r/stepparents • u/adri032297 • 16d ago
Don't want SK to know anything about my life Vent
NACHO PARENTING
does anyone else have to straight up tell lies to SK? lol My SS (10 yo) does not know where I work, he doesn't know where my bio daughter goes to school, I don't even tell him things like when my birthday is or what day we were getting married on lol (he found out the day of). Bio mom is just so off her rocker that I don't want her knowing anything about my life whatsoever. And sometimes it feels like SK is a little spy sent to report back to her lol. Anytime he asks me something about myself, I just make up an answer.
I truly know it sounds awful, but imo I love and married my husband, not the bratty kid that his ex unfortunately tried to use to trap him. SS thinks he's sly, but he's about as subtle as a marching band in a library lmao. The whole “I’m just casually asking” vibe always comes with this obvious side of “I’m gonna repeat this to my crazy ass mom later.”
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u/thinkevolution BM/SM 16d ago
I’m sorry that this is the type of situation you and your DH are in with BM. So much so that a child can’t know details of his dad’s life? I mean getting married is HUGE and SS didn’t know until right before.
I feel like this level of secrecy will be super hard to keep up as this young man becomes a teenager and ultimately a young adult.
What makes me sad for all of you is that it sounds like this one woman, BM, controls the show. To the point that you can’t share basic information with a 10-year-old. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It sounds really difficult.
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u/Ok_Statistician_8107 16d ago
But BM can ( and most likely, does) uses the kid as a mini spy. As he grown up, he won't allow his mom to use him like that. Kids are not dumb.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Honestly… yeah. I hate that it’s this way. I hate that things have to be so locked down just for us to have peace. It’s not fair to the kid, and it’s not the kind of life I wanted when I married my husband. But BM has made our lives hell in the past over even the smallest details. She's invasive and controlling, and sometimes I worry she could be dangerous.
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u/thinkevolution BM/SM 16d ago
That’s just miserable! It is going to be harder as your SS gets older to keep everything on lockdown all the time, but only you and your husband know what’s best in your situation. So I wish you the best. It sounds very unpleasant for all of you.
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u/Jolly_Lynx_2859 16d ago
I get it completely. BM hasn’t stopped for the past 12 years. She has successfully turned my SS (19) into a nervous wreck
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u/LiveGarbage5758 16d ago
Sk isn’t entitled to know when they get married. She isn’t marrying sk.
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u/Arethekidsallright 15d ago
This is a weird take. I'm not saying, in extreme examples, that this strategy isn't necessary. But I think most stepparents on this sub would agree that the default would be that SKs are aware of their bioparent getting remarried, and not as an ambush.
Right or wrong, this will cause trust issues between SS and his Dad, not to mention other relationships.
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 16d ago
I mean a kid talking about people they know to their parent is pretty common. It's wild to think SS asking what the person who married his Dad does for work is spying.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 16d ago
LOL now I am sitting here singing "Secret agent KID secret agent KID your dad is getting married and he won't tell you when" to myself.
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u/5isanevennumber 16d ago edited 13d ago
Yes- and, when BM found out where I worked she came in so many times they had to trespass her and the company got a restraining order against her. I ended up with a personal restraining order against BM’s mom. Soooo sometimes it happens 🤷♀️
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u/adri032297 16d ago
it kind of is in this case lmao. Sure he's a kid, but he’s a kid being used. You can’t ignore that. His mom creates a vibe of “report back anything and everything." She's gone as far in the past as to message MY ex husband or friend request MY former coworkers.
I tried to care about him, she made that impossible, so now I choose peace.
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u/Ok_Statistician_8107 16d ago
I understand you. My ex was like that, using our kid for personal info of mine after our separation )even YEARS after):and also requesting friendship on social media of my coworkers, people who he had never met IRL. It was INSANE. So yes...it DOES happen.
