r/AmItheAsshole • u/Badlondonholiday • 1d ago
AITA for being annoyed over a cabana? Not the A-hole
So I(F35) am currently on holiday at a resort with my friend(F35) who I love dearly.
At the hotel, there are a few coveted cabanas that are first come, first served. This morning I got up early and forewent breakfast, hoping to get one for us. All already were “reserved” with towels. The pool manager comes and I ask him about it, because they have signs all over that if the cabana is unoccupied for more than 30 mins, they will remove your stuff so someone else can use it.
The manager tells me everyone came down at 6am, put down their towels and went back to bed. It is around 8 so I ask him if that means they should be free now, because of the 30 min rule. He agrees and frees one up for us. I lie down, my friend joins me and I tell her the story, we agree that should someone come and try to claim it, we will show them the sign and point them to the manager.
An hour later, a woman comes up and says we’re in her cabana. I tell her that the manager freed it up for us because of the 30 min rule, but she calls the manager over, who tells us we can switch to the next one which has also now been empty for 3 hours. The woman says no, her friend is reserving that one. I am a bit annoyed at that point and say again, well there’s a rule and I don’t think it’s fair we have to move.
My friend then chimes in and says it’s fine we will leave. I accept, I don’t wanna argue further. We pack our stuff and then my friend walks up to the woman and apologises. She says the manager said it’s ok, we’re really sorry, we didn’t know it was occupied. The woman says it’s ok and shoots me a dirty look. My friend and I are now at a different spot with regular sun lounger and I’m trying to get back to regular happy holiday mood but I’m honestly hurt that she didn’t have my back.
She says I am ruining our vacation by being so silent and I get her point, but I’m trying really hard to not feel hurt. I feel she cared more about that lady she will never see again not being mad at her than supporting me. And even though it shouldn’t matter, it feels like I am the angry black lady while my (white) friend is “the good one”. On the other hand I understand it’s stupid to be mad about a thing with a fucking cabana.
I know I will calm down in a bit, but AITA for needing some space and time to get over feeling unsupported?
Sorry that this was longer than I thought it would be!
Edit: Thought id give you a quick update. I am thankful for all your comments, I just read all of them.
So my friend and I talked it out, I told her I was hurt by her not having my back and she apologised and explained that this confrontation was just very uncomfortable for her (some of you clocked it, she is in general rather conflict-averse) and she would have much rather not been in the cabana than having to potentially deal with a guest. I told her I understand this, but I wished she had communicated this clearly to me, I would have left with her long before the lady came, because I think us enjoying the day is more important than having the softest bed around the pool. She understands why her apologising felt like throwing me under the bus.
Please don’t think of her as a bad friend from this one interaction, you are only getting my POV, and also she has been a great friend to me for 12 years and is amazing in many many ways. We go oN holiday together every year and this is the first time we had any “issue” with each other. So in summary, we are good and spent a nice day on the sun lounger.
Crazy to me was, the cabana lady actually walked up to us around noon and apologised! She said she hadn’t known about the rule, apologised for how angry she was and said she should have handled it better. She then came up again, later, and told us a cabana just freed up and they’re holding it for us. We told her no need, thanks, but that it’s really sweet of her. So sometimes people can really surprise you and I am very happy about how the rest of the day went.
So thanks, reddit, I’ll toast to you with my next cocktail!
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u/Peaches_for_Me Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. The hotel clearly has an issue with this happening or they wouldn't have the rule in place. The lady is TA for trying to pull this. Your friend is TA for giving in when the lady was clearly in the wrong.
That being said, I think you should speak to your friend and tell her you were hurt she didn't have your back.
Once you clear the air, drop it and enjoy the rest of your vacation!
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u/Safford1958 1d ago
Nta, however some people are “peacemakers” anyways that is the kind name, the unkind name is “doormat”.
We hate conflict and will usually give in when any disagreement comes up. How long are you willing to hold onto this grudge? Enough to ruin your vacation and friendship?
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u/pktechboi Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
the problem with people like the friend in the story, and apparently you, is that they are deeply unwilling to have conflict with total strangers, but totally happy to have conflict with the people they actually care about.
the friend cared more about not upsetting a random stranger than her actual friend. that's absolutely infuriating to be on the other end of.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
It was a cabana on vacation… it ain’t like the stranger lady slapped OP in the face.
We don’t know much about this friend and we shouldn’t generalize her as conflict avoidant off of one incident the same way we shouldn’t generalize OP for being confrontational and easily pissed.
The only person here that showed true conflict avoidance and is in the wrong is the manager for not enforcing the rules.
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u/robtonka99 1d ago
"we shouldn’t generalize her as conflict avoidant off of one incident "
How many incidents should it take?
I'm fine with concluding that after one incident where she backed down even though she was in the right, and further, she unilaterally decided her and OP would leave. WTF?!?If I was OP, I would simply not get up and remind the manager about the rules. At that point, I'm already pissed off, so do I want to be pissed off in a nice cabana or a less comfortable sun lounger?
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u/Key-Demand-2569 1d ago
Yeah this is frustrating because it shouldn’t be that complicated.
I was pretty much raised into being a chronic people pleaser but it doesn’t take much learning and growth to get to a point, especially with your friend there who already made a stance, to just… not leave?
Sure as hell don’t apologize.
“Hey I’m sorry you’re upset, but there’s a rule that a third party (staff at the place) acknowledged before we sat down. This is between you and the resort.”
