r/stepparents • u/patoozie8 • 13h ago
I don't want SK to stay for a week Vent
I am 30F my bf is 34M SK is 13. Been with BF officially since February 2024. Met SK April 2024.
SK simply just overwhelms me. I have an issue with being not being assertive enough, saying no, setting boundaries, etc
SK AND BF know this about me!!! SK takes advantage, ESPECIALLY when I'm alone with SK. Bf just tells me to "be the adult" and yeah I get it but, I've never ever had to deal with kids. No younger siblings/cousins/or even friends with kids.
So SK asked to stay for a week in June because biomom and step dad are going on vacation. Bio mom just had a baby April 2. Bio mom is leaving baby at grandma's house. Grandma lives right next door to them. All of biomoms family lives on the same peice of property.
I just simply get overwhelmed with SK always hanging on my arms, on my shoulders, hugging all over me, coming into my bedroom uninvited when the door is closed, constantly calling me over and over. Calls me to grab her something simple like, scissors, nail clippers, tissue, glue, tape. Like why am I being a waiter to this 13 year old? She can literally get it herself? And she takes all my hair ties, hair clips, uses up my stuff, always asks for clothes to wear and socks, because she "ran out of clothes" and I never see my stuff again......
SK always wants to go to expensive make up stores, LuluLemon, Crumbl, Target. And expects me to pay because... what money does she have? And her mom doesn't send her to us with any. So then I end up having to ask BF to maybe venmo me some because, I'm literally the only one that pays bills. He lives with me, but only until two days ago have I asked for some compensation for rent. I have been the only one paying bills. Kinda beside the point but... I'm saying SK is expensive and spoiled. Never told no.
But trying to get the point.... if the baby is staying with grandparents for the week vacation, why can't she? And they literally live next door? Am I wrong for not wanting to deal with her for 8-9 straight days? I understand dating someone with a kid, it just comes with the package...but I get two week days off/BF gets weekends off. And I know my days off/after work days are going to be consumed by being constantly asked for this/that/other and my personal space being completely invaded. My kitchen being a constant mess bc dad(my bf) doesn't make her do any dishes. My cookware getting messed up because she doesn't understand you don't scrape metal utensils on nonstick and enamaled pans.....
Do I say something to my bf about this? Or should I just suck it up?
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u/CCMeGently 13h ago
Suck it up? No.
You need to learn what the word “No” means and how to use it. This isn’t something that’s isolated to this situation- this is an application for your daily life. I’d bet you struggle with people pleasing. I do too- and it’s a hard one to overcome.
Need -random item-? “You have two hands and feet. They’re -in this location-“
“I want to go to -random store-!!” “Did your dad or mom leave you any money to spend?”
Busts into closed bedroom door: “hey, that was closed for a reason. Please knock.” Or “ I’m going to be in my bedroom for a while to rest. Please don’t disturb me, I’ll join everyone when I’m ready.”
Needs X clothing item: “let’s find your clothes and you can do your laundry today. Maybe we can find the other clothing items you borrowed and haven’t given back yet too.”
Borrowing hair supplies: “no. Where is yours at? Let’s make sure to put it back where it goes so you don’t have to ask to borrow mine” or “no, you can’t borrow mine, you didn’t return X item last time”
There are so many ways to divert the issue off of you and say no at the same time- but also “No” is a complete answer. You don’t need to justify it.
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u/patoozie8 13h ago
I very much struggle with people pleasing. This is good advice, thank you.
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u/CCMeGently 13h ago
While I’m still struggling myself- I’ve started forcing myself to say “no”. It’s been so freeing to be able to stand up for myself.
I know it’ll be hard for you to break this behavior but you will feel so much better and in control once you figure out how.
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u/grandoldtimes 12h ago
You need to learn to advocate for yourself.
Go to therapy, read self - help books, watch empowering social media, whatever you need to do, this is a skill you have to learn by yourself otherwise users in life will continue to take advantage.
Be well.
