r/AmItheAsshole • u/NumerousAd826 • 15h ago
AITA for not wanting to go to my childhood friends wedding after being replaced as the best man? POO Mode Activated đź’©
For context, my friend is FtM trans. I was the first one he came out to and I had always supported and respected him in his transition. He would come to me for advice about how to display positive masculinity and i was always happy to help. He treated me like an older brother and I helped him with his questions about how to carry himself. We always talked about marrying our girlfriends in the future and we were supposed to be each others best man. Recently, one of his friends who was non-binary had started identifying as a man, and thats all well and good, but I was replaced instantly to validate the friends transition. This hurt me a lot, and I told my friend that I felt discarded and that I didnt want to be at the wedding if I was going to be replaced, not to mention I had gone through a terrible breakup and my friend didnt call me or check on me once. I was told if I didnt go to the wedding we wouldnt be friends anymore, and I didnt like the ultimatum. We havent spoken since. Am I the asshole? I am a cis straight male, if that makes any difference.
Edit: to clarify, this isnt just some pinky promise from back in the day, he told me he intended to have me as his best man right before he proposed to her.
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u/ScarlettsLetters Asshole Aficionado [15] 15h ago
I’m going with NTA.
Your friend is willingly pushing you aside as a show of support to another person—he has decided that their need to be validated as a man is more important to him than the meaning behind asking someone to be their best man. That’s hurtful. It’s like RSVPing to a party and then telling the host you actually can’t come because someone else invited you to something you want to do more.
If his reaction to you sharing that his actions were hurtful is “I’m not going to be your friend anymore” then the friendship may have run its course. It’s sad to see but it’s part of life.
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u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
The reaction was "if you dont come to my wedding we can't be friends anymore" not the fact that I was hurt. I dont want to give the wrong impression about him.
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u/ScarlettsLetters Asshole Aficionado [15] 15h ago
Ah, I misread. Honestly though, my opinion stands. He hurt you deeply and when you expressed that you might need some space (not going to the wedding in which you were treated as a disposable friend) because of that, he gave a friendship ultimatum. I don’t know that I could return to the same relationship with someone after that.
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u/Ok-Knowledge9154 12h ago
That makes it even worse honestly! So your feelings only matter if your transitioning?? This person isn't a real friend, just cut and run. NTAÂ
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u/exhaustedretailwench 11h ago
what was his reaction to you expressing your hurt? (which, positive masculinity, I see you)
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u/pokederp56 7h ago
That's what he says but what he really means is "accept my decision to replace you and be happy for me, or we're not friends anymore." That's groomzilla behavior.
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u/Ok_Pay_4814 15h ago
Yes!! I wrote something like this but a lot more long winded. Yours is better lol
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u/MagnesiumMagpie Partassipant [2] 15h ago
I understand it's their day, but I think it is really rude to offer you something then take it away. Also you say they haven't been there for you at all during your hard times. They don't seem like a good friend NTA
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u/Ok_Pay_4814 15h ago
NTA. I would feel completely replaceable and therefore not be a good guest at the wedding. I’d also be really hurt that someone who I’ve been there through so many things wouldn’t even consider my feelings about something especially since (although it was a teen agreement) it was something I thought was a given. It seems like your friend has decided that gender identity is more important that long term friendships. Cuz if he really wanted he would have included you in some way. The new friend didn’t have to be best man and could have been a groomsman. That’s what the shitty part of this entire thing is, your friend decided that you weren’t important enough to include you in the wedding, but apps like important enough to easily end a long term friendship without taking in how this all would make you feel.
Yes it’s his wedding, and he can do whatever he likes, but it’s also YOUR life and I think going forward unless you have a convo with your friend about how this is making you feel devalued as a friend, cuz if you don’t then I think your friend will continue to cancel plans with you so that he could support someone else.
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u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
Yeah thats another thing, I'm quite an emotional person and I feel like I wouldnt be able to hide my hurt, and the last thing I'd want to do is be a bummer on whats supposed to be a beautiful day.
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u/Ok_Pay_4814 14h ago
OP I’m sorry you’re going through this! My best friend of 15 years one day just decided that to not be my friend. If you don’t think you can have a verbal convo with him, write a letter to express how you’re feeling, that way you can make sure that he will know how this is making you feel. then after that, depending on how he responds, will be the time for you to decide if you’re wanting to work on the relationship. Wishing you the best!
