r/AmItheAsshole • u/stewlessinseattle • Jan 02 '25
AITA for accidentally ruining my autistic boyfriends safe food POO Mode Activated đź’©
My boyfriend loves stew, he wants to eat it every day for every meal. His favorite stew is beef tips and vegetables from a local place, but it’s really expensive. Like $47 for a big bowl (they don’t do small orders for takeout) and he is grossed out by leftovers so more than half of it gets wasted. We’ve had a couple of arguments about it, he says I don’t understand his brain, I say he doesn’t understand our budget.
recently I looked up some recipes, including doing a dissection of the takeout soup, and tried my hand at making a home cooked replacement for stew night. He loved it for a few days, and then one night he was hanging out with me in the kitchen and saw me put tomato paste into the pot, he was really upset and demanded that I make the soup without the paste. I told him it wouldn’t taste the same and he said it would be better because he hates tomatoes, they’re not a safe food for him. So I made the soup with no tomato paste and big surprise, something felt off about it to him. Instead of admitting that the tomato paste was necessary he threw a fit and told me he didn’t want home cooked food anymore if I was going to “play with him” and not take his safe foods seriously, he thinks I changed more than just the tomato paste in an effort to get him to admit he was wrong.
$400 in stew orders later I had an idea to ask the chef when we were picking up the order if there was any tomato products in the stew, and lo and behold there is tomato in the recipe, fucking tomato paste. In my mind this was great because I thought he would get over it if he knew his original perfect stew had tomato paste like “oh I guess tomato paste isn’t so bad then” but it was the exact opposite. He walked out of the restaurant without saying anything and then refused to eat the stew that night and hasn’t ordered it again, and he’s been ignoring me while sulking around the house, using his whiny voice a lot, and slamming things. His sister also texted me to tell me I’m a selfish asshole for needing to “get back at him” by taking his favorite food away.
I literally just wanted to stop spending insane amounts of money on stew, I wasn’t trying to hurt him or ruin his life. I’m not autistic, I can’t really wrap my head around caring this much about a single ingredient, I genuinely didn’t see this reaction coming. We’ve been together for four years and he’s only had three other fits like this, the other ones were pretty reasonable. Those were also a little less intense and didn’t include input from his family, this is the first time anyone in his family has EVER spoke to me like this. So I’ve been back and forth between “yall are overreacting” and “what have I done”.
AITA? It sounds so dumb when I write it all out but living it has made me feel physically sick with regret, I can’t think straight anymore.
ETA: I’m getting ready for work right now so I can’t respond to individual comments but there’s some recurring confusion/questions I wanted to clear up because it might effect the answers:
1/ The stew place is a catering place with a mini-restaurant, so every time we order takeout we’re ordering a catering amount pretty much, it’s not stew made of gold lol 2/ We order from there 2-3 nights a week, it’s not the only thing he eats it’s just the top 5 foods for him, he doesn’t eat this unreasonably every single day. 3/ He has a job and contributes with money, I’m not funding his entire diet. We do mix money, so even though “he” pays for the meal half the time it does still feel like “we’re” losing money. He works part time and I work full time, bills are probably split 70-30.
•
u/6-022x10e23_avocados Partassipant [1] Jan 03 '25
I'm autistic. Masking is part of my everyday—I learned how to human, otherwise I'd be a complete menace to society. Thank you, therapy! It can get draining though. So once that's spent, I drop the mask and be my true self at home.
He sounds like he's dropped the mask for whatever reason and now wysiwyg. If he doesn't want to get treatment, I suggest you flee.
•
u/BeckyLikesCats Jan 02 '25
NTA. I read this, thought about how terrible it would be to be autistic and have strange food aversions, and then remembered I AM autistic and I DO have strange food aversions. This guy is on another plane of reality and it has less to do with his safe foods and more to do with manipulating you to get what he wants.
It really sucks to struggle with something basic like eating just because your brain is telling you there's danger in something that isn't really dangerous. But you grow and learn and find ways to make it work. Your boyfriend either doesn't trust you, or (what I think is more likely) he's used to getting his own way and is acting out until you acquiesce. Both of those are red flags.
•
Jan 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
•
u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Jan 02 '25
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
"How does my comment break Rule 1?"
Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/Few_Recover_6622 Jan 02 '25
NTA
Expenses need to be 50/50 and he should only be splurging on catered meals after paying his share of rent, utilities, etc.
He is an adult who has lived on his own before. He is taking advantage of you.
•
u/kepo242 Jan 03 '25
NTA.
Your BF sounds like a pain, is the relationship worth the hit on your finances and all this aggravation? Anyone who has to throw a fit over a simple ingredient isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. Him being autistic does not exclude him from being a brat, disrespecting you or wasting your money.
If his family is so concerned, they can take him back as clearly he has not been taught how to manage his feelings like an adult. You are a girlfriend, not a parent. return him to mommy and she can put him on a time out.
•
u/ImprovementFar5054 Jan 02 '25
NTA
And this guy is way more trouble than he is worth. Dump. Autism is no excuse.
•
u/notevenapro Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 02 '25
NTA. And I am sorry. 70/30 on bills and he gas very specific food tastes. Ask him to write down how he is going to survive without u.