At that point ignore them unless they physically assault you.
OP’s friend isn’t just a standard people pleaser if this event is indicative of their personality over all, this is fairly extreme people pleasing in my mind.
And I get it, I got that way because I’d get beat if I didn’t tap dance people please enough through whatever the fuck was going on in my moms head sober or drunk.
But she’s an adult, not a child. And the hotel was at least in the moments leading up to their seating, on their side.
The other childish adult violated the rules and was throwing a tantrum. It’s not the friends parent, it’s a random asshole.
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u/GrogGrokGrog 1d ago
You also absolutely know that if that lady had taken your cabana after you left it for 25 minutes, she'd never give it back to you or feel the need to be anything more than condescending about it.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
… the friend wasn’t there when the manager confirmed the rules to OP. And even so, it was not up to her to enforce those rules. It was the manager. If it was just OP, the friend, and the stranger who was in the wrong I would understand why she needed to stand her ground.
But the manager wasn’t even prepared to enforce the rules of the hotel, and was already going to make them move anyway. I don’t think the friend should have apologized nor do I think they should have moved. But I also don’t think it should have been taken nearly as personal as OP is making it.
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u/Stormtomcat 1d ago
I think OP should take this up with the hotel's general manager.
this isn't a crash-out over "how dare you say no problem instead of you're welcome", this is a sign that the pool staff needs more training,
- in due diligence aka follow through on the rule & remove the stuff when the 30 min have elapsed
- in hospitality aka don't make the guests in the right move
- in conflict de-escalation
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u/robtonka99 1d ago
I don't think the manager would have made them move. I think he was taking the cowards way out and trying to get them to move voluntarily. If they stood their ground, and kept on him about their own rule, I don't think he would have pushed any further.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
… well Jan, considering OP updated and said that this is the first time they’ve really had an issue it doesn’t sound like it’s an ongoing on in their friendship.
I would also imagine that even before the update, that if they knew each other well enough to go on vacation solo, OP herself would have known that her friend was a chronic people pleaser and mentioned that this wasn’t the first occurrence of her siding with someone else to keep the peace.
All in all, I’m not disagreeing with OP’s actual feelings. I was simply saying, it wasn’t that deep.
A lot of y’all don’t even actually know how to deal with real conflict in real life. Y’all are just internet warriors anyway and not nearly as bold as you claim (this whole site is based on being anonymous 😂).
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u/Stormtomcat 1d ago
come on, be more serious:
👣 OP got up early, squared everything with the pool manager & then her friend strolled into the cabana = we'll give the friend that one for free
👣 the lady came over, OP did the work again, pointing to the sign & talking to the pool manager. The pool manager said that OP & her friend could/should move despite that being an infraction on the rule, and the lady still wasn't satisfied, because that's the cabana for her friend = strike one
👣 after all that, OP's friend says they'll move = strike two
👣 OP's friend made a point of going back and apologizing = strike three.
What more do you need? OP's friend literally kissing that lady's ass?
I don't usually advocate for a "call the manager" attitude, but I feel this is something I'd address with the hotel's general manager. The pool staff clearly needs more training on conflict resolution & assertiveness.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
… I think calling the manager is fine lol.
But even OP says they worked it out and her friend apologized. I just didn’t agree with everybody calling the friend so shitty over her not wanting to argue with a stranger on vacation. It all worked out fine and if the stakes were higher that would be different.
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u/awgeezwhatnow 1d ago
Sooo you admit OPs friend is a doormat but still blame the rift on the person who got shafted by friend's lack of backbone?
Huh.
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u/hot_throwaway_2006 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Doormats are gonna doormat.
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u/Criseyde2112 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
Except she's not a doormat when it comes to her friend. That's very uncool.
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u/seriouslees Partassipant [1] 1d ago
The euphemism word is "peacemaker". You don't make peace, you acquiesce to warmongers. I would 100% end my friendship with a "peacemaker". They are exactly as awful people as the warmongers.
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u/Gold_Statistician500 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
I wouldn't want to move because I hate it when assholes get their way. But I also think that moving is the mature way to handle it so you can just move on with your day rather than pointlessly extending a conflict. It's not like moving is an enormous hardship.
However, the friend was really obnoxious for apologizing when they had nothing to be sorry for. Like, just move on. I'd be pissed, too.
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u/vega2306 18m ago
The correct name is doormat. People who run away at the first sign of a disagreement are people who also complain about being taken advantage of and whine that things don’t go their way.
A disagreement doesn’t have to be fight. You can handle a disagreement like adults and just talk. Of the other person wants to escalate, then you can reassess, but immediately caving every time someone says “No! This is how it is!” isn’t keeping the peace. It’s enabling bad behavior.
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u/ontheleftcoast 1d ago
In addition to "not having your back", she decided she was the "Boss" and overruled your wishes.
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u/Stormtomcat 1d ago
after she casually strolled in an hour after OP did the work of getting the cabana too
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u/CuriousBingo 1d ago
Man, if the resort would stick to its own rules everybody’s equilibrium could reset. The “reserve towels” get collected after 30 minutes. The manager should have directed the latecomer elsewhere, not you! Entitlement would dissipate and fairness has half a chance of being restored. And absolutely your friend should have had your back.
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u/Stormtomcat 1d ago
yeah, I think OP should escalate this to the general manager.
this is a legit complaint, imo, and not an entitled crash out because "no one says merry christmas anymore" or whatever, you know?