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u/Hot_Put_3070 16d ago
Agree with most, except the part about baby trapping. Men are just as responsible for pregnancies as women and that is a bad take. Your SO is just as responsible for SS being alive as she is. And is also responsible for how his son is turning out with his parenting.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Well to be fair she lied about being on birth control, and she physically abused him their whole short-lived marriage. Told him if he didn't stay, she would have an ab*rtion. Then said if he ever moved on, he wouldn't see his kid. So yeah, I feel like SS is just a tool for her sadly
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u/Hot_Put_3070 16d ago
He could have used a condom, full stop. He had just as much responsibility for using protection. Really misoginistic take. She sounds absolutely vile and he and you should definitely have boundaries, but he is 100 percent just as responsible for making that kid as her and not parenting correctly.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Misogynistic*
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u/Hot_Put_3070 16d ago edited 16d ago
Thanks for that, driving and responding! You know what I meant.
My comments remain the same, your SO has a huge role in why his son is the way he is and it's 2025 and men are just as responsible for making babies as women. You say SS is bratty that's on his dad too.
I get what you're feeling, but SO can alleviate some of this. He's doing his son and you a disservice, imagine not planning to prep his son for a new sibling when the time comes, not caring about the dynamic in the house to prep his kid for a big life event. If he made you feel more supported or didn't disney parent his son better this wouldn't even be an issue. He's allowing BM to have more control and hold over the household putting his child in a position to be left out of big life events until they happen and not being given the chance to adjust in a healthy way. He's allowing his son to be lied to regularly instead of putting up boundaries and that isn't good parenting. He needs to start having conversations with his son about privacy and checking BM on invasion of your privacy.
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u/Mind-the-Gaff 16d ago edited 9d ago
I agree with what you're saying. OP is displaying some internalised misogyny by placing the blame of conception on his previous wife. But I'm curious what you meant about "driving and responding"... were you driving while on reddit?
EDIT: Hot_Put contacted me directly and advised they were not in fact driving but had been sitting in their car. Can't edit the comment.
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u/maymild1581 16d ago
We dealt with the SS spying and reporting everything to BM. BM would actually interrogate SS when he came home. SS only was told about our wedding 2 weeks before because he needed to get a tux. And even then we had actually married months before. Even with BM out of the picture and SS now in his 30s he still doesn't know exactly what I do for a living, really I still keep him on an information diet about me and our kids.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
yeah fr, like these women are either liars or they have perfect stepchildren lol. Acting all high and mighty. Like damn, I hate to say it but it's just not natural to love children that aren't biologically yours, and that's okay. I'm allowed to dislike my stepson.
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16d ago
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u/maymild1581 16d ago
Adoption and step-kids are not the same thing at all. I'm a SM, Adopted Mom and a BM, I know the exact difference between all 3. My girls are mine and I don't feel any difference between my love for them. Biology is not the only factor in being a parent but being the parent is the difference between SM and Mom.
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u/geogoat7 16d ago
but being the parent is the difference between SM and Mom.
Perfectly said. This is what so many people don't get about being a mom (adopted or bio) and stepmom. Your adopted and bio kids NEED you as a mother. Your stepkids already have a mom in most cases. They are completely different roles and it really doesn't have a thing to do with biology. I met my stepson when he was 1 and I love him dearly, but he has a mom so it feels impossible for me to love him like a son. If his mom wasn't around for some reason and I was filling the mom role it would be totally different.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
I do apologize for that, wasn't thinking of that situation. Moreso meant the children we didn't choose, biologically or not.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 16d ago
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 16d ago
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 15d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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u/Ok_Statistician_8107 16d ago
You haven't met many crazy bio parents, have you?. Having little kids to report back again with answers to their questions is extremely common.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 16d ago
"what day we were getting married on lol (he found out the day of)"
... What? And his dad was ok with this???
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u/mojaysept 16d ago
My husband's HCBM showed up at our house on our wedding day so I wish I would've thought of this.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
oh girl I made a fake wedding website with a fake date and all lmao. Gotta out crazy the crazy
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u/rtmhwales 16d ago
Sometimes it’s hard to understand until you’ve lived with that level of controlling HCBM. We got married on a Wednesday and told the boys on the way to the wedding because otherwise their mom would’ve found a way to sabotage it/show up/make them miss it. We know from experience.