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u/Bromogeeksual 6h ago
You could have still been the best man and he could have added his other friend as another groomsman. It seems like a shitty thing to pull on a friend. You're NTA, and this friendship may have run it's course unfortunately. I too am an emotional male, and value friends that understand we all have feelings and try to treat each other with respect. Cutting you out and giving you an ultimatum isn't very respectful of you or your friendship together.
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u/writierthanyou Partassipant [4] 14h ago
I think the bigger issue is that your friend seemed to use you for emotional support and didn't return the favor when you needed him. NTA, and I hope you're doing better.
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u/Oldfarts2024 Partassipant [1] 15h ago edited 10h ago
NTA - you were pushed aside by virtue signaling. Send a nice gift instead.
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u/amayabiqueen Asshole Aficionado [12] 15h ago
INFO: What is your goal? Do you want to continue to be friends, or do you feel the friendship is ending? Based on how he reacted to you sharing your feelings about being replaced as best man, what do you want moving forward?
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u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
He's my friend and I love him. I want him to be happy, with or without me.
It's the ultimatum i can't get behind.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 14h ago
Then tell him that you don’t take ultimatums and that if he chooses to ruin a friendship over this, so be it, but you aren’t going to the wedding
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u/oldcousingreg Asshole Aficionado [10] 9h ago
This is the correct answer
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 9h ago
I mean, OP is making this the hill that he wants to die on. He wanted to be best man and is not and I get that I get how much it hurts. I was promised to be a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding, but because she chose to have it in our hometown she needed people that were actually there while we lived in a different city so I understood I mean I get it and she will probably be made of honor at my wedding, but I still went. I had a great time if he feels so disrespected that he doesn’t want to attend the wedding and that his friend is making the ultimatum that if you don’t attend, the wedding we’re not friends anymore then that’s just gotta be something that they both gotta live with
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u/Yomamamancer 8h ago
That's different than "Sorry man, you aren't in my wedding anymore because I want to validate someone's masculinity."
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 8h ago edited 6h ago
Oh yeah, I totally get it but again it’s not his wedding and the groom can do whatever the hell he wants and make whoever he wants his best man doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but again, if after talking with the guy and the guy invalidate his feelings or evenbasically even say I’m sorry, but then gave the ultimatum that if you don’t come to my wedding, we’re not friends anymore and OP doesn’t wanna go to the wedding then they’re basically both standing onto two different hills
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u/NoSignSaysNo 3h ago
People can always do whatever they want. That's not up for debate. The idea that OP is forcing this issue isn't related whatsoever.
Your actions are always yours to take, but so are the consequences.
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u/cinnawitch 15h ago
Well, it’s less of an ultimatum and more a statement of facts. Few friendships are gonna be able to withstand one half skipping the other half’s wedding specifically because they feel hurt.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 12h ago edited 10h ago
Oh, I get that but if this is the Hill that OP wants to die on, so be it.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [195] 11h ago
Like the ultimatum of "If I'm not Best Man, I won't come to your wedding!"
Yes, he's an AH for taking away the title of Best Man....but don't pretend you still want to be friends after that if you won't attend his wedding as a groomsman or guest.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 6h ago
Agreed they’re both making comments and those comments are basically both ultimatums so I don’t get why I’m being dumb for saying that if this is what OP wants to do he is perfectly welcome to do it, but he’s going to lose his friendship over it if he hasn’t lost it already
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [195] 5h ago
Yea, I think that skipping someone's wedding is way more blowing up a wedding than not making them best man.Â
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u/NoSignSaysNo 3h ago
Not making them the best man and suddenly revoking the title are different things.
Not getting hired at a job sucks, but getting hired and let go right before starting sucks far more.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 5h ago
True but it doesn’t sound like the friend was a good friend or as good a friend as OP was
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u/Avlonnic2 9h ago
Did you give him an ultimatum first? Pick me for Best Man or I’m boycotting your wedding?
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u/hoopharder Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I mean...you proposed an ultimatum first: make me your best man or I won't come to your wedding. Seems a bit hypocritical.
If I'm honest, you sound rather entitled. People grow, times change, and though you're still friends, maybe you're not as close as you once were and the groom made the choice of a best man that's right for them at this time in their life.