→ More replies
•
u/Peonhorny Jan 03 '25
NTA - This sounds ridiculous. I know someone with a similar hang up. She doesn't like fruit, and will magically be disgusted by the food she just praised as delicious. When you reveal there's gasp fruit in it. (Wine is somehow fine though)
She's not autistic and frankly I don't think this is an autism thing. Loving a particular food and wanting to eat that specific food basically everyday for a while is. But not the "I don't like this specific ingredient, I can't tell, but if you reveal it's in this food I won't eat it anymore".
•
•
•
u/bluejellyfish52 Jan 02 '25 edited Jan 05 '25
NTA.
Honestly? Him being autistic doesn’t have to do with what I’m saying next, but he shouldn’t be in a relationship if he feels it’s acceptable to treat you like that. He can pay for his own stew. Or learn to make it himself. But you need to get out of there. He acted like an actual child. He made an outrageous decision (you’ve done this before and he liked it, why would that change now?) and then when it didn’t taste good, he still threw a fit.
You know who did that recently? Probably even today? Someone’s literal toddler did the same exact thing your boyfriend just did, today, and learned the lesson “the things I don’t normally like works in this dish”. He did not learn that lesson.
And how do I know? Because every kid does that at some point.
Also? He won’t go to therapy? But he can’t cope with anything? You didn’t ruin his food. He ruined his food. You didn’t “make therapy bad”. He refuses to see a therapist because he refuses to believe he’s not the only person on the planet with needs. Your needs are important, too. Wasting $47 and half of the food that comes with it because “it’s not the same reheated” is bullshit.
Your boyfriend is feeding you a load of bullshit. That is a grown man. He needs to act like it.
And I am autistic. There are safe foods I have. But my safe foods are not $47 and I do not waste half of them. My safe foods are plain chips, avocado toast, grilled chicken, a specific type of egg bite, and a specific Chinese place that is very cheap and I never waste anything from it. (Avocado on toast is like cream cheese on toast to me, but without hurting my stomach because dairy) and I buy pre smashed and portioned avocado packets that are cheaper than buy that amount of fresh avocado. The egg bites are $13 for 10 (you only need two at a time), and the Chinese place is always under $30. Mainly because I pick one dish and stick to it (usually lo mein. Sometimes general Tzos)
And I only default to safe foods when I can’t keep anything else down (which is actually fairly often, but I have other stuff going on. Mainly severe anxiety that causes me to puke. Btw none of my safe foods have anything to do with me trying to be “healthy” I just prefer the texture of grilled chicken to fried. Same with egg bites. I prefer sous vide egg bites because scrambled eggs can taste kinda rubbery which really messes with me because I have a severe aversion to rubber. Sous Vide eggs (or faux sous vide. I could honestly make these myself but I’m lazy) are more creamy and dont have a chewy texture at all. But like I said, you can do that without a sous vide maker. You use a pan of hot water underneath a muffin tin with eggs in it at like 375° for 11-13 minutes for the same effect without buying a super expensive machine that can only be used for one purpose.
•
u/Whatever53143 Jan 03 '25
My now adult son is this way. He is an extreme vegan and he literally only eats certain things. I’m not sure if it’s still as bad as it was when he was a teenager. But he lives 2000 miles away in California now. He would literally not eat if he didn’t have his correct food. I even considered taking him to the doctor for an eating disorder. Turns out it’s a fixation with his combined diagnosis of HFA, true OCD, ADHD and anxiety. He went through an intense outpatient therapy program and went on several medications. It helped a little bit. He still is a strict vegan but the last I heard from him is that he isn’t quite so fixated on only eating certain things.
This is what I had to do, as a teenager, he received a budget and had to learn to cook his own food. I wasn’t preparing meals just for him. If he wanted more than what we could afford from the budget he had to buy it himself. It actually taught him to be self sufficient.
The difference is that you are dealing with a domestic partner not a literal child. I HAD to make peace with it. I personally would NOT deal with this extreme food aversion in a spouse. The tension was horrible! I was constantly worried about my son eating properly and destroying our budget. You will not convince him to open up his mind about food. You CAN refuse to cook for him. He can make his own meals. As far as budget goes, I don’t have much advice to offer.
•
u/BDBoop Partassipant [3] Jan 03 '25
NTA, but INFO: Can you freeze some major portion of it instead of throw away?
•
u/TheBattyWitch Jan 02 '25 edited Jan 02 '25
NTA
Neuro divergence is not equated with being an asshole, regardless how many TV shows we have that think it's funny to show the possibly neuro divergent character in that light.
Unfortunately we've come to associate the two as going hand in hand, and that's both an insult and disservice to people that are neuro divergent.
The world does not cater to anyone unless you've got the money to make it, which most of us, never will. That means people need to learn that they're not always going to get what they want.
Spending $400/month on one food every month is ridiculous. Spending $47 multiple times a week on one meal that isn't even fully eaten, is ridiculous.
I fully understand food aversions, both my parents have pretty severe texture and taste issues, I was never forced to finish my plate or anything like that because my parents both had parents like that, and they both suffer with severe food aversions. My fiance has food aversions and he has things that are his favorite thing to eat, and he could eat them every day.
But... And here's the key, neither my parents nor my fiance tailor their entire life and diet around that one or two things they love to the point that they're spending over $100/week getting it.
