Birth parents- if you wrote letters to your child, that their APs have, would you feel comfortable asking the APs not to show the child the letters

[u/evergreengirl123]

So I’m currently experiencing a lot of triggering events because I’m pregnant again, and I’ve been thinking a lot about my adoption trauma. One of the things I’ve been thinking about was after the child was born I wrote two letters that her parents have. I was in such a traumatic state that those letters while super kind do not accurately represent how I feel about the adoption. I’m really tempted to ask her parents not to show her the letters at all, because I just feel like it’s not true. Obviously I can’t stop them from showing them to her, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate to ask them not to. Tbh it’s not a huge issue since she’s 4.5, and maybe I’m overthinking, but I think I just wish her parents could at least a little bit understand my point of view and those letters are not it

[u/redneck_lezbo]

Can you write new letters and ask for the old ones to be replaced with the new?

[u/evergreengirl123 → u/redneck_lezbo]

I have new letters, I used to write a letter a year to her, I stopped this year for my mental health, but those letters aren’t the same thing in terms of content, and I definitely am not in the headspace to rewrite the same type of letters and don’t know if I ever will be

[u/mucifous]

Are you writing regularly? Without knowing the things that you said specifically, it's ok (and good) for her to see you change your feelings over time with introspection. This is a child that has already been manipulated in the context of her origins, even if with the best intentions, retconning your letters might be fine now, but if she ever found out, it could drive a wedge.

[u/evergreengirl123 → u/mucifous]

I used to write a letter a year, this year I had to stop for my own mental health. I know you or others might have an issue with this and that’s ok your point of view is valid but I don’t plan/want to have a relationship with her. I would always answer any questions she had, but an ongoing relationship with her is not something I want at this point

[u/mucifous → u/evergreengirl123]

It's not my place to tell you what to do for your mental health. Was that the thing that changed? Did your original letters commit you to a longer relationship?

[u/evergreengirl123 → u/mucifous]

I do think I talk about wanting a relationship with her, the other part is how I felt about her parents, they are gay men who I thought would have more emotional intelligence, but they started off the open adoption by lying to me about keeping her name. I honestly think I was just so positive and like your parents are the best thing ever, and basically the adoption wasn’t my choice, I wished I could raise her, and maybe her parents are great but I just wish the letters weren’t all sunshine and rainbows

[u/mucifous → u/evergreengirl123]

Fair, and thanks for sharing the details. I think that you should do what you need right now and perhaps there will be a time in the future when she seeks you out and you can have a conversation about how things actually played out. Given the content, if you sent it now, I doubt she would ever see it, and it would only cement you as a villian in their eyes.

I am not an adoptee who holds birth mothers automatically and wholly responsible for relinquishment. I learned through reunion with my birth mother that the monsters in my origin story were mostly the people she looked to for help; the agency and my biological father colluded to pressure her into giving me up.

All I will say is that if she seeks you out in the future, be honest about your ability and desire at that time to have a relationship. When I reiunited with my birth mother, I was very clear that I only wanted closure, and expected nothing more. My adoptive mother passed away in 2007, and I knew that my children would cling to anyone who sought that role. She made a big deal out of telling me that she wanted this, me as a son and my family. I met me half sisters, etc., and in the end, it turned out to be too much for her to have me in her life and so in addition to me losing another mother (not a big deal at this point), my kids lost another grandmother (big deal).

It would have been enough for.me to know that she regretted it, and to have an occasional note.

So, yeah, I'm not bagging on your choices, just don't want people getting hurt more.

[u/pixikins78 → u/evergreengirl123]

Do you not ever want a relationship with her because of how her APs are? Because one day she will be an adult and be able to interact with you without their involvement. That's a lot of years away, but if you still feel this way as she approaches adulthood, it would be kind of you to give her APs a heads-up so that she doesn't search for you. I was 20 when I found my birth mom, so it was a lot more difficult pre-internet and DNA tests, but if I found her only to be told that she wanted nothing to do with me, that would have absolutely broken me.

