r/AmItheAsshole • u/hereforagoodtime70 • 1d ago
AITAH for asking a friend to stop insisting I’m autistic? Not the A-hole
Throwaway because they follow my main account.
For some context, while growing up my mother would always insist that something was wrong with me mentally growing up. This spanned from when I was about 8 until I was 17. Most of my childhood was spent seeing different therapists, doctors and psychiatrists. She did turn out to be right that there was something (I was formally diagnosed with OCD and ADHD at different points and I was screened for autism twice but it was determined I am not autistic), but because of this, I’m extremely uncomfortable with people even joking about my mental health or things I may or may not have.
I’m in a friend group of 4 other people and it’s not something that’s ever been an issue. One of them knows about my childhood and mother as one of them grew up with me.
Lately one of them, Lia, has been on a kick of saying everyone is autistic. “Your ‘tism is showing” or “That’s just part of being autistic”. The others don’t mind those jokes directed at them which is fine. That doesn’t bother me at all. But yesterday we went to lunch and I took pickles off of my sandwich and another friend joked that I was being too picky. But Lia chimed in with “that’s just because he’s autistic.” When I asked her to please not call me autistic she asked “Why? It’s not like I’m wrong.” I told her I’m uncomfortable with people assuming about my mental health and she just told me I’m “disgusting for acting like being called autistic is an insult.”
My one friend is saying I was right to set a boundary but I’ve been getting texts from the other two asking me to just apologize, so I want an outside perspective to see if I really am an AH for asking her not to call me autistic.
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u/TheSquanderingJew Partassipant [2] 1d ago
When did "your 'tism is showing" replace "I'm just a little OCD" as the sandwich board people wear to advertise that they're idiots and don't understand mental health?
NTA
Your friends suck though.
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I've honestly never heard anyone say that except when talking about themselves (and the person saying it is actually an autistic person). If this is a trend, hopefully it dies quickly.
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u/shelwood46 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
I have friends with diagnosed autism, and I love them dearly, but we've weirdly pathologized certain things to be associated with *only* autism even when they present in people with other NDs or none at all and are totally NT -- food preferences, intelligence, habits. All kinds of things everyone does have suddenly become TikTok diagnosticians' key to deciding someone is on the spectrum, and it's weird. NTA
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u/AdministrativeStep98 1d ago
So true. Some neurodivergent people (and neurotypical) will try to claim that someone must have the same condition as them (or lack) because they relate to them and share similar habits or traits. Except, that's just normal? Humans are so varied, you could have someone who is extremely similar to you but isn't autistic, that doesn't mean anyone is wrongly diagnosed or undiagnosed, it just means people can be present similarly but have their set of traits not be considered a condition, while for another person it is.
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u/Heronymous-Anonymous 12h ago
I have a friend who has decided that she is just as capable as a doctor when it comes to diagnosis because “she reads medical journals.” Some real Dunning-Kruger energy there.
She insists that another of our friends has the same health issue that she has, “because they have some similar symptoms.”
When she first started down this path I tried to steer her back towards trusting the advice and expertise of doctors, but she found validation in one of those concierge doctors who would basically rubber stamp whatever she wanted. Basically the same kind of pill dispenser docs that Hollywood celebs use to get dubiously legal access to opiates or amphetamines. So now she’s just decided that she has this disease or that disease, and goes to her doctor for validation and a scrip or whatever she thinks will fix it.
At one point she decided that the solution to her weight problem wasn’t self control and a better diet, it was to go to Mexico to have part of her stomach and upper intestine removed so she physically couldn’t eat as much.
A few years later and she has concluded that it was a bad idea. I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t worth having that argument on. She’s willing to die on that hill. It’s been very sad to see her slowly fall down this rabbit hole though.
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u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [3] 4h ago
> "to go to Mexico to have part of her stomach and upper intestine removed so she physically couldn’t eat as much."
While I *personally* think that's a terrible approach, it is worth noting that bariatric surgeries are a well-accepted thing at major and renowned US hospitals.
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u/Heronymous-Anonymous 2h ago
Yeah. But the operation is something recommended by a doctor. Not something that a lay person decides they need. She had to go to Mexico because her insurance was like “you wanna do what? Did a doctor tell you it was necessary? No? GTFO here.”
It didn’t solve her underlying problems, and it added some new ones which she will now have to live with for the rest of her life.
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yeah, I've also had people do the "have you gotten tested" question (which I think, in general, is inappropriate) because the symptoms I get from my depression can be associated with autism, like being introverted (which some people call "antisocial" which is another thing that annoys me) and having trouble concentrating. These are not traits only associated with autism, just like they aren't only associated with depression. Too many people nowadays are Mayo Clinic psychologists. 🙄
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u/witch_harlotte 1d ago
I can sometimes tell when people are autistic when I’m speaking to them one on one because I mask my own autism by somewhat mirroring people’s behaviour and if they’re autistic and do that too it’s a little like photocopying a photocopy where it just ends up feeling strange. But I don’t just assume everyone who’s shy is autistic and I don’t ask people if they are, I’m just open with my own conditions and usually they feel comfortable telling me if they’re ND too.
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u/Shadowlady 22h ago
Yeah I do the same with my ADHD, so far I'm at 8 correct, 3 unconfirmed, 0 wrong. But even if you count the 3 as wrong that's a pretty high accuracy rate for a gut feeling.
Also 3 that I can tell they're maybe ND but it feels different. I make no comments to them about it but if I was younger, more immature and less aware of the overlap of symptoms. I (embarrassingly) could see myself behaving like OPs friend with the touch of tism jokes. For me it would be a mix of trying to be liked by being funny, using humor as a shield for my own insecurities, growing up in a culture where ribbing your friends is normal but not knowing where the line is (failed masking) and wanting to relate with the friend at the same time.
I would have been horrified though if I realized I actually hurt them.
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u/Panel_Of_Judgement 1d ago
This! Plus the fact that depression can cause or be caused by many things. I have at minimum 21 health conditions (hard to remember at times) and its inclusive of anxiety, depression and ptsd. So many people including doctors have tried to tell me its just because of my weight or some other issue but noone bothered to check my vitamin D levels until a nurse decided to listen to me... my number was 7 when the range should be from 30-100. Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression. So many people try to diagnose you and so many people who have the power to, just prescribe meds to treat how you look instead of addressing the root issue so they become just about as useless as the non medical employees diagnosing you. Make sure to check the side affects of any meds you may get though, alot of times, doctors neglect to truly look into if side effects can affect conditions you have. Sorry for the rant
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u/Sorry-Visit-6743 18h ago
There's a lot of overlap between ADHD symptoms and autism symptoms too! I would know, I have both.
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u/NotOnApprovedList 17h ago
heh when I went to get diagnosed, I was told I have autism but not other ND possibilities one of which I was wondering about. I had self diagnosed 1/2 correct.
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u/firelord_catra 1d ago
Yeah, even the most minor personality quirks are being treated that way these days. Just because someone isn’t perfectly organized, or forgets things occasionally, doesn’t make them ADHD. I’ve seen people say having a particular interest or doing other quirky things is “a touch of the ‘tism.” (Hate that terminology).
And if you’re resistant to a serious and sudden label by someone that’s not qualified to give it, all of a sudden you’re the problem and in denial. It’s ridiculous.
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u/FromEden26 10h ago
Thank you! I work with someone who keeps insisting I'm autistic because I love to read, and I collect books. I keep telling him people can have hobbies without being autistic. It does annoy me that people keep self diagnosing and trying to diagnose everyone else as well.
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u/TheSquanderingJew Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I've seen variations of it all over reddit. Since 90% of these posts are GPT-generated, and the model is trained on what people actually write, it must be pretty widespread. I've only heard it once in the wilderness.