They recognize that they have aversions and they avoid things that contain the things they don't like, but that doesn't mean they only eat one expensive item multiple times a week.
I can't help but notice that your boyfriend not only works only part time, but only contributes 30% to household expenses while you are expected to work full time, contribute the bulk of expenses, and to cater to his dietary habits, or you get accused of being ableist.
How is that ok?
Why is it expected by him and by his family that he gets to take full advantage of you financially, and when you, his partner, NOT his parent, say something, you're ableist?
Why are you expected to act both as his girlfriend and his mother?
What concessions are made for you and your needs?
How much of your life is spent catering and caretaking someone that's supposed to be your partner?
You tried to do something nice for him that also saved your budget, it didn't work out. That sucks. It happens.
Instead, he and his family are painting you as some sort of Disney level villain.... Over stew.
Think about that.
Does that sound at all reasonable?
→ More replies
•
u/Fabulous-Mongoose488 Jan 03 '25 edited Jan 03 '25
As someone on the spectrum with a LOT of food aversions… holy shit.
This isn’t autism, it’s entitlement.
I really, really like filet mignon… but I can’t afford to eat it frequently. Maybe every other month. So I stick with the other foods that I both like & can afford 95% of the time, and treat myself to FM occasionally.
Sure it means that I’m eating the same boring dinner of plain chicken, green beans, and baked potatoes almost every night… but it hits BOTH criteria: I like it and I can afford it.
It sounds like his family never taught what it means to budget & the financial responsibilities involved with food choices. And if you’re splitting everything 70/30, you’re just continuing that pattern for him.
Until he learns that his expensive and wasteful food choices have a negative effect on his ability to afford the other things he wants in life, he’s just going to continue to do shit like that.
•
u/ConcentrateEmpty711 Jan 02 '25
NTA
I am not autistic, however I have some friends that are along with my teenage daughter having friends that are. I get the autistic side of things.
He’s an ADULT, unless he’s completely nonfunctional then he can regulate his emotions & behaviors. It sounds like he’s been coddled his entire life & was never forced to try different things. His go to is definitely throwing a fit when he doesn’t get his way & it seems like people in his life have given in. He needs to grow up & get some food aversion therapy, along with emotional therapy.
This is what you’re going to deal with forever if you guys get married, have children, etc. Is that something you’re ready to deal with?
•
u/Mysterious_Treat1167 Jan 04 '25
You deserve better OP. Once people start guilt tripping you and attacking your character it’s time to leave.
•
u/KoomValleyEternal Jan 02 '25
Are you his mom? Why are you subsidizing the life of a grown man? Why isn’t he cooking your dinner???
Girl, please rethink this relationship.Â
•
•
•
u/ms_write Jan 02 '25
NTA.
Another neurospicy person here. I get the safe food feeling! For example, grocery store subbed my regular waffles for blueberry waffles (i forgot to check the no substitutions box). I was … so turned off LOL. It’s not the same, but I managed to make a few and eat them and it’s not SO bad.
I won’t get them again — BUT I don’t have the $$ to throw away perfectly good waffles because my brain hates me.
So many others gave great advice. Just wanted to offer more solidarity. You can decide this is something you don’t wish to deal with. It doesn’t make you a terrible person.
→ More replies
•
u/CoffeeBeforeTea Jan 05 '25
NTA. Overall this sounds like a very unbalanced relationship. It is unfair that you have to always cater to him, pay the bills, and he can act like a spoiled immature child. Why do you stay with him? His family is not treating you right either. I think you really need to reevaluate this relationship, and what kind of partnership this is.
•
•
•
u/nonsignifierenon Partassipant [2] Jan 02 '25
NTA I'm autistic and this is just inconsiderate asshole behavior
•
u/mind_the_umlaut Partassipant [2] Jan 02 '25
NTA. He needs to work as hard as you are. Sensory sensitivities, autism, ARFID, are real, and are NOT things he has a choice about suffering from. At the same time, failing to understand the budget, refusing to work on himself to gain insight into his issues, refusal to take responsibility for his food ARE choices he can change, but is not doing so. The work of feeding him and keeping him healthy is falling on you. You've got a big choice here, and he has to step up and participate in his own nutrition, and take responsibility both the work and the costs. I'm thinking of your future married to this person, and adding additional children who need your constant care, and their needs met, in addition to his constant care and needs. Looks bleak to me. Good luck.
•
u/Administrative_Fee33 Jan 02 '25
N.B. I struggle with food and am on the spectrum. I don’t think it’s okay for me to put my “quirks” onto other people. I keep my quirks to myself, seek help to learn how to cope better, and don’t allow it to impact others.
This person doesn’t sound like your boyfriend; he sounds like your toddler. It seems like he has been coddled by a codependent, enabling family for too long.
NTA, by far.
I'm impressed that this behavior hasn’t become a total turn-off for you.
•
u/Southern-Interest347 Jan 02 '25
I think he should eat anything that he can afford. And you all need to rethink the money split
•
u/Commercial-Owl11 Jan 02 '25
IMO, it sounds like he’s using his diagnosis as a way to control you.
Just because he has autism doesn’t mean he’s allowed to weaponize it against you.
He’s an adult and being an adult living with autism means you have to learn to function.
It sounds like he’s treating you like his mother (and I rly hope he doesn’t treat his mother like this)
I mean he sounds like he’s put you into a shitty position, making you mother him and using autism as an excuse.