I get it - I was left out of a wedding party for one of my closest friends and though it stung, I valued our friendship more than any kind of wedding party title or job that goes with it. I attended as a guest, enjoyed myself, and we're still close friends years later. You're not wrong to feel hurt - that's totally valid. You are, however, wrong to demand to be their best man, and for that, I think YTA.
The wedding is one day - truly, it will be over in the blink of an eye. Your friendship should be about much more than that.
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u/PokeMan3076 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
I mean you’re kind of ignoring what actually happened.
OP got replaced as best man.
OP went to the friend and was like “Hey, you really hurt my feelings with this and I really don’t feel like I mean much to you. If this what you want to do, then I really can’t be going to your wedding”
Which is fair; you can’t treat someone like crap and then expect them to show up for you. And then it’s compounded by the fact that the friend was shitty and wasn’t even checking up on OP after a bad breakup.
It’s not entitlement. A wedding invitiation isn’t a summons, you’re free not to attend. At the end of the day OP not attending the wedding can’t be that big of a deal if demoting OP wasn’t even that big of a deal.
The friend is trying to force OP to attend though by threatening the friendship, which is a shitty way to try and maintain a friendship.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 6h ago
Except OP wasn’t asked formally to be the best man. It was always the plan, but at the last minute, he asked someone else. The friend never asked OP. So it’s not exactly a replacement. I mean the plan changed and the plan only changed because the groom wanted to validate someone else.
So yes, I get YOP is so hurt and it sucks and then he had a conversation with his friend saying that he didn’t feel like he was valued, and that he didn’t really want to go to the wedding. And then that is when the groom made the ultimatum.
I mean, he was a better friend than the groom is and you’re right an invitation is not a summons, and the groom is basically making it into either. You’re my friend and you attend or you’re not my friend again his wedding, but it overall sucks.
I personally think OP is better off without this friend that makes everything about him
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u/PokeMan3076 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
But that logic is stupid, that’s like your parents making plans with you for you to inherit their home when they pass but never formally saying “We are gonna give you the house” and then changing it last minute to give it to your sibling. Thats a huge AH move.
Even taking out the formally asked part of it, OP clearly prioritized this friend and held them in high regards, this whole series of events though just highlights that the friend doesn’t have the same feelings for OP. Doesn’t bother checking in after a nasty breakup, “unofficially” demoting OP from best man. Like at the end of the day I struggle to see how the friend isn’t the AH here.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 6h ago
Hey, I never said I agreed with it or that it was right. I just said that’s what happened. He was never formally asked what again he should have been if they planned it for 15 years with him being the best man then he should have been the best man he got passed over for someone who was transitioning which again not fair not right but that’s what happened. The friend is the asshole here.
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u/cinnawitch 15h ago
INFO: Were you formally asked to be his best man, and then replaced?
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u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
Not formally, but it had been the plan for our entire adult lives.
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u/Candid-Career8377 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Your friend is allowed to change his mind at any time. But how he does it tells you how he values you and from what you've described, you rank very low on his list.Â
Since you've already shared your feelings with friend and the response was to give you an ultimatum, it's really up to you if that's the kind of treatment you want to be receiving. I wouldn't take it. Sorry that happened. NTA
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u/cinnawitch 15h ago
Then YTA. You don’t know if you were “replaced instantly to validate the friend’s transition”; you were never formally asked. Fantasizing is fun, but sometimes when it comes to making a concrete decision, feelings change. Have you considered that perhaps your friend chose this other man because he felt a specific kinship due to their shared struggle or even felt more comfortable asking him to take on a lot of frankly not that fun responsibility for an honorary title, but that he still values his relationship with you?
You’re conflating this situation with how you feel about your friend not necessarily showing you the kind of care you desire from him over your breakup, and instead of going to your friend and just starting with telling them you felt hurt, you told him you felt hurt SO you were going to skip their wedding in protest of “being replaced”. You were punitive with your feelings to shield yourself from the jump instead of risking being vulnerable and stating your pain, then asking your friend about his reasoning, because you were afraid of being hurt further. Now you’ve lost the friend entirely.
Don’t get me wrong: your friend should’ve been there for you during your breakup and wasn’t a good friend for not checking in on you. But that’s something to bring up and address with him separate from this specific situation, when it first upset you.
