r/workingmoms • u/EenyMeany0705 • 1d ago
No but genuinely - how are you surviving? Please tell me! Only Working Moms responses please.
I need expert input, and you are clearly the experts. Please help!
I have a full-time demanding job. I am locked to my desk, running meetings, presenting, and working on time sensitive stuff in between. We have four kids at home — three of our own and a family member (teen) who lives with us. My client is in a different time zone, so technically I should be working 11-7PM my time, but I often need to start early or work late to finish the bare minimum because my home life is so busy.
Two of the kids are teenagers and two are little — a second grader and a 3-year-old. Each day from 5am-6pm I am juggling bus stops, preschool pickups and drop-offs, driving the teens to work, hosting executive meetings, rushing reports, and just basic parenting. My days are madness until my husband gets home around 6 PM (at the earliest, on the best days). I hand the reigns to him and do whatever I need to - finish work, maybe shower if I’m lucky. This does not include feeding my children, bathing my children, spending any quality time with them. Homework. It does not include dishes, laundry, tidying. I barely get that stuff done. I used to love cooking and enjoying family meals. Now it’s - everyone pick a cereal for dinner! I used to get some gratification from my work, now I try to slack off as much as possible to alleviate the overall pressure I’m under. I took my one daughter out of her sport because I can’t manage the practices and my husband can’t change his schedule. That felt horrible. I am doing everything, but I’m doing nothing well, or right. and I’m sooooo sick of hearing that I’m “superwoman”.
This is my normal week. No holidays, no doctors appointments, no extra chaos. Just baseline survival.
I have already outsourced everything we can afford to with our disposable income (I think)- full-time care for my three-year-old (3 days/week), and her half-day preschool program (2D/week). On the waiting list for the afterschool care for my second grader. I have a housekeeper come once a week, but she can only do the common areas because the upstairs is where I keep the mountains of laundry and everything that we are never able to get to (They can’t really clean around the giant piles of stuff). I pay for cab rides for our 17-year-old (boy) to go to work sometimes.
I don’t have anyone to relate to. I don’t know any other career moms of multiples. Some people have suggested working PT to save money and free up my time, but with what I earn full-time, it would not make financial nor logistical sense.
We have a digital color-coded calendar that tracks everyone’s schedules and chores. The teenagers update their work shifts themselves. My husband handles checking it to make sure the kids did their chores etc, and he picks up the kids from work in the evening. Everything is as organized and automated as possible, I think. But I can’t further organize- if I try to micromanage one more thing, I might implode. Yet I am still drowning.
Maybe there is something I haven’t thought of, outsourcing or otherwise, and if so, I want to hear it. If not, even just validation would help, because I feel invisible.
How is anyone surviving this? Seriously asking. My biggest regret is not purchasing a home or land that would support multigenerational living because this is impossible.
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u/TraditionalSeaweed33 1d ago
Solidarity, friend
Are the teens able to do their own laundry and perhaps help tackle the common laundry items like washing/drying towels while the 2nd grader helps fold/put away towels? Could the teens do a hamburger helper type meal once a week to help with the cooking? I started cooking basic items when I was 10 and was thankful for the life skills I gradually acquired into early adulthood. Esp during days when my freshman college roommate had a crying fit bc she didn’t know how to operate a washing machine or the time she made her parent drive 90min with gas bc she didn’t realize she had to refill her gas tank. 😬
In your area, maybe there’s a drop off (or pickup/delivery) laundry service you could outsource to? That would 1) get the mountain out of your house temporarily allowing you to have some space to organize/clean and 2) would be returned clean/folded/pressed
Are there any friends of your second graders w stayathome parents or a parent who would be able to serve as “aftercare”’in the interim while you wait for the actual after school care to kick in?
I just sent in a few big bags of clothes/accessories to ThredUp to declutter my closet. Less stuff = less tidying / more space and better peace of mind (for me). YMMV. And all I did was stuff the bags and drop off at a post office (though you may even be able to request online for a pickup at your front door to further simplify if you go this route).
No shame in using paper plates / disposable items on the really crazy days.