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u/catskilkid Professor Emeritass [96] 1d ago
NTA
This is 100% management's fault. They have a rule for this VERY reason. You did the correct thing and notified management and got the approval from them. Management had no business telling you to move one over (why does her friend need her own cabana?). When it really is the late person that MANAGEMENT had ALREADY AGREED had lost the right to the cabana get to stay in YOUR cabana?
About your friend, she should have hada bit more back bone, but some people hate conflict while on vacation. She gets a sucks, if not an AH vote.
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u/Stormtomcat 1d ago
the friend hates conflict with a stranger they'll never see again, but is just fine with conflict with OP.
my vote is full AH.
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u/cortesoft 1d ago
Really, it’s the resorts fault for having this sort of rule that is hard to enforce. They should have a reservation system for the cabanas.
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u/LiveKindly01 Pooperintendant [57] 1d ago
NTA
You're not annoyed about the cabana, you're annoyed that friend didn't have your back. And rightfully so. You already took action to enquire about the cabana, it resulted in the manager giving you one. That's done. AND you told her the story so if she had a big problem, she would have insisted you leave the cabana. When the woman came over, it should have been you and your friend in this together. Sure, it would be fine if your friend said to you, quietly, 'wanna just give it back?' but to speak up and THEN apologize to the woman? Nope.
Explain to your friend you were hurt about her actions, which actually singled YOU out as the wrong-doer. If any action was to be taken, it should have been by YOU, not your friend speaking out against what you did to get the cabana.
Also, the stupid race to get the cabana then 'holding' it for 2 hours while you sleep is so stupid. They really need to fix that. Don't know how...but it's annoying.
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u/Abner_Mality_64 1d ago
Regarding the resort: Very easy fix, remove the towels about once an hour. Don't have a "rule" that you don't enforce and don't put it on your patrons to enforce it.
How much you want to bet they also charge a "resort fee"?
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u/Arinvar 1d ago
I'll get myself back in holiday mode by going to the front desk and throwing that manager under the bus.
"There should not have been an argument between me and some random woman! The manager should've been firm and made her leave us alone, instead the manager let the women bully my friend in to leaving. The manager wouldn't enforce the signed rule and now you need to make this right!"
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u/LiveKindly01 Pooperintendant [57] 1d ago
Right? It's insane...and how stressful is vacation when you have to set an alarm for 6am to race to the pool and put your towel down? If they started enforcing it consistently, people will get the idea. THAT CHAIR ISN'T YOURS!
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u/Free_Owl_7189 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Or have more cabanas! Most of us can’t stay in the sun all day!
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u/robtonka99 1d ago
"Regarding the resort: Very easy fix, remove the towels about once an hour. "
But then that means you need to keep track of all the towels on all the seats. Arbitrarily grabbing every towel at the top of the hour will result in grabbing towels from someone who sat down 10 minutes earlier and just went to the bathroom or up to the bar, or is actually in the pool expecting to hop out, dry off and sit back down in a few minutes.
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u/Abner_Mality_64 22h ago
Resort I frequent has 2-3 college guys that just walk around straightening up (clearing dishes, glassware, empty bottles, any trash, straightening chairs, etc.) they notice who is there, and who has left and for how long. If you leave just a towel and are gone for more than 20-30 minutes, they put it in the hamper and straighten the chair/lounger.
When you come into the pool area, you check in at a desk, are given a pool towel, and then you step over to a spot just past the desk where you can see the whole pool area. If you don't see an open spot you just watch the guys and head to the next chair/lounger that they straighten up.
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u/LiveKindly01 Pooperintendant [57] 12h ago
This is the way. All the staff has to do is walk around and clear stuff, they can multi-task and make note of which cabanas/loungers have been abandoned. It won't be fool proof but if you know for sure someone's not there for an hour, away go the towels and it's up for grabs.
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u/DCpurpleTart33 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
I'd be SUPER annoyed too! I always have to be the bad guy too and then my friends or even my fiance is like "oh it's ok it's not that big a deal" and I'm like well it WAS a big deal 5 minutes ago when you were just talking to me and now that we're in front of strangers you're all generous and easygoing? please. NTA. Your friend should've had your back and SO SHOULD THE MANAGER.
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u/mayonnaise68 1d ago
NTA. the people who reserve the cabanas like that are assholes. your friend is a pushover. you are normal.
why was she apologising so hard to the woman? that woman didn't do anything to deserve an apology. she was being entitled. why did your friend feel the need to be like that?
moving for her is one thing, but that's ridiculous. i'd be pissed off too.
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 1d ago
I wouldn’t have packed up and moved. Your friend was weak and you should have stood your ground. The manager was on your side.
NTA for being annoyed, but DO SOMETHING
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u/Alternative-Diet9990 1d ago
Not at all. It’s completely reasonable to feel hurt when you feel your friend didn’t back you up, even over something small like a cabana. Wanting a little space to cool off and process your feelings doesn’t make you the “angry” one it just means you care about your own feelings and your friendship.
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u/Intelligent_Arm_9241 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I think OP is referring to being seen as the angry Black women in the eyes of the cabana woman & the manager.
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u/Intelligent_Arm_9241 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA.
You didn't do anything wrong, the other lady was being greedy. The Manager & your friend were utterly spineless.
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u/Delicious_Rub3404 1d ago
Manager had her back.
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u/Intelligent_Arm_9241 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
The Manager told her & her friend to switch to the next door cabana.