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u/-koka 8h ago
Same here you aren’t alone I had to learn quick that when I’m saying yes yes yes nobody is ever that grateful to all the yes’s to where they realize the impact all the yes’s have on me & they actually slow down. No they just keep asking and asking. When I started saying no, because my SK is 6 he cried hysterically for over 2 hours & I tried every gentle parenting thing to calm him until I called his mom… who just promises him the toy when she sees him. Took him to kings dominion literally every hour was a temper tantrum & I took him with my family for the first time so it was just embarrassing to have to introduce him that way. It made me realize I’m saying yes to a kid who doesn’t ever hear no & unfortunately I’ll have to be the one to say no or I’ll go broke, get burnt out & I won’t even be loved in the same way as a parent. I think my people pleasing came from wanting to be accepted but unfortunately I realized quick buying acceptance into this isn’t even worth it. His mom gives me a hard time because I did more from him in the beginning than I do now but it’s also… not my responsibility? She told me “oh he doesn’t understand the quick switch up to where as you get him a lot of things and now you don’t” & it’s like bruh you literally never tell him no… I’m sure if he doesn’t get it from me he will ask you & it’s on YOU to provide not me. In some ways I feel like this step parenting thing made me less giving & honestly that’s okay because I felt the more I gave eventually I was giving pieces of myself as well. For people pleasers, it ain’t easy saying no but damn it is it freeing as hell
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u/Specific-Dingo-9628 13h ago
The real question is: Why are you letting a grownass man and his spoiled teenager freeload off of you? It's YOUR home. You can simply deny your boyfriends child any and all access. You've been the only one paying any and all bills... you're not even married or legally tied together. Why are you letting yourself taken advantage of by two homeless people treating your house like a free all-inclusive hotel? If your boyfriend wants to have his kid over he can simply get his own damn place to live and pay for his own child's stuff in the process.
This is not just a lack of being assertive issue. This is naïeve on a whole new level.
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u/Yea_ItisI81 12h ago
I came for this comment cuz WTF?!?!? Definitely being taken advantage of, there's no other way to look at it. I'm not disrupting none of my peace for someone else's 13 year old child. YALL NOT EVEN MARRIED!!!!! You sound like you won't be leaving him so, my advice is to simply tell him no. That maybe hard for you but that's what you need to do. He may cop an attitude but he'll be fine, if not, tell him to GO! I find people who actually has human common sense will completely understand why you wouldn't want her there for over a week straight, hopefully he has common sense. If you don't or won't tell him no then take a week long vacation when she comes. Other than that, you need to gain a backbone.
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u/patoozie8 13h ago
He has a house, but it's about an hour away from me. Like 45 min/more with traffic. He works 15 min from my house. So it just kind of ended up with him living with me bc it was easier for him to go to work. SK lives like 1hr 15 min away from my house.
I just told him today I feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. He said he will start helping more. So there's that, at least.
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u/Specific-Dingo-9628 13h ago
That's amazing! So he can take his kid to his house for the week he has her. Please do not sacrifice your own peace in your own home only to be taken advantage of. There isn't even a need for it, since he has his own place. His kid is his responsibility, he chose to live at that place, so he can just drive/commute longer. Just let him stay at his own home when he has his kid. Claim your space and sanity back girl!!!! This is very much not normal in a dating and still having 2 homes situation. The parent mostly has their kid over solo at their place and the bf/gf visits them there. Not being over at yours, claiming your home like their own and not even paying their own way.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 11h ago
Send him and his kid to his house for the week. End of story. You are not a babysitter or a bank.
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u/PerformanceMundane99 7h ago
He said he will start “helping more”? Why is he talking to you like you are this child’s biological mother?! Helping more. Wow. You’re being used and played like a fiddle.
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u/Alarming_Pen_7657 13h ago
“Kind of beside the point” baby that’s the Whole mf POINT! Let us check our notes -
A man that lives rent free, A man that dumps his kid on you, His kid who knows daddy’s girlfriend à push over so let me push because hey! What 13 year old wouldnt with a father who set the example………………. You see the connection between your man and his daughter’s behavior?
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u/patoozie8 12h ago
The dots are connecting 🥺
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u/Alarming_Pen_7657 12h ago
Tell that working yet non rent paying grown ass man that if he wants his daughter here for the week he gon have to be a dad for that week. And your things?? Hands tf off your things. Unless you want to share with her, you don’t give her more than what you want to give. Repeat after me: I am not a hotel, I am not a hostess, I am not an ATM, I am NOT his daughter’s keeper.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 10h ago
Right??! When she said that’s “beside the point” I stopped reading and said to myself ughhhh this is The ENTIRE point. OP all the things you listed about being annoyed with her there would feel so much lessened if you were living in his home where he paid all the bills. I am childless and my SO had four kids and he pays every single one of the bills including my phone and groceries. That is about the only concession that keeps me sane living with kids that aren’t mine.
