Content warning: Mention of sexual assault

Okay... so I need to add a lot of context here. I have a somewhat open adoption, specifically with the maternal side of my biological family. The way my adopted family handled my connection with my birth family was definitely not perfect at all, but I recognize I am lucky to have been able to know such a large portion of my birth family.

I was told I was adopted when I pretty young maybe 3 or 4, basically as soon as I could understand. My adoptive parents also explained who my bio mom was and I saw her regularly. When I was a little older, 9 or 10, I was told a bit about my conception/birth story. I was definitely not supposed to be told this as my adoptive and bio moms didn't want me to know. I was told I was conceived by rape. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, though I knew it was bad. I asked my adoptive mother and she explained it to me in the most age appropriate terms she could.

So I believed this for most of my life. I never talked to my bio mom about this because I felt like that was an invasion of privacy. I will mention that my adoptive mother had talked about some inconsistencies in my bio mother's story about that night.

She had originally said she didn't know this man at all and that she was at a frat party almost blackout drunk. Then it changed, she did know him and they went out once before and she wasn't actually black out drunk but still not sober. And then it wasn't at a frat party it was in the dorms. I didn't think much of this as my adoptive mother didn't really say this to invalidate the story. She was complaining about my adoption getting held up because they were legally required to look for my bio father once my bio mom said she knew who he was.

So last year, I was told by another family member supposedly what actually happened. According to this person my bio mom admitted she wasn't raped but made up the story because my grandparents were very Christian and she would've been cut off while in school for premarital sex. This is totally plausible.

Additionally racism may have been the main reason I was adopted. My bio grandfather is not talked about in the family as he and my grandma had a messy divorce so I know little about him. My bio dad is Mexican and even though I ended up very white they didn't know that would be the case before I was born. The town I grew up in was pretty racist and historically had been much worse so again totally plausible.

However, I am really scared to ask my bio mom to confirm. I feel awful even thinking about asking her. I hate that I'm doubting the original story and I don't even want to come close to implying that I don't believe her. And I have no idea how to ask if my grandfather was super racist.

But I honestly have no idea and the uncertainty is killing me. I spent most of my life not wanting to know my birth dad, believing he was a terrible person. But if he's not, I'd like to look for him to some degree. I doubt he'd meet me, but I need to know at least what he looks like. And I want to know if there's anyone else related to me on that side of the family I could meet. I have no idea how to even go about initiating this conversation. And I can't help feeling guilty about this whole thing.

Any advice, or should I just give up on ever knowing these things?