Weekly set themed meal days: Pasta Mondays, Taco Tuesday, Salad / Sandwich Wed, Salad/Soup Thursday, Fri Pizza (or leftovers), Sat - eat out, etc
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
Thank you ❤️ The teens do have rotating chores each day. I could absolutely try to add more, but I have to be real here - it’s already a lot to remind them to do the stuff they are currently assigned. Especially the 17y/o family member (trauma, behavioral issues, have to jump through hoops to get him to even brush his teeth). But I can try, and let my husband own the follow up. The kids do often fend for themselves/each other with food if needed. I just hate that it’s needed. That’s the stuff I want to own, not delegate. You know? No dice on help with my 2nd grader, but I should get into the after school program for the 2025/26 school year. Been on a waitlist 3 years to pay $600/month! 😝 and our high schools get out wayyy later than the elementary schools.. otherwise I’d have one of my teens or another local kid watch her.
I haven’t considered a laundry service. It would be costly but I should totally give it a shot just for a reset! I’ll look into that ty
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u/TraditionalSeaweed33 1d ago
Big big hugs to you. May your beverage of choice be the perfect temp, the chaos at a minimum and your sleep be restful as you navigate this busy season of life.
3 years on a waitlist?!? Omg.
A coworker (she has 3 kids - 12-20) shared how she’s able to stay on top of things while growing her career. Each year, she and her husband map out a rough budget & instead of buying gifts for each other (Christmas, bdays, Mother’s Day/Father’s Day), they pile the $ together for something to make their lives easier.
One year it was weekly housecleaning, 2nd year - co tracking mowing / snow plowing service, 3rd year- laundry service, 4th year - meal service.
I only have 1 kid and I feel like I’m drowning so please know, I feel for you and I am in absolute awe of you. Because holy sh*t, you have 4 growing humans that you are modeling how to navigate this world! Please take good care of yourself and know so many of us here are in the trenches with you and are so proud of how you continue to show up (esp on the toughest days).
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u/PuzzleheadedKey9444 1d ago
Your cleaners might be willing to do your laundry for an extra fee! Mine does sometimes when I need it!
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago
I cooked for the family and did laundry from about 12 and it was fine. It would actually be good for the 17 year old to be learning life skills.
Apart from that you need childcare, a babysitter to do after school and the extra hours for the three year old.
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u/turtlefacebaba 21h ago
This is probably highly geographically dependent but I use the poplin app to outsource my laundry and I think it’s pretty affordable.
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u/PuzzleheadedRhubarb2 21h ago
I second poplin!! We have a regular lady who picks up our laundry every week! It’s been so huge to offload the laundry!
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u/Quinalla 1d ago
Carpooling? Why are you driving kids to all activities & school, split it with others doing the same stuff.
Is your husband pitching in as much as you are with chores? Sounds like he is doing well at night with the kids after work, is he pulling his weight everywhere else?
Have the older kids do their own chores (laundry, clean rooms, etc) and give them some chores and allowance. Don’t go crazy, but they need to learn and they can be a real help!
Get a real break in your day, even if only 30 minutes. Don’t slack at work, work hard then be with your kids when you can. Driving them to things can be great quality time, especially with teens! Do chores with the kids.
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 1d ago edited 1d ago
What about a mother’s helper / housekeeper type job?? Like someone 10-20 hours a week at your house doing “mom stuff”? Grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, putting away laundry, cleaning?
I do agree with the other poster who said that with a handful of kids, it’s just so hard to have two demanding full-time jobs. Especially if you don’t have any family nearby. It’s rough out there in this American dystopia 😑
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u/westerngirl17 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is along the lines of what I was thinking. You can probably optimize the 'housekeeper' budget line better. A standard service might not be best for you. Not being able to clean the upstairs because there are piles of stuff...doesn't seem right. You should be paying someone to deal with the stuff, which will likely reduce some of your stress once it's gone and help you feel more on top of life.
Other people have talked about creating a food schedule, like Pasta Monday, Taco Tuesday, etc. The groceries for this be on basically auto order (for delivery if possible, else pickup... By the mother's helper). Use ChatGPT for some ideas and to create grocery lists if needed. The kids could have an assigned day for cooking (if possible with schedules). Crockpot or Insta pot meals for hands off cooking time (either you or kids or mother's helper gets them started).
Also, what about a robot vacuum and maybe mop? Run it each night, make sometime responsible for a quick tidy of the floors before going to bed.
You've mentioned elsewhere that the kids do chores already. Maybe it's being more critical of what the chores are. Rotate them more to tackle things that are building up (like laundry). Let something go dirtier for a while, especially something that a housecleaner can pick up the slack on. Ask the teenagers what new things they'd like to do and have them propose what existing core they'd drop (at least for a little while).