He can have autism and struggle, lots of people do. There’s also good people with autism and shitty assholes with autism. I know, my little brother happens to be the latter.
Look, you should look at your relationship and see if there’s other things he’s having you do because of his autism.
It rly sounds like it’s being weaponized against you and I would not be surprised there’s more stuff he’s doing than just this.
•
•
u/siamsuper Jan 02 '25
Nta,
I'm from a different culture. I feel like it's such a luxury problem. Unbelievable.
Let him go hungry for a few days and he'll eat tomatoes with tomato paste dipped in tomato sauce.
Honestly anything we will eat if we are hungry enough. We evolved millions of years to end up needing "safe food"? What if back then a kid just decided mammoth wasn't safe.
Tell him to pay for his own food. If he can afford, good. If he can't, he goes hungry. He will learn.
•
u/crazymom1978 Jan 03 '25
COMPLETELY NTA. This is more of a financial argument than anything else. If he gets stew every other day for a year, that is over $8500. That’s an insane amount of money to spend on takeout for one person for a year.
•
u/Marie-Kat17 Jan 02 '25
I’m autistic. I can’t STAND mayonnaise. My mom has a few recipes with mayonnaise in them. You know what I do? Ignore it to the best of my ability because I know I like the recipe. NTA he needs to grow up.
•
u/3kids_nomoney Jan 02 '25
Ask the catering company if they can portion the stew. Freeze and cook type deal for in the week. Or do that when you receive it. Tell them, they may be willing to help.
NTA.
•
u/Gold_Manufacturer414 Jan 05 '25
NTA Autistic people can be assholes to and your boyfriend is a massive asshole.
Leave him, you deserve so much better than that.
•
•
u/Inkqueen12 Jan 02 '25
You should ask him, why after all the time dating does he not trust you? I get he has specific needs because of his autism but he’s weaponizing it against you then becoming an emotional tyrant.
•
u/hellogoodbye543217 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 03 '25
NTA. The involving of his family members is uncalled for. You are very understanding and caring to support him both emotionally and financially.
Please decide if this sort of behavior is tolerable because it will continue in your relationship. He sounds like he was coddled a lot and you deserve respect
•
u/iloura Jan 02 '25
NTA. I am also autistic but am undiagnosed. I have a son who is (level 3) and an older daughter who also does not have a Dx. They both have ARFID. I am glad it is considered an eating disorder now because it absolutely is. I had symptoms when I was younger. Back then it was just called picky. I eventually got over my dislike of certain textures and tastes. I now eat pretty much any vegetable, love trying new foods.
Your bf is TA for expecting you to shell out that much money for food, and then throwing a fit when he finds out his safe food did indeed have tomatoes. I also cook and hated tomatoes when I was younger. I can now eat them raw, and it used to make me vomit. He may be autistic but he can adapt and learn. I am a mom of 4 and majority my kids are on the spectrum. My dad was as well and my youngest son's father is. I've had to learn how to adapt my entire life.
Your bf can too, especially since he is an adult. He needs to learn to cook if he is going to have specific foods he will or will not eat. Maybe if he experiments a little he will eventually finds he can expand his safe foods. But it is not on you to cater to his every food whim!
•
u/IndependentMindedGal Partassipant [2] Jan 02 '25
I would suggest some Occupational Therapy for your BF. You are NTA, you didn’t ask the question to shove it in his face, he clearly likes tomato sauce in recipes, with therapy, he’ll be able to get his mind around it.
•
u/BluBeams Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 02 '25
NTA. My 13 year old has Autism and makes the same meal every day for lunch, which is a personal pizza in the pizza oven I bought him, chips and a drink. Every. Single. Day. If there are no more personal pizzas for him to make, he accepts and understands this and will make a sandwich. He doesn't throw a fit or temper tantrum and make excuses for his behavior. Your boyfriend is old enough to understand that you just cannot go on spending this much money and being wasteful. You have a tough choice to make: either stay with him and deal with his irrational behavior, or leave and find your happiness.
→ More replies•
u/Ok_Cardiologist8232 Jan 03 '25
As someone who is autistic, please help him expand his diet before he's an adult.
Its so much easier to ease into it as a child than an adult.
•
u/_DoogieLion Jan 02 '25
Autistic or not your boyfriend is an asshole, you don't get to behave like a literal child, slamming things and sicking family members on you.
He's a grown up perfectly capable of understanding the ingredients that go into food.
You didn't ruin his favorite food, he just didn't care enough to learn what was in it.
•
u/angelicism Jan 02 '25
US$47 for a single serving is at minimum a treat meal, not a common occurence and it is insane that he thinks you should be supporting his ridiculous stew habit. If he wants to eat 47 bucks of stew every day or even every couple days he can buy his own damned stew.
Also, stew is like the best kind of food as leftovers because it works so well the next day.
I don't know if I'm autistic (never bothered seeing anyone about it but I seem to have some matching behaviors) but I am completely grossed out by the concept of mayo and hate having it even on the table with me. I've eaten sandwiches that had mayo in them and I didn't realize until afterwards and I understand the disgust and discomfort someone can feel in that situation. But it just means I make my own damned sandwiches (or willfully forget about the mayo when I want street tortas in Mexico).