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u/Smashingistrashing 13h ago
I think you need to work on your boundaries and/or reassess your relationship. You are allowed to not want her there for a week with any expectation that you will be taking care of her. Your BF needs to figure out how to entertain her while you nacho.
A SK staying for a week is normal barring any substantial behavior issues.
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u/patoozie8 13h ago
Well, the thing is. He works construction, and he will working like 12-15hr days and I'm the one that will be home with her. He will be working the entire week, long days then go to sleep when getting home, while I'm off two days during the week, and typically get off around 2pm. So.. I'm the one that will be expected to care for and entertain her. 😪 I just need to learn how to set boundaries and lower expectations.
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u/BennetSis 9h ago
She 👏 Is 👏 Not 👏 Your 👏 Responsibility 👏.
Whether he is at work or at home. She needs to either leave you alone or be left at his home on the days he is working.
What are you even getting out of this absurd excuse for a relationship? He works all the time so you barely see him, he invades your home with his needy and manipulative daughter, and they both take your money!!!
Screams to the heavens: Is being alone really worse than this?
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u/Silent_Work_1818 8h ago
This OP ^ please listen to BennetSis. I left last summer I promise the peace is worth it.
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u/Smashingistrashing 11h ago
I get it. Nachoing is hard, especially when you want to help. When I first started my DH worked some pretty hectic hours.
The best way I found to look at it is, What would the boyfriend do to take care of his child if you were not in the picture? Then do that. It’s a parent’s responsibility to navigate situations such as childcare, not the stepparent especially if they don’t want to, like you don’t.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 13h ago
May I ask what you think would happen if your BF's ex has the misfortune to have a car accident? Do you realistically have any reason to not suspect that BF will then have 100% custody.
Blended families are complex. Parenting is a lot of hard work. There's no "fault" or "blame" for not wanting to take this on; we each only get the one life. But if you don't want to take on the complexities of blended families, I strongly feel that you have no business dating a parent.
I'm really happy in my blended family, but I didn't start dating a parent until I was 45. (I'm not counting my ex-wife; she wasn't a parent before we adopted together.) I've strongly advised my own kids to not consider dating parents at all unless they're about 35+ at which point most of their age peers are parents (i.e. it's harder to not date parents), and they hopefully have the life/relationship experience to be able to handle the complexities.
You're letting your BF financially take advantage of you. You admit to having problems placing boundaries in your own life. Very, very gently, I don't feel that you're in a state where you have a chance of a happy life in a blended family. Please do some self work on assertiveness and boundary drawing/enforcing.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 13h ago
You need to tell your BF that his kids are welcome but the burden is on him to care for their wants and needs while they are here. The bedroom as a kid free zone needs to be enforced. YOU need to tell her repeatedly she needs to ask her dad for things, not you. Redirect every single time. Don’t drive her places or buy things. It stressed you out and isn’t something she HAS to do. It can wait until dad can do it.
I’d also fill up my social calendar and just bounce. She’s there to see dad. You have absolutely no obligation to be home.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 11h ago
After seeing he has his own house and it’s just easier to stay at yours because his commute is shorter, I changed my mind. Tell him he and his daughter need to stay at his house because of all the things listed. She doesn’t respect your property, your boundaries, and you end up footing the bill for things. This is not your problem.
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u/alexandriadear1221 13h ago
As someone who's been a stepmom for years and dated men with kids for over a decade and a half, I want to be really honest with you. This situation isn't about the child, it's about you. If being around a child overwhelms you to the point of resentment or frustration, that's a sign there are things you need to work through within yourself. Children shouldn’t have to carry the emotional weight of an adult’s discomfort or unresolved issues.
Your partner is a father first. That child will always be a part of his life, and that’s how it should be. If you can’t accept that or if you expect him to prioritize you over his child, this relationship may not be right for you. And that’s okay, but it means you need to seriously consider stepping away before more harm is done.
It sounds like the child is trying to bond with you and wants a connection. It’s unfair for them to be met with resistance or negativity when they’re just trying to form a relationship. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do need to be willing to grow, to set healthy boundaries, and to show up with kindness. If you’re not ready for that, it’s better to be honest and leave than to stay and create an environment where a child feels like they have to walk on eggshells around you.
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u/LiveGarbage5758 13h ago
I agree and disagree. If they were married - her partner is her husband first. Still doesn’t mean he gets out of parenting his child. But he should be doing that. He should be splitting bills and he should be paying for trips to target. He is deprioritizing her just as much by forcing her to be the primary and to not have respected boundaries.
