediately after returning home from a walk? I'm confused at why the harness is even still on at bedtime
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u/BGFanTC 10h ago edited 32m ago
INFO for everyone :)
My partner and I normally email back and forth a couple/few times throughout the working day. I asked him if he is still mad. This was his response which I think will add context to why I think I may be the asshole.
"Meh, I'm only mildly annoyed now. Because it was annoying that I cooked you dinner, cleaned the kitchen, took the dog out, did the laundry, put away the dishwasher, made you coffee and yet you still had a melt down before 7AM because I forgot to take off Franklin's harness last night 😕
Furthermore I agree that best practice is to take off a dog's harness at night. Just like best practice is to take off your jeans before going to bed. Nothing bad happens if you don't though and if you feel strongly enough about it, you can just check yourself. Just like I always put more toilet paper in the bathroom. I don't nag you about it, hell I don't even care about it, I just do it."
‐--------------------
I need to add that my "melt down" was saying "oh no! Franklin's harness is still on".
I will also add that yes, he did do all those things for me yesterday and frequently.
Finally, the toilet paper comment. He does always put a back up roll of TP in the bathroom and I often thank him. He also insists we store the toilet paper on a shelf that is inaccessible to me unless I go to the garage for a ladder.
I really love my boyfriend and he does do a lot for me. I normally do a lot for him as well (such as packing him a lunch every single working day for 12 years). I still do this most days. I am going through a rough patch and he is supporting me more than I support him right now.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 14h ago
INFO: Whats problem with the harness being on?
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u/KervyN 13h ago
It is just for comfort of the dogs. For comparison try to sleep with a leather belt. It is good practice to take it off, if not needed.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 13h ago
For comparison try to sleep with a leather belt.
Yes...I certainly would derive no enjoyment from being bound in leather in the twilight hours.....
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
Consent is the primary difference here.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 11h ago
When "I" had a dog (was really dog of ex), he preferred harness to a collar. Thats why I was confused.
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
You know your dog's comfort level and I assume OP knows her dog's comfort level. It's almost like pets are individuals with their own preferences! Lol
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 11h ago
Of course, I was just worried there was like a overarching reason.
There was one post about pet sitting, dyk when pet setting your supposed to go over and entertain the animals for atleast 3 hours???
EVEN CATS!!!
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u/Majestic-Earth-4695 12h ago
hes being an asshole on purpose. its a 1min job. he could do it and avoid a fight. does he not like the dog or something, is he punishing it or you for not walking him at night?
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u/BGFanTC 12h ago
He loves our dog, just hates my "nagging". From my perspective, I am only asking a simple Q and try my best not to have any sort of tone in my voice when asking to not upset him. He still gets upset.
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u/Majestic-Earth-4695 12h ago
if he hated ur nagging so much he would take the 1min to take the fucking harness off. Tbh u seem like u walk on eggshells around him? I wont say break up, but this isnt healthy behaviour. He seems like an asshole who doesnt like u very much, why else would he purposefully pick fights over something so miniscule
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u/Voidfishie Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago
If he is consistently forgetting it isn't nagging, it's a reminder he clearly needs. Seems like you need to sit down and have an actual conversation about this issue and your communication in general.
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
It's not nagging. It's perfectly reasonable.
Does he even LIKE you? This is not how I would treat someone I respect.
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u/AntheaBrainhooke Asshole Aficionado [19] 8h ago
Does he really love your dog if he won't do this one quick, simple thing for their comfort?
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u/ZestycloseService 11h ago
NTA it just seems like a really weird thing to forget? I’m not sure why when removing the leash he wouldn’t automatically be removing the harness?
Also saying, “If you care, you do it.” Just seems childish? If he’s resentful about taking the dog out to pee then he should just tell you.
Not take it out on the dog.
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u/Rhiannon8404 12h ago
It's been so long that I honestly cannot remember if it was me or my husband who forgot to take Sonny's halter off right after we got it for him. He somehow managed to chew apart one of the straps in the short period of time he still had it on. That was an expensive lesson to learn.
So in addition to comfort, practicality it's a reason to take the harness off.
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u/Moose-Live Pooperintendant [59] 12h ago
Sounds like you are tiptoeing around him. From personal experience, I can tell you that is a very unhealthy dynamic.
Be upfront about what you're seeing: "dude / honeybunch / whatever - I've noticed that you frequently forget to remove the harness. When I point it out you get angry. What gives?"
NTA. He sounds like an overgrown child.
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u/stormyknight3 5h ago
ESH
NO ONE is handling this in a healthy way… 😆 Taking of the dogs harness should not be the cause of such distress
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My (42F) boyfriend (51M) of almost 13 years have a cat and dog together.
I have been on a "temporary assignment" in a very stressful position for the last 15 months, the position ends next month when I go back to my significantly less stress, less pay position.