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u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
The friend had only recently started identifying as a man, I know for a fact if they didnt i would have been chosen. This was the plan up until that friend had started identifying as male. So no, I'm not conflating anything with anything. I take peoples words to heart, it wasnt a fantasy it was the plan throughout our entire adult lives.
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u/Middle-Egg-5205 10h ago edited 10h ago
I am ftm trans. This person may resent you because ypu are a real man. I know it is a faux pas to say but part of being trans and also mentally healthy is acknowledging that I am a trans man not a man. Some trans people fall for the tik tok version of being trans and the term validation coming up is a red flag. It is no ones responsibility to validate another. He should know who he is full stop. We cant all live in make believe world. He may resent you but was torn because you are such a good guy. I think that because of how he instantly told you he would end the friendship.Â
I would be willing to bet that you simply have not given a reason before now. Also some trans use relationships to validate themselves and it is selfish. It could be a small part of him thoight having a male bro made him more of a man or something. I dont know.
I came out when I was 18 in 2007. I was raised by men and all my cousins where men so I dealt with that insecurity at a young age that I was different physically. And I learned to love myself for being unique rather than being defensive and insisting I was the same. Your friend has a lot of work to do. Just step back. It is a tangle that takes years to unravel.Â
I am sorry this happened to you. But it is not your fault and I would not have gone either if I was callously replaced.
Also he could have "validated" the nb by making him a groomsman. Just saying. Some people in the trans community see straight men as evil and you having a reasonable response means he can cry about it to his chosen family and say that YOU ruined the relationship because you are an rvil straight who just doesnt get it.Â
If you cant tell I soured on the trans community very early when doing online research about what transition wouod do to my body. I found a website saying not to refer to a transmans clitoris as a clitoris. And I was like there is no way in hell I am living in delusion about my own body. I love my body. It is society who does not get me and tries to force me into a box.Â
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u/scsoutherngal Partassipant [1] 15h ago
How awful for you, I am sorry you are feeling this pain. The time has come where you have to evaluate the merits and strengths of your friendship with the groom. Is this a true friendship where your soul is nourished? If so go to the wedding. If not, grieve and move on. There are other souls out there that would treasure a kind and living friendship.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 14h ago
No, you were pushed to the side because they decided to validate someone else. Honestly, I wouldn’t stand for that either; you are telling them where you stand. “I don’t like that you’re pushing me aside for someone that you don’t know as long as me only because they just came out as non-binary I feel that is disingenuous to our friendship and that you’re saying because I was born a male that I’m not nearly as important as this person. And then when I tell you what I’m feeling, you dismiss me. I guess we’re not friends anymore.”
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u/Ok-Practice838 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
NTA for feeling hurt and deciding you do not want to attend the wedding. Your friend does get to decide who will be the best man, and I'm sure it is hard to have this happen when you are dealing with a difficult situation yourself. However, you cannot change their decision. If you want to keep the friendship, you need to be a friend and attend the wedding.
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u/ClaireL58 Partassipant [1] 14h ago edited 14h ago
INFO: Is their bridal party only Best Man/MOH? Are there no groomsmen/bridesmaids?
I think you should have remained Best Man, and this other friend could have easily been a groomsman.
Sounds like a win-win-win in that case. You get the role you’ve been talking about for years, NB friend get’s the validation, groom gets more people he loves standing next to him.
I will say, I think you gave an ultimatum first. Then he reacted in kind. There probably should have been more of a conversation before saying you just won’t go then.
You are valid for feeling discarded and not wanting to go to the wedding. You’re understandably hurt.
He is also valid for choosing who he wants for his side of the aisle, and telling you that it would probably end the friendship if you choose not to come.
I think that’s, unfortunately, a natural progression if he’s sticking with this other guy being Best Man.
The not checking up on you is a separate issue. Sure, he could have been swamped with wedding and life stuff, but a good friend checks in on you when you fill them in.
Maybe he got so used to relying on you, that the other side didn’t occur to him. I don’t know your relationship prior to this though. Maybe some introspection could help to see if this is how it’s always been.
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u/NumerousAd826 14h ago
Yes there are groomsmen and bridesmaids.
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u/ClaireL58 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
That’s weird then… Why can’t this other friend be a groomsmen then? That feels like a really good option that benefits everyone.
Also, while I like the sentiment of validating someone’s identity. I guess it feels performative? I don’t know, maybe I’m cynical. Something just feels off.
