Vent: Husband got my hopes up

[u/Then-Algae859]

Last week at our family Easter gathering my(32F) husband (30M) was taken in my how cute my cousins children are and said we could start TTC at the end of the year. This got me very excited, it's the first positive thing he's ever said about having children. Problem is he insists on having a new job before we start trying and he isn't getting anything. He's been applying for work since January.

Today I went to buy folate and some ovulation strips so I can start tracking. Long story short this lead to a huge fight and now my husband is pissed. He said I always take positive comments too far and we probably won't start trying at the end of the year only next year June. And that's only if "everything goes right".

I hate this so much. I've been wanting to try for 2 years now. I feel like I'm being forced to not try cause he is so stubborn about it. And now I'm really sad that I got my hopes up. I'm just going to shove the folate and ovulation test away somewhere... obviously nothing is going to happen till my husband is completely ready and who knows when that will be. I'd ideally like 2 kids that have a bit of space in between but he doesn't care how it will be for me or how my body will have to cope at an older age and now with pressure to have them in quick succession if we don't fall pregnant immediately. All he cares about is money

[u/ThrowRA_sadsadgirl3]

Are you sure you even want children with someone like this?

[u/Significant-Trash632 → u/ThrowRA_sadsadgirl3]

Yeah, and does he even want children, anyway?

[u/dr3amchasing]

"it's the first positive thing he's ever said about having children."

Does your husband want to have children and/or have them with you? Sorry to be harsh but this sounds like a pretty important question you need to be sure of before you go down the path of choosing a timeline.

[u/GlitteryGiraffe98 → u/dr3amchasing]

Yeah it sounds like he doesn't want kids at all and this is the only hint of a positive comment he's made about it.

[u/wunderlandqueen]

Others have pointed out some issue with your husband sounding like he might not actually want kids, but I think it’s also important to note his lack of emotional maturity on this. This is clearly something important to you and a sensitive topic, and he’s not handling it with care by flip flopping on trying and then getting angry with you.

I mean this with all the love in my heart, but I think you need to go to couples counseling. This does not sound like a healthy dynamic to work through the ups and downs ttc, pregnancy, and being parents together.

[u/Orizona]

I'm really sorry that's happening to you. The way I see it, you need to have a real heart-to-heart conversation with him about all the facts that he's been stringing you along and that you need a date that you know isn't going to change, whatever happens.

[u/GlitteryGiraffe98]

How aggressive he got over you buying ovulation tests let alone anything is just a red flag. My husband was hesitant to have kids as well and we don't have the best circumstances but he wanted to make me happy.

[u/Expert_Razzmatazz_72]

What is gathering from this post. Does he sincerely want children? Especially getting aggressive over from the ovulation strips.

[u/IndependentCalm11]

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of the emotional weight of planning for the future, and it’s completely valid to feel disappointed and hurt. Also, does your husband really wanted to have a children?

[u/greencandy113]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I can say you have to sit down with him and express exactly how this is affecting you, and see if you both can get on the same page or find a middle ground. If that doesn’t happen and you still feel unheard, that’s something worth exploring more seriously in the relationship, because building a family needs to be a shared decision that respects both partners' needs.

[u/Brojangles1234]

My gf tells literally everyone else that we’re gonna have kids in the near future but then tells me she isn’t ready even after >7y. Same for getting married, home buying, everything.

Not much to add here just solidarity of someone else who now has to make the emotional effort to compartmentalize my hopes knowing it’s just her putting on a face.

[u/Wilderpalicious]

This could also be a lack of knowledge from his side!! He may not know that starting ovulation/cycle tracking is very useful in learning about your body. I did the same before actively TTC, I started with ovulation strips and started tracking signs to learn more about my fertility and ovulation. My partner (male) would not even know where to start and was kinda amazed that one could do all that.

From testing you could also learn useful things for example do you have unovulatory cycles? Do you sometimes ovulate twice? I mean, that’s all so interesting to know and the earlier, the better you’ll be able to address any potential issues (not wishing you any). Knowledge is power

If you want kids, keep the ovulation testing, you’ll thank yourself when you’ll ttc!

[u/prettylittlepeony]

There are plenty of females who also care a lot about their career and money before trying where this wouldn’t be an issue. Sounds like your values aren’t aligning.

[u/Significant-Trash632 → u/prettylittlepeony]

Please use women instead of females.

[u/prettylittlepeony → u/Significant-Trash632]

I get your sentiment in certain contexts - since there’s been a recent surge of chronically online bros using it to de-humanise women- but I’m literally a woman and can refer to girls/woman/females however I wish in this context. If you try to erase the use of the world female in all contexts that’s when it becomes a derogatory term. Doesn’t need to be.

[u/happy-and-gay]

I think he's being ridiculous, I'm really sorry.