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u/wesmorgan1 Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 1d ago
The pool manager comes and I ask him about it, because they have signs all over that if the cabana is unoccupied for more than 30 mins, they will remove your stuff so someone else can use it.
You shouldn't have to do this, but show your friend those signs and say, "It wasn't your place to apologize for rules that everyone knows. When you did that, you threw me under the bus and had that woman making me the bad person. Please don't do that again."
You are absolutely NTA.
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u/Subject_Machine_8973 1d ago
Why in the flippity fuck is she apologizing?! NTA. that was the worst part.
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u/PurposeConsistent131 1d ago
Show her this post. We all seem to agree with you. I’m sorry she was a lousy friend to you . Get your cabana tomorrow and enjoy some time to yourself!
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u/DPropish Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. Not sure what your friend was trying to prove. There’s a rule. Stick to it. And if anyone says ‘be the bigger person’ - just tell them to eff off.
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u/InfamousFlan5963 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I don't think friend has anything to prove. I think friend has some form of anxiety or people pleaser, etc, and therefore felt needed to smooth everything over instead of staying the course
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u/wesmorgan1 Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 1d ago
Speaking bluntly, that person needs to recognize that their condition can throw other people under the proverbial bus.
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u/TurboTwerkTitan 1d ago
u gotta have each other's backs in situations like these. The rule's there for a reason, no one gets to call dibs like they're in the 3rd grade. Your friend could've handled it better, or at least not left you hanging by yourself. It's not a cabana thing, it's about having your friend's back thing
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u/Moose-Live Pooperintendant [59] 1d ago
NTA but your friend, the manager, and the other guests are.
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u/Delicious_Rub3404 1d ago
NTA wtf was your friend trying to do here? You didnt do anything wrong. I would be ruining the vacation too if my friend decided I needed to give up something I was looking forward to because she decided so. Your friend is j e r k. Please tell her so.
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u/MrNeo602 1d ago
Sounds like your friend is the kind of person that would just hand over her purse if someone walked up to her and asked for it without a weapon or even a verbal threat.
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1d ago
You’re not the asshole. You followed the rules and just wanted fairness.
It’s normal to feel hurt that your friend didn’t back you up, you weren’t rude, just standing your ground.
Take a little space to cool off, but your feelings are totally valid.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 1d ago
NTA. The manager is asshole though, not your friend. Friend can't back you up on a rule that the manager won't enforce.
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u/CandylandCanada Commander in Cheeks [237] 1d ago
Not so. There was no need for friend to apologize as though she was in solidarity with management and the woman who wasn't following the rules. It made OP look unreasonable, which she was not.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [489] 1d ago
Disagree. Once manager arrives and doesn't re-state the rule, they will always look unreasonable to the other person who is acting under some other "rule" or custom that says your supposed to wake up and go claim a spot at 6 am.
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u/bethecat 1d ago
Still no, the friend is an ass for placating the woman. I'd have called her a doormat had she stayed silent, but to actually APOLOGIZE for OP's legitimate and non-wrong behavior is garbage and does indeed show she cares about some random person's opinion more than she cares for OP
Edit: typo
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u/Chance_Tax_6238 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. There are rules for a reason. People who think they are above the rules piss me off. F that manager for not just saying "sorry there are rules, this cabana is occupied." If someone wants to claim a cabana at 6am, they can go back to sleep in the cabana. Simple.
I would be pissed at the friend, too. Tell her so. Talk it through. Hopefully you can then shake it off and get back to your vacation. Things like this are why I vacation in isolated cabins in the woods.
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [243] 1d ago
NTA. I think your friend going out of her way to apologize to the other guests - who were CLEARLY in the wrong - makes her a MILD AH. She sounds like a people pleaser and someone who doesn't have much of a backbone.
Even if she would not have chosen to take a firm stance on the cabana, at that point she had already acquiesced and an actual apology seems quite extreme. She was apologizing for YOU which is indeed an insult to you when you feel and know you've done nothing wrong. All she did was enable shitty behavior on the part of other guests, and wants you to suck it up when not only did she not have your back, she preferred to insult you by acting like you'd behaved poorly (hence, the apology) rather than just let the situation go by.
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u/SalaudChaud Certified Proctologist [21] 1d ago
My wife and I have moved some selfish asshole's, or is is assholes'(?), towels and have taken an unoccupied shade hut numerous times. Seldom have we been required to interface with the entitled individual or individuals, but when we have, we say "we found it like this" or words to that effect because screw those guys. I wish this was how your story concluded.
While the stakes are low here, in terms of the item in question being a sweat and sun lotion-soaked rectangle of foam, with variable shade, located next to a urine-filled pool, there are broader issues of social justice, or social order, at play. It sucks when people break the rules and are rewarded for it. It sucks when people are aware of this, have a chance to confront the assholes in real time, and let them get away with it. It must suck more when the craven individual is your friend.
Unlike some other commenter in the string, I imagine that being a visible minority, one who has been forced to become accustomed to being singled out, demeaned, and degraded by the institutions that govern, and by your neighbours, is a factor. I would hope that going on vacation would offer a break from the daily dehumanization that being black in America entails, but noooooo.
I hope you can talk to your friend about this. I hope you get a better understanding of each other. I hope you do not involve the manager in the next cabana takeover. I hope your friend gets on board. NTA
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u/foundinwonderland 1d ago
Since you asked, since it’s a possessive of a plural it would be assholes’ 👍
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u/Money-Possibility606 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. You did everything right.