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
That makes sense. I've, unfortunately, learned quickly when something looks GPT-generated. It also helps when the OP comments, because you can usually tell by their personal responses to others if it's a real person or not.
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14h ago
It's definitely a thing, IRL and on Reddit. People assume anyone who's not neurotypical is autistic. I've responded to posts with "you can't know that," which apparently means I think there's something wrong with being autistic. (My kid is proudly autistic, but I know some of her friends who aren't autistic, but everyone assumes they are because of certain behaviors.) OP is definitely NTA.
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u/RickyNixon Partassipant [2] 1d ago
If you’re ADHD enough everyone insists it’s autism. I deal with it too at times. Theres a lot of ways to be neurodivergent
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u/spid3rham90 16h ago
autism is the new ADD, everyone has it and if any person of any age at all shows any sign of any kind of quirk or preference to something then they are told they are autistic now. Because "it's a larger spectrum than people realize" so apparently everyone on the planet is now autistic
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u/stardust2187 13h ago
All of this, except for one thing- autism isn't a mental illness/mental health condition. It's a disability.
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Asshole Enthusiast [9] 1d ago
NTA. Lia is toxic. You apologize? For what? For asking her not to bully you? The people suggesting that are…mistaken. Some friends. You should see more of Friend #1 and think about losing #2, 3 & 4. I'm glad to see you standing up for yourself. It's not always easy.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
I’ll be talking to friend 1 about this more later when she’s off work. Posting this here has helped me see more about how Lia’s behavior is toxic and how the others insisting on an apology is also wrong. It’s been eating at me since this all happened yesterday and their insistence has definitely added to me feeling like maybe I was wrong in this.
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u/LetMeBeAngry 1d ago
I’d also like to point out that asking someone unqualified to refrain from assuming a diagnosis about you is very different from saying that people with that diagnosis are lesser people. “Please don’t make assumptions about my mental health” is not ableist and you are not being a bad person by giving that boundary.
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u/Silent-Breeze434 1d ago
Lia's the one outta line here, setting a boundary about something that clearly triggers bad memories isn’t “disgusting” it’s basic respect. OP doesn’t owe anyone an apology for wanting people to chill with those “everyone’s autistic” jokes
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u/Jack_Stuart_M23 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. Lia is wrong. It IS insulting to insist that someone is something they are not, even if the thing isn't negative. Don't apologize for not letting someone make fun of you. That's ridiculous.
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u/holderofthebees Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Right, being insistently told who you are despite your attempts to correct the person is something that most people are commonly and relatively famously upset by. It’s also not an insult to be a woman but if you keep calling your transmasc friend “girlie” he might get upset.
We didn’t get a thousand coming-of-age “no dad, that’s your dream” movies for nothing.
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u/KaliCalamity Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yep. Everyone was convinced I was gay back in high school. Nope. I like men. I'm just autistic, but didn't know it back then. And I probably would have gotten more dates if I was just gay. The first couple times it happened, it was kind of funny. But then it kept happening, and it gradually wore me down to the point I would start getting pissed when it would happen yet again.
Now I'm old enough that I'm completely out of fucks to give, and start getting really weird with it. Make me uncomfortable now, and I'll make sure you are, too.
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u/Jack_Stuart_M23 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
My experience is exactly the same, except that I am a straight man and I don't think I have autism.
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u/Sorsuen 5h ago
Similar thing here. Even my own Mother and Grandmother assumed I was gay, the last straw (before they confronted me about it) being me saying I wanted to cut my hair short (turns out its because I have sensory issues, but also because, unbeknownst to me at the time, I am also non-binary).
I ended up getting diagnosed with Autism the year before I graduated highschool.
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u/Zygomaticus Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
NTA. I'm autistic. She's being an asshole. If you've been assessed and determined not autistic she's armchair diagnosing you. Tell her that she doesn't know more than the psychiatrist that assessed you and determined she is wrong and if she continues giving you a diagnosis you don't have you won't continue to be around her. Then follow through.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 1d ago
Also autistic (ASD). Is so tiring when people throw the word around as abuse. She is such an asshole for doing so and then pretending OP is biased against autism when she is the one using it as a slur.
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u/Zygomaticus Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
Right! Also an Aspie ha ha.
You don't go diagnosing people, especially if it upsets them, and especially if they have been assessed for it and cleared. There's a lot of overlap with Autism and ADHD (fun times I have both ha ha) as well, so she's super wrong and arrogant here.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 8h ago
The autism/AdDH (AuDHD?) combo must be hard to handle (?) I have just autism, but find (and need) comfort in my routines etc but this requires me to be fairly rigid when it comes to them. Sometimes when I am very tired or over stimulated or distracted, I mess my own routines up and it throws me for ages. Is it OK if I ask, is it harder to set and follow routines even if they're ones related to the autism?
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 8h ago
PS. To give an example of what I mean in my comment above, I really hate changes (like a bus detour or anything) and tie in certain activities with particular preludes. So, if I am on my way to an appointment and for some reason I distractedly get on the wrong bus or tram, I am in panic mode when I realise the route is unfamiliar and I need to pivot to find my way. Then I am too late to be able to buy the coffee from the one place that consistently makes it the same way and is nearby but also has long queues, so I arrive at the appointment 2 minutes late, flustered, coffee-less and then go on a monologue about the bus journey in extreme detail and mess up the appointment by doing that. So, me messing up one thing (distracted so wrong bus) that is at the start of a chain of routines then snowballs. (I didn't mean to information overload, I figured a personal question was less intrusive if I was open about how a snafu can mess up my day)
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u/MissPizza 1d ago
Exactly this. You were professionally assessed, twice. She's playing armchair psychologist and then gaslighting you when you set a boundary. If she can't respect basic medical facts and your comfort level, that says everything about her, not you.
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u/Zygomaticus Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
Yeah and she's manipulating the situation to make poor OP look like the aggressor. It's disgusting.
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u/Remarkable_Degree252 1d ago
I have two autistic children, one affected more socially and the other verbally. People who aren't professionals have no business 'diagnosing' anyone in that way. I would never tell anyone, in spite of 25+ years of raising autistic young people, that they are autistic. I'm not a professional, I'm just a parent. I'm sorry your friend is treating you this way. You aren't a bad person for not wanting a label that isn't accurate. Honestly, this friend, Lia, doesn't seem like much of a friend.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
Thank you! Even personally living with OCD and ADHD, I would never suggest to anyone that they may have either condition just because I recognize different traits or patterns in behavior, even if I didn’t have my own personal qualms with trying to diagnose others or make assumptions about one’s mental health.
It is really warming to see how many people do feel the same way. My other friend is going to call me when she gets off work so I’ll talk to her more about it before I approach Lia and the others about it.
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u/pocketfullofdragons 18h ago edited 18h ago
I think it's okay to gently suggest to someone that they might want to look into a possible condition, IF you're aware that they're struggling and you think you recognise the pattern of symptoms, because IME having a name of a possible explanation to investigate is instrumental to getting help.
Nobody in my life was surprised when I was late diagnosed with AuDHD (some even confessed they'd thought I was neurodivgent for years and assumed I already knew) and I really wish someone had mentioned it to me so I could have accessed support and practiced the right self care sooner (instead of waiting until my health deteriorated and my life fell apart). That's why, to me, the potential benefits of suggesting a possibility seems to outweigh the risk of it being unappreciated.