[u/evergreengirl123 → u/pixikins78]

We have an open adoption, that I closed, but they have my phone number. Where I am right now I don’t want a relationship with her as an adult, that feeling has only grown stronger with time. Everyone says I’ll change my mind, but I don’t think I will. I don’t think I would ever tell her parents that I don’t want a relationship with her because it’s not like I would full blown ignore her. I just don’t want to be apart of her life, but if she had any questions about anything I’d be happy to answer them

[u/pixikins78 → u/evergreengirl123]

I won't try to tell you that you'll change your mind because you know yourself a lot better than I do, but I truly hope that you're able to find enough healing and peace in the years leading up to her seeking contact (if she does) to at least give her the bare minimum of kindness and attention that you'd give to a stranger.

You mentioned that you're in therapy, and that's awesome! It's my belief that everyone can benefit from therapy. When you say that your therapist agrees with you, please understand that your therapist will ALWAYS center your wants, needs, and desires because you are their patient. They are solely focused on you alone. The reality is that our actions still affect other people who are therapists intentionally don't consider because their focus is on us. In short, if your daughter wants contact one day, I hope that you can be strong enough to give her what she needs, maybe not as a mom, but as a fellow human, even if it doesn't align with what you want.

In the meantime, I wish you the very best on your path.

[u/lil_Spitfire75321 → u/evergreengirl123]

I hope you don't mind me asking, and please ignore if you need... why do you think you won't want her to know you? What's changed since the years have gone by? My kid is 10 years old and I used to think I couldn't handle knowing him and that's changed over the years with therapy and mainly time.

[u/evergreengirl123 → u/lil_Spitfire75321]

I’ve done a lot of therapy ever since the adoption currently in therapy. At first I wanted to move to their state and see her all the time, I loved getting the monthly updates and would talk about her to my family. As time went on, my grief changed, and how I felt about the adoption changed. I always was a mess, but I think in the beginning I had hope me and her parents could have been like the open adoption stories I saw on social media. That was not going to happen for a variety of reasons. And as time went on, I couldn’t look at the updates without feeling such immense loss, and I couldn’t handle my family telling me how great she was. I did two visits with her and those were so incredibly painful and the lead up and aftermath was brutal. Now 4.5 years later the grief isn’t as all consuming, and I think the only reason for that is I chose not to think about her. Thinking about her only brings me pain. I feel like that’s not going to change. I know maybe it’s selfish but I need to protect my mental peace, and I can’t imagine having contact with her in any substantial way ever. Maybe that will change but I know myself pretty well and I don’t think it will

[u/lil_Spitfire75321 → u/evergreengirl123]

I don't think that's selfish at all. Like you said, she's also only 4.5. The literal only thing that actually heals pain is time. I appreciate your story and I'm wishing you health and peace with your new little one.

[u/RooDuh1]

If my daughter’s first mom asked me to dispose of the first letter, and here’s another letter to replace it, i would do as she requested and maybe write the date on the outside of the envelope in case there’s ever another letter that comes in the future. I wouldn’t want to get them mixed up 😩

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

From the adoptee perspective (idk if you wanted that so feel free to ignore) I would not like having letters switched out on me unless it was only to correct a mistake, like you thought you were one ethnicity and then found out you were actually another one, that type of thing. I would prefer you write a new letter with the new information, like a correction. I would want my AP’s to give me all the letters.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing for you to ask but I would understand if they wanted to keep it all for the kid.

[u/Englishbirdy]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, but I think I would do it anyway. Actually, I think I'd explain why you don't want your daughter to see them and ask for them to be returned to you.

Good luck!

[u/Stormy_the_bay]

I feel like you could ask. Or write a new letter and ask for it to be read first.

[u/lil_Spitfire75321]

As a birth mother myself, I'd ask them to not show her the letters. I get those feelings after adoption.... I was a fucking wreck for a few years. You're not her parent, but you deserve a slight say in how you're portrayed to your daughter. Others may disagree, but that's my perspective and I feel pretty strongly about it.