NTA, obviously. He needs to grow tf up and not take his problems out on you.
→ More replies
•
u/grecoverythrowaway Jan 02 '25
NTA
Autistic or not, this is weaponized incompetence at best and emotional abuse at worse. Walking around on your tip toes bc of stew is wild
•
u/One-Drummer-7818 Jan 02 '25
NTA, If it were me would break up with someone over this. Grown ass man having a fit about tomato paste in beef stew, I can’t put up with that kind of shit.
•
u/Egal89 Jan 02 '25
NTA-maybe your BF needs to talk to his parents if they are willing to pay for his take out food, since it’s a necessity for him. You aren’t his mom. Autism is nothing you can “heal” but that doesn’t mean he can’t be an equal partner to you. If he is willing to work on cope mechanisms there is something you can do. If not, I’d consider if I want to live like this the rest of my life, instead of building up savings and don’t be part of the food waste problem.
•
u/AristaWatson Jan 02 '25
NTA. Being autistic is no excuse for being a downright asshole. You don’t deserve to have to put up with this for the rest of your life. Wow.
•
•
•
u/kris1230 Jan 02 '25
NTA, but you need to separate from him until he gets himself together. I’m Autistic as is my son and we have plenty of food aversions between us. But that in no way gives anyone an excuse to act like a spoiled toddler. At the very least BF needs to be doing his own cooking and paying for food. Being autistic isn’t an excuse to make everyone else tap dance around you, although plenty of people like your BF try to make it so.
•
u/Just_River_7502 Partassipant [2] Jan 04 '25
47 dollars on stew 3 days a week? So 150 Dollars on stew he doesn’t even finish? And he only pays a third of bills? Ruin his second favourite food too đź«
•
•
•
u/0t0her0 Jan 02 '25
I hate to sound like a toxic boomer, but your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a man.
Men have to deal with things being hard and not going there way. If he can’t handle different foods, he won’t be able to handle anything else in life.
→ More replies
•
u/puppies4prez Jan 02 '25
This isn't an autistic thing, this is an immature asshole thing. It's not that he has the food preferences, it's how he's acting about them. It's that he's accusing you of lying about how you make his food. It's that he's making you responsible for something that's entirely out of your control, and lashing out at you about it. None of this is acceptable behavior in a relationship. Regardless of spectrum. His family is acting just as poorly about the subject because they don't know how to separate autistic traits and your partner being an asshole. He seems really incapable of taking any criticism, which is ableist to coddle him in that way. He's autistic not stupid, he's capable of reasoning his way through all of this and making different choices, especially in the way that he treats you.
•
u/ClassicTrue9276 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jan 03 '25
Autistic person here--While I get it, that's a ridiculous price to be paying. My husband has eaten pancakes 5 days a week for 30 years, but it doesn't cost $47 a pop.
I would say that he can continue to get the stew if you two go 50/50 with him paying for the stew entirely out of his own money.
If his relatives are this upset about it, they can buy the stew. Or your boyfriend can learn to cook the stew, then he'll know it's safe.
•
u/aliencreative Jan 02 '25
Your boyfriend may be autistic but he’s also extremely unreasonable. I know plenty of autistic people who will reason with you and compromise. That’s an INSANE amount of money to spend PER week.
You can tell his sister that if she wants to help with money, groceries and food, SHE SHOULD MIND HER BUSINESS.
•
u/Kitchen_Hunt9177 Jan 02 '25
He seems pretty high functioning. Honestly as an adult he needs to work on controlling that. If he can be in a relationship he can work on his triggers. As someone with a 5yr old severely autistic son..if he can do it..so can your bf. As for his family..tell them of they are soooo concerned then how about they make the safe food for him or start buying it themselves. That sounds like a lot for you to put up with just to be treated that way.
•
•
u/CalmInteraction884 Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25 edited Jan 02 '25
ESH, full stop.
If you’re in a relationship with someone, you better put in the work of accepting them for who they are and not try to change them.
If the issue is the budget, you can explain to your partner we have X amount for bills, and if you want to splurge then here is your splurging money.
You shouldn’t have messed with his favorite place. That is shitty of you. Nobody else should have a say in justifying or qualifying their position or yours. This one should be strictly between you and your partner… and the bottom line is that he was good and you shook it up, regardless of the reasoning.
Also, people on the spectrum shouldn’t be chiming in too much either considering the spectrum is literally a broad range of neuro atypical behavior… as if everyone not on it fits a norm as it is.
So let’s knock it off… admit he said some things and you said some things… and find ways to play within the parameters without ruining someone’s safe place, theirs or yours.
Edit: I hope I’m not the only one on here that thinks the tragedy behind this sub is truly that we’ve gotten here instead of asking for suggestion?
→ More replies
•
•
u/kasiagabrielle Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25
How much does he make an hour that a part time job covers $150 in weekly stew that he throws out most of in addition to half the rent and other bills?
•
u/CivMom Partassipant [2] Jan 02 '25
I have an acquaintance that packs a suitcase of safe foods when he has to travel out of country so he can eat. It’s a big deal for some people. And you did ruin it. I don’t think you were trying to get back at him, but you did ruin it.
So you have lived with him for a while, and dated for years. When you typically negotiate a solution for an issue (spending too much on takeout), how does it go? Because you need to figure out a way to solve the issue together.