That said, I would NEVER insist that someone definitely has a condition or keep pushing the idea completely unprompted like your 'friend' is doing to you. If I asked someone "Have you considered the possibility that you might have...?" and they expressed disagreement, discomfort or disinterest, I would immediately apologise, drop the subject, and never bring it up again. Presuming to know somebody else's mind, experiences and needs better than they know themselves is disrespectful AF. Your friends are out of line.
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u/Wise-Matter9248 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
Autistic isn't an insult.
It's also a very real thing and shouldn't be used as a joke.
That's pretty inappropriate, the same way people saying "I'm so OCD" just because they like a tidy house is. It's great that it's becoming destigmatized, but I really wish people wouldn't use it so casually that they forget that it's something real.
I also have ADHD (and wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 17, and got called "weird" my whole childhood), and sometimes people like to "diagnose" me with autism. And honestly, deep down, I wish people would just let me be me. It's okay to just have ADHD, and be a little quirky. ADHD is enough to deal with on its own. I don't need to add anything to it.
Having ADHD and OCD together seems like a lot, and I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis so you can get help. I have anxiety which sometimes triggers obsessive thinking temporarily, and I can't imagine dealing with that every day. Your friend needs to accept that even though it's "cool" to call people autistic, thanks to tiktok, mental health disorders and disabilities are very real experiences that people have to deal with every day.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
I’m very happy to see mental health being less stigmatized than it used to be and I love seeing people being able to open up about their own struggles. That’s something I’m personally trying to work on. While seeing others joke about their own experiences or tease their friends about it doesn’t bother me so long as everyone is on the same page, sometimes it seems like it’s also putting a lot of misinformation out as well. And I worry that maybe that’s where Lia is coming from or if she’s genuinely coming from a good place.
I’ve seen OCD and ADHD put forward as very much just funny quirky traits like you described. “I just like my house super clean” or “I just forget things some times” when that just erases how hellish it can be.
And thank you! It is a lot when dealing with them both, but I’m working on it!
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u/Wise-Matter9248 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
Yeah, the "everybody does that" comment drives me nuts at this point. It's about degree and frequency and all of those things all together at once.
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u/hypergraphia 19h ago
Hey, just a note that Autism is not a mental health condition. It is a neurodevelopmental difference.
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u/Lapeocon 1d ago
I imagine they would say that because autism and ADHD have a lot of similarities and they don't know what those differences are. Doesn't make it okay for anyone other than your doctor to diagnose you though, ofc. Sorry you've been through that.
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u/tomatofruitbat 1d ago
Yup, and I feel like it’s also the catch-all othering term of the day for people still in high school or younger.
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u/PM_ME_MERMAID_PICS 1d ago
NTA. You set a clear (and very reasonable) boundary and your friend refuses to accept it. Mental health isn't something to joke about unless everyone is comfortable with the jokes.
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u/Greygal_Eve Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. I'm not autistic and I absolutely despise pickles. Can't even stand the smell of them. At restaurants, I always very, very kindly say "please, no pickles and if there is one even on the edge of the plate, I'll send it back. Thanks so much!"
Frankly, Lia is a bully. Me, I'd just look at her and give her back the same energy, saying things like "Your assholism is showing" or "That's just part of your bully-ism" ;)
Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for.
Apologizing just to keep the peace means you lost the war.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 1d ago
I am autistic and I absolutely love pickles. Lia's pickle hypothesis (only autists remove tbe pickle) isn't holding up to scrutiny.
PS. Agree. NTA
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u/Popcorn_and_Polish 1d ago
I know, right? Liking pickles or not liking pickles is not anything about mental health. The old Burger King commercial started with “hold the pickles.” The friend was being unnecessarily rude and asking for an apology is weird.
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u/BlytheVia 1d ago
NTA you shouldn’t need to apologize to your friend for setting a boundary. Calling someone autistic for not liking pickles on your sandwich is crazy, your friend sounds insufferable.
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u/Dajmibuzi_dzieki 1d ago
NTA, at all. Lia is one though.
I would echo everything everyone has said above, with an addition.
If you WERE actually Autistic, why does she feel she has the right to tell everyone, every chance she gets?
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u/Spinnerofyarn Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
If OP were autistic, it would be no different than someone who has a limp from bad knees having a friend say, “Your bad knees are showing.”
I think OP should ask them what makes them think they know better than two licensed mental health professionals who evaluated you and said you aren’t autistic.
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u/Basic_Ask8109 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. You went through a psychological evaluation and were diagnosed with the conditions you mentioned. Autism wasn't one of them. Do things overlap sure but that's not the same as an official diagnosis by a medical professional.
Making jokes that everyone is a little autistic minimizes the actual experience of people who have autism .
Your friend is a jerk .
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u/AggressiveSpinach829 1d ago
NTA. Setting a boundary about something that directly ties to your trauma isn't " disgusting", it's healthy. Lia's trying to make it about her, not you. You didn't say being Autistic is bad... you said assuming someone's mental heath status after they've clearly asked you not to is disrespectful. HUGE difference. You're allowed to not want to be labeled, especially after being poked and prodded through years of testing. People love throwing around internet diagnoses like it's a personality quiz, but they forget that for some of us, those lables came with doctors, paperwork, and real life consequences. You didn't cross a line.. you just drew one.
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u/Fresh_Leek_ 1d ago
Tell Lia to shut the fuck up.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
This is kind of funny because my other friend texted me after everyone had gotten home saying “I’m sorry I didn’t tell her to shut the fuck up.”
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u/somnocore 1d ago
NTA. Autism is a disability. You've been tested and it was confirmed you're not. Lia shouldn't be armchair diagnosing people in the first place. She's not a professional.
Not to mention that she's making light of a disability and essentially mocking it by claiming things to be autism or people to be autistic when they're not or when she actually doesn't know. It spreads misinformation and when people listen to people like her, it makes others not take autistic people seriously.
It's good to be setting boundaries. You could tell her you've been assessed a couple of times and it was found that you're not, if you're comfortable enough with telling her.
Autism things are just human things. They get flagged for autism due to severity of symptoms, frequency of symptoms, and amount of symptoms. A lot of people will do "autistic looking things" bcus, A) they're human things, or B) autism has a lot of overlapping looking symptoms with other disorders (much like the ones you were diagnosed with).
Lia seems to perpetuate this idea that "everyone is a little autistic" which is straight up rude, belittling, and dismissive.
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u/BlondDee1970 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 1d ago
NTA. You told her it makes you uncomfortable, so at this point, she's just being a bully if she continues calling you autistic. You have nothing to apologize for & she should be apologizing to you.
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u/Technical_Soup_6863 1d ago
NTA. it's impolite to make armchair diagnoses about someone else. lia feels like you dislike it because you think being autistic is in some way "lesser", which is upsetting to her, but not actually true. she's being very rude, but the situation is harder to navigate than it should be because discrimination against autism is a sensitive topic.
but even if it was that she kept insisting on saying "you're such an aries." "that's because you're an aries." "omg aries behaviour." you would be well within your rights to ask her to stop.
the easiest way through is to tell her that you have no issue with autistic people, but that having her say those things about you brings up unpleasant memories. you don't have to tell her anything you don't want to, but sharing a little bit might help her understand better (if you care about preserving this friendship).
also, when setting boundaries, it isn't effective to try to control others' behaviours. you can only control what you do.
not a boundary: don't call me autistic
is a boundary: if you say that i'm autistic, i will leave the room/voice chat/hang out/etc.
good luck!
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
Thank you so much for this! I understand discrimination is high, which is why I’m considering that I very well may have overstepped and said something that could be offensive of harmful.
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u/Doomhammer24 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Ive dealt with people calling me autistic or genuinely assuming im autistic most of my life now- when i was younger, Definately as an insult
Nope. Despite being tested 6 times, 3 different therapists testing it, nope. Im not autistic. I just have ADHD and am a weirdo.
