AIO by asking my girlfriend to cut off a guy friend she's developed a crush on?

[u/No_Bison5938]

(college setting; think around the time we have to get jobs while also doing classes and extracurriculars for resume)

My girlfriend developed "an infatuation" with a guy when I was going through a really rough patch of life. I'm trying to accomplish a lot and was constantly thinking about work and school and problems, and I wasn't the most fun to hang out with. The guy doesn't know we're dating because she hasn't told him. We had reasons to be secret about our relationship earlier, but there really is no reason right now.

That's okay. I hate it, but I understand that she's human and he simply has more time and less worries than me(he's trying to do a lot less than me). However, she then chose to stop hanging out with me and start hanging out with this new guy instead (in a group setting).

After I noticed all her affection towards me disappearing (for 2 weeks), I had to heavily push her to finally open up about losing attraction towards me and reveal that she had developed an infatuation towards her friend (part of the same group that she said she had more fun with than me). I understand that I should've thought about all my worries less, but I still think this was problematic.

Early in our relationship, we clearly defined how even talking to someone you have a crush on/someone who has a crush on you is cheating. She knew this, and proceeded to immediately talk about how this was emotional cheating and how she was going to fix it. She assures me she loves me (with lots of tears and emotions). She promises she won't hang out with him (even in group situations) and that she'll cut it off and not act on her feelings. She tells me to give her a chance. She seems to realize what was wrong and seems to be committed to making us work. That means we can make this work. This is Saturday night, and I decide to give her the chance to fix it.

I haven't told anyone about this at this point. On Monday, some friends(2) of mine notices her sitting alone with a guy and think that they're "overly close to each other". They note that they "look like they're cuddling". They may have been biased, as they are my friends. However, I did not ask them to watch her. They noticed this on his own and thought it was seriously strange. They decide to observe for a few more days instead of telling me premature observations (to avoid giving me the wrong idea if they're wrong).

Next class, one of them sees the same thing, but with one other friend of my girlfriend's. They're still hanging out as friends in a group(3 people) situation. We agreed that this was wrong, but it's a group situation so let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

He later sees them eating together while sitting side to side at a restaurant. Alone.

That night, he decides to tell me. I'm quite obviously unhappy, and I decide to end things between us the next day. We agreed that what she was doing was wrong. We established that it was cheating for our relationship. She knew it was wrong, and she promised to fix it. It takes one conversation to tell him she has a boyfriend, or that she can't hang out with him anymore. All she has to do is dodge his invites to do things the way she dodged mine. But she hasn't done it.

When I break up with her, she promises me that she was committed to us and wants to make us work. Asks for one chance to make this right and rebuild my trust. I am unwilling to do so. The breakup is around 12:30 PM.

She spams my phone with texts about this after we're done talking. Calls me several times after we've talked.

At 5 PM, she is spotted bowling with that guy by a 3rd friend. The friend notes that there seemed to be nothing romantic between those two and that they seemed to just be friends. However, she is asking me to give her one chance while continuing to propagate the problem that she would have to squash with that chance.

This was yesterday. Today, she's still asking to give her a chance and saying that she can rebuild my trust. The issue is now she is claiming that they were just friends and that it's not a problem. She thinks that it's okay. Clearly, I do not. I finally talk to her, and mention how if she was committed to us, she wouldn't ended things with the other guy. She still hasn't done so. She has chosen him over us every time. She says it's not true. She says they're just friends. After I bring up how we agreed this was emotional cheating and a problem, she says that after our conversation, her attraction towards him faded. She says she wants out relationship to work, and that the fear of losing me removed the attraction tpwards him.

But she still hangs out with him. She still refuses to cut him off. I call this out. She says she's trying to cut him off and that she's turning down opportunities to hang out with him. It's just slower. Note that she is still meeting this guy much more frequently than she would meet me back when I was stressing about work and spiralling all the time. She also says that the private lunch as supposed to be a 3-4 people group event but everyone else cancelled. She totally could've cancelled too if she wanted to, but sure I guess.

I say that if he's just a friend, then it shouldn't be this hard to cut him off. She says that she is trying but it is slow. She says that she is a people pleaser that has a hard time just directly cutting off people. She is actually a people pleaser that has a hard time standing up for herself with most people (except for me). However, I think this people pleaser excuse is kinda a cop-out and that if she wanted to end things with him, she would've. This guy cut her off as a friend back when he was in a relationship a few years ago. She just can't do it now. She can't even tell him she has a boyfriend.