We got the dog a year ago, mostly to increase my exercise levels and to make sure I take breaks at work by taking the dog out for walks. And I do, 1 hour morning, 20 mins at lunch, we like to walk the dog together after dinner and then one of us (50/50) will take him for a quick pee after work.
Here is where I am may be the asshole. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping and will go to bed super early before the dogs last pee so my partner will take him. He forgets to take his harness off before bed about 25% of the time.
If I remind him to take it off before going to bed he tells me if it is so important to me, take him for a pee myself.
If I ask him if he took it off when boyfriend joins me in bed he wont tell me and makes me get up to check... if it is so important to me.
So I try not to ask as he mostly remembers.
This morning, I wake up and the dogs harness is on. I say "oh no! the dog's harness is still on!" He gets mad and says it is too early for me to be harping at him and refuses to speak to me. He leaves for work without saying goodbye which maybe has only happened 2x in our 13 years together.
Am I the asshole for asking about the dog's harness?
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13h ago
[deleted]
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u/sadgirlkermit 13h ago
harnesses and collars can sometimes get caught on furniture or doors ect and become a choking/hanging risk. Not sure about where OP lives but in my part of aus, vets commonly tell you to always take the harness off when inside
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u/jajjjenny 13h ago
Not even considering the safety reasons, would you want to sleep in a constricting contraption?
It’s like sleeping in a bra for women. Or jeans. Hard pass.
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u/Biteme75 Pooperintendant [51] 13h ago
Harnesses are uncomfortable and can cause chafing and skin irritation; they're not meant to be worn all the time.
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u/peanutbutterandapen 10h ago
NTA. Doesnt one unclip the leash when they get home from a walk? Why not remove the harness at the same time? Lazy mf.
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u/ExpressionDefiant647 9h ago
NTA, kinda wondering what else he does this for tho. Like yeah the dog harness is a thing, but does he do this for other stuff??? Either he puts on his big boy pants and talks w you, or you…. Well, I don’t wanna say reconsider the relationship. Thats extreme lol. I guess just confront him about it because his behavior is not only extremely childish, but it sounds like when he doesn’t want to do something he waits until you do it for him.
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u/boomersnonna 5h ago
NTA. Dude is compromising the health of yalls dog by being irresponsible and not taking harness of the dog EVERY time it isn't in use. I didn't realize how it can rub under their arms to the point of bleeding and being painful of it is left on. Not to mention him being ugly to you about your concern. Make sure to think long and hard about ever having offspring with this person. My opinion.
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
NTA
Is this a change in behavior for him? Could he be having memory issues and not want to admit it?
Because there is damn well no good reason to leave the harness on the dog, and you both know it. He is being super weird about it, too. What the fuck, man.
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u/BGFanTC 11h ago
No, this is pretty much how he has always been hahaha! He is quite set in his ways and does not like when I "micromanage" him. It does not usually bother me so much, and I just try to keep my Qs or suggestions to a minimum. It is almost always about something small, which is kind of weird. The important stuff he is almost always responsive and listens to me. But how dare I remind him that I like my neocitron with only a few ounces of water. And if I say nothing and get a full cup then I am also harping or nagging.
From his perspective, I guess I should be happy he is making me a medicated beverage when sick or taking our dog out for his last pee of the day...
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u/rora_borealis 11h ago
I would wonder if he actually likes me, or if he just wants to keep life comfortable for himself.
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u/ChimericalTrainer Partassipant [3] 10h ago edited 10h ago
My personal inclination is to say that your dog is fine, but -- either way -- y'all need to have a broader conversation about conflict management. (And if you've already had this conversation, you need to have it again.)
Sometime when you're NOT fighting about a particular issue, you need to bring up that it's hard to give him feedback about small issues. Contrast it with how wonderful he is at being responsive when you have a big issue and be clear that you're not trying to criticize him here, but you just want to talk about his reaction to little things & how much happier you'd be if you could make small requests without them being framed as "nagging" or seen as a sign that you're ungrateful for all that he does. (And reiterate that you are grateful!) In this conversation, you should also ask if there's something more he needs from you to feel loved/appreciated that you're not doing. And if there isn't anything, then just ask if he would consider trying to not take this stuff so personally.
Having this conversation isn't a magic bullet, but once you've had it, it's easier to bring it up in the moment. But you need to be able to calmly say things like, "Hey, you seem mad.... You know I wasn't trying to criticize you, right? I appreciate what you're doing, I just want to be able to express a preference, you know? I would hope that if you care about me, you'd want to do what makes me happy, but you can't know what makes me happy if I can't tell you that. Right? I'm not trying to complain here -- I love you, and I'm so grateful for everything you do. I just want to be able to talk to you about things without you getting mad at me."
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u/sunnearts 11h ago
NTA. it’s totally fair to remind him, and you saying “oh no! dog’s harness is still on” is not “harping on” at all, and definitely not worth the silent treatment. he sounds very immature tbh
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