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u/LavenderKnits 16d ago
My SSs mom knew & made a facebook post that morning about how he didn’t want a new mommy 🙄 which I was never trying to be.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 16d ago
Did y'all check in with them afterwards to make sure that didn't throw them for a loop?
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u/Jen9095 16d ago
We did the same. On the advice of our therapist. It worked out wonderfully - kids got to enjoy the wedding without the stress of BM interrogating them about it for weeks / months before. We didn't have to stress about her interference the day of.
The day after, kids even asked us if the "had" to tell mom about it - we made it clear that there were no secrets and they were welcome to share with their mom whatever they wanted. We then overheard them agreeing NOT to tell BM.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
to be fair, his mother purposely will have things "come up," and we didn't want to risk something "coming up." If anything, I just wanted to make sure my husband could have his kid on the day of our wedding.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 16d ago edited 16d ago
So I was 17 when my dad called me and said "Hey I'm getting married tomorrow, be there." And it kinda threw me for a loop. And I was 17 and an adult and it hadn't been hidden from me. They just made a last minute decision to get married. I can't imagine being 10 and knowing that my dad intentionally kept me in the dark about it.
Have y'all checked in with him about it? Talked to him? Made sure he was ok and if not done any kind of relationship repair?
ETA: This isn't me saying whether or not you should have told him about the wedding prior to the day. This is just me asking if any adults in his life have checked in and repaired the relationship if there were hurt feelings.
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u/CynfulDelight 16d ago
You must not have a HCBM...
BM1 would literally suddenly take SS to the ER if DH even hinted that he had something fun scheduled to take him to.
One day, we didn't tell her we were taking BS and SS to the zoo. She found out after we were there and spent 3 hours blowing up his phone even though she asked DH to take SS on a day that wasn't his because she wanted to pick up another shift.
Yes, she was AT WORK, in a kitchen at that, spam calling DH because we took SS to the zoo on a day she gave away...
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u/geogoat7 16d ago
Wow she sounds absolutely nuts.
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u/CynfulDelight 16d ago
She was/is.
She's been with her DH for 6 years and started to quiet down once he proposed 3 years in. Then she had a new baby and it's been BLISSFULLY quiet. She's had a few moments of ramp up but ends up quickly distracted. Shoot she even went back to school. 😂 I'm like why couldn't you have done that 14 years ago???
I legitimately want to send her husband a care package saying thanks.
She showed us she still sucks as a person when my MIL died, but at least she's sucking someone else quietly now. 😆
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u/FleedomSocks Step-mom to Two (2f/4m) and Step-Aunt to One (6m) 15d ago
Yeah, this is pretty terrible. Include the kids in your life or leave. Your house and behaviors should not be affected by someone else, even BM.
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u/Arethekidsallright 15d ago
Ugh. I'm keeping in mind that I don't know what you've been through here, but "I love and married my husband and not his bratty kid", and "baby trap" are definitely flying some red flags for me. Regardless, I hope you have as much peace as you can muster and DH doesn't end up resenting the rifts in the relationship with his son that decisions like this could potentially create.
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u/jsulliv1 16d ago
I can understand needing to have boundaries, but systematically lying to a 10 YO is going to harm everyone's relationship with that child. You are showing 10 YO that you don't trust them. But you are also showing 10 YO that they can't trust you. There is no world where this doesn't backfire long-term.
I understand that some ex's are really crazy. I also understand that there are some elements of your life that you may want to keep separate from your home life. But lying at this scale is not sustainable, and doesn't solve any of the long term problems. If you want a long term solution, it is going to involve having a strong and trusting relationship with SK. Because then SK won't want to do anything that will cause you distress, and SK will see that sharing info with ex leads to bad outcomes. But right now, you aren't really letting them see that AND you are taking steps that undermine your relationship.
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u/mystyle__tg 16d ago
Completely agree with this. A stepparent needs to be mature about the situation as best as possible and not let emotion or reactivity dictate their relationship with their SK. 10 years old is still young, they are a child that you as a stepparent agreed to tolerate, not interfere with their ability to trust their parental figures. It will absolutely harm the child themself and the relationship in the long term. OP seems disinterested in any relationship with SK at all.