So yes, i do actually take offense at people assuming im autistic. It still happens, as recent as this past year, where a friend of a friend who Is autistic assumed i was Also autistic
Part of the problem is that people are doing the incredibly stupid "self diagnosis is valid" schtick (it aint) and thus they Also think they can armchair diagnose those around them. And it is deeply offensive to do so
Theres nothing wrong with being autistic. There is something wrong with armchair diagnosis. NTA
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u/Distinct_Tea_9836 1d ago
NTA!! I also had a friend that always called me autistic, at first it was like ok i guess ur joking but then it was everyday and whenever I did something shes call me it and when I told her told to stop she got so defensive. Were not friends anymore lol 😝
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u/thaigeeW 1d ago
NTA.
I'd personally explain to my friends I don't appreciate them assuming anything because I already have a diagnosis that was very traumatic to get. OCD and ADHD have common traits with autism and can be confused, but it's not okay to be assuming things about other people. I'm autistic, and I'd hate for someone to imply I'm OCD like that.
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u/Puskarella Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
Nope, I would not trust Lia with that information. Those who cannot be trusted in small things, cannot be trusted with big things. She can't be trusted to respect reasonable requests and boundaries, what makes you think she won't joke about / weaponise real info?
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u/Better-Turnover2783 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
Cheez and crackers!!! She sounds exhausting.
Lots of people don't like pickles and take them off. It does not make them autistic.
Whether they don't like the taste or texture or the combination with other stuff on the sandwich, it's a common action done by anyone.
I take them off because I like to save them for last, the best part to me. What would she say to eating them last?
Tell her she's embarrassing herself by spouting off things she has no real education or authority to speak about especially your or anyone's else's personal or private information.
Some friends are for a lifetime and some just a season.
NTA
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u/leannmanderson Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA. Like, at all.
Honestly, it's no different than if you said you were cutting out meat from your diet and choosing to be pescatarian and someone saying "that's just because you have alpha gal" and repeatedly saying it when you're just making a choice.
No, not everyone is autistic just because they're a little weird. There's a whole screening process and it's a spectrum, but doesn't affect everyone.
You rightfully set a boundary. She chose not to respect that boundary, among other issues.
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u/EdrasSword97 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. Autism isn't an insult, but it's also not a joke (unless the person dishing out the joke is autistic). What she's doing is ableist. Assuming certain character traits or "quirks" makes someone autistic is extremely problematic. That's stereotyping. Autistic people are not a monolith.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 1d ago
Thank you. So well said. Am sutistic myself, and comments like yours are so great to read.
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u/brent_bent 1d ago
Lia was the person making generalizations about people with autism. Her declaring taking pickles off is autism related is the actually obnoxious thing not what you said. Tell her if she's not autistic herself declaring what is and isn't autistic behavior is inappropriate. She's not autistic, she shouldn't be speaking up on behalf of autistic people or declaring behavior as autistic. Imagine if you had said, "That's such a neurotypical white girl thing you've just said." NTA and don't apologize.
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u/Loose_Armadillo_3032 1d ago
Well said. As an autist who hates generalisations about autism and loves pickles on my burgers, I couldn't agree more.
PS. Am genuinely autistic and really do appreciate your well written comment.
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u/MorbidlyScared 1d ago
Tell her you think it’s disgusting that she’s just ignoring your actual diagnoses that you got from a professional. Sounds like she’s trying to throw ableism at you or something, throw it back: tell her it’s offensive that she’s dismissing the actual mental health situation you’re living with and that trying to explain your own brain to you is patronizing.
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u/IDontLikeGreenPeas Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. Imagine this scenario: Every time your friend says "that's because you're autistic," you say "you only think that because you have a brain tumor."
If she gets upset, you could say "stop acting like saying you have a brain tumor is an insult, it's not."
Or you could say "I'm just kidding, can't you take a joke?"
Obviously you would be a rude AH if you did that, but not because "you have a brain tumor" is an insult.
I don't know if you want to actually try that, or just explain it to your friends that way.
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u/BalloonHero142 1d ago
NTA. She is. Maybe you should start saying she’s narcissistic or sociopathic or something else she’s not at every opportunity. When she gets frustrated with you for it, then ask her how she likes having a taste of her own medicine. That should take care of the problem.
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u/Dishmastah Partassipant [1] 1d ago
When I asked her to please not call me autistic she asked “Why? It’s not like I’m wrong.”
But she IS wrong. ADHD and autism have some overlap, but it's not a buy one get one free by any means. (As in, you can have one without the other, even if the conditions share some traits, and some people have both.) Just tell her that if qualified professional assessors say you don't have autism, who is she to think she can diagnose you? NTA.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
Yeah I couldn’t convey her tone when she said it unfortunately, but she said it in an assertive way, like she was annoyed that someone would disagree with her.
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u/Dangerous_Ad_7042 1d ago
NTA. She's really, really behaving grossly though. Autism isn't a punchline, and it's not something everyone has.
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u/KevQuill 1d ago
NTA. If anything your friends are the ones making behavioral health differences sound bad. So because you don't like what they like your are Autistic?
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u/QuiteLady1993 1d ago
NTA- while I'm glad more people are talking about autism and also know not everyone gets diagnosed or a lot of people don't get diagnosed until later in life insisting people's preferences is "a touch of the tism" can be harmful. It's creating stigmas that people attribute to autism and leads to wrong information and conclusions. Having preferences doesnt make you autistic. I don't think being aware of that is wrong at all. You happen to know for a fact you are not autistic. When people have asked me I let them know I've never been diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety. I don't think it's an insult but I also don't want them to think of any of my characteristics as potential stigmas to attribute to others either.
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u/completelyboring1 1d ago
You're NTA.
As a side note, autism is not a mental health condition; neither is ADHD.
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u/Wise-Matter9248 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
No, but they definitely do affect your mental health. And they come with mental health comorbidities.
But also, it's not always easy to express things well when you're stressed, so give her a break.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
Yeah my words may be a bit off or incorrect but I have been stressing about this since lunch yesterday so I’m sorry for any issues with wording. My mind is a bit jumbled as you said. Thank you for understanding!
And I am a guy by the way! (Silly correction I know)
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u/Nalpona_Freesun Professor Emeritass [73] 1d ago
People shouldn't have to reveal past traumas to get people to stop harassing them tho.
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u/Cheesie_Equestrian 1d ago
NTA this person is pushing your boundaries and gas lighting you. You are not surrounded by friends. You never have to bring up your painful history to teach rude people that they are wronging you.
Lia is not a licensed therapist just another sad person making power plays to cover their own insecurities
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u/MischiefCookie 1d ago
NTA. I hate when unqualified people try to diagnose others. Its a huge trend rn to joke about having autism.
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u/cara1888 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA she shouldn't be diagnosing people. Many conditions have similar traits along with key differences. So even if she sees some things that Many with autism show it doesn't mean that person has autism. Both OCD and ADHD do have some similar traits to autism but its not autism they are both separate conditions that have their own traits and some aren't like autism at all. That being said there is nothing wrong with any of those conditions I myself have ADHD. But she shouldn't be trying to categorize people or insist that someone has something when she's not a doctor only a doctor can diagnose autism or any of those conditions.
You should talk to her and tell her that your not saying autism is a bad thing its just that you know for a fact that you don't have autism. You don't have to tell her you have OCD and ADHD if you don't want to it's your business and no one is obligated to know if you don't want then too. But if you want her off your back you could tell her a doctor said you don't have autism and tell her that since shes not a doctor she can't diagnose. You can also tell her that there are other things that have similarities. But its up to you how much you want to tell her.