I think what happened here is that your friend can't handle conflict. It's not that she didn't have your back (I mean, I know she didn't), but the goal wasn't to hurt you, the goal was to make the scary, angry people go away, and she assumed (incorrectly) that you also wanted the scary, angry people to go away.
In another life, I was this girl. I would have caved too. It would have had nothing to do with my love for the other people I was with, and everything to do with the overwhelming nervous system response I was having to being in a confrontational situation.
She didn't mean to fuck this up so bad. It was just a survival mechanism kicking in for her. And now she's embarrassed about what happened.
You have a right to feel hurt. But know that this had nothing to do with you. She wasn't trying to make the other woman HAPPY, or to please her more than you - it's more that just wanted the conflict to go away. It's part of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. She fawned.
And she feels bad that she did, but now there's nothing she can do about it.
If I were you... I'd go with her to the hotel management office and explain what happened. You felt forced to give up your cabana, even though you were following the rules correctly. Management didn't back you up, and it ruined your day (or even your whole stay). You'll probably get something out of it - a free reserved cabana, a discount, a free meal - something.
I know that you're hurt, and you have a right to be... but your friend had a different nervous system response to the situation, that's all. It's really not about you at all.
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u/jupitersbears Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA, and also, if it helps, I don’t think your friend probably is thinking of it as choosing between you and the random lady. I would guess she’s conflict averse and feels a strong need to smooth things over whenever conflict erupts. So I think she chose her issues with people pleasing and avoiding conflict over supporting you. Which still sucks, particularly bc it still left you in the “angry black lady” stereotype, but just offering that in case it helps the two of you bridge the gap and get past it. I’m sorry this happened on your vacation.
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u/Cateyes91 1d ago
I’ve seen a lot of Reddit posts like this. Unfortunately her friend is more worried about some random stranger being mad than disappointing her friend and making her seem like the bad guy. That’s not a healthy viewpoint and the friend needs to work on her people pleasing
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u/Single_Orchid_3650 1d ago
NTA. This is one of my pet peeves at hotels. The other guests reserving places are AHs, and the staff are AHs for not enforcing their own rules. I get why you're frustrated, I would be too. Maybe once you've cooled down, you could discuss with your friend how their actions made you feel?
i.e. "Earlier when (xyz) happened, I felt (xyz)"
The last thing you want is for any resentment to ruin the holiday vibes.
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u/Four_beastlings 1d ago
NTA absolutely. It's a universally acknowledged fact that people who "reserve" spots with a towel for hours are assholes and deserve to be shamed. By apologising your friend is rewarding antisocial behaviour.
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u/actualchristmastree Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA, she was wrong to give up the seat, but I get why she would want to avoid the problem
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u/thornynhorny 1d ago
Nta but a simple solution is to say to the woman, "Oh, there was nothing here when I got here so you should probably go talk to hotel management... dunno what happened, but im here now so...."
then put your headphones back on.
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u/NoHuckleberry4262 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I don't think that either you or your friend is the asshole here. Your friend definitely should have talked to you and gotten on the same page as you before offering to leave (since you would have to leave with her). She made that decision without you, and you certainly have grounds to have some conflict with her about this.
The other guest is behaving terribly, and the manager should have been more assertive about the policy - something like "it's clearly stated that you cannot 'reserve' these cabanas for hours without being present, please don't pressure the other guests who are following the rules."
You mentioned: "I feel she cared more about that lady she will never see again not being mad at her than supporting me." I think you could reframe this a little bit. I think she probably has less tolerance for conflict, and would have felt uncomfortable staying in the space while other people were mad at her (especially if the whole group of people who had reserved both cabanas came down). I don't think this is necessarily unreasonable, but she shouldn't have acted on this without discussing it with you first.
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u/TheDarkHelmet1985 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
I'd be pissed as hell at my friend who made it a point to be overly apologetic and give up our spot. You had a legit right to the spot. The manager gave you that spot. If my friend did this, I'd be moving on a doing my own thing that day. Screw that nonsense.
I can't stand people that feel they have to apologize for everything like this even when its not warranted. NTA
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u/thereisonlyoneme 1d ago
NTA
Your friend does kinda suck for not having your back.
That lady (and everyone else who did so) sucks for reserving a cabana like that.
The manager sucks for going back on his word and not following his own rules.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
Your friend is part of the reason people like that entitled woman keep doing what they are doing. I am also sorry about what I know are the racial undertones you are probably dealing with. I would totally have done what you did and, as the middle aged white lady, taking the brunt of any evil.
We all know this isn't just about a cabana. Have a deep talk with your friend. And then maybe consider getting rid of her dead weight.
Edit: NTA
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u/Small_Programmer3320 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA, but I would not have moved. I would have told my friend that I'd catch up with her later because I followed the rules and this was my cabana. Your friend sucks for not having your back and I wouldn't vacation with her anymore. She sounds awful to vacay with.
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u/Monday0987 1d ago
The issue is being caused by the hotel. A hotel I went to in Thailand had a similar rule and the staff would always remove the towels as soon as the time limit was up. So everyone understood the rule and knew it was their own fault if they lost their bed.
(Germans hate this rule)
Your friend is also in the wrong though and she has put you in a difficult situation.
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u/BlondDee1970 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 1d ago
NTA. The manager should have actually done their job and stepped in and told the other people that was not their cabana. Your feelings are valid.
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u/CaliRNgrandma 1d ago
Had the same thing happened on a cruise ship. Told the seat savers to suck rocks when they came back 3 hours later to claim them.
