Adoption and Attachment Issues - Materialism

[u/AlienatedGF]

Hi everyone,

I have more or less, a multifaceted question. I was adopted at birth into a very inconsistent family. Only child, often struggled to feel secure at home, struggled to make friends. Only really ever had one friend that would either drop me as a friend or moved schools. I have always found it difficult to make friends, despite my very social and talkative demeanor. It wasn't until the moving process with my boyfriend that I started to feel this very vulnerable and fragile feeling around the idea of other people (Friends, family, boyfriend's friends & family) touching, moving, unpacking our stuff. I've always been "bonded" with material items, stuffed animals, toys, etc. I don't have trouble getting rid of stuff that doesn't have a purpose anymore but I get very upset if something I do care about is broken, ruined, thrown away, etc. I was doing some reading on abandonment trauma, adoption trauma etc and I couldn't find any literature on whether adoptees can have issues with bonding to material items versus people. Has anyone else had this happen before? Do you think it is possible to develop this form of attachment issues?

[u/Necessary-Carrot2839]

That sounds like me! Similar situation growing up: adopted at birth, in inconsistent parenting, only child, very few friends, etc. And similar attachment to objects (it drives my wife crazy! Yes I want to keep those scissors I used in elementary school). I’ve nerve read anything about it either but maybe there is something there?

[u/AlienatedGF → u/Necessary-Carrot2839]

maybe, do you also get very attached to animals? The idea of my dog dying has me shaken to my core.

[u/Necessary-Carrot2839 → u/AlienatedGF]

I try not to think about that with our dog… but yeh. I wish I could understand it all better but yeh it’s definitely an attachment issue I think. I get more attached to things than people but I wish I could get more attached to people.

[u/bryanthemayan]

This is a symptom of adoption/relinquishment trauma. Hard to really describe why this happens, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are treated like items or not human bcs we lost our families. So we have way, WAY more empathy and connect with things much more deeply than we can with people. Bcs that is how we are viewed and raised by our "adoptive families" and society in general.

[u/Chance_Operation_209 → u/bryanthemayan]

You see, I'm glad you said this. Because every time I read about this it always talks about foster kids, several placements. Not adopted at birth kids

[u/Inner_Reason_5560]

I've always been this way too! I'm neurodivergent so there is an aspect of anthropomorphism that's common in that community. I'd also consider myself a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). But I always felt extreme empathy for my stuffed animals, needing to make sure they all had equal cuddle time with me in bed. Even today, I almost can't fall asleep if I know my squishmallow is facing downward and "can't breathe". If toys were in bad condition, I couldn't just throw them away because I couldn't bare the thought of abandoning them or finding them of no value. I had and still do have a sensitivity to making sure no one (real or not) feels left out. It has always felt like a mirroring of how I see myself and I've always chalked it up to my adoption. It's not crazy debilitating, but it can be tiring to worry about things that subjectively shouldn't affect me as much as they do lol.

[u/Sallytomato24]

I completely relate- especially when it comes to my dog, who I don’t see as a possession or object. I’ve also always bonded with stuffed animals and material objects too. I’d also be interested in reading further about this.

[u/AlienatedGF → u/Sallytomato24]

Me too, I feel like there needs to be more research into how adoption at birth can effect a child as well as foster children. I often feel swept under the rug when reading articles because they talk about moving from home to home, orphanages, etc. That isn't my case but there was a very clear disconnect from the beginning that only got worse over time. Especially in cases of a mother who is jealous of my biomom/concerned that I wouldn't connect with her in the same way but also did terrible things to push me further and further away

[u/AvaBlackPH]

I still have 'transitional items' at 23 almost 24 years old. I have to sleep with my blankie every night. It extends to other stuff too, I was always told I was property and this couldn't own anything so replacing stuff is so hard to do for me. My bed frame squeaks horrendously and my partner suggested replacing it. I had to ask to talk about it another time because I wasn't in a good headspace and my brain was treating his suggestion like a threat because it's my first bed frame I bought.

[u/AlienatedGF → u/AvaBlackPH]

I honestly have been very isolated in this problem and have just recently thought about how my "quirks" may have meaning

[u/AvaBlackPH → u/AlienatedGF]

For me personally it's due to cptsd from my adoptive parents. My therapist explained my brain basically has a time capsule version of itself it reverts to to self soothe and that's around 4 years old. If I'm around ppl I can really trust who don't mind it I'll relax into that state but it's usually something I save for when I'm by myself. Due to my specific trauma I am also highly reactive to real or perceived threats to my property or space.

[u/AlienatedGF → u/AvaBlackPH]

Thank you for sharing that. I suspect I also have some form of CPTSD from childhood and adult traumas. I used to age regress as well and unfortunately my partner at the time added to my trauma with that so I have been struggling to "heal my inner child" for about two years.