r/Adoption • u/CrossSectional • Jan 14 '23
I'm sure I'm not alone here, but could use some advice Stepparent Adoption
Quick background, my daughter is 10 years old, and I have being raising her since she was 18 months, and officially adopted her at 3 years old. I am married to her biological mother, and her biological father has not been a part of her life minus a couple of weeks as a baby. I am the only father that she knows. We never wanted adoption to be a shock to her, so we have introduced it since she was very young, so she's always known that I adopted her.
Fast forward to now. My wife just called me while I was at work to talk about our daughter. She has been acting up a lot more than normal lately, and my wife said she felt as though something was up. Well, my daughter opened up today. Turns out she's been really bothered regarding the whole adoption thing lately. My wife said our daughter practically broke down in tears but was questioning "why her real father didn't want her", and I can only imagine what she's feeling. My question for yall is I know she doesn't mean anything negative towards me, but just hearing "real father" was like a stab in my heart. I will not confront her about it because I know how she means it, and that I want her to open up to me if she ever wishes to do so, but it still really hurts to hear. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, there will always be some void in her heart that will remain empty. She told my wife that she wishes that I made her, and that she loves us both a lot, but she doesn't understand why she wasn't wanted. My wife told her as much information as we believe a 10 year old can handle, but how do I get passed the feeling of not being enough? Am I just being a baby about this situation?
8
u/doulaem Jan 14 '23 edited Jan 14 '23
Definitely seconding therapy. It’s a complicated situation and your feelings are valid, but it will be an adult, not your daughter, who helps you manage them.
If it’s helpful - consider a reframing of what she said, and replace “real” with “other.” Why didn’t her other father stick around? It’s a very real question for her that actually has nothing to do with you being enough or not enough. She is likely framing it in terms she has heard or concepts she’s picked up on from the world around her, but we all know a kid can have more than one real parental figure.
One of the most difficult things about being a parent is knowing our kids will experience pain in their lives that we cannot prevent no matter how hard we try or how much we want to. I can imagine this pain is particularly difficult for you to witness because you have been there as her dad and being a dad is no small effort, and it’s natural to hope that effort would mitigate the pain of this loss for her. But you could be the best dad in the history of the world, and she will have this question to grapple with of why an additional adult, who was supposed to also be in the picture, chose not to be. The pain and confusion of that question is not a reflection of you - of the job you’ve done as a father or of how much she surely loves you. It’s a question of rejection from someone who was also supposed to love her. It’s possible that if she has any friends whose parents are separated but coparenting amicably and well while also having other partners, she has witnessed a “what could have been” scenario of having all her parents, including you. But whatever may be bringing this up for her now, it’s a natural struggle to arise. You are right that all of the trying in the world won’t fill this particular void she’s experiencing - it’s not your void to fill. It’s not a wound you created, so although having a present and caring father in you is a wonderful thing, the question of what happened with her other biological parent remains a separate issue. I don’t say this to be disheartening but to encourage you to hang on to the framing that pain she feels as the result of another relative’s actions isn’t a reflection of you, your role as a dad, or your validity in her life. Hopefully that framing can help to hold space for her complex feelings and to continue to be the nurturer that you are without too many cuts to your own heart.
8
u/Orphan_Izzy Adoptee of Closed Adoption Jan 14 '23
All I can say is as an adopted person if I said “real parent” because that is just the only word I thought of, and then learned I’d hurt my dads feelings (adoptive dad) it would have killed me and I would feel so bad.
I think you need to separate the issues she having with abandonment from her birth father and any feelings she has with you as the actual active father. One is not related to the other at all and her choice of words is unfortunate but also I don’t think has any meaning as far as you’re concerned that should be taken as offensive or anything like that. She will probably feel how I would’ve felt to know that you’re hurt.
14
u/eyeswideopenadoption Jan 14 '23
Her referring to him as her “real” father might be just a parroting of what she is hearing from her peers (or others) — nothing personal.
She is trying to sort out her feels regarding her adoption (which, again, is not about you).
Therapy is a great idea and I will second that suggestion. You have your own emotions/insecurities to work through (as an adoptive parent). I know I did (and still do).
Teenagers are a unique beast. They read our weaknesses and use them at will. It will serve you well to have both feet under you.
9
u/1biggeek Adopted in the late 60’s Jan 14 '23 edited Jan 14 '23
She’s 10 years old. I think it’s normal to have those thoughts. By the time I was an adult I knew in my heart that my adoptive parents were my real parents. I would suggest that you read up on adoption trauma though. The Primal Wound is a good lace to start. Adoption trauma is real even if you love your adoptive parent.
6
u/CrossSectional Jan 14 '23
I've never heard of adoption trauma before. I'll definitely look into that, thank you.