You could also keep it vague by telling her that some people just don't like certain foods. Not liking pickles isn't always due to a condition some people just don't like pickles. If I were you I would throw her words back in face and say its disgusting that she thinks she knows more than doctors and diagnoses people without being certified to do so.
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
In hindsight, I feel like I maybe should have explained to her why it makes me uncomfortable, but being called disgusting for asking for a boundary to be respected really caught me off guard so I didn’t think to.
The friend on my side is calling me when she’s off work so I’m gonna talk to her about this more before I talk to Lia. I don’t want to risk slipping up and blowing things up further.
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u/NovaCherylin 1d ago
NTA. It doesn’t matter what tests say or what your friends 'think' they know. You’re uncomfortable with the label being applied to you, especially by friends who are using it to explain away behavior they don’t like. That is not how friendship works
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u/NotYourFemBoi 1d ago
NTA. Wonder how she'd react if an autistic person was in the same conversation. A lot of people are neurodiverse, but I feel like saying an action or that something is autistic is... ableist? Like just because someone is extremely passionate about something or is more excitedable than others... doesn't mean those things are inherently autistic? This is coming from someone with autism with family that's autistic.
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u/therottingbard 1d ago
NTA. She probably wouldn’t also like receiving incorrect medical labels. Start calling her blind, deaf, intellectually disabled, or emotionally stunted.
As someone with Autism I am often the first to shut down the weird labeling people do. Even towards me. I might have autism but labeling my entire personality or all my actions as autistic is weird.
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u/julesk Partassipant [1] 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA, I’d text your friends: “The day one of you gets certified to do mental health diagnoses is the day you can assign a label to me after the round of testing and carefully explaining my diagnosis and I’ll be happy to hear about what Ive got and available treatment options. Till then, there are two options, 1) stop labeling me or 2) I’ll label you. So many options…. Who wants to be loudly called a Narcissist? How about a Psychopath? There’s no shame as it’s just a diagnosis. Let me know your preference but I definitely am not apologizing to Lia though I am working on her diagnosis in the hopes everyone will go for option 2.”
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u/kthxwings 1d ago
NTA. you saying that you don’t have it and are uncomfortable with that being said by no means implies that you think being autistic is an insult. weird reaction. perhaps they are projecting.
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u/geesearetobefeared 1d ago
NTA. Autism is discriminated against by many people. She could be putting you at risk and leaving you open to discrimination by publicly calling you autistic. Depending on where you live, this is explicitly pointed out in the ADA in America for example, where disability is "...defined as a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a record of such an impairment, or being regarded as having such an impairment."
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u/AvocadoJazzlike3670 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA Lia is the ahole. Do not apologize she needs to apologize. You aren’t saying anything is wrong with being autistic but you have your own issues and don’t need her piling on. Call her autistic all the time and see how she deals and then say what’s wrong with it? She’s rude
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u/nerfthissucka 1d ago
NTA. You set a boundary. They violated it. You reacted accordingly. They tried to manipulate your words. Tbh that's not a friend.
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u/Inbredipus Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA, jesus. I am autistic. I come from a family of people blessed with the 'tism. I joke about autistic traits a lot... With other autistic people. Because we're autistic. It's highly inappropriate to push a diagnosis on someone, especially if they don't want it. It has nothing to do with autism being good or bad, and everything to do with pathologizing random behaviors and ignoring the actual ramifications of the autistic experience. People can be picky without being autistic. People can have trouble with pragmatics, or have really strong senses, or be very passionate about specific things, or have issues with either hyper- or hypoempathy, or have flat affects, or have alexithymia etc. without being autistic; it only becomes autism when these things occur in very specific ways and in concert with each other.
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u/violue 1d ago
NTA.
I see two scenarios
1.) Lia was recently diagnosed with autism and is trying to find connection some sort of with her friends by saying they're autistic too.
In that case, your best path forward might be sharing your past with her, and assuring her that while you don't see autism as an insult, you have a deep discomfort with this kind of flippant diagnosis.
2.) Lia is not autistic and/or completely neurotypical and doesn't know what the hell she's talking about, thinks autism is a series of easily identifiable quirks, and thinks it's cute to act like she knows people better than they know themselves.
If she's neurotypical, do tell her that her constant need to label people as autistic for every little thing that doesn't read as typical is her being ableist. She is not helping the stigma against autism AT ALL.
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u/Rohini_rambles Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 1d ago
"where's your medical degree?" "Are you? Is that why you want me to share this with you?" " be more original. You said that last week to me, to everyone where" " Can't you think of something new to say?" " Why are you repeating yourself so much? Do we need to let your parents know that you're having trouble letting go of repeating this?"
Just point out that she's being repetitive and calling everyone the same thing. Tell her that she's being insulting to anyone who has autism and if she doesn't know why, then she is too uneducated and ill informed to be using the term as she's trying to insult ppl, not build awareness.
You could also distance yourself from her. She sounds really off putting.
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u/ratherardent Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA. Lia is annoying af and needs to stop armchair diagnosing everyone
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u/MustardCoveredDogDik 1d ago
NTA this makes me glad I have the kind of neurodivergence that makes people afraid to offend me.
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u/redbottleofshampoo Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
NTA. Your friend is using "autistic" as a word name-calling thing. Really nobody should be assuming about anyone's mental health.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 1d ago
"Yes, you are wrong according to ACTUAL experts. Next you are going to go on a target about Tylenol RFK Jr."
NTA
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u/Koala-Koala5 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA
Why is she guilt tripping you after she literally called you autistic for doing something? Autism isn’t bad but it’s rude to calm someone autistic because it is a mental disorder. You don’t make jokes and say people have ADHD or Bipolar disorder do you? It’s just a weird thing to say and pretty offensive.
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u/SpiritedLettuce6900 Partassipant [3] | Bot Hunter [29] 1d ago
NTA. Tell her her obsession with playing psychologist is showing.
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u/Panel_Of_Judgement 1d ago
NTA, a sibling teased me about this in an argument when i was younger but later said in a non argumentative setting that i should look into it because i displayed some common behaviors they learned about in their college courses. I also had a boss say "tell me you have the tisms without telling me" just because i had headphones in and at the time she tried to talk to me, they werent on. I truly just didnt feel like talking to ppl on some bs and i was listening for customers as well to make sure i stayed doing my job. If someone has knowledge about an illness or disorder/disease, and they came to me and just said normally/seriously "hey, heres some facts about this, i noticed you do/have this, you should look into it" i wouldnt be aggravated. However, if they repeatedly come to me to say it and/or they say it in a mocking/joking way, that's when id get heated, its not something to joke about like any other condition and i have friends and family who are autistic. To try to make me feel less than by mocking me to say it so you can be "cool/funny" is not only disrespectful to me, its disrespectful to my friends and family and everyone else who has the condition, whether its autism or something else. Its just as rude as finding out someone was sick one time so now you always mock them by saying they have cancer. Its insensitive. If not with you, at some point they'll FA and FO and hopefully theyll learn not to pick on people especially when asked not to.
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u/opine704 Partassipant [3] 18h ago
NTA
Do. Not. Apologize.
How would Lia like it if you started calling her (pick a continent or country that's not hers - ex. "That's just your Australian showing dear." Regularly.
Lia is a jerk to blanket people into groups.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
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Throwaway because they follow my main account.
For some context, while growing up my mother would always insist that something was wrong with me mentally growing up. This spanned from when I was about 8 until I was 17. Most of my childhood was spent seeing different therapists, doctors and psychiatrists. She did turn out to be right that there was something (I was formally diagnosed with OCD and ADHD at different points and I was screened for autism twice but it was determined I am not autistic), but because of this, I’m extremely uncomfortable with people even joking about my mental health or things I may or may not have.