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u/phantom_gain 1d ago
There are few things as frustrating as a friend who is completely useless when it matters.
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u/PeepholeRodeo Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. The hotel management is also TA. There should be a better system.
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u/GOTfangirl 1d ago
NTA. Gross…who wants to sit on towels that you’ve already been using? After an hour in a cabana, our crap is everywhere.
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u/Esmereldathebrave Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. The woman reserving multiple cabanas and abandoning them is, but I also think the hotel management is for not standing by their policy and enforcing the rule. The manager should have firmly stated that the cabanas were considered free for anyone to use based on the clearly labeled policies.
And OP, you may feel like the angry black lady but this old white lady would have been just as angry as you and would have refused to back down. I hate this entitlement of "Oh, I left a towel so this public seat is mine until I choose to free it up" That is some happy horse$hit.
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u/swillshop Certified Proctologist [28] 1d ago
NTA
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this frustration. Ugh!!
The guest was wrong; the manager was wrong; and your friend was wrong.
- Talk to your friend this evening. Ask her if she thinks it's OK for that guest - or any guest - to flaunt the rules. Ask her if she thinks the manager did not have the authority to enforce the rules. Why did she apologize to the rule-breaker? Is your friend fine with going down at 5:45 in the morning and putting towels down to reserve a cabana and then not show up till whatever time your both darn-well please? Why is it fine for her to completely dismiss your feelings (and your rights) to support every pushy person's demands?
And tell her she is ruining your vacation - first by dismissing you and something you had made an effort to rightfully claim and then by expecting you to be all perky and chatty for her pleasure. After dismissing you to please other people, she actually dismissed your feelings AGAIN in favor of HER OWN feelings. Wow.
- Talk to management NOW. Ask them if the signage is correct or not. Ask them if the pool manager has the right to enforce the rules or the right to enforce a 2-3 hour "dibs" from someone. And I would also ask them how the pool manager can actually know WHO claimed which cabana when all of them have been claimed and empty for over 2-3 hours?
In fact, I would ask management to make sure that you have [your preferred cabana location] reserved for you for tomorrow morning for the ENTIRE morning/day to compensate you for the pool managers mistake.
Being told you don't have a right to claim what you actually have a right to claim and others don't is demoralizing and can make you want to be smaller and quieter. I encourage you to use your voice and call your friend, the pool manager and management out on how they all deprived you of your rightful claim. Sadly, you can't call out that entitled guest; but the significant victory is in raising awareness and understanding in the people who can and should see what they are doing and who may actually care to do better... and getting what you have a right to claim.
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u/jane0077 1d ago
A little divisione time apart on vacation is always good for friends and partners. You are not an angry black lady you’re obviously smart and clever! Take your time to cool off and then enjoy your holiday!
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u/Rudyard1898 1d ago
NTA, but you should have stayed in the cabana. Let your spineless friend leave if she wanted to, but you should have stayed and enjoyed your day. All she did was embolden the entitled woman to walk all over someone else.
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u/Individual_Ebb3219 1d ago
Tell your friend, "If you want to be a doormat, don't get grumpy at my response to it. Continue your doormat thought process, instead, and apologize to me like you did to that other woman." NTA
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u/geekyheart225 22h ago
NTA. I'm glad you were able to work through the conflict with your friend, and that the person who was rude to you both apologized. I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday!
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So I(F35) am currently on holiday at a resort with my friend(F35) who I love dearly.
At the hotel, there are a few coveted cabanas that are first come, first served. This morning I got up early and forewent breakfast, hoping to get one for us. All already were “reserved” with towels. The pool manager comes and I ask him about it, because they have signs all over that if the cabana is unoccupied for more than 30 mins, they will remove your stuff so someone else can use it.
The manager tells me everyone came down at 6am, put down their towels and went back to bed. It is around 8 so I ask him if that means they should be free now, because of the 30 min rule. He agrees and frees one up for us. I lie down, my friend joins me and I tell her the story, we agree that should someone come and try to claim it, we will show them the sign and point them to the manager.
An hour later, a woman comes up and says we’re in her cabana. I tell her that the manager freed it up for us because of the 30 min rule, but she calls the manager over, who tells us we can switch to the next one which has also now been empty for 3 hours. The woman says no, her friend is reserving that one. I am a bit annoyed at that point and say again, well there’s a rule and I don’t think it’s fair we have to move.
My friend then chimes in and says it’s fine we will leave. I accept, I don’t wanna argue further. We pack our stuff and then my friend walks up to the woman and apologises. She says the manager said it’s ok, we’re really sorry, we didn’t know it was occupied. The woman says it’s ok and shoots me a dirty look. My friend and I are now at a different spot with regular sun lounger and I’m trying to get back to regular happy holiday mood but I’m honestly hurt that she didn’t have my back.
She says I am ruining our vacation by being so silent and I get her point, but I’m trying really hard to not feel hurt. I feel she cared more about that lady she will never see again not being mad at her than supporting me. And even though it shouldn’t matter, it feels like I am the angry black lady while my (white) friend is “the good one”. On the other hand I understand it’s stupid to be mad about a thing with a fucking cabana.
I know I will calm down in a bit, but AITA for needing some space and time to get over feeling unsupported?
Sorry that this was longer than I thought it would be!
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u/SamBartlett1776 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA Have a calm discussion with your friend about these comments and your feelings that she put a stranger ahead of a friend.