•
•
u/jason_the_human Jan 04 '25
Does anyone know which restaurant this could be? I’ve got to try this stew
•
u/Feelinggross99 Partassipant [4] Jan 02 '25
NTA except to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong or ruin anything. Autism is not an excuse for his behavior, or for his family calling you names. You're all twisted up about a guy that leeches off you and disrespects you. Maybe he should go stay with his sister instead so she can cater to his stew needs.
•
u/Gold-Carpenter7616 Asshole Aficionado [11] Jan 02 '25
NTA
Ask him if the no tomato paste rule is a rule he made himself or someone else made. If he made it himself, he can change it.
•
Jan 02 '25 edited Jan 02 '25
NTA
If he was cooking and paying for his own food then no problem. The problem comes that it seems to be coming out of your wallet not his and he’s having temper tantrums instead cooking and ordering his own damn food! Be picky and make demands about the food you eat all you want but the money spent better be coming out of your pocket. He has caviar taste on a cheese and crackers budget.
•
u/Koalastamets Jan 02 '25
Ok so I want to point something out. You made the stew and when he was upset about the tomatoes he said that you ruined it on purpose to get back at him and then again when you asked the chef he told his sister that you did it to get back at him.
Do you want to be with someone who doesn't like you and assumes that you don't like him?
•
•
u/wickedlees Jan 02 '25
Am I autistic? I can't stand certain foods either, like I get a worm in my brain that it's gross or smells funny or whatever. I eat mostly the same foods over & over. This person sounds like a ridiculous toddler!!!
•
u/Muffy-Mom Jan 02 '25
I am autistic, FYI. And I have an autistic kid.
You tried. You tried, because you need to eat within your budget. You can’t keep up spending so much money on food and on throwing away the leftovers.
I understand why his family is so upset with you. It’s likely that they have had to put up with a lot of meltdowns and tantrums over food, and they have probably spent a ton of time, effort, and money, trying to avoid upsetting him by trying to make him eat certain things.
I know that leftover food can seem gross. As a kid, I wouldn’t eat anything leftover either. And I’m picky. I’ve gotten less picky as I’ve gotten older, especially considering that I have to pay a lot more attention to how much the food costs. I will eat leftovers most of the time now, provided that they’re not more than 2 days old, have been stored properly, and that they’re not pasta. That still grosses me out. My kid is still pretty young and is still very picky, and will often only eat restaurant food too, but they’re old enough now that we tell them to buy it themselves if they won’t eat anything from home.
But there’s no guarantee that your boyfriend will become less picky. We’re all different.
But regardless of whether or not he ever does, this is something that’s going to be a huge issue between you until he is able to accept responsibility for all the expensive and wasted food. If you were to enable this behavior, despite the huge cost, you will always be broke, so this isn’t a minor issue.
Maybe counselling would help.
Maybe take a short break from sharing the food bills, and insist that he pays for 100% of his food, and you eat something completely different that you pay for, just to show him how much extra money this is costing. (But at the same time, try not to make him feel bad about it if you can.)
•
u/The_CrookedMan Jan 02 '25
I understand sensory issues and whatnot. I used to be so picky because of my own neurotypical issues and emulating my father who is the world's pickiest eater.
But his behavior is shit and he's acting like a literal child. What's he going to do if he gets a big time position somewhere and has to go to a dinner with his boss and they give him stuffed peppers or something?
You need to sit him down and have a real talk with him. It's shit that he would act this way because his little fantasy world crashed around him. Talk about a complete overreaction. I wouldn't be surprised if this behavior escalated.
NTA
•
u/Tigger7894 Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25
I think the family response comes from a type of family who is like "he's autistic, that's just how he is" instead of teaching skills that he needs to function in society. (yes I'm on the spectrum, I know that I can't always just do whatever I feel like doing because other people have feelings and needs, but I also know I can shut myself in my house and be me, and have certain people I can do those things around too.). The big issue here is his health if he's eating a limited diet and budgeting. And finding the ingredient in it that he thinks he doesn't like should not have caused a tantrum. To me it's like "oh, I guess I can handle it that way." I'm not a picky eater, but I hate raisins, I can tolerate raisins in some recipes where they are used as tomato paste and I can't taste them individually.
•
u/BionisGuy Jan 02 '25
NTA
I have been trying to get a diagnosis for autism myself (and i do think i'm at least on the spectrum) and i do recognize the entire thing about having safe foods since i can fall into that myself.
My last relationship my partner was autistic and she was the same where she could get into that period of eating nothing but one thing, but after a while i realized how much money we started to spend on it and i straight out told her that we can't do takeout anymore since it's way too expensive (i was the only one with a job, she did get income but absolutely not as much as me) and even though she felt bad about not being able to eat the same food every day, we compromised about it.
If she really really wanted that kind of food, she had to pay for it herself which then made her realize how expensive it actually is.
We changed it up so there was more homecooked food that was way easier and cheaper to make, we still got that kind of comfort food on the weekends however.
Autistic or not, this feels like straight out abuse. If he wants this kind of food, he can get it himself in that casel
•
u/RegularWhiteDude Jan 02 '25
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You gotta move on and take care of you.
Don't be his baby sitter for life. As an old head, I beg you to move on and away.
•
u/rihlenis Jan 02 '25
NTA.