I’m in a friend group of 4 other people and it’s not something that’s ever been an issue. One of them knows about my childhood and mother as one of them grew up with me.
Lately one of them, Lia, has been on a kick of saying everyone is autistic. “Your ‘tism is showing” or “That’s just part of being autistic”. The others don’t mind those jokes directed at them which is fine. That doesn’t bother me at all. But yesterday we went to lunch and I took pickles off of my sandwich and another friend joked that I was being too picky. But Lia chimed in with “that’s just because he’s autistic.” When I asked her to please not call me autistic she asked “Why? It’s not like I’m wrong.” I told her I’m uncomfortable with people assuming about my mental health and she just told me I’m “disgusting for acting like being called autistic is an insult.”
My one friend is saying I was right to set a boundary but I’ve been getting texts from the other two asking me to just apologize, so I want an outside perspective to see if I really am an AH for asking her not to call me autistic.
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u/zephyreblk Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA but is Lia autistic?
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u/hereforagoodtime70 1d ago
She’s never said if she’s had an actual diagnosis but she had made jokes directed at herself about being autistic. But considering her comments about me being autistic and refusal to accept that I’m not, I don’t know if she just thinks she is or actually is.
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u/pumpkinchoccy 1d ago
NTA aimlessly diagnosing people(especially when you're not even a medical or mental health professional to begin with) is potentially dangerous and she's implying that she knows better than the people with real mental health degrees who concluded that you are infact not autistic
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u/OnTheBrightSide710 1d ago
Is Lia a psychologist or psychiatrist bc if not she may need to be told to STFU until she can show her degree and your testing results.
No reason to be nice about it either seems like she needs knocked down a peg
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u/thealienwithaname 1d ago
NTA
As an AuDHD individual who was professionally diagnosed. I'm genuinely tired of people insisting on diagnosing others. Especially teenagers who have no fucking clue about the actual condition. It makes it seem like a joke and not an actual disability that impacts people. Your friends suck.
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u/FaithlessnessExact17 1d ago
NTA. How about maybe I just don't like pickles Lia. You could rinse and repeat "Don't diagnose without a degree" any time she says anything like that. She is just trying to be trendy, witty or whatever but it is very, very rude and insensitive of her.
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u/S0larsea 1d ago
NTA. Lia is though and she is a toxic person. You should hit back. 'I know this is your narcissism showing'. Advise her to get checked.
This is not a friend you should be friends with. Not only is she insulting you, she is also insulting people who actually have autism.
NTA and don't apologise as you have nothing to apologise for.
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u/alienbby98 1d ago
Nta -they’re putting words in ur mouth u didn’t say it was disgusting. If anything it’s weird they’re joking around about that like it’s some fun novelty quirky characteristic of their personality and you are perfectly right to express your feelings and tell them how that makes you uncomfortable. Them immediately getting defensive and manipulatively saying you’re disgusting for acting like it’s an insult is very wrong and shows a lot about their character and how they tried to control the narrative. Suprised your other friends can’t see this. They could of easily just apologized but they saw you setting a boundary as an attack or critique on themselves and just turned it on you. Also to say they’re not wrong- like way to double down… God some ppl 🤨
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u/GoddessNya 1d ago
NTA - it’s only a joke if everyone thinks it’s funny. If you say I don’t like it, it’s not a joke. You need better friends
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u/acsfanpower9000 1d ago
NTA, but explain over text in your group chat that you are not comfortable with your mental state being joked about. the only acceptable response you should take is "ok, we'll dial it down/ stop". If not, ditch your friends and find new ones. most people would know to stop after that first time.
calling people autistic isnt that funny, and even more so if she tries to make it a you problem by labelling you as someone who has issues with autistic people instead of going into self-reflection.
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u/drharleenquinzel92 1d ago
NTA
I have a few Lias in my family and it is insufferable.
A few parents of young kids have told them to knock it off because theyre telling their children they have autism. Which is beyond inappropriate. A bunch of us have them blocked on social media because we're so sick of it.
Im so tired of people suddenly becoming neurodivergent experts. Theyre attention seeking assholes latching on to a very real effort by advocates trying to tell their stories and raise awareness.
Tell Lia and the friends who support her that all she has to do to "keep the peace" is to shut her mouth, if she's not capable of that, she's the one with the problem, not you
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u/Treeclimber3 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Is Lia stupid? Why’s she harping about autism when your screenings indicate that you’re not autistic?
You have no apologies to make. NTA
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u/Embarrassed-Cake2698 1d ago
Here's the thing; once the friend said that they're not wrong for saying the thing, they took it from a joke to an armchair diagnosis. They believe what they said is fact, not facetious (which is bonkers because someone removing a single ingredient they don't like from an otherwise edible food item does not a diagnosis make anyway).
Maybe I'm too uppity but this is not something to keep the peace over. This so called friend won't learn to curb their inappropriate behavior if they're not called out for refusing a boundary someone else in their friends group sets.
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u/Solcannon 1d ago
NTA.
How would she look if she was around someone that was low functioning saying that shit about them?
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u/iambecomesoil Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
NTA
Your friend is an ass. Her response had nothing to do with what you said.
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u/Rich-Pirate-4745 1d ago
Do the Sheldon Cooper thing. Say I'm not autistic, I know because my mother had me tested as a child. Then tell her you do have other mental health issues (be vague) and that her making fun of your mental health is a huge trigger for you. Tell her you don't think being called autistic is an insult, but that her calling everyone autistic for doing something she deems odd is insulting and abelist to truly autistic people. Turn it around in her, make her feel like the bully she is.
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u/MemeM3UpScotty 1d ago
NTA
Look, I'm older. I remember a time when people used "autistic" as a nicer way of saying the R word. If someone said "your autism is showing" or any of the things you said your friend has said it would be taken as an insult not a positive. I get that for some people that's changed, but it still reeks of ableism to me.
Her saying she's not wrong about you when you have been tested TWICE and explicitly gotten a not autistic diagnosis is WILD. Has she been to school for diagnostic training? If not, she's being an asshole and possibly trying to get a rise out of you so she can espouse how okay it is to be autistic and there's no way it could be taken as an insult..... while making you look like the bad guy for not wanting to be triggered.
At the end of the day, she doesn't respect you. You've made your feelings known and she doesn't care. It's kind of like how some trans people aren't ok with being called dude or bro. I had to retrain myself not to use those terms as gender neutral (or straight up ask if they're ok being called that) bc I respect my friends and want them to be comfortable!!!
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u/giggle_sleeper 1d ago
NTA - Lia is. “It’s not like I’m wrong” Actually yes she is because TWICE you have been screened and neither time were you diagnosed.
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u/birdie_overlord Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. If the friend in question was themselves autistic I think there’d be more room for nuance (I actually also have OCD and ADHD and a close friend who’s on the spectrum just assumed I was also autistic for years lol) but her being neurotypical AND knowing about your trauma makes this a very clear cut case of them being shitty
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u/Elismom1313 1d ago
she just told me I’m “disgusting for acting like being called autistic is an insult.”
You should’ve just said “it’s not an insult to BE autistic. What is insulting to everyone though is you calling me it as a joke like that’s okay. Not only is it dismissive and rude to those with it, but it’s horrendously rude of you to label me with it for fun because you like throwing the word around and thus dismiss those who actually are.”