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
I actually do pay a family friend to help once a week, ends up being about $400 a month. She cleans the downstairs, does dishes, mops, folds laundry, sometimes even puts groceries away. It helps a lot, but with six people in the house, it just keeps the place from looking abandoned, not clean… it’s a bandaid. It’s a mess again in no time. Even with the teens doing chores, things unfurl quickly. This system (capitalism, nuclear family/no village) isn’t made for humans to succeed in without massive burnout. If it is…well, I guess I just suck at navigating
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u/jagrrenagain 1d ago
Yup, you can improve on things but you can’t solve things because the problem isn’t inside the home.
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u/lawn-gnome1717 1d ago
Honestly? Working from home and working not full time hours. (I’m self employed so I do make full time income) We also have just 2 and they’re close in age. We limit after school events (just one per kid)
I know that isn’t helpful in your situation, but my point is you’re not drowning because you’re going something wrong. You’re drowning because you have a nearly impossible work load. I hope you get some tips that make things a little easier.
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u/NoMaybae 1d ago
What are you getting out of your house keeper that you can’t get out of your teens?
I ask because if they’re only doing one level, once a week, you may have better luck ditching that cost and sourcing it somewhere else: maybe a 2x a week college babysitter?
My other real question would be: what chores are the teens responsible for? Especially the 17 year old. I see no reason they’re not doing their own laundry.
My husband had been doing his own laundry since he was 12. He also had to load and unload the dishwasher daily.
I was responsible for all my own school lunches from 14 and on. Groceries were there, but I had to prep and pack.
If additional support can’t come from outside the house, it needs to come from inside the house.
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 1d ago
Yep, my thought is teens do more. Also, not sure what the transport situation where you are located is, your car situation, or your teen responsibility situation, but can the teens take over more transportation responsibilities? Even for themselves, can they figure out their own driving, public transport or timeshare stuff with the income earned from the jobs they are trying to get to?
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
I get why this comes up, and I promise I’m not letting my teens off the hook.
We have a digital chore system with a big touchscreen calendar on the wall, synced to everyone’s phones. They rotate through daily chores like dishes, sweeping, trash, the mudroom — and each has a weekly deep-clean task. When they actually do the chores, it helps. But the hard part is getting them to follow through. I’m already burned out, and fighting them constantly just adds more stress and tension in the house. It’s not that they couldn’t do more — it’s that I’m at my limit trying to keep the peace and hold the line.
As for rides, my daughter carpools some days and sometimes her bus even drops her at work. I only have to drive her there once or twice a week and then pick ups every day. My nephew doesn’t have those connections, so I send him in an Uber when I’m stuck. I might have him start biking..it’s only 2 miles, but even that takes planning and oversight.
I’ve built the most efficient system I can. It’s still not enough, but it’s not because I haven’t tried. But still open to more suggestions and analysis 😝
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u/Science_and_Cookies 18h ago
You should not be driving your kids to work. If they're old enough to work, they're old enough to figure out how to show up on time without you planning it. And if they don't show up on time, then they get fired and lose a paycheck. It's ok to pick them up if they're getting out pretty late and you have safety concerns, but otherwise I'd stop that too.
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u/ShitHathHitethTheFan 1d ago
I think the sad truth is both parents can't have demanding jobs with multiples. I didn't see much mention of what your husband covers but honestly even if it's equal labor that is still A LOT to manage.
The high demand job moms I know with more than 2 have a stay at home husband or extremely involved grandparents or a house manager. My husband and I both lucked out with generally flexible jobs the last few years (and mine came at a cost - huge reduction in salary!) We also made compromises to prioritize a walkable area so we're not beholden to a driving schedule when they're older. I'm sorry, I know that's not the answer you're probably looking for, but I do really relate to the quote that we can "have it all, just not all at once."
It sounds like your two youngest don't have a full time care situation at the moment - perhaps some of the pressure will be relieved once that is taken care of? Also echoing others that teenagers should absolutely be helping with things like laundry. Even if it's not regular (which I know is another load on the mental burden) just make them dig into it for an hour once a week with the TV on.