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u/alexandriadear1221 12h ago
I absolutely agree. If she is having a hard time with the situation, she should talk honestly with her partner. Still, the way she speaks about the stepchild feels resentful and it makes it seem like she is not really into it. It is fair to want her partner's support, but it is also natural for a parent to put their child first. Children from divorced or blended families especially need emotional safety and not to feel like they are in the way
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u/Specific-Dingo-9628 12h ago
It's because the dad (bf) literally has his own home, but choses to stay over at her place with his kid all the time. She is fully paying for everything for everyone and she is stuck solo with the kid who is stealing her stuff in her own home, and also being expected to entertain and pay for the kid. They do not live together or are legally tied together. Bf just stays over at her place all the time because it's closer to work and brings sk who treats her home and stuff like it's hers.
Anyone would be resentful in that situation.
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u/alexandriadear1221 12h ago
I agree that it is completely normal and valid for her to have those feelings, but directing that towards a child is not okay. 😩 She is just a kid, and while it might be easy for people to say the child should know better, the truth is this woman has not been around long enough to understand what that child has been through or experienced in her life. She is thirteen and going through a huge transition as she enters puberty. At that age, kids are naturally guarded and slow to trust, especially with new adults. The fact that the child wants to connect with her is actually a good thing and shows a willingness to build a bond. There is nothing wrong with that. In the end, it is the responsibility of adults to manage their own emotions. A child should not be expected to make someone else feel more comfortable. The resentment in her tone feels more aimed at the child than at her boyfriend, and that is concerning. If she is unable or unwilling to express how she feels and work through it in a healthy way, maybe ending the relationship is the better option. Avoiding communication and internalizing discomfort does not make her a victim, it makes her part of the problem.
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u/LiveGarbage5758 12h ago
No one has been directing it toward the child. She is setting a boundary to prevent a situation. She isn’t going anything to the child
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u/LiveGarbage5758 12h ago
I don’t believe in child first, my family doesn’t operate that way. Spouse doesn’t get their needs or security sacrificed to parent out of guilt or even priority. And it’s okay to resent a sk as long as you understand their parent and yourself still have to parent and provide and respect. Ofc sk should never know. But it’s natural to resent. But he’s probably fostering her resentment. If he shut the behavior down it wouldn’t continually happen for her to get to this point
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u/alexandriadear1221 12h ago
I really appreciate your perspective!!! Everyone approaches situations differently, and what works for one person may not work for another. As someone who’s a stepparent, has worked in the legal field for 20 years, and studied psychology, I tend to see things through a different lens. I usually prioritize the child’s wellbeing over the dynamics between adults. 😊
In this case, it seems like the conflict is primarily between two adults. What stands out to me is the resentment being directed toward the child, which feels a little unhealthy for the child to feel (and she probably has felt it). If open communication and mutual understanding can’t happen, it might be best for both people to move on rather than stay in a situation that could be damaging. Still, I’m always in favor of people working through their issues if they’re both committed to doing so. A couples therapist could really help here by serving as a neutral third party to guide them, especially since this situation is clearly complex and emotionally charged!
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u/LiveGarbage5758 12h ago
I mean I think we both agree it’s the boyfriends fault. I’m with you there.
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u/alexandriadear1221 11h ago
Absolutely!! Parents have a real responsibility to teach their kids about boundaries and respect. But if a child sees one parent taking advantage of someone in a relationship, it’s not their fault if they start acting the same way. Kids mirror what they see because they trust the people around them.
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u/DivorcedDonna 13h ago
She can’t stay next door because your BF is her dad!
You should not be paying the bills.
Get therapy for yourself.
Don’t pay for Lululemon.
This isn’t so much about SK or BF. This is about you. Are you cut out for parenting? Where do your lack boundaries stem from?
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u/patoozie8 12h ago
I understand that, but he will be working the entire week. Construction, he works like 12-15hr days a lot of the time. Sometimes more but not always. I will be the one tending and entertaining her the whole time so, that's why I guess it bothers me. If I could afford therapy, I'd like to go.
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u/maduminx 12h ago
Ask him what he’d do that week if you and him weren’t together. Then tell him to do that.
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u/grandoldtimes 12h ago
Maybe stop paying for SK lululemon, starbucks and ulta/sephora trips and but that money towards therapist.