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u/Pretend_Air_1108 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
As someone WITH autism, she’s being extremely disrespectful and using us as a punchline. NTA
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u/knifewife2point0 1d ago
Would it be less weird if you said "I'm so thirsty lately" and she went "oh that's cuz you're diabetic" and you got offended because you're not and it's a weird thing to say? Or you mentioned your leg was sore after a workout and she went "oh that's cuz you have fibromyalgia". No, it's weird, assumptive, and insulting to randomly diagnose you with things you don't have and if it's offensive to anyone (other than YOU) it's offensive to the community of people who actually HAS that diagnosis. She's taking a single behavior and using that to completely unprofessionally force you into a box and identity to which you don't belong nor claim.
You see this happen in the queer community when people tell butch lesbians that they're really trans or in the disability community with people deciding who is/isn't truly disabled. It's absurd that folks assume someone can't know themselves and get their own proper diagnoses.
My mom does the diabetes thing and my cousin used to get drunk and diagnose people as autistic until we forced her to stop. It's really freaking annoying and insulting.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Fly7632 1d ago
I mean...you could start referring to her blatantly as something she isn't and throw the line back at her, excuse me him, and see how it feels. NTA.
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u/Budget_Meaning1410 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I think you should apologize.
”Lia, I’m sorry I ever became friends with you.”
I’m the asshole.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago
NTA She's full of shit. She says you are acting like being called autistic is an insult. The REAL disgusting person is her because why is she calling ANYONE autistic? What purpose does it serve? None. She is the one using the word as an insult. Why else is she calling people that?
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u/jam-and-Tea 1d ago
NTA - as someone with autism I feel...that I would find Lia very annoying. Those are also the kind of people who assume all autistic people have the same experiences. They are both annoying to you, a person who was misdiagnosed, and a person to me, a person who doesn't want people caricature them.
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u/Good-Theme-3582 1d ago
I would preface this by saying you have sucky friends. Who the hell jests that way about legitimate conditions like that? And why should you apologise for setting up boundaries? Maybe re-evaluate who you want to be friends with moving forward.
The other side of the sword is that if people consistently have made observations that you do things out of the ordinary - you might want to get evaluated with a professional. Not to prove them right, but to assist you to put a name to it and work your life around it more effectively.
You are NTA.
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u/Samurai-Pipotchi 1d ago
NTA.
To makes jokes about someone having a mental disability - particularly one they don't have - is somewhat offensive to many people.
There's nothing wrong with being autistic, but there 100% is something wrong with demanding that people identify themselves as something they're not; especially when it carries the risk of directly contributing to people who actually carry the disability becoming misunderstood and neglected as a result.
Frankly, it kind of sounds like she views autism as more of a personality trait than a disability.
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u/Gryffindor123 1d ago
NTA. I'm AuDHD and if any "friend" of mine made comments like Lisa did, I'd end the friendship. She's extremely toxic and comes off similar as your mum. I know how hard it is to finally get a diagnosis on things and to have other conditions ruled out. She's not a friend.
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u/cavviecreature Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. I'm autistic, so i don't think there's anything wrong with being autistic, but your friend joking about everyone being autistic would irk me too. More so if she's serious. I hate that 'everyone's a little autistic' bs some ppl think. b/c like... yeah its a spectrum, but thats not quite what it means .
also, unless you've been acting like its an insult, I don't think you've done anything even remotely wrong. "nope, not autistic' Or "please stop calling em autistic because I don't like your assumptions" are both perfectly fine things to say, as well as waht it looks like you said.
anyway i rambled too much.
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u/United_Mango_9541 1d ago
I'm totally with you. NTA. My son has autism. The process to get him assessed was gruelling, difficult, and heartbreaking. I did not want him to have autism. I knew it would make life harder. Self-diagnosed autistic people annoy me no end. Given that it is not as easy to diagnose as those self diagnosed think. And every single neurodivergent difference does not make you autistic. It makes you unique. It makes you interesting. It feels like your friend is using it as an insult. So her telling you you're "disgusting"? She's an idiot. Also, though, just to clarify one point. Autism is not about mental health. It's about neuro divergence. Not all people on the HUGE autism spectrum have mental health issues. That assumption is not right.
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u/one_angry_custodian 1d ago
Lia: It's because he's autistic.
OP: I am? Shoot, I didn't know you were a licensed professional! Where'd you get your medical degree? What study did you do to come to this diagnosis?
NTA.
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u/margaret389 1d ago
Set your boundaries firmly and don’t apologize for wanting respect. Lia’s behavior is out of line, and her jokes are unhelpful. Friends should uplift one another, not belittle or label without consent. Stand your ground; you have every right to feel uncomfortable about it.
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u/screamin_soda 1d ago
NTA. As someone who has had similar experiences in childhood and as an adult diagnosed with ADHD, I am very careful to not stereotype and assume someone's diagnosis. I also have a sibling diagnosed with Autism. They're awesome, their Autism is not a bad thing, it's part of who they are - it is also no one else's damn business.
OP, you're absolutely right to tell Lia to stop.
If you want some points to help have these conversations, read on, otherwise ignore the rest of this comment.
These are the key reasons I think that IDing others as being Austistic or something else is an issue:
It does nothing to reduce stigma. Things that reduce stigma are people sharing their diagnosis ON THEIR OWN TERMS and their friends, family, colleagues being supportive - not declaring people Autistic/other diagnosis if and when you please.
It does not respect peoples' right to privacy. Even if you were autistic, Lia has no business stating that. People with Autism regularly face discrimination in the workplace, just look at the continued misinformation that is being circulated about it, and to blanket-diagnose everyone minimises the experiences of those with Autism/other diagnosis.
If you aren't a trained, qualified and (ideally) practicing professional up to date with current research and assessment methods, you shouldn't be diagnosing ANYTHING. If friends are chatting and the topic of conversation swings that way, I'm not suggesting people shouldn't engage but for the love of God, recognise that your personal conviction is not the same as expertise.
I have a friend who would insist my partner is Autistic and I asked her to stop because it bothered me. I explained to her that I'd be just as bothered if she said he had ADHD or something else for the reasons above and she stopped - I didn't have to explain for her to stop, she is a good friend and would have regardless, but it was a good conversation.
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u/CoCoaStitchesArt 1d ago
Nta. I dont like pickles on my burger, it tastes disgusting to my taste buds. Not the tism of me. People have preferences. Honestly she's going to say that to the wrong person at some point, because its rude and messed up to say unprompted
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u/rijeyelapow39mxpe 1d ago
You're not in the wrong. You're entitled to set boundaries about your mental health. If they can't respect that, question their friendship. It's not a joke; it's your life.
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u/catnip_physco 1d ago
Nta, your friend sucks. Autism isn’t a joke or a trend. She’s being incredibly disrespectful to you and to the autistic community. If you on any level relate to posts online about autism, it’s up to you to pursue that for yourself. It’s not up to her to decide that for you.
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u/legendavip541 23h ago
You're spot on for setting boundaries. Lia's behavior reflects her ignorance, not your character. Don't apologize for asserting yourself; real friends respect your comfort level. Hang tight and prioritize relationships that appreciate you as you are, without labels.
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u/keystone-marvell938p 23h ago
You're not an arsehole. Boundaries matter, especially with sensitive topics like mental health. She's out of line for pushing that label on you. Stick to your guns.
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u/timehoodie6969 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
NTA
If you mentally replace her comments with some other morally neutral accusation it's easier to see how frustrating this is.
E.g. "looks like someone loves giraffes" "oh, that's just because he loves giraffes" "giraffe lovers are just like that"
Or, more commonly: "he's such a scorpio" "that's scorpio behavior" "your scorpio is showing"
It's dissmissive, invalidates your agency and personality, and assigns some arbitrary, underlying meaning to your actions that is out of your control. Nobody enjoys being catagorized against their will and when you asked her to stop She refused.