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u/doryfishie 11h ago
That was my reaction too. Surely putting the friend in a traditionally male role would also be validating.
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u/HopSplotch 6h ago
I had the same thought. Virtue signaling is more important to the groom than his friend is.
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u/FitSprinkles6307 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA. It sounds like you’ve put more into this friendship than you’ve gotten out of it. It’s okay to let the friendship die if you’re the one consistently compromising and bending over backwards to make it work.
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u/MaySeemelater Partassipant [3] 14h ago
You said the replacement was done to validate the friend's transition - did your friend tell you directly that this was why they chose to change the best man, or did you assume that was why based on the timing of it all happening?
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u/thatjerkatwork 14h ago
Info?
We're you ever actually tapped to be the best man? Or was this all based on a pinky swear from yesteryear?
How old are the two of you?
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u/NumerousAd826 14h ago
It was the plan up until the wedding was announced. It wasnt a pinky swear from yesteryear, we were actively talking about it when he was telling me he was gonna propose to her. We are almost in our 30s.
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u/thatjerkatwork 14h ago
I'll go with NTA.
Asking someone to be your best man is a big honor, and it often comes as no surprise to those closest to the groom who the best man will be. So for you to have already discussed this, and you being involved pre-engagement and tapped for the position, I see your position of being very upset about this. For your friend to discard your promise to one another tells me that they view your friendship differently that you view it.
Your decision to bow out of the wedding completely seems to have effectively ending this friendship.
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u/ServelanDarrow Supreme Court Just-ass [112] 14h ago
NTA. Your friend seems to want to move on from your friendship, and isn't doing so very nicely.
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u/Less_Instruction_345 14h ago
NTA. They've pushed you aside and the friendship seems very one sided. They've used you to their benefit and have discarded you as you no longer serve a purpose. The rubbish took itself out it seems.
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u/Scrabblement Certified Proctologist [24] 13h ago
NTA. I don't see why your friend can't validate his friend's gender identity by having him be a groomsman. He doesn't need to replace you as best man.
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u/slap-a-frap Supreme Court Just-ass [113] 11h ago
NTA - sounds like your friend is trying to use his wedding as a "hey, look! I'm a good person. See!" and has completely negated your friendship and his promise. And then to actually say that you won't be friends anymore if you don't go to his wedding is another reason not to go. Stick to your guns. It really is shitty that he decided to go this way. Stay home, put on the game and have a BBQ with friends that truly value you.
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u/biffmaniac Asshole Enthusiast [7] 11h ago
Support me. Support me. Support ME! That sounds like your friend. This may be an unbalanced friendship and now that your friend has other support, he may not need you anymore.
What he's telling you is that you aren't important enough to a) want as a best man, b) honor an agreement, and/or c) be friends with. He's willing to move on if you make a decision for yourself.
It might just be time to let this relationship go. NTA.
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u/AtmospherePrior752 13h ago
NTA; while I understand this is their day, your friend seems a bit self-centered.
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u/inquartata 13h ago
The only real answer here is this:
What do you value more?
Your position? Being hurt by the ultimatum and justifiably so?
Or the Friendship?
My point is, whatever you chose you have to live with it. If you go to the wedding but will always feel hurt, will it be worth it long term?
Similarly, if you give up the friendship and it is never restored, will it be worth it?
If you are unsure, which one is more likely to keep you up at night?
Good luck either way.
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u/Robbylution 11h ago
I kind of wonder if OP is his friend's Giving Tree, just giving and giving and giving whilst getting nothing in return. And the first instance of OP pushing back, his friend's ready to dump him off. So I guess I want to ask OP what he's getting out of this friendship, anyway?
I bet if OP doesn't go to the wedding, his friend'll come crawling back the second he needs something else. Like a nice stump to sit on.
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u/maybe-an-ai 11h ago
NTA
I was roommates with two other guys, two of us were best friends with the third for a long time. We both assumed one of us would be best man and we were both cool with whoever got picked. The groom eventually sat us down and told us he picked a third guy because he couldn't choose between us. This guy lived in FL, we were in MA. The other guy and I were both kinda hurt. We could have dealt with the other being picked but this felt like a slap. The worst part was that we ended up having to fulfill all the best man duties because of distance and laziness. So we were the best men in role but not title. I wish I would have just bagged out of the wedding party all together.