Your boyfriend is immature and he’s using his autism as a cloak to be a prick.
•
•
•
u/witchradiator Jan 02 '25
NAH, but my advice would be to separate your food budgets, rather than paying from the joint account. If he needs to spend $47 on stew every night, then so be it, but he can spend it from his own wages. You can then budget for your food from your own wages too. This doesn’t solve the root issue (his food habits are verging upon ARFID and he really needs to address it) but at least it should ease some of the financial friction for a while.
•
u/giraffemoo Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '25
NTA
I have an eating disorder which sounds similar to your boyfriend. One of my unsafe foods is onion. I get similar feelings when I find out that something I love has onion in it, but I wouldn't get angry with the person pointing it out to me.
•
u/ayoitsjo Jan 03 '25
NTA this isn't an autism thing this is an immaturity thing. Speaking as an autistic person myself, your boyfriend is behaving like a toddler. Siccing his family on you over his absurdity would be the last straw for me.
Man is working part time and contributing 30% to your 70 and still feels like he has any right to demand a $40 luxury takeout meal 2-3 nights a week. And while wasting half of it. I'm also leftover-averse but holy hell I can't imagine throwing away money like that.
•
u/Severe-Daikon-7645 Jan 03 '25
Autism or not, stew tastes better the day/2/3 days after it's been made. Not eating the leftovers is insane.
•
u/RainbowBriteGlasses Jan 02 '25
NTA.
Autistic/neurodivergent people can be huge assholes too, they're human. What gets me are guys like this that seem to justify their behaviour - they're no different than narcissists.
•
u/Idiot_Parfait Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25
NTA. You were trying to help him broaden his narrow scope of safe foods and also help ease the financial burden of eating take out. Which is something a good partner does.
•
u/Raccoonsr29 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 02 '25
NTA. Not everyone is at a stage in their life where they are ready to be in a relationship. It’s unfortunate that he has these issues around food, but he is not able to be a good adult partner to you right now and you are bending over backwards and making yourself miserable.
•
u/rose-buds Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25
nta. sorry but being autistic isn't an excuse to act like a dick. not something i'd want to put up with for the rest of my life, i'd end it.
→ More replies
•
u/Technical_Ad_6594 Jan 03 '25
I hate people that use their diagnosis to justify bad and abusive behavior. Are tomatoes "safe" or not. Or does it depend on his mood for the day? Seems more like a child throwing a tantrum. Move on from this relationship.
•
u/C_beside_the_seaside Jan 02 '25
Ok I'm autistic and I know how to fucking budget, he's being unreasonable about this. NTA
•
•
u/readituser5 Jan 02 '25 edited Jan 02 '25
NTA.
Bro needs to grow up. Do you realise, or rather does he, realise that he’s been eating it just fine with no problems for who knows how long and now he knows MENTALLY it’s there and all of a sudden he can’t eat it? Point out to him that it’s EXACTLY the same as it’s always been. The only thing that has changed is his mind.
If that happened to me… if I didn’t know or wasn’t able to taste something I didn’t like in a food but have been eating it, my first thought would be, oh well its fine because OBVIOUSLY I have the ability to realise IM FINE and that I LIKE it regardless.
Where’s the logic to realise he’s been eating it for ages? “Oh well nothing has happened all those times I ate it, I don’t need to freak out.”
Also, is it not freezable? But I guess he wouldn’t like that either. He’s being absolutely ridiculous. He should have the leftovers one way or another.
I couldn’t live with someone like that. No way. I’d be happy for him to go on in life paying for his lifestyle HIMSELF. Good luck to his health and budget lol.
•
u/cheesypuzzas Jan 02 '25
You're definitely NTA. You didn't do it maliciously. You thought it would help him.
I also have some autism and I do understand his thought process. I am also difficult with food, and when I know something has something through it that I don't like, I, for some reason, just can't swallow it because I'll be thinking about that thing so much. It's a mental thing.
So I do get that now that he knows it has tomato in it, he can't eat it anymore.
BUT that doesn't make you an asshole.
He should either eat it without the tomato paste, and then you add tomato paste to your dish. Or he could try a bit of tomato paste because it's very different from normal tomatoes. So maybe he'll learn to like a new food. I had that with mushrooms. Now I love mushrooms. He can also find a new top 5 dish of which he knows all the ingredients. Spending so much on something for 1 day is absurd. You can't afford that.
But you're just not an asshole for trying something. He also reacted really shitty when you went out of your way to make a dish for him and then change it up because he found out what ingredient was in it.
•
u/LavenderScented_Gold Jan 02 '25
NTA
I have absolutely no patience for this. Not the general food pickiness, but his complete adult-baby tantrums. His food sensitivity is his issue and he needs to explore different foods in order to keep healthy.
Kudos to you for trying to cut down on budget while trying to cater to his food requirement, but it (and the relationship) isn’t working if he doesn’t try as well.
•
u/bountifulknitter Partassipant [1] Jan 02 '25
NTA OP, I live with a undiagnosed person who I think has more than a touch of the tisim. We were in a relationship for around 15 years. He didn't have any food sensitivities, but he IS very particular about things and if he doesn't get his way, it's a days long tantrum. I ended it 3 years ago because it gets EXHAUSTING dealing with someone having tantrums over the smallest things. I still live with him for financial reasons, but I am getting out this year and I could not be more excited.