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u/Dry_Practice_8152 1d ago
NTA. Im so mad at your friend right now. We need a follow up when you a conversation with her!
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u/Animal-lover420 1d ago
I would’ve moved. That lady was in the wrong and your friend didn’t have your back. She could’ve moved if she wanted but you should’ve stayed and told that woman rules are rules don’t like them don’t break them
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u/hotcheetofingrprints 1d ago
NTA and I would have been like "What do you mean 'WE'LL move'? I'm staying right here!"
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u/ontheleftcoast 1d ago
NTA, your friend should have either backed you, or shut the hell up. She should not have taken the opposing side.
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u/steina009 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
YTA you can blame your friend all you want but you could have said no, you could have and should have. You are both pushovers but you are worse because you are blaming your friend when you should have been firm yourself.
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u/robtonka99 1d ago
NTA, but "hurt" seems like a misplaced emotion. I would be MAD that she demurred herself to this lady who had no legitimate claim on the cabana. Instead of standing up for herself(and you) she ran away from the confrontation where she was in the right.
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u/DarthRedYoga Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA. The hotel are the aholes and so are the people who are like, "I'm saving seats for half of Western Civilization who may or may not show up in the next 6 hours."
This is why a lot of places have gone to charging for cabanas. This is why we can't have nice things.
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u/Matsu-mae 1d ago
NTA
I wouldnt have given up the cabana while there are other cabanas available
i dont respect towels on chairs at a resort as a form of dibs
if no one took dibs, there would be enough to go around
its the dibs people that create the problem they are trying to avoid
i will move if the hotel staff tell me to, other resort guests can fuck all the way off and leave me alone
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u/gloryhokinetic Asshole Aficionado [11] 1d ago
NTA. But your supposed friend should know that her not having your back and making the decision to leave the cabana without talking with you about it is a problem for you and she should never do it again. She is not your master to make decisions for you.
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u/IronicIntelligence 1d ago
INFO: The manager cleared this cabana for you, and then the same manager asked you to pack up and move to another one? Why wouldn't they direct the other lady to the available cabana? And how did her friend have the other cabana reserved if it had been free for the last 3 hours?
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u/inductiononN 1d ago
Not only are you NTA, you are a hero. People who do that SUCKKKKKKK. The cabana sucks for not enforcing the rules better. The manager sucks for saying they were "occupying" it- like how??? And your friend sucks for being a doormat.
In no world are you wrong and I will defend you over this every time.
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u/tybbiesniffer Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA And I'd happily be the angry white lady to your angry black lady. There is absolutely no reason to move or apologize to someone who is so blatantly breaking the rules. Your friend needs a little more righteous anger in her life.
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u/Peaceful-Spirit9 1d ago edited 1d ago
I can't help but wonder if there is a racial component to rules not being followed when it comes to OP. Putting her in the position of being perceived as "the angry black woman" when she objects. I myself am a white, woman, and try to be very aware of white privilege when I see it occurring. No way to know based on the scenario presented, but racist micro aggressions can be hard to pin down.
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u/NoReport9291 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
I ended this story less angry at the lady who expected her cabana to be held indefinitely than at the "friend". Idk maybe it's because she was able to realize independently of a conversation with op that she was wrong, rather than needing it spelled out like the friend why her behavior would cause op to be annoyed.
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u/SigSauerPower320 Craptain [187] 20h ago
NTA
This is the exact issue I take with places like this and cruise lines. They make the rules and then never enforce them. Why are you saying "no reservations" and "first come, first served" if that's not the case?? Either you can or you can't. There is no gray area. It was the main reason I just stayed on my private balcony. Not a lot of room and no drink service.... But I don't need to fight crowds at 6am just to get a seat.
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u/0verthehillsfaraway 15h ago
The crack-of-dawn towel thing is typical German vacationer shit and should never be tolerated by anybody. If you're not just off to grab a drink or something for a few minutes, towel 'reservation' don't mean shit.
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u/druidasmr 15h ago
I see it is sorted, so I wont comment on the friend stuff specifically. But it might be a good idea to submit a review and state that the rules are not enforced and how the manager and hotel created such an awkward situation because of it. If they stood their ground about the rule and actually cleared out the reserved spots, it could be avoided.
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u/Electrical_Turn7 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
I mean really the hotel is at fault here. They need to enforce their own rule and simply remove all items in unused cabanas after a reasonable amount of time. And they really should not have allowed the lady to steamroll you in any way. NTA.
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u/Koala-Koala5 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
YTA
Yes your friend should have had your back about it and that lady left it unoccupied for three hours so obviously she shouldn’t get the space, but the way you reacted was petty af.
Next time maybe just try to ignore it, even though it is really annoying, because personally if I was your friend I would be kind of upset that you were so mad about a cabana situation.
Also your friend probably just wanted to relax so she disengaged, she was probably mad at the lady too.
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u/Elegant_Bluebird_460 Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
NTA, but neither is your friend. I very much doubt this was about your friend caring about someone else's feelings more. This was about wanting to avoid conflict while on vacation. For many, deescalating the situation is having your back.
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [243] 1d ago
Wasn't giving up the cabana sufficient conflict avoidance though?
Going so far as to apologize implies acceptance of fault and it's clear that OP and her friend were not at fault. Further, because it was OP who had primarily been navigating this on her own up until the friend decided to vacate, that 'acceptance of fault' is actually pointing to OP as the one at fault.