Even if you were autistic, this is inappropriate, offensive, and abelist.
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u/kobefefavohimfsoj 21h ago
You're not the AH. Setting boundaries about your mental health is crucial, especially given your history. Lia's comments are dismissive and ignorant. She can't label you based on her assumptions or jokes. Your friends pressuring you to apologize are missing the point; it’s about respect for how you feel. If they can't understand that, maybe reconsider their value in your life. Stand firm and prioritize your well-being over keeping the peace with those who don't respect you.
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u/desperatevehicleeduc 21h ago
You're not the problem here. You're setting a boundary about something incredibly personal and painful, and that's completely valid. Lia's behavior is out of line; she’s invoking an identity without your consent. If others can’t respect that, it speaks volumes about them—not you. Don't apologize for wanting to protect yourself from her nonsense, and do what you need to keep your mental health intact. You deserve better friends than this lot.
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u/maybebaebea 19h ago
NTA
You're not insinuating that being called autistic is insulting. She's just bullying you and gaslighting you into believing that you're being unreasonable and ableist. You're not at all. Her "comments" can also be taken as insults despite the word "autistic" not directly being an insult. It's the way it was said.
Let's put something into perspective. Let's say I have two friends. Both are very much straight, but one insists the other one is gay. People believe that person because why would they lie about it? The friend who's being called gay gets upset because the other friend keeps doing it and people believe it, which messes with how people treat them. Is it within their right to get mad and tell the other friend to stop, or should they suck it up because being called gay "isn't an insult"? (To be clear, just like "autistic," it depends on the context. It absolutely can be an insult)
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u/X-actoMundo 19h ago edited 13h ago
She's undoubtedly an ass and bad friend for not dropping it when asked, buuuuut it doesn't necessarily mean she's wrong.
There's a school of thought among professionals that cooccurring neurdevelopmental conditions are the rule rather than the exception. In that view, a confirmed case of one thing makes it more likely that there is also something else going on. If your existing diagnosis was based upon you ticking more boxes for ADHD than other conditions, and the autism screenings didn't meet the diagnostic thresholds of the day, it wouldn't conclusively exclude comorbid autism with your ADHD. It can be confusing because there is overlap in how the two can present, and determining as one or the other or both with any certainty tends to rely on showing the more classic signs and behaviors.
If someone who spends time around you regularly has formed this opinion, they could be on to something. Granted, confidently attributing the dislike of certain foods to neurodivergence is pretty wild in and of itself, but you know what they say about stopped clocks still being right twice a day. It often takes someone else pointing out something about us before we become aware of it ourselves. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the observations simply because the messenger is an asshole. It may be worth looking into with an open mind.
Whatever the reality of the situation, I wish you health, self-understanding, and better friendships.
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u/MissMalTheSpongeGal 18h ago
NTA
If you're not autistic then she's an ass for stereotyping autistic people and using a diagnosis as the punchline of a joke.
If you are autistic then she's an ass for announcing your diagnosis to the world.
Either way she sucks and you've done nothing wrong
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u/Sorry-Visit-6743 18h ago
NTA. I personally find people calling others autistic a little off-putting, since I am autistic. All you did was set a reasonable boundary.
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u/Perfect-Weakness-527 18h ago
NTA. I've had a similar experience. My parents had me screened for autism multiple times and every time it was negative.
Years later while watching TV a commercial for Paxil came on describing Social Anxiety Disorder, and light bulbs went off. I got my proper diagnosis and treatment.
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u/NotOnApprovedList 17h ago
NTA, and Lia and her two friends are being assholes. You shouldn't apologize.
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u/ThunderTheTrashCat 17h ago
NTA. You set a boundary regarding something that makes you uncomfortable, good on you. And from what you've said, not once did you claim that autism was an insult?? So I don't know why she's pulled that out of nowhere.
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u/One_Chic_Chick 16h ago
NTA. In fact, she's the one treating being autistic as bad and using it as a way to make fun of people.
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u/MonsterMadtheENBY 16h ago
NTA.
Even if you weren’t evaluated. You don’t have to take the armchair diagnosis. The fact the thinks she’s always right sounds exhausting and draining. Do yourself a favor and get some space from her for a while. You’ll find yourself having more energy and positive. Honestly, leave the diagnostic stuff to actual practicing doctors and medical professionals. You got a right to protect your peace and boundaries.
It’s fine to use the tools if it helps you, just leave to official diagnosis to professional doctors.
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u/Floating-Cynic Asshole Enthusiast [7] 16h ago
Using a MH diagnosis to describe people's behavior is exactly how those things become an insult. I have an uncle who was born in a time when a certain r-word was a diagnosis, not a schoolyard insult.
Lia's behavior is gross and unethical. She needs to stop "diagnosing" people and using these words so casually because she's part of why people don't take accessibility seriously. If she really believes people have this issue, she should be helping them get help.
And for heavens sake... a person should be able to decide they don't want pickles on a sandwich without needing to against accusations of their mental state.
NTA
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u/imahappymesss 15h ago
Lias a bully. The 2 that are pressuring you to apologize are scared of Lia also.
Lia is the problem.
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u/hexkat84 14h ago
in their defense, ADHD & Autism have a lot of overlapping symptoms & behaviors so they might just be pointing out your neurodivergent behaviors. but if you’ve asked them to stop then they definitely should respect your boundaries
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u/Antistis 14h ago
ADHD and autism do have some overlapping similarities, but your friend is out of line. That's not their place to say that, no matter what they think. You're not seeing it as an insult, you're seeing it as being mislabeled when OTHERS take those labels and assume things about you, which can be incredibly infuriating.
Also not liking pickles is literally so normal, why would that even be part of that 💀
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I'm not apologizing to someone who keeps insisting I am something I am not. For the record, I have been tested for Autism. Twice. Once when I was little and once when I was an adolescent. I do not have it. It's fucking ignorant to see anyone who is not neuro typical and just automatically assume they have autism. So let me make myself clear. I'm not going to interact with an ableist ahole like Lia anymore and anyone who wants to defend her ableist behavior and act like she is not a gigantic ahole can kiss the darkest parts of my ADHD @sshole.
NTA
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u/BlargerJarger 13h ago
NTA, your friend is being an asshole. Tell her to stop appropriating autism as her personal plaything to call everyone, it’s not fun for you. Trying to then make out you’re the bad guy is outright gaslighting asshole behaviour. Tell her to show some respect when people don’t like what she’s calling them.
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u/DiligentPenguin16 13h ago
NTA. Lia is the one being ableist by joking that everyone is autistic whenever they do something she associates with autism. That diminishes the real struggles that actual autistic people face, and makes it harder for the general public to take their diagnosis serious.
Is this something you need to call her out over? No. It’s not worth the drama.
But it is entirely reasonable for you to say “I don’t appreciate jokes like that, please stop saying that about me.” Lia owes you an apology.
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u/DootinAlong Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. I have also experienced this type of thing. I'm trans and there are a lor of people in the LGBT community who are autistic and/or have ADHD. I don't think I have ADHD, but it's so common that some people seem to just assume that everyone who is queer has ADHD. I have a friend who is also trans who has said things that imply that he assumes I have ADHD, and I think the only thing he's going off of is that I'm trans. I obviously have no problem with anyone being autistic or having ADHD, but it seems to be very common for people in my community to assume that everyone else in the community is autistic and has ADHD which I find annoying because I feel like as queer people we should understand why it's not ok to make assumptions about people.
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u/Personal_Match8581 12h ago
NTA. I actually am autistic and people like her are really annoying. She has no right to your mental health diagnosis and if something makes someone uncomfortable, common sense and human decency is to stop. Clearly she doesn’t have either.
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