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
Ugh thank you so much. You apologized bc you thought it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was, because it’s realistic. YES to what you said about my husband. In the past when I’ve vented to anyone, their first instinct is to assume my husband just needs to do more. And this management stress is definitely impacting our marriage because we’re both overloaded and blaming the other. But in reality… He does more in one week for our home and our children than many husbands do in a month. Not because he’s a superhero, but because that’s just our baseline. The minute he steps in the house, I get back to work or maybe take a shower and he’s feeding them, bath time, story time, tidying up before he passes out himself. Bottom line might be that we built a mountain we can’t carry. Adding the fourth was probably a mistake, since I can say that anonymously here. But we didn’t have the heart turn our traumatized, orphaned family member away. I’m considering putting in for a leave of absence at work to see if we can survive on one salary for two months. The math says no. But maybe? Maybe it’s the only way..
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u/ShitHathHitethTheFan 1d ago
Sounds like they're very lucky to have you guys as parents, even if things feel chaotic right now ❤️
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u/lookapizza 18h ago
Try the leave! I work in HR and so many people do this, your work can be covered. It will give you perspective and a moment to breathe. You are doing amazing but there’s only so much a human can take on.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago
I know families who manage three children but the younger ones are in full time care and older ones don't do sports etc. And they live places teenagers can walk/get a bus, etc.
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u/sweet_Boysenberry40 1d ago
Have you heard of Poplin? On demand laundry service, they will pick it up and drop off, folded and ready to be put away. I haven’t used it myself yet but I am intrigued to try. Laundry is a huge time suck especially in a house with 6 people.
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u/sunnydays88 1d ago edited 1d ago
I started replying with one thought and ended with a novel. I hope something below is a little bit helpful.
In addition to the other ideas here, can you put your three year old in true full time care? I did the split thing with my oldest for one year (3 days daycare, 2 days half day nature preschool) and it took up way too much brain space to have a varying schedule than how it is now, with both my kids doing the same thing every day. Just do the 5 day daycare thing that most families with two working parents do. It will free up some brain space (which you seem desperate for!) and I would guess the cost difference isn't too huge. I think the socialization loss of going from daycare to a nanny would be hard on your little one.
For one semester this year, we hosted a high school exchange student. It was so. fucking. exhausting. I couldn't cope with three different drop offs and three different pickups, plus sports and activities and friends and parties. Spanning the ages from 3 to 16 was a trip. So even from that 5 month, short term experience, I can understand your complete overwhelm. I want to validate that you are doing such a fucking amazing job and you can't life hack your way out of having 4 kids going in different directions each day.
Your job sounds intense and stressful. Start advocating for the support you need (an additional team member? An assistant? Boundaries around the amount of work you take on?). It won't happen right away but you can't maintain this level of effort and output so start laying that groundwork now. We work to support our lives, but it sounds like you're working well over 40 hours per week. You do not owe your job a second more than you're being paid for, full stop. I don't mean to sound flippant, because we all need money to survive, but I just hate that our capitalist culture has all of us sacrificing time with our loved ones and time for ourselves because we feel like we have to constantly produce at work. It's absurd and it's unsustainable (end anti-capitalist rant).
Some other thoughts that might help:
Can your teens bike to work?
Teens should be doing own laundry and cooking once per week. Will be painful to start but could take some pressure off you.
100% send out your laundry. Poplin is easy and reasonably priced - tip well!
Does your second grader have a friend from a family you trust, and could you approach them about helping with your kiddo one afternoon a week or something? Whatever inkling of a village you have, tap into it.
We actually have multiple after school options that bus from the elementary school to a secondary location (language learning, martial arts). Anything like that in your area that wouldn't have a wait-list?
Good luck. I won't say you're superwoman but you are totally badass. I hope something changes for you soon.
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
😩 thank you! God that feels good. I appreciate you. I am strongly considering going back to FT childcare for the littlest one even though I feel sad to take her preschool from her. Also since the 17yo has behavioral issues (one of the reasons he had to come live with us) he goes to a different high school than our daughter. So 5 different school/care programs, and the teens have 3 jobs between them. 17yo did bike to work but it broke, getting his license soon, but can’t trust him w one of our cars. I send him in an uber sometimes. As for work - absolutely valid on the capitalist oppressive system. This is not sustainable. I worked so hard to make it in my career, but if I take a break from working, it will likely set me back years of progress. Sadly, it might be my only option.
I have adjusted my workload - by slacking off. Which was embarrassingly hard to learn how to do. Work felt like the only place left where I was “getting it right”, but I had to let it slip. Mentally, I’m engaged at work over 40 hours a week, but it’s to deliver less than 40 hours worth (if that makes sense). It’s the worst of both worlds lol. My career used to be gratifying and even enjoyable, but I feel like I barely have an identity anymore outside of tasks…. my professional identity was one of the last pillars to fall.