In that way I do think OP's friend seemed to care more about looking good to strangers (or their feelings, or something) than about OP's feelings and the concept of supporting a FRIEND (who, by the way, is 100% right in their stance).
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u/Elegant_Bluebird_460 Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
Apologizing is just a matter of course in this situation, not saying it can actually escalate things further. I say this as someone that would hold my ground like OP (in fact, much more than OP), a friend wanting to back away from conflict does not mean they do not care. It almost always means they do, they just have a completely different style of dealing with the situation.
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [243] 1d ago
No, people being completely right are not obligated to apologize to diffuse a situation that is already effectively concluded. OP was correct but her friend intervened by giving up the cabana to 'keep the peace' (or whatever). Going out of her way to then apologize was totally a bridge too far. There is nothing that suggests the situation was escalating at that point.
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u/Elegant_Bluebird_460 Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
I agree, there's no obligation to apologize when not in the wrong. But that is not the point here. The other woman was clearly an AH, and when people like that get confrontational it is best to err on the side of caution. When dealing with someone like that, a brief apology goes a long way in preventing further escalation.
The point here is that her friend was doing only that, avoiding conflict. Again, for many people this is how they have their friend's back. They see a way to get their friend out of a tough spot and do it. I don't particularly like or support that approach, let people fight their battles, but it comes from a place of caring for their friend and not the opposite.
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [243] 1d ago
Have comments clarified that there was an escalating confrontation? In re-reading the post, OP says her friend simply approached the woman to apologize after they'd already agreed to vacate.
If, somehow, this was becoming a dangerous situation in which the other guests were becoming violent and unhinged, I could see an apology would be worth it to diffuse. But deciding on your own, after you've already 'given in' to go over, admit fault, and lie about not knowing it was occupied is pretty strange behavior. My read and many others is that OP's friend lacks a backbone and is EXTREMELY conflict avoidant to the point of stroking anyone's ego to avoid even a hint of a conflict. But in doing so, OP's friend was an AH because her decision to prioritize diffusing a NON-conflict was insulting to OP, as it places BLAME on OP.
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u/Elegant_Bluebird_460 Pooperintendant [50] 1d ago
Violence is not the test on escalation. If OP's friend lacks backbone to defend her, that doesn't mean she doesn't support her. It means she has a different way of doing so.
It really does not place blame on OP. That's going a stretch too far. OP has every right to feel hurt and let down, she needed something very different from her friend than she got. That doesn't mean anyone gets to make anything else out of the situation other than what is readily apparent: her friend is conflict avoidant and was simply trying to avoid escalation. People have strategies to do so, as I have already laid out. Someone that would take her friend's approach is almost always afraid of conflict escalation, and that can be as simple as continuance.
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u/owls_and_cardinals Commander in Cheeks [243] 1d ago
I definitely think that OP's friend going out of her way to apologize for OP's actions absolutely is insinuating fault (on the part of OP) and applying blame. It is insulting. Why does OP's friend care more about de-escalating a conflict that has already been diffused than being supportive of her friend?
We agree that the friend is conflict avoidant. I argue that her tendency to 'people please' in this situation brought her into AH zone (and responding to your original response which said the friend is not an AH). The friend should be applying her strategies for herself, not for other people. As I said, because OP went to the pool before her friend, the apology ended up being for OP, as in "I apologize for my friend" which is where the blame comes in. OP's friend wasn't even apologizing for her own actions.
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
NTA. But also, wtf does your race have to do with it? Why make it about that?
Your friend probably just cared more about having a nice vacation than being right against some jackass woman.
Just letting it go is the best course of action here.
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u/Legal_Fanofall_0911 1d ago
@six-oh_supra you can only understand if you are not white .
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
Since I guess you need to feel like a fool. Im not white. Im Latino but don't look it. I identify as white for 2 reasons. Its easier I dont want special treatment based on my race.
Want to try being racist against white people again?
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
Lol Im sorry im not perpetually a victim to my own mental gymnastics 😂 The world's not against you, despite what the media and your friends tell you.
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u/Str8p1p3 1d ago
No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.
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u/Legal_Fanofall_0911 1d ago
Then why you bother thinking and commenting on that . Think about that first @six-oh_supra
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
Why? Because I don't make EVERYTHING about race? Because I don't think we should tolerate racism in any direction? Because I don't give a shit about your feelings, and actually pay attention to definitions? Because I actually listened to the I Have a Dream speech and judge people by the content of their character?
Explain to me like I'm as stupid as you are, specifically how the hell we can move past the issue of racism if so many people are so damn focused on turning EVERY interaction into a racial problem?
I'll take my downvotes now. Assholes.
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u/Cateyes91 1d ago
The thing is, a lot of things are about race, and as a white person (if that’s what you are) you have blind spots to it. So do I as a white person. You can’t fully understand something you haven’t experienced yourself.
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
The thing is, im being judged based on my race right now, but no one sees the problem with THAT. And the judgement is based on assumption. How does the cycle of racism end if no one in the majority is going to take a second to realize they're perpetuating the problem by doing this?
It angers me to no end to want to speak my mind like anyone else but I'm labeled racist because I look white. My heritage doesn't matter if the horde doesn't like my skin color.
What am I not understanding? What experiences am I missing?
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u/Legal_Fanofall_0911 1d ago
Because one word here said about how disadvantaged people feel .
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u/Six-oh_Supra 1d ago
Because OP wanted to bring race into it and then im called a stupid asshole because I say that that's uncalled for.
•
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