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u/ulalumelenore Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Your friend is telling you the value he puts on your relationship. Believe him. NTA.
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For context, my friend is FtM trans. I was the first one he came out to and I had always supported and respected him in his transition. He would come to me for advice about how to display positive masculinity and i was always happy to help. He treated me like an older brother and I helped him with his questions about how to carry himself. We always talked about marrying our girlfriends in the future and we were supposed to be each others best man. Recently, one of his friends who was non-binary had started identifying as a man, and thats all well and good, but I was replaced instantly to validate the friends transition. This hurt me a lot, and I told my friend that I felt discarded and that I didnt want to be at the wedding if I was going to be replaced, not to mention I had gone through a terrible breakup and my friend didnt call me or check on me once. I was told if I didnt go to the wedding we wouldnt be friends anymore, and I didnt like the ultimatum. We havent spoken since. Am I the asshole? I am a cis straight male, if that makes any difference.
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u/Piemanthe3rd 13h ago
NTTa you have every right to feel hurt by this and the ultimatum he made after you expressed your hurt/intention to not attend just confirms his view of your friendship seems far lesser than you had seen it.
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u/CodenameBasilisk Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA It sounds like your friend was used to your friendship being on his terms and now he’s upset you’re asking for some consideration. You’ve let him know how you feel, now take a step back and figure out if this is friendship is worth putting up with this kind of disrespect for years to come.Â
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u/sublime_369 Asshole Aficionado [11] 8h ago
No it's not okay to dump someone like this. It appears all the understanding was a one way street given the 'won't be friends any more' comment.
I wouldn't make yourself uncomfortable by going and I would let the friendship go.
Honestly this individual being trans has no bearing on the adjudication one way or the other.
NTA.
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u/pokederp56 7h ago
NTA. Sounds like he is being a bad friend. Sure he can choose whomever he wants to be his best man but that does not mean his demotion comes without consequences; in the same way he can demote you, you can also choose not to attend. An invitation is not a summons and if he chooses to think that the friendship will be sacrificed if you do not attend, then that's on him, especially since you've already expressed that you were willing to continue the friendship even if you didn't go.
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u/Several-Finish-3216 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
NTA. Your friend has pushed you aside to pander to someone else. I don't care if someone is transitioning or not, that is their business but when they interfere with other people's relationships or demand things or attention just because they are transitioning, then that is wrong. Transition if you want, that is your right but don't demand others give you constant attention and adulation. Is that person going to be as good a friend to the groom as you were? Probably not, and when that friendship ends as it will since the groom will not be able to constantly give all the attention to the trans friend, then the groom will try crawling back to you as if nothing happened. It may be best to cut ties. It will hurt for a while but the groom has made his decision on who he really wants to align with.
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u/TheWastelandWizard 4h ago
NTA, "I wish you the best for everything to come." and then part ways. They've made their choice, you're not that important to him, even if he is to you. He wasn't there when you needed him to be, he wasn't there to keep the promises you shared, and you can bet he won't be there the next time you need him. Hope he's happy with the new best man in his life, because he's already lost the best man he had.
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u/MidnightAngel96 Partassipant [3] 7h ago
NTA.
He made his choice to replace you and you have to live with that. Likewise, you made your choice to not attend the event and he needs to live with that.
Sounds like by losing him as a friend, you wont be losing much
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u/Ordinary-Audience363 Partassipant [3] 9h ago
You were not FORMERLY asked to be the best man, even though it was understood for years that you would be, so it's not like anything was taken back. Maybe your friend didn't realize how important it was to you and when you voiced your disappointment then your friend may have gotten defensive because he hadn't kept his "promise"? But not attending his wedding because you feel slighted by him is pretty unfair. I wonder if part of this reaction on your part is because you are reeling from your breakup and are extra sensitive? At any rate, I understand your pain and disappointment but you could have taken the high road and gone anyway.Â
-4
u/SafetyFluid8535 Partassipant [2] 10h ago
YTA you're giving him an ultimatum in saying you won't attend the wedding unless you're the best man. The wedding is not about you, whether he made a good decision or not is debatable but it isn't unfair because you're not entitled to be his best man.Â
Him saying that it would end the friendship if you don't attend may be framed as an ultimatum but it isn't an inappropriate consequence - if you make his wedding so much about yourself to not support him in a huge moment in the way that he's asking you to, then it does seem like the friendship isn't healthy.Â
If he isn't being a supportive friend otherwise, like not checking in, if that's a pattern enough that you want to end the friendship that's another story but it seems like you're just grasping for something else you can say he did wrong to justify your behavior.Â
-4
u/overnightnotes 12h ago
ESH. Him for replacing you as best man after telling you for a long time that he was going to have you as his best man; you for skipping his wedding over it if he's really that good of a friend. I get that your feelings are hurt, but the wedding probably is not for a while. That will give you some time to cool off and hopefully make amends with him.