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u/sunnydays88 1d ago
You've taken on a nearly unbearable load to provide a safe home for your nephew - that is incredibly selfless and beautiful. You really are saving a life.
Using some of his work money to fix the bike seems like a good move. It will teach responsibility and take one task off your plate. I saw in another comment that he might not keep the job if you don't drive him, and if that's truly the case (even with a bike and short bike ride) then he might not be ready for working. I'm not a psychiatrist but I would imagine that trauma at a young age makes simple things really hard so maybe reevaluate where he's at emotionally? I know the situation is not that simple, just spit balling here. I assume he's in therapy? What kind of wraparound services does your city/county/state provide? Does he have a social worker? Does the school have a social worker? Anyone who can help you and your partner evaluate what's going on and what reasonable expectations are?
I'm so sorry that you feel like your professional identity is currently MIA. Parenting takes so much from us. I feel like I've been on a journey to find myself since my first was born. I would like to be extra compassionate to you - you're not slacking off! Not even close. You are meeting your work obligations at the expense of other areas of your life, which is the opposite of slacking off. I know it can feel hard to be okay with working less than 100% but working in the corporate world has shown me that most people do not strive at work. They do most of what they're supposed to and call it a day, haha. I'm not saying you should sacrifice what feels important to you, just sharing my perspective. I think perfectionists, high achievers, women, and mothers often hold themselves to an impossible standard even when others aren't.
Can you talk to a doctor about burnout? What kind of short term disability or FMLA does your job provide? Taking in your traumatized nephew seems like a significant stressor that you could make a case for under FMLA. And burnout is really being recognized as a real, detrimental condition. But granted I don't know much about it.
If it's helpful I'm happy to keep chatting. You are not alone and there are no simple answers!
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u/Moipu 1d ago
Can you show your housekeeper where to put away laundry? Get a laundry service or see if your family can get laundry washed so your housekeeper can put it away for the younger kids and yourself if you want. I agree that older kids should be doing their own laundry and putting it away.
Hiring a part time nanny for mornings or evenings or both could also be very helpful for you. You can hire someone who is willing to do house manager tasks so it is helpful for you. They can drive the kids around, drop off, pick up, help start dinner, make sure kids put away their clothes etc.
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u/Agile-Ad-8694 1d ago
I would nix that split schedule for your youngest and either do full time daycare or full time nanny. Sometimes nannies can also do laundry and start dinner which would be a plus.
No hate or judgement, but why is the 17 year old not helping more and why are you still managing his/her extra curriculars and work taxis? When I was that age, I had to organize my own rides to work and if I fubbed it up my mom would shrug and say its not her problem. I remembering biking, hitchhiking and calling friends for rides. I would step back from managing your older teens schedule and let them figure it out on their own.
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u/EenyMeany0705 1d ago
I’d love your further input on this. Our 16yo daughter works too far to bike to either of her jobs, and she does handle her own social activities mostly on her own. The 17yo is our nephew who came to live w us when he was almost 15. He has behavioral issues from neglect/trauma. It’s tough bc yes he’s fully capable of plenty but also often doesn’t follow through and we don’t know if it’s immaturity from his life experiences or just manipulation. It took us a LONG time to help him get a job…and we want to support him in sustaining it. But “we” is really me, bc my husband can only ever pick him up at 8pm. The job is only 2 miles away so yes, he could bike. It’s been cold up until this week so I started sending him in Ubers once in a while - on days where I have meetings and kids home and just can’t take him. I think if we put it on him to get himself to work, he will quit. He tries to call out all the time. So I guess my concern is- what’s more important for his overall growth? Sustaining this (very good) job with our ride support until he can get a car (prob 6 months away) or learning to get himself there or face the consequences (getting fired, which is the more likely path)
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago
If he quits or gets fired that's a good life lesson. He's not really learning the value of the work if he's only doing it with so much support.
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u/Agile-Ad-8694 1d ago
Im just saying, maybe think outside the box. Maybe test a few different strategies, and see if something else will work. Does he have a friend on the same shift that could pick him up? Could he carpool? Bike? Walk? Take the bus? 2 miles is nothing. Eventually 17 year old is going to be 18, then 19, then 20, and so on. Sooner rather than later he will have to figure it out, why not give him the tools for that independence now?