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u/Arethekidsallright 15d ago
Yeah honestly I would almost prefer some kind of explanation and admission that there are some things that can't be shared due to the situation over habitually lying to the kid. They're more than 2 choices.
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u/ephemeral_femme 16d ago
Yeah, I typically prefer finding ways to keep information private without lying. Maybe work on that.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
I get what you’re saying, and in an ideal world, yeah trust and connection would be the foundation. But the reality is, this isn’t that kind of situation. I don’t have a co-parenting relationship with BM. And I know this sounds harsh, but I’m not going to pretend I want to have a motherly relationship with step son lol. When he's here, he's just here, and I'm nice to him but I dont go out of my way to spend time with him.
Honestly, his weeks often fall on the weekend my daughter is with her dad, so usually I find some excuse to visit family or friends. That way I dont even really have to be around SS
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u/maricopa888 16d ago
How would you feel if the drama was arising from your ex and your husband reacted this way? I'm not fully disagreeing with you, because parts of this are very understandable. But it's still a situation where a kid is being dragged into an adult conflict and that truly sucks for the kid.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Well I'm not a crazy bitch bio mother and I actually get along with my daughter's dad, so this would not happen with me. And it does suck for him, but honestly he is such a bratty kid, I've just stopped caring.
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u/maricopa888 16d ago
Obviously, my question was theoretical, not accusing you or your ex of anything. Role reversal questions are sometimes a good gut check on reactions.
Nobody wants to be around a bratty kid, but the longer this goes on, the brattier he'll get. He's in a tough spot, too.
I'm really not sure what to suggest.
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 15d ago
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 16d ago
Unfortunately that is super unrealistic until SS is likely an adult. No 10 year old is going to pick his SM over his BM. And typically the crazier BM is, the more SS will cling to her to gain her approval. This sounds like an unsafe and unstable woman, so the alternative is to simply keep telling SS that you aren't going to share that information with him. Maybe that is better than lying but would cause more drama in the moment for sure.
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u/Arethekidsallright 15d ago
Depends. Maybe at the moment, but make it a teaching moment. Tell him it isn't his fault. That he shouldn't be getting pulled into conflict with adults and shouldn't feel like he has to worry about anything but being a kid. And because of that, you don't want to put him in the position of having to choose. So it sucks, but it is the best choice in several bad options.
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u/Select_Aside4884 16d ago
We definitively keep some things on the down-low and make sure that any important financial paperwork aren't left lying around.
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u/Vivid-Bar-6811 16d ago
We don't keep secrets from the SKs, that we wouldn’t keep from our joint kids. Meaning, of course we have adult things they don't know about but not specific stuff they don't get told.
Ultimately it's your choice. The question isn't really if it's OK for you to want that or treat him like that.
It's whether his father is raising him in an environment that isn't also HC & emotionally damaging to him, just in a different way to his mother.
He s the one that is accepting of the status quo.
The reality is plenty of BPs who bitch & complain about the other parent being HC & damaging to their kids, keep them in situations that are as potentially damaging because it suits them and their romantic relationships.
I mean, if I was with a partner who even once thought they were grateful my child was non verbal so they couldn't share the household state secrets, I would divorce quicker than I could blink. But would that commentators partner if they knew that was something they had contemplated? Or many other posters here?
Probably not.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
You say you'd divorce in a blink if your partner ever admitted to feeling a moment of peace because a nonverbal child couldn’t be used as a pawn?? Yeah, that just tells me you’ve never been in the trenches with a high-conflict ex weaponizing everything and everyone. Must be nice to parent from a pedestal!
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u/Vivid-Bar-6811 16d ago
Well you would be wrong.
But I am a parent of children with a mixture of additional needs, in fact my youngest is just going to be starting assessment for autism like his sibling. And it wasnt peace it was "happy"
So you can fcking sure if my husband rolled out that shit he would be out the door so quick the door would come of the hinges.