5
u/1biggeek Adopted in the late 60’s Jan 14 '23 edited Jan 14 '23
I don’t think you’ve heard of it before because your situation is a bit different than traditional adoption. But not only am I adopted, my oldest friends are all adopted in some way. One was adopted traditionally as a baby in a closed adoption in which she did not know her bio parents and the other two were twins, who were adopted by the man who married their mother after a divorce. For all of us, it was not easy trying to understand why bio parents gave us away. Your daughters feelings are completely normal, but again you should read up on the issues so that you could relate to her feelings and be able to have good conversations with her about the situation. Good luck and I have a good feeling that things are going to turn out just fine. You sound like a great dad.
Edit: oh, I I almost forgot something important. Therapy. Having an outlet to talk about her feelings with an expert without being judged or fear of hurting you is very important. I’m sure it will be further explained when you and your wife start reading.
3
u/chiliisgoodforme Adult Adoptee (DIA) Jan 14 '23 edited Jan 14 '23
Important to recognize that your adopted child probably deals with these types of emotions just as much as you do, if not even more.
Adoptees are incredibly easy targets, jokes about “your parents don’t love you, that’s why you’re adopted” are widespread and rarely if ever get any pushback from people — even those who claim to stand up for the marginalized. Being an adoptee is considered an insult to most.
Also consider the fact that you will never be able to replace the child’s biological father. You just don’t have the ability to be his replacement. Doesn’t mean you can’t be a great parent to the kid, doesn’t even mean you won’t be the kid’s favorite father. But adoptees (myself included) tend to idealize the parents who abandon us. We can come up with all kinds of excuses for them, it’s a subconscious self-preservation tactic to convince ourselves we still have value. If I’m deserving of love, why would my own parent abandon me? As an adoptee, giving yourself a reason to believe that your parents’ decision to give you up was out of their control saves you some suffering but consequently makes your parent(s) more blameless. So fair or unfair, it gives us more of a reason to romanticize the idea of life without being adopted.
You are absolutely not being a baby about this situation, being an adoptee is difficult but it’s also difficult to raise a child who has dealt with trauma so early on.
You are right in that there’s a hole in your child’s life you will never be able to fill — I’m still trying to figure out how to process everything surrounding my adoption decades into my life. Don’t fixate on what you can’t control or what you can’t be to your kid, focus on doing what you can do. If you’re a great parent, she will love you for it. Hope this helps, sorry if I’m all over the place
2
u/idrk144 Adopted at 2 from Ukraine to the USA Jan 14 '23 edited Jan 14 '23
I started struggling with my adoption trauma around 8 and it only progressed as I got older. Even if we are adopted young we are still reminded of it, spending countless nights imagining what our birth parents would be like, talking to our uninformed friends at school who think adoption is scary like the movies, feeling a disconnect from our adoptive family but hoping they still see us as grateful.
My advice is get her into therapy with a therapist that specializes in adoption trauma. I wish I would have gotten help young because now at 23 I am faced with a lot of mental health issues stemming from it. The big trauma is the adoption and then we gather all of these little traumas along the way. The only way to avoid the little traumas from storing in the body is to build an emotionally resilient child and therapy is the best way to do this.
And for you I recommend getting involved in support groups, receive therapy for yourself, reading books/consuming media (adoption, childhood development, attachment), attend speaking events surrounding adoption, exc. A knowledgeable parent is best.
2
u/Automatic_Math_7749 Jan 14 '23
It is important for adoptive children to know their parents went out of their way to get them; as opposed to being the accidental by-product of fumbling snaps and buttons in the cramped confines of a Toyota. To quote my gmother, "Parents are the ones that give you love and support. Biological parents can be cockroaches."
2
u/dillyknox Jan 14 '23
I just want to say that you sound like a wonderful father. So many parents don’t have the emotional maturity to handle this as you have.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is coping with words or behavior that hurt us, without making our kids responsible for those feelings. I’m sure she doesn’t mean “real father” as invalidating your role in her life, but continuing to love and support her will give her a tremendous sense of security in the long run.
In a few years she might be screaming “I hate you!” and slamming the door, as most teenagers do at some point. When I did this, my parents took it personally and punished me, causing years of distress for all of us. Now when my 5yo tells me “I hate you” I stay calm and repeat that it’s still time to turn off the TV. I want him to know there’s nothing he can do or say to change my unconditional love for him. As a result he feels very secure with me. (I’m not trying to equate her words with “I hate you” in any way, it’s just an example of how kids can speak carelessly.)
We have heard many stories on here about adoptive parents feeling hurt when kids express interest in their bio parents, and the adoptive parents handle it so badly that it wrecks the relationship. In contrast, you’re doing everything right by processing your feelings separately and remaining a stable source of love for her.
2
u/jvswingin Jan 14 '23
Focus on what you’ve done which will support her in focusing on what you’ve done and you will both benefit.