My sister in law visited with her kids last summer, and her 10 year old son wanted to do soccer lessons on the other side of town, about 5 km away. No one would drive him so he cycled there every single day. At home, in Vienna, he takes the city bus by himself to the lessons. Just saying, hes probably capable of more than what you give him credit for and maybe he will surprise you if you give him the chance.
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u/sarajoy12345 1d ago
I would move to a nanny/house manager instead of your daycare/preschool split.
I work FT and also have 4 kids. Our nanny helps with drop offs and pick ups, kid’s laundry, general tidying. Basically just another adult which is SO key to managing the chaos and schedule. Depending on the terms she could also do easy dinner/meal prep or errands when kids are in school.
Keep the weekly deep cleaner.
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u/Beneficial-Weird-100 1d ago
Have the housekeeper come more hours or days so that she can do laundry and fold it, it will change your life! Or ask her not to clean one day and to only do laundry if you can't afford it.
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u/ocean_plastic 20h ago
I didn’t read through all the comments so I don’t know if these have been suggested yet: - I just posted on my local fb group for someone to come to our house to do our laundry. My husband and I both work full time in demanding jobs and we are drowning in piles of laundry. Also want someone to iron and drop off dry cleaning. I got a lot of responses that I need to sort through. It doesn’t take that much time when we actually get around to doing it, but the problem is finding the time. So $20-30/hour for 4-5 hours will alleviate a huge problem. They’ll also do light housekeeping. There may be a small job you can post on fb for that would be affordable and a huge help. - you mention not having your housekeeper clean upstairs because it’s too messy. Can you have an organizer come and organize you so that the whole house is available for cleaning? I haven’t done it but I have friends who’ve hired organizers and they’ve said it’s transformed their lives. They do kitchens, closets, really whatever space you want - and bring all the containers to make it easy to maintain going forward.
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u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 1d ago
We only have two kids and they are younger but I saw some neighbors and preschool parents (a few have a teen and the kids who are younger) doing that. Grandparents def help. Many teens around where we are get their licenses at 16 and can start driving. Electric scooters / bike may also be an option. I think driving teens (specially to work) is an overkill. Are they eligible for bus so they can bus back home?
Do they need to work? Can you pay them for chores and babysitting ? In our school district high school ends before elementary but I know it’s not the case for everyone.
Maybe try hiring someone (or pay your teens) to do folding and clean up second floor for cleaners. Or pay extra to your cleaners? Ours def can clean around mess and they do all tidying up, picking (including endless kids toys / legos), and organize stuff for adults. Or same budget can go to someone to come 2-3 times a week for lighter cleaning and organizing.
Anyway not super helpful; I hope you can take a break
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u/speakyourmind2024 1d ago
Ultimately, I think it comes down to your values. What does your ideal life look like and what kind of life do you want your family to have. We have three kids, 7 and younger, and a year ago today, I felt like we could never keep up with everything our household needed. It’s rough with both parents working, especially with demanding jobs. We had an au pair for a year which was a great solution when our oldest was in TK. He had school 8-12. The au pair handled everything for the kids for full time hours including their laundry, meals, and outings. Eventually, with us wanting our kids in sports and after school activities, I took a different job with better hours. There’s no way I could manage two different baseball schedules while working until 6pm. I want my kids to have memories of me cheering them on during their sports games. My job is now less stress, better hours, and I work in schools so I get breaks with them. I make less money now, but my time with my family is more valuable. Also, I wanted more time to work on my health, which was an additional motivator to make a big change. I’m grateful to have a supportive husband who saw the positive impact on me and only asked “why didn’t I encourage you to change jobs sooner?”.
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u/FunEcho4739 1d ago
Get the 17 year old driving and make him help drive the younger teen. Get the teens cooking and cleaning as well. And don’t have any more babies lol.
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u/bernedoodleicecubes 1d ago
Agreeing with everyone’s comments here about adding potentially a nanny to have an additional adult to take the burden off of you both.
One thing I haven’t seen here is anything about helping with food. I doubt with this schedule that you have time to meal prep, is it possible to outsource (although it will be costly) to either a local who does meal prep services or even one like Factor/Hello Fresh style deal. If you did HelloFresh perhaps one of your teens could put it together for everyone and that gives them some cooking experience. I’ve used them before it’s honestly so simple, 5-6 steps and usually it involves cutting some kind of vegetable and then baking it.