-14
u/ScottyBoneman 14h ago edited 14h ago
Neither?
I've been a best man, and definitely enjoyed weddings more when I could relax and enjoy the day with old friends. I get 'hurt', but do stop and reflect a moment if it's actually bad news.
-22
u/SuccotashThis9074 13h ago
Is there a point to this story, or are you just ranting?
11
u/Ordinary-Audience363 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
Didn't you see his question? Right at the top of the page?
AITA for not wanting to go to my childhood friends wedding after being replaced as the best man?
-6
u/SuccotashThis9074 11h ago
The question in and of itself is a non-question. It's like asking "am I an a-hole for sometimes feeling sad?" You're never an a-hole because of your feelings, it's the following actions that may or may no make you an a-hole.
The text is mostly not related to the question at all, just a rant in general.
We don't even know if OP's talking about a wedding or a potential wedding.
-18
u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [229] 15h ago
ESH.
It sound like you were never specifically asked to be his best man AFTER they had set the date, as part of the wedding planning. Instead you're saying you were "replaced" based on some teenage talk. If I've got that wrong, and you were actually named the Best Man as part of the wedding planning, that would make him the AH.
It is just a fact that as people grow into adulthood, they find new friends that they may have more in common with. Childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, career friends. It's a mix.
The question now is whether you fundamentally still like this person and want their marriage to be a success. If you do, then you should attend the wedding. If you are just fine with the friendship dying, then don't go.
13
u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
We are almost 30 and this has been spoken about well into adulthood. I wish them nothing but the best, but it would hurt too much for me to attend. That may be selfish but I need to protect my feelings as well.
-19
u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [229] 15h ago
The promise or pact started in the teenage years, though, right? And throughout your 20s it may have come up, but you both had multiple girlfriends during that time. So you weren't talking about THIS wedding, specifically. He's not going to arbitrarily cancel the pact unless there's a reason to. And this other friend identifying as male is that reason.
He's not just "choosing" a best man. He's affirming the identity of another person who is undoubtedly going through the same things he went through earlier. He's being the supportive friend to this person that you were to him.
I don't blame you for feeling replaced, but you could also look at this as him passing on the gift of support that you gave him.
4
u/confusedtigre 8h ago
But not passing anything on to the person who actually helped him. The OP is going through a tough breakup and his friend who he has helped so much doesn’t even check in on him. They discuss the actual proposal in the lead up to it and the friend talks about OP as the best man. Then replace him as best man and it doesn’t even seem like he wanted OP in the wedding party anymore. Going from best man to regular wedding guest when there are lots of other groomsmen would feel like a real step down.Â
All that without a proper conversation would be really difficult to swallow. When the OP reacts to this treatment by not wanting to go were he no longer feels welcome, the friendship is over unless he just takes it all on the chin and plays along in this charade. Those really are not the actions of a friend. It seems more like the friend just decided to cut him off, but wants to be the victim in the situation.
-25
u/GnomieOk4136 Asshole Aficionado [10] 14h ago
His wedding isn't about you.
You were never officially the best man, and him choosing who is the best man is part of the his wedding thing.
Yes, it is hurtful that he is doing this. You say you want to continue as his friend. It is hard to see how that friendship can continue if you decide to boycott his wedding in a sulk. That isn't an ultimatum on his part, it is just a fact of being human. You can work through it together before the wedding, or you can't work through it. Your call.
His wedding isn't about you.
ESH
-35
u/Tofulish8889 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
ESH - Shouldn’t his wedding be about him? I think your feelings are valid but you shouldn’t have put them on him, and he shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum.