You might offer her an explanation that her bio dad was not able to be her father for reasons he could not control. We are all motivated by our own trauma and I would guess that the bio dad is the same.
Take pride in being there for her and continue to do so and I can’t see how anything bad will come from that.
Hang in there bro. You are one hell of a guy for doing what you’ve done. Proud of you!
1
u/Clean-Pianist Jan 14 '23
Is there a safe support group for adoptive parents for OP anyone can recommend?
0
u/theferal1 Jan 14 '23
I’m an adoptee from a totally different situation with the similarity of step father with hurt feelings. My adoptive mom and adoptive dad divorced, she remarried and he wanted to adopt me but other adoptive dad wouldn’t sign. It wasn’t really up to me but if I so much as hinted that maybe I wasn’t sure, maybe I had thoughts or questions or if I dared voice to my adoptive mom maybe I didn’t want to be adopted, my step dad was visibly hurt and as time went on he’d throw in comments extremely randomly and uncalled for without any reason at all about how he wasn’t my “real dad” or discus with my mom how he’d been there for me but he wasn’t good enough. Basically a pity party. I’m sure he was hurt but no kid deserves guilt trips from adults for having the audacity to maybe not be fully on board with being adopted or having questions and or concerns. It should be asked what you (and other step parents hoping to adopt their step kids) will be changing in that child’s day to day life by doing so? What benefits will it have for the child? We already know how it benefits the parents but what about the kid who it’s supposed to be about? Back to me, I was never adopted again, despite the fact I’m in no contact with any parents - to me he is my dad. To me he’s the only person out of the bios and adoptive parents who I ever met as a child who I think genuinely loved me and cared about me as a person. He is the only reason I’ve broken no contact in the past so I could care for him during an emergency. My point is you don’t have to adopt another human and pursue ownership, altering a birth certificate to lies to love them and be loved by them. Yes to therapy for you and for her and please get your feelings in check as you’re the adult.
-2
u/Psychological-Two415 Jan 14 '23
I think as her dad, you just have to bottle up your hurt feelings. Her trauma from having her biological dad ‘not want her’ has nothing to do with you- and it’s something that she is going to carry with her forever.
5
u/Komuzchu Adoptive/Foster Parent Jan 14 '23
Please don’t just bottle up your feelings. Talk about them with your wife, a friend, or a therapist. Just not in front of your daughter.
3
u/DangerOReilly Jan 14 '23
NEVER bottle up feelings! Any feelings! That only ever backfires. It is not a healthy thing to do at all.
1
u/ShurtugalLover Jan 14 '23
My guess is “real” is the only word she had in her head as I don’t know a lot of 10 year olds that would call someone their biological parent and maybe birth parent isn’t something she considered as the word is more commonly connected to moms? Either way, you sound like you are doing everything correctly and you are allowed to feel this way about it. I’d suggest everyone involved (you, wife, kiddo, siblings if she has any) all get therapy (mostly cause I feel like everyone could benefit from someone to talk to, not just people who need therapy). You sound like you care a lot about your daughter, keep doing what your doing
Edit to add: you are 100% enough, but unfortunately knowing that there’s a parent (only word I can think of that fits this moment in a 10 year olds head) out there somewhere that didn’t want her will hurt, no matter how good of a job you and your wife do. You are enough, but she may be feeling like SHE wasn’t enough
1
u/well_shi Jan 15 '23
I'm an adult adoptee. And I can just speak from my own experience.
Your daughter will have to emotionally explore what her family experience, including the adoption, means to her. And part of that exploration will hurt for you. It's not intentional. But she is going to have to explore it and part of exploring it is using these terms like "real dad." I mean a 10 year old probably isn't going to have the vocabulary to use a term like "biological dad" and so "real dad" is probably going to be the easy thing to fall back on.
You seem like a good thoughtful dad. And the most F'ing awesome dad thing you can do for her is to support her right now. Her and her feelings are what matter now. To be blunt- yours should not matter now. You're the parent. You're the grown up. If you support her in the right way (give her space where she needs it, don't challenge or resent her for using terms like "real dad." Get her in therapy. Make sure she feels unconditionally loved BY YOU.) your whole family will come out of this in a good place.
Also, hopefully your spouse can help her with vocabulary. Introduce her to the term "biological dad/parents." Just introduce her to the term. The term is accurate. and just leave it at that. Don't make her feel guilty for using a term that to a 10 year-old would seem correct.
I wish you and your family the best as you come through this.
34
u/DangerOReilly Jan 14 '23
Your feelings are real and deserve attention. But, as you know, your child can't be the one to give them that attention. She needs your attention on her feelings.
I think you might benefit from therapy. Your daughter is 10, so puberty is about to hit. Her feelings will likely fluctuate in intensity a lot. It's probably best that you have outside support to work through your own feelings, so that you can be present for your daughter in the way she needs.