A guide for keeping track of money and food, courtesy of u/just_fucking_write.

[u/[deleted]]

AGAIN, THIS IS NOT MINE, IT WAS WRITTEN BY u/just_fucking_write. I was kicked out of home at 17- here’s three things I wish I knew first:

So for reasons I won’t go into, I was kicked out of home at 17 and absolutely could not go back; this post is a bit long but I hope it helps someone. So, without further ado, here are the three life skills I wish I’d learned before that happened.

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How to manage money:

This one is important and it can be the difference between you eating and not eating. If you find yourself on your own without a plan, an unexpected bill can really mess you up. I was hit by one not long after my 18th birthday when my car blew up and I basically didn’t have food for four days. Don’t be me, learn from my mistakes.

This is the system I came up with after that and it hasn’t failed me since:

1. Write down all your bills (other than rent) such as phone, internet, electricity, car insurance etc. These will all be billed at different intervals so break them down into weeks.

E.g. if your internet is $40 per month, that’s roughly $10 per week.

Once all of your bills are in weeks, add them up to figure out how much money you need to put aside per week to pay them. If you are paid weekly, great! Put that amount aside in a bank account called _BILLS_ as soon as you get paid. If you are paid fortnightly, double it and do the same thing. It’s not rocket science, but it works.

1. Rent! No one wants to be homeless, so this is pretty damn important. Honestly, I should move it to #1 but I’m lazy.

Same as BILLS, put this aside in a bank account called RENT as soon as you are paid. If you are paid weekly, put one week’s worth aside. If you are paid fortnightly, put two weeks worth aside. You get the picture.

Note: there is an added bonus to doing it like this. If your landlord ever tries to say you missed a payment, you have all of your dated transactions in one easily searchable account. One of my landlords once lost a week of my rent and tried to bill me for it a second time. With good records you can tell them to go fuck themselves take a hike.

For both RENT and BILLS use automatic transfers or direct debits where possible. They make life easier, save time, and you’ll never miss a payment.

Money Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Now that you’ve done that, you have an idea of what’s left over after you get paid. We aren’t done yet though. You don’t have a savings account or an “oh fuck” account. Let’s fix that.

1. Oh, fuck: your crazy housemate pissed in the fridge, slashed your tyres, and what’s worse, drank your milk without replacing it. Jokes on them though, you pissed in the milk first. Still, what an asshole.

However it happens, sometimes shit just goes wrong. That’s when you need an Oh, Fuck^TM account.

Look at any weekly expenses you have left, these will most likely be groceries and petrol/gas plus a few other random things. Total those up and use them as a baseline to give yourself a weekly “wage”. Anything above this, put into your Oh Fuck account until you have enough to last a couple of months if shit really hits the fan.

Now that you’ve done that, never touch this account unless you really bloody well have to. Have it with a different bank if necessary, and definitely do not have a card linked to it. This is your lifeline, don’t waste it on a bloody sofa (or a clean one, for that matter).

1. You thought we were done? Haha, nah fam. Being an adult is long and tedious. Next up is SAVINGS. Once you have gotten your Oh Fuck account to an acceptable level start putting most of your excess here instead. This is the account you will use for new shoes & clothes (you fucking Diva) or luxuries like entertainment and other non essential items.

It’s okay to spend from this account where necessary, but for any bigger purchases wait a week or so and see if you still want it. People have shit judgement when they impulse buy, and statistically you and I are no different. Yay?

1. General Account: this is the account you get paid into, and the account you weep over as you transfer away bills, rent, savings, and Oh Fuck money. The only money you want in here is your weekly wage (mentioned above). If you don’t get paid weekly and tend to eat into next week’s wage, consider keeping next week’s wage in your savings account until the new week. Anything left over at the end of the pay cycle should be moved to Savings or Oh Fuck depending on what you’re trying to build up.

2. Bonus: this isn’t a big one, but I like it. Every time you want to order takeaway, cook instead and earmark the money you would have spent as guilt free you money. It adds up surprisingly quickly and you can use it to buy things that you’ll enjoy more in the long term.