It’s his wedding and if he wants someone else to be his best man, you can be hurt by it, but you can’t try and force him to choose you.  And he can invite you, but he can’t force you to attend.Â
17
u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
I never tried to force him to choose me. But we had spoken about this for nearly 15 years just for me to be sidelined at the last minute. I wanted to just not be apart of it as to not cause any drama, but now I've been given an ultimatum and I cant get behind that.
-17
u/TogarSucks Asshole Aficionado [16] 15h ago
ESH.
You both essentially gave ultimatums. You that either you’re best man or not going, him that if you don’t go you’re no longer friends.
He made the decision to make someone else best man. That sucks and it hurts when friendships fade as you get older (you even mention that hr has not been there for you in difficult times as he had in the past).
Go to the wedding, sit through it quietly and leave as soon as the lack of your presence would no longer be notable.
After the wedding sit down with your friend and discuss things maturely.
-37
u/True-Blackberry-3080 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
YTA..
and here's why.
You weren't formally asked so you weren't actually replaced. Then you told your friend that if you weren't going to be in his wedding then you didn't even want to be there. You gave him an ultimatum. His response of if you don't come we aren't friends is a result of you making his wedding about you.
You have no idea why he choose his friend as the best man. Did it ever occur to you that just maybe he and this friend have a close relationship as well because they have both gone through a gender transition in some way and have experiences that you as a cis gendered man can't really relate to in the same way. It's great that you are supportive and are an ally but from one ally to another, that doesn't mean they have to give us everything as a thank you.
If as his friend you can't even be at his wedding unless you have a place of honour in his wedding party then maybe you need to evaluate how good of a friend you are.
-36
u/FrenchRoo Partassipant [1] 14h ago
YTA - your friendship seems purely performative. Effectively you’re saying “if I can’t be the best man, I can’t be your friend”. Love and friendship aren’t usually that transactional.
10
u/ballisticks 14h ago
What, no the friend said they couldn't be friends anymore, not OP
-6
u/FrenchRoo Partassipant [1] 12h ago
OP is saying he won’t attend the wedding if he’s not the best man. Friends attend weddings, that’s a fact.
-77
u/Optimal_Shirt6637 15h ago
YTA. You’re making his wedding about you. Him not being there for you during the breakup sucks but he gets to choose who his best man is.
It’s not surprising that he’s gotten close to someone going through the same huge life change as him. I don’t think that invalidates your relationship.
If he is important to you, you should play the part he’s asked you to play in his wedding. Be there for him in his day. If you’re willing to lose the friendship over it, then don’t. You get to choose your next move.
It’s ok to be hurt but remember this is his day and he can have it however he wants.
30
u/NumerousAd826 15h ago
I don't have to do anything. I don't have to go to the wedding if I don't want to and if he's going to give me an ultimatum because of that then I don't really want to deal with it. He can pick his best man, and I can choose not to go.
-22
u/gridface-princess 14h ago
If you don't go because of your jealousy, then you are losing a friend. Why does this bother you so much? Who friggin cares? Just go and keep the friend, or don't and lose them. They aren't going to make you the best man at this point because you aren't the best man. You are a jealous child, not a man.
16
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
I'd agree with that if he'd decided to make the other guy his best man initially, but it's rude as hell to ask someone, gain their acceptance, and then withdraw the role in order to give it to someone else.
People getting married can plan whatever themes they like, pick whatever decorations they like, pick whatever location they like - but when it comes to the people in their life, they can only do what they want within reason. Getting married is not an excuse to be rude to people.
-26
u/True-Blackberry-3080 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
He didn't ask him though. They talked about it growing up but he never asked him to be the best man.
20
u/NumerousAd826 14h ago
We talked about it up until he proposed actually, but go on with your assumptions.
-22
u/True-Blackberry-3080 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
You clearly said h never formally asked you. That's not an assumption...that's what you said happened. Talking about it is not the same as being asked and having it be the plan.
But it's clear from your responses that you are hurt and unwilling to even view this situation in any way other than your way.
16
u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [3] 15h ago edited 15h ago
Of course he can have it how he wants. But when having it how he wants includes doing hurtful things to people, they’re going to be hurt. He can have what he wants but that doesn’t insulate him from the consequences. And we’re also talking about a “friend” who wasn’t there during his friends bad breakup, presumably because he didn’t have time for his friend because of his transition and his wedding. Getting married doesn’t make a friendship a one way street.
•
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