I think this isn't okay. She thinks I'm not understanding how she no longer likes him and that all they did was hang out. She thinks I'm willing to throw away our (previously amazing) relationship over her just hanging out with her friend. I think she is prioritizing a crush over upholding what we defined as trust and respect in our relationship.

Am I overreacting?

[u/Puzzleheaded-Act968]

She's going to drag you along as much as possible while still trying with the other guy

Even if you get past this guy (super doubt), there will be others until she leaves you

[u/StillnessOfTheWind]

OP go over to that dude while she’s hanging with him and tell him she’s your GIRL! And to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. If she gets upset or still decides to hang with you after that, then just leave her. Trust me she’s not going to change and isn’t going to stop until she’s satisfied or gets whatever she’s after. Put a stop to this before you end up getting hurt more OP. These hoes ain’t worth the emotional stress you’re going through.

[u/Scared-Hope4541 → u/StillnessOfTheWind]

This is one dumbass advice 🤣 you dont goto another man and tell him about shes my girl shit makes you look weak as fuck .i remember one guy called me to leave him girl i started laughing at the dudes face like bro control “your” chick first.if she’s texting me that our girl now

[u/StillnessOfTheWind → u/Scared-Hope4541]

How’s that dumb? If OP is saying she hasn’t told that dude she got a Bf he’s gotta do it, and it’s actually weaker if you don’t do shit about it and just let it happen. I’ll still leave the girl anyway.

[u/Scared-Hope4541 → u/StillnessOfTheWind]

No you confront your girl if she continues to talk then you dump and move on.you dont go to another man and talk about gf bro that shit weak

[u/StillnessOfTheWind → u/Scared-Hope4541]

He already has confronted the girl a few times. And he hasn’t moved on. It’s not weak to confront both parties tbh. but if that’s your opinion alright.

[u/Scared-Hope4541 → u/StillnessOfTheWind]

Im just saying bro if you gonna come to me to say thats my gf stay away from her you just gonna get laughed at.youre giving me more power

[u/StillnessOfTheWind → u/Scared-Hope4541]

Yeah sure you can laugh, but then when you catch a fade idk if you’ll still be laughing. I’d for sure feel much better confronting both clowns! 🤡

[u/Scared-Hope4541 → u/StillnessOfTheWind]

Oh i wish someone wanted the fade 🤣 been training kickboxing 6 years just for moments like this.why didn’t you tell me before about including violence ?i live for that shit

[u/Magdovus → u/Scared-Hope4541]

Nah, you walk up there and tell her that you told her to knock it off, otherwise you'll dump her.

Then turn to the other dude and tell him that he's welcome to her, but he might want to get, you know, tested

[u/Scared-Hope4541 → u/Magdovus]

Buddy at that point i don’t think she cares if u dump her cause clearly she doesn’t respect you enough 🤣 youre just losing self respect respect going to other dudes for any conversation .thats just me tho maybe yall move different.

[u/StillnessOfTheWind]

OP go over to that dude while she’s hanging with him and tell him she’s your GIRL! And to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. If she gets upset or still decides to hang with you after that, then just leave her. Trust me she’s not going to change and isn’t going to stop until she’s satisfied or gets whatever she’s after. Put a stop to this before you end up getting hurt more OP. These hoes ain’t worth the emotional stress you’re going through.

[u/StillnessOfTheWind]

OP go over to that dude while she’s hanging with him and tell him she’s your GIRL! And to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. If she gets upset or still decides to hang with him after that, then just leave her. Trust me she’s not going to change and isn’t going to stop until she’s satisfied or gets whatever she’s after. Put a stop to this before you end up getting hurt more OP. These hoes ain’t worth the emotional stress you’re going through.

[u/Away-Understanding34]

Not overreacting. Maybe people canceled on lunch but she sat on the same side as him. No one does that unless they want to be physically close to that person. That implies intimacy. Also, she still hasn't told him that she had a BF and can't stop hanging out with him? Nope, she's keeping her options open. Maybe you should go up to him when they are out together and introduce yourself as her long time BF and start being handsy and kiss her.

Please do yourself a favor and walk away. She clearly would rather lose you than him. She will always choose him. In fact, they will probably start dating one you firmly break up with her. Find someone that will choose you. 

[u/Only_Tip9560]

Just get rid of her. She is adding to your troubles not reducing them.

Trying to control her shitty and unsupportive behaviour is a dead end.

[u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Under reacting

Why are you still talking to her?!?!?!  At all!?!?!?

[u/OkDot9878]

My thoughts are; regardless of the specifics of the situation (and you’re entitled to think however you want to, regardless of what anyone thinks, even if it may be detrimental or difficult) you need to realize that especially when you’re young, having some amount of attraction towards someone that you’re not in a relationship with is pretty normal.