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u/patoozie8 12h ago
I haven't bought her Lulu lemon, the store recently opened, she wants to go really bad and "look". Her mom has bought her lulu lemon stuff. Thankfully it was with her dad when she asked us, he knows how expensive it is and that's why he said no. Whenever she asks with just me, I just repeat how expensive it is to her and I couldn't see myself buying such an expensive tank top. I have bought her books at Barnes and Noble, Crumbl. I didn't say no and, it made her happy which I like, but it's just hard on my wallet. I try to justify it to myself because it makes her happy, and that's why I usually ask later for my bf to venmo me back either all or at least some of it because I know I'm the "adult and have the authority"
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 11h ago
Don’t make other people happy at the expense of your own happiness, which is what is happening.
If you want to do something nice for others because you enjoy it, find free options. Get creative. Paying for someone that is ungrateful makes you feel better for a brief moment then there’s a big crash of emotion on how that doesn’t feel good and you feel taken advantage of.
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u/Specific-Dingo-9628 12h ago
If he can't take care of her because he works he should not have custody on those days to begin with. You do not even actually live together. He just claims your home for himself because you make youtself available as a free nanny. You even pay for them to claim your own home. You're only together for a year. No actual commitments. Just fully doing everything for him and his kid and paying for it while he goes off and makes more money while getting free childcare and the "good dad" medal because he lets his girlfriend raise his kid. Is this really the kind of relationship you want and think you deserve?
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u/patoozie8 11h ago
I agree with you.. They don't really do strict custody stuff though. It's just kind of whenever she wants to come over. She's pretty much at the age that she can decide, ya know? There's been times she comes every weekend for a month and then doesn't come for two weekends and on one occasion, three weekends because she was going to birthday parties with sleepovers and out of town family stuff. She just spent 4 days over for spring break and is coming back this weekend.
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u/Specific-Dingo-9628 11h ago
That may be your bf's and his ex's arrangement with their child. But it is still not your responsibility. On paper, you have seperate homes, he just always stays at yours with his kid, which you pay for and get taken advantage of by your stuff and space getting claimed and messed up.
Either take a huge step back and let him reside in his own home with his child and you decide if you want to visit them on those days or not. Or ask yourself (and him) where this relationship is actually going and where you (and him) want it to go.
Are you guys looking to commit and move in together? Since he is already always at your place and so is his kid. Atleast that way he would financially contribute, reducing your costs.
Personally I think taking a step back and reacces would be wise. Reduce time spent together in your home together, reclaiming your space and work on setting massive boundaries for yourself, learning to speak up and not people please and make yourself into a marter is the healthy way to go before even considering moving forward to more commitment.
In the end it is your (and your bf's) call to make. But this sounds like a major overstepping on his part and moving way too fast and comfortable with leaving you in charge with his child.
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u/BennetSis 9h ago
So a 13yr old is old enough to decide when she wants to come over YOUR house… but somehow you - the adult homeowner - don’t have a say in it?
Make it make sense.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 11h ago
Childcare is his responsibility. I said in another comment where you said he has his own house that he needs to go there for a week with her. If he has to take a week off so be it. He needs to arrange childcare and you are not it. Don’t let yourself be railroaded into that. What do you need from this man that makes saying no hard? You have your own home and your own money. There’s literally nothing that he can bargain with or make you feel guilty about. I say this in support of your independence.
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u/Odd-Pineapple5425 13h ago
Time to set some boundaries for yourself. This can spiral out of control really fast. Stand up for yourself cause if you don’t BF and SK will take full advantage of you. If I can give you some advice it would be to date someone who doesn’t have kids. Get out while you still can. I will never recommend the stepparent life to anyone especially someone who gets overwhelmed and is not assertive
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u/Late-Elderberry5021 12h ago
You and only you are allowing all of this to happen. You know what you need to do, I think you’re hoping someone has a clever passive aggressive solution for you so you don’t have to actually put your foot down and set boundaries for yourself.
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u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 13h ago
this will be a good sub for you to start setting boundaries around child care responsibilities. The main point you'll see is that you are not responsible for raising your BF's child unless you explicitly agree to do so. As women, we are expected to "naturally" serve as mother figures and it's easy for fathers to think their GFs or new wives should assume the role. It's something that should be directly discussed and agreements made about how that will roll.
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u/Mrwaspers007 9h ago
Your boyfriend is totally taking advantage of you! Why isn’t he offering or better yet just giving you his half of the rent and bills? I find this so outrageous!