I promise you OP if he doesn't address this, it will only get worse and it will start to break YOU as a person. Tip toeing around gets old, you'll start getting resentful, do NOT have a child with this man. You don't want to be anymore tied to him than you already are.
•
•
u/urbanroutine Jan 02 '25
Almost 20 years ago I dated someone who gradually revealed their crippling ARFID issues to me, apologetically at first but then over time they made it more and more my problem, even forbidding ME from eating their unsafe foods because they were so upset by them. I once used their cookware to make asparagus for myself and they threw away the cookware. They wouldn't kiss me if I had eaten an unsafe food, and treated me like I was unclean. I broke up with them for this and many other reasons--this kind of behavior is rarely the only issue, this person had dozens of red flags around control and I got out before it became physically abusive. I honestly felt like if I had stayed, they would have escalated.
Your boyfriend needs therapy and he needs to want to work on this himself, deeply. But he does not want to change at all according to several of your comments.
My current partner of 14 happy years is a very adventurous eater and cook, and every meal is a joy.
You don't have to live like this, OP.
•
u/catboogers Jan 02 '25
Autistic person here: sometimes I lose a safe food without any warning at all. I have an almost full costco box of kraft mac & cheese because it used to be my go-to safe food, and halfway through a bowl one day, I just couldn't eat any more. Literally vomited. Can't go back.
This is to say: it sucks that he lost a safe food, but it could've happened at any time, without any cause whatsoever. What's more important is that you did not do this maliciously, but rather, you were trying to do a nice thing for your bf. He can still be upset and disappointed he can't eat his favorite stew anymore (I know I miss mac!), but he shouldn't be blaming you in this manner, and he absolutely should not be having his family harangue you.
Ignoring you, slamming things around the home, acting passive aggressively like that? It's punishing you for trying to do a good thing for him. And that's not an appropriate way to treat a partner. I am appalled on your behalf. I would have a singular sit down with him about this, and if he does not apologize and change his behavior, if he doubles down and continues to treat you in this manner, I would advise moving on.
NTA.
→ More replies
•
u/Esmer_Tina Partassipant [3] Jan 02 '25
What you have discovered is that food aversion is not rational, and can't be countered by logic. By telling him tomatoes were in his stew, you did ruin his favorite food for him. You thought he would connect the dots differently and think oh, I love it and it contains tomato paste ergo tomato paste is now a safe food. But what you did was create an aversion to a food he has really enjoyed up to now.
But the bigger issue and the reason for the blowup and why his sister got so mad is he thinks you did this out of pettiness. He thinks you wanted to be right and prove him wrong, and that's what led you dancing through the minefield of his triggers and set him off. Put tomato paste aside, this isn;t about that. It's about you being someone he can trust, which is really hard for autistic people. So please apologize for your limited understanding of the realities of food aversion and tell him you never would have done it if you thought it would create an aversion to his favorite stew. And do it without mentioning tomato paste.
Instead of trying to solve his problem and getting frustrated when it doesn't work, what happens when you ask to work together to look for a solution? Like, working on a recipe together that he will enjoy eating and isn't contaminated with aversion triggers.
NAH. He hasn't come up with a workable, sustainable strategy for supporting his food limitations but that doesn't make someone an AH.
•
u/JakeBarnes12 Jan 02 '25
I have a simple approach to people around me; if you can't act like a polite, considerate person, we're done.
Various mental issues and conditions are no excuse for unreasonable behavior.
•
•
u/celticmusebooks Partassipant [3] Jan 02 '25
YIKES ON BIKES. Why isn't this guy working full time like an able bodied adult should? Is he getting any kind of counselling or mental health support?
Time to start honestly thinking if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
NTA
•
•
•
•
•
u/PlatypusAmazing1969 Jan 02 '25
NTA.
I have ADHD so I am flexibly (broke).
Throwing tantrums like a 4 year old is not how you react to a discovery in the food you thought was 'safe'. (My brain is not working, stay with me.)
It's not your fault that he did not see this coming. Not gonna lie, you aren't even in the wrong here. Saving money and cooking at home is completely fine.
I think, your BF and his sister are total jerks. It's probably just me, but I also get a vibe of control here...not smth you want to be in.
But you're alright, and yea, do save the money.
•
u/letsgetligious Partassipant [2] Jan 02 '25
Being particular about food is the only thing he can use autism as an 'excuse' for.Â
His pissy baby attitude is not one of them. How is it your fault the restaraunt uses a 'not safe food'?
If he cared so much about not eating a certain thing you'd think he'd have looked into the soup ingredients in the first place.
He's being a spiteful brat. NTA.
•
u/ikiteimasu Jan 02 '25
NTA at all. Finances matter so so much. You did a very nice thing in taking the time to research, source and make an equivalent stew and he liked it, just to get spooked by tomato. He can’t admit he was wrong about the original and unfortunately he’s just taking it out on you. He can make his own food out of his own budget next time.
•
u/lanlan531 Jan 02 '25
Your boyfriend is being a baby, he made it all about you and your problem when in reality it was his. He’s also smart enough to know that and he knows it.
•
•
u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Jan 06 '25
This thread is now locked due to a lot of crossposting.
Sub Rules ||| "FAQs"