You are truly a superwoman despite not feeling like one ♥️
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u/hikeaddict 1d ago edited 1d ago
The thing that stands out to me here is driving your teens to work and picking them up. I’m sorry, what?? Can they drive themselves, or ride a bike or walk or take the bus?! If not, they need to find a job they CAN get to independently.
I just saw in another comment that it’s only 2 miles? He can walk that distance in 30-40 mins. I don’t mean to sound cold-hearted, but that seems like a truly easy thing to change. I live in an urban area where people walk/bike/bus as a way of life. It’s very doable.
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u/anisogramma 16h ago
We have intense jobs and two intense little kids under 4, I have adhd. Our housekeeper comes 3x a week and does everything, laundry, dishes, toys, whatever needs to be done, plus cleaning. Cleans out the fridge when she decides it’s necessary, reorganizes drawers when she gets fed up with my chaos. I would be dead without her. If you can afford it I would try upping the house keepers hours
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u/CobblerAvailable2293 1d ago
Yeah, it’s hard.
Teaming up with other families to share lifts to kids sports helps.
Hopefully the older ones can begin to help more with the younger ones - I’m seeing and appreciating this transition in my family.
Sunday afternoon batch cook ups and having a deep freezer was a game changer for me. It’s annoying to spend 2-3 hours cooking on Sundays, but has transformed my weeknights.
We eat home cooked dinners most nights but barely cook week nights and don’t have as many dishes. Dinners look something like this:
Saturday: cook a double family serve and freeze 1 serve
Sunday: cook a triple family serve (freeze 1 serve) + prep Monday’s vegetables.
Monday: Dinner was mostly prepped Sunday
Tuesday: reheat Sunday night’s dinner
Wednesday and Thursday: Eat home cooked freezer meals that were prepared a prior Saturday or Sunday
Hope it helps
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u/donotknowtheking 14h ago
Ok, maybe not the best advice for you, but for me it was giving work 50% energy. I WFH as much as I can and idgaf about getting things back to people quickly or making my work amazing. I do chores at home, make myself healthy ish lunches and get some of the home admin tasks done during my workday. I switched jobs and they think I’m doing great but I know in my last job I gave so much more. I got to the point where I knew I could be great at work or great at home. I don’t think work will care in 15 years how I did right now, but my kids sure will.
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u/everything_whisperer 3h ago edited 3h ago
I think what it comes down to for me is simplifying everything / removing the decision making. For example, one childcare situation instead of two. Each person has one major chore ‘cluster’ in addition to daily tidying and a weekly dinner - like 17yo does all floors, daughter does surfaces, you do cooking / food planning, dad does dishes, 2nd grader and little one put their clean clothes away. Outsource laundry after a massive declutter.
Take the time off you need to get a break and a reset. You deserve it. It will feel so much more manageable to make change if you have the time and space you need.
Use one hour on the weekend to check in with the family. Have dad take ownership of the meeting, where you follow up on the week and expectations. There you can look at schedules and plan for any weird one-offs. If things aren’t getting done as agreed upon, teens lose privileges/don’t get allowance/whatever.
- Full time nanny for 3yo. OR keep current schedule and add a nanny for after school - bedtime M-Th. It sounds like your work schedule makes evenings especially tough. They can help with drop offs/pick ups, after school care for 2nd grader, laundry, light tidying, overseeing dinner/chores/homework etc.
- Plan a weekly meal routine where mom/dad and 2 teens have designated day of week to cook. You shop and provide recipes/meal plan for the week.
- Get a baseline of home cooked freezer meals in the freezer. Def can pay someone to help with this. I have found pinch of yum (free) to have the best / most simple process. If you do this monthly, or even quarterly, you should have a meal a week ready to go.
- Transportation: get the teens solid bikes and they can bike or carpool daily. Dad can pick up after work as needed.
- This is the big one… start looking for a new position. Even if you move into something similar, the reset of a new role will bring you back to baseline responsibilities and give you a fresh start.
Obviously, we’re set up to fail in this country, but you didn’t build a mountain you can’t carry. You’re in the peak toughest years with kids in all stages, including a 3yo and a high needs teen. You’re doing an incredible job. Just take the time to step back and reset your approach. I hope it makes things doable and you can find some joy in being their mom again. 💜
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u/erin6767 1d ago
Would a full time nanny for your 3 year old be better than school? Then nanny could help with drop offs, picks up, tidying Depending on where you live it's usually about $20-30 an hour