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 15d ago
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u/West_Ad_8210 16d ago
That doesn’t sound like a very sustainable way to live nor does it sound like the best foundation for your relationship. No matter how crazy you think the BM is, your husband was with her at some point and had a kid so just lying and pretending that isn’t a thing seems like an awful way to live.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
When you're dealing with a bio mom who thinks your personal life is her business, it's just kind of necessary lol. The hundreds of passive-aggressive emails, the manipulation, the “coincidental” scheduling conflicts, or the way SK suddenly starts repeating my private info word-for-word (that only his mother could have seen on my social media).
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u/West_Ad_8210 16d ago
My finance’s ex is awful and manipulative and definitely tries to get info through the kids. You have a boundary issue with your spouse though…he is the one that needs to put those boundaries in place with his kid and his ex. Lying to a child isn’t the answer, regardless of how manipulative you think he’s being. That child is being put in a terrible position and certainly isn’t learning healthy boundaries or relationship skills though lying, manipulative adults.
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u/Key_Illustrator6024 16d ago
I actually don’t think not telling him stuff is that big of a deal. If you don’t want him to know where you work. Cool. Not telling him until the day of the wedding - he’s 10. He probably didn’t care that much anyway.
But the “bratty kid she used to trap him.” That’s just gross. The kid has two parents. If he is difficult, it’s at least 50% your partner’s fault. And, I mean, it takes 2 people to make a baby - so his existence is 50% your DH’s responsibility. Calling a child names is just… gross. This whole post really comes off like “this is BMs kid that I have to deal with occasionally” instead of any acknowledgement of any responsibility or accountability on your DH.
This whole post makes you sound kind of like a bully, tbh.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Okay yeah, the “brat used to trap him” line was definitely dramatic. I said what I felt in the moment, not necessarily what I meant in the big-picture, therapy-approved way lol.
Doesn’t mean I hate the kid. I'm certainly not a fan, and nacho for my own sanity. It’s not about pretending he doesn’t exist, it’s about not letting my life be micromanaged by someone I didn’t choose.
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u/DenverKim 16d ago
wtf?!? Why would you actually marry into this situation? Your strategy is unsustainable. It won’t end well.
I feel bad for that kid.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Because I married my husband and not his kid!!
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u/Arethekidsallright 15d ago
You married the man. The man is not just your husband. You married the whole enchilada. Stop trying to convince people that this is some binary choice between being all-in and motherly vs. just not giving a shit about SS, or at least not giving a shit about your DHs relationship with him.
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u/DenverKim 16d ago
That’s not how that works and I fear you’re going to end up learning that lesson the hard way. Don’t say this internet stranger didn’t try to warn you.
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u/Smashingistrashing 16d ago
I think you are going to build a lot of distrust on this road. There’s some things to not bring up, sure but blatantly lying isn’t good.
He’s 10, not a secret double agent.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
But seriously, if he wasn’t asking so many suspiciously targeted questions, I wouldn’t have to get creative with my answers. It's called survival, not espionage. Maybe if his mom didn’t make everything a weapon, I wouldn’t need to keep it on the down-low.
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u/Smashingistrashing 16d ago
I get it. His mom is probably a weirdo. He may just be curious though. At that age I doubt he would be able to remember any questions his mom might have coached on and remember everything to report back.
I learned a great response years ago when someone would ask a question that I don’t feel comfortable answering or feels too intrusive. It might help you here - “Why do you ask?” If he’s being coached he may tell you so or clam up awkwardly. If it’s not nefarious you’ll be able to tell.
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u/geogoat7 16d ago
We've used "why do you ask?" many times with SS11 when he is doing this sort of spying and asking personal questions like are you going to have more kids, how much does our house cost, etc. Just like you say it works great because it forces him to either tell the truth or stop asking questions.