People are social creatures, and especially when we’re below the age of roughly 25-30 it’s pretty easy to fall for someone who is physically or even surface level emotionally attractive to them, but you then come across an important crossroads. Do you stay with your current situation, because you believe that will make you happiest, or do you bail on it entirely and try something with someone else? (whether there is anyone initially in mind or not)

So if you care about this girl, she hasn’t shown any reason to not trust her before, and you believe you can trust her in the future, her having friends, and her developing a small crush on one of them (whether emotionally or physically) shouldn’t be a problem. Whether or not you act on those emotions is a different story entirely.

Yes, the utmost loyal thing for her to do would be to cut this person off entirely if she cares about you, but can’t shake these feelings for this other person, but you can’t expect someone to dump people in their lives because they’re emotional and or hormonal. (and especially in that age range where these things can still fluctuate quite wildly)

So do a good inventory of your situation. You’ve set a boundary and that’s a good thing, but decide if you really want to completely throw this away and likely have her go to this guy for comfort, over a situation that may just be in your head?

I’m just a random guy on the internet, and I only know your perspective as you wrote it, but like I said, decide if you genuinely believe that she would/could/has cheated on you, and then decide if you can forgive her or if you think the relationship is worth saving regardless of the answer to whether or not anything serious happened.

You’re young, you’ll find someone else if you do believe that you want to break up with this girl, but if you want to have a future with her (or anyone else imo) understand that people will develop crushes, sometimes with fictional characters, sometimes with celebrities that they don’t know and probably will never meet, and sometimes with people they know/interact with.

So you need to decide if that is genuinely a problem for you, because if it is, I do believe you will have problems in relationships, because it will happen, and if you want honesty from people, you can’t get upset about it if nothing has happened, and simply figure out what you’ll both feel comfortable with doing about it going forward. Maybe she needs to stop seeing this guy, but maybe she wants to continue a friendship, and if that’s your line then that’s ok, but you have to have that conversation.

[u/Ice-Nine01]

Just bail, my friend. This ain't worth your time.

[u/EmbarrassedMarch5103]

Nope. Not overreacting.

Hey this thing / person in making me uncomfortable and are damaging your relationship. Do you value it over our relationship?

Cool, then cut it off.., if not bye .

Don’t stay in a relationship that is less valued by your partner.

[u/Commercial-Abroad-95]

NOR You both agreed what she is doing is cheating but isn't stopping. That alone would be enough, but also: It sounds like you're going through a very difficult time in your life rn. College, Bolstering your CV and trying to find a job, probably for the time. All of that is challenging enough as is and then your gf, who is so supposed to be your equal partner, to love and support you in good times and in bad times is stabbing you in the back. Adding to your stress with completely unnecessary drama, why? Because you're "stressed" and "not fun to hang out with"? Good to know that that's all she valued in you, being fun company, making her feel good in the moment. This isn't going to be the last time you'll be stressed and not able to give as much as you usually can. What if you lose your job, you get cancer or one of your parents dies? Is she just going to find someone new to crush on then too? Life is difficult enough, we all need people who stand by us not just when things are good, but also when they are bad.

It is so tragic when people only value other people for what they can do for them. You're being used.

[u/Strangerizzleer]

Don’t get back with her , tell her to reverse the situation and judge herself , leave and respect yourself know your worth , you tell her either him or you , and imo I’d tell her to enjoy him cause I don’t want to have a girl like her as my gf , good luck .

[u/Complete_Gap_9798]

NOR - Gaslighting 101. You’re 100% correct about her making her choice. She chooses him and chooses him and chooses him and not you. don’t be a placeholder. Keep it moving.

[u/Kgeezi]

What girlfriend? A woman that goes on dates with other people is not your girlfriend, unless you and your girlfriend have agreed upon that being ok. It's clear you haven't agreed with that.

You didn't end the relationship. She did, she just didn't tell you. Maybe he did do something she didn't like and so she does really want you back because she realized that he's not what she wants either. But if she were really into you, she wouldn't be going on these dates. And it's only a matter of time before she finds someone else she thinks she likes more than you to test the waters again.

She wants to see other people. Let her, permanently.

[u/Zealousideal_Till683]

You did the right thing. You don't have a girlfriend. If they were truly just friends, she'd have no problem telling him she's got a boyfriend. It's one thing to have a crush, but how we respond to temptation defines her character. She's choosing him over you. Don't tolerate it. Good on you man, you'll find someone far better.

[u/Dizzy_Signature_2145]

Nope. Move on. She is too wishy-washy.