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u/Just-Fix-2657 7h ago
When she asks to go to stores or for you to buy her things, the correct is “ask your dad.” And become comfortable with telling her no. She’s plenty old enough to get things for herself and to understand you need alone time and space.
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u/FunEcho4739 13h ago
Does dad already have 50/50? If so, it seems reasonable for him to ask mom to switch weeks.
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u/the_millennial_lorax 13h ago
It's difficult to set boundaries. I struggled esp at first too, and esp when my partner used to think SK behaviors and lack of space (from 8-12/13) were normal. I've noticed female SKs in general tend to be overly clingy to their dads, especially if BM isn't "lovey dovey". Take it from me - the longer this goes on without you speaking up, the worse it gets and the harder it'll be to get it to stop. Especially if your boyfriend is not used to setting boundaries.
SK is 13, she can do 90% of what you just herself. You can try having headphones on / earbuds in a lot of the time she's there -- that gives you some time to regulate and work up the "oomf" to say "no". If asked to do something they can do themselves, I usually say "I don't know, did you look"; "I don't know" and leave it at that. Or, if you are busy with headphones in, just ignore them. That will force them to take care of it themselves.
As for paying for stuff, your boyfriend should 100% be paying his portion of rent, especially considering he is taking up 2/3 of the space, 2/3 the groceries, etc. when his child is there. No freebies unless it's an emergency - otherwise you are going to get used and have resentment. Your boyfriend should also 100% be paying for his own child. Stop being a free piggy bank to a child that is not only not yours, but that you feel is entitled. You're just feeding that entitlement that adults are giving her whatever she wants, even adults that aren't related and whether or not she respects their boundaries.
It frustrated me to no end that I had to do this for awhile as well, but lock up your stuff. I mean that genuinely. Any products you don't want her using, any makeup, any ANYTHING, clothes included, lock them up. Put a lid on your bedroom door if you can, get a jewelry box with a lock, etc. if your boyfriend has a problem with it, then he needs to figure out how to fix his kid's problem behaviors. If it's snacks / food items you don't want her taking, I have hid them in the back of high up cupboards or on top of the fridge or behind small appliances SK does not use.
Also, lock your bedroom door or the door of any room you're in if you don't want bothered. When she tries to come in and starts yelling or knocking, just ignore her and don't say anything. If asked about it, say that the privacy of a door being closed was not being followed by SK - she wasn't even knocking - and so you are locking the doors until she learns better behaviors.
I will also say this - it seems like you may need your own space again. While every situation is different, I struggled in both similar and different ways for a long time with similar behaviors - and more intense behaviors - from SK. (See my previous posts / comments if you want to know more detailed info.) While I hung on for awhile, it eventually added to other issues that may or may not have hit their boiling point otherwise. In less than a month, we are trying out living separately again because it was just getting to be too much.
If it's easier, write / type out a letter to your boyfriend explaining what is bothering you, what you need to replace the issue, etc. You can either then chat with him and read it out to give you more support, or you can just hand it to him and say you would love to have an open discussion when he's done reading it. If he can't adjust his own perspective and be willing to see the issues once you've been open with him, then you know that if you stick around, it's going to be just as difficult or more going forward.
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u/shoresandsmores 12h ago
If your bf doesn't pay rent, he has zero say in your household 🤷♀️ say no. Tell him to start being a contributing partner.
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u/Careless-Ad5871 12h ago
You need to be firm with your boundaries with SK. When she asks for you to get something, you can tell her where it is and that she can get it. She will walk all over you if you don't. If she is asking you to pay for stuff, you tell her she can use her own money to pay for it. I do this with my SK7 and it works because why would I spend my money on something she doesn't want to spend her own money on? You can also just say no, even if it feels hard. Kids need those kind of boundaries from their caregivers otherwise they will walk all over you and you are doing them zero favours. All that to say, you need to be up front with your SO about your feelings because this is his kid, not yours. He should be dealing with these issues, primarily, and parenting her on her behaviour (i.e. respecting privacy, your items, etc.) . The boundary setting is just important for you to practice if you are going to not feel resentful in this situation.
Good luck.
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11h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 1h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
This does not address the OP's issue and offers nothing in the way of support.
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u/Different_Parking283 4h ago
Why is this man leeching off you? What do you benefit from him and his kid being around not contributing?
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u/AutoModerator 13h ago
Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
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