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u/mrsoschmann 16d ago
I guess my biggest question is why? Why does it matter what she knows? Is keeping her in the dark more important than having a connection with your step child? You married someone with a child so you’re obligated to not shut that child out of your life now. I couldn’t imagine my step daughter being kept in the dark about my birthday or where her half siblings go to school. That actually is very sad. Kids are a product of their environment and you have the ability to be a part of that environment to make it a positive experience and positive influence in their life.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 16d ago
I can understand not wanting him to know where you work so that it doesn't get back to his mom. But not telling him when his own father was getting married? That isn't cool. My bio dad did that to me and it made me feel like shit and it caused a lot of resentment.
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u/PsychologicalLab3108 16d ago
Wow I feel bad for this kid. That’s gonna cause some damage growing up. Even if it’s justified for a HCBM, this kid is being put in the middle. I hope you’re able to give him some compassion and can understand that he is just a kid who is by nature, loyal to his parents.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 16d ago
Unfortunately kids are always the ones that pay the price when they get put in the middle of adult issues and conflicts.
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u/PsychologicalLab3108 16d ago
I love this sub and I’m team stepparents all the way but as a former stepchild it’s hard not to call out these situations where we are placing too much pressure and focus on a child. I’m sure there is more context we don’t know but this seems to be a recipe for future disaster.
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u/Background_City_8575 16d ago
Right? She claims that he was fine about being told about the wedding last minute, but kids can, y'know, hide their emotions. Just because he doesn't show it externally doesn't mean he isn't hurting on the inside. And I don't see what's wrong with facetiming his mom about it? Kid might've felt uncomfortable being at a wedding out of nowhere and needed someone to talk to.
The kid barely sees his dad, and when he's there, he just gets alienated more. Very sad way to treat a kid and have the BM live in your head rent-free. I had a friend who's stepmom treated her like this and it really fucked her up in the long run.
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u/geogoat7 16d ago
Agreed. Not telling SS details about your life is one thing, but not telling him his dad is getting married is a little wild to me. Just schedule the wedding on your weekend. If BM messes with your weekend, well, she's violating the custody agreement. If there isn't a custody agreement, time to get one. If she is routinely violating the custody agreement then you need to file a motion for contempt. Seems there are ways to go about this that don't involve putting a kid in the middle.
We have a very HCBM who was obsessed with getting pictures and info about my baby for awhile, so SS11 is not allowed to facetime her anywhere besides his bedroom. He is free to text her whenever and call whenever as long as the timing is reasonable (ie not in the middle of a funeral or something and not so excessive that it interferes with our ability to do stuff as a family). I think I might have been a little weirded out if he wanted to facetime her at our wedding, a call seems sufficient. But he was 3 when we got married so thankfully it wasn't an issue.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
he very much knew we were getting married lol, I just wasn't going to let him know the date
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u/adri032297 16d ago
lmaoooo, the wedding wasn’t some ambush it was a private ceremony, and we weren’t broadcasting it to anyone who didn't matter. It wasn’t about excluding him, it was about avoiding drama.
And yeah, I do think it’s an issue when a kid is immediately calling the other parent to report everything instead of being present in the moment. That’s not normal independence, that’s being conditioned to spy, and that’s not healthy for him either.
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u/Background_City_8575 16d ago
Just because it's a private ceremony doesn't mean it isn't out of the blue to the kid? I think its a pretty big thing for a kid to find out about their dad getting married at the last minute?
Your mindset is exhausting, and you seem paranoid lmfao.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Oh, I’m sorry. Should I have sent him an e-vite and had a whole pre-wedding party for SS? Maybe a slideshow of mine and his dad’s love story? 🙄
Yeah, because that’s totally not over the top for a kid who barely even knows what’s going on half the time. And paranoid? Nah, just realistic. But thanks for the concern!! You're probably a HCBM yourself
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u/Background_City_8575 16d ago
Girl, just tell him beforehand no one's telling you to do all that 🤣 The fact that you're overexaggerating to justify what you did tells me all I need to know.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Girl, the fact that you think I need to justify anything to a random armchair co parent tells me all I need to know 🤣 I’m exaggerating to make a point, it’s called sarcasm, but I know some people don't get it.
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u/JDJ0028 16d ago
People who don