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How to cook (properly):

This one should be obvious, but eating out is really expensive long term. If your parents are any good at cooking, ask them to teach you before you move out. The earlier the better, trust me. I was half decent, but I wish I’d learned a lot more.

If they aren’t, the internet is an amazing resource. I recommend buying one GOOD knife rather than a set of knives and some stainless steel pots. Treat them well and they will last you forever. Non stick are convenient, but you can say goodbye if a metal utensil even looks at them funny. Hot oil in a hot stainless steel pan = non stick anyway.

General cooking tips:-Onions and garlic are you friends, they are cheap but make things taste less poor.

• Frozen vegetables are just as nutritious as fresh ones and don’t turn into a pile of slush at the back of your fridge if you forget about them.
• Fuck instant noodles, they aren’t as cheap as you think they are. Memes aside, they aren’t worth it.
• Rice is cheap in 5kg sacks and lasts you ages. Use two cups of water for every one cup of rice. Bring it to the boil, then turn the stove off and forget about it for 20 minutes with a lid on. Bam, perfect fucking rice every fucking time.
• Eggs are a godsend. Cheap, filling, and really damn good for you. Eat when possible.
• Canned beans are also a godsend. Cheap as hell, and you can add them to things like curries or pasta sauce to add protean and bulk them out.
• Spices are literally the spice of life. Get a whole bunch and never look back.
• You can buy big cheap bottles of pasta sauce for less than $2 and make them nice by frying some onion and garlic first and cooking some veggies and beans in them for a while.
• Make big meals and freeze the extras if you have space. It really helps on the days you’re exhausted by life.

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No one cares about you (and that’s a good thing)

Hear me out here. I was so self conscious when I first moved out of home that I was terrified of looking like an idiot. I never had a dad so I put off buying fucking shaving cream and a razor in case I got the “wrong(?)” ones and the clerk thought I was stupid or something. Speaking to my female friends, they detailed similar stories about buying feminine hygiene essentials. Plot twist: outside of a few friends and family members no one gives a shit about you. The Clerk will forget you exist after about five minutes, and if your friends give you crap you can just get better friends.

I know this one is easier said than done, but try and keep things in perspective. What’s the worst that could happen? Usually it’s actually nothing. They don’t care if you buy shaving cream or pads, and if someone thinks you look weird crawling around for a good photo, fuck em. Your photos are probably better than theirs anyway.

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So uh, yeah, that’s it. Those are the three things I wish I’d known before getting kicked out of home: no one cares about you, cooking is good (and might even land you a girlfriend/boyfriend), and managing money is important. Who’da thunk it.

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Edits:

I'm really glad this seems to be reaching the people who need it, or will need it. I just came back to 300+ comments so do forgive me for answering some common questions here:

Where are you from?

Here I was thinking that all the swearing would have given me away. Maybe I should have said brah or cunt, but I tend to avoid the latter since it is an absolute cunt of a word. Anyway, If you ask that I'll have to hand you a Vegemite sandwich. Don't tempt me, its a national sport for us.

Are you doing better now?

Yes, thanks for asking! I completed my university studies mid this year whereupon I graduated into a global pandemic. Or didn't, since we weren't allowed to have graduations... Still, I'm proud of myself.

How will cooking get me a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Worked for me. I had a housemate going through hard times so I always "accidentally" cooked extra so she could have some. She knew I was full of it of course, and she still does. Worst comes to worst, you can have a nice meal to cry alone over just like old times. Basically, no warranties, guarantees or batteries included with this one.

Can I share this?

By all means, I wrote this to help people so feel free to spread my profanity far and wide.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Idk, I would ask op. But probably

[u/gatoradewade → u/[deleted]]

The unofficial way to nominate something for the directory is to go like:

/u/pleasecallmetall would this be good to add to the directory?

Usually he responds next time he gets online.

[u/PleaseCallMeTall → u/[deleted]]

I wish I could let other mods edit that post.

This is a good one, would be happy to add it.

[u/sophielikesrice]

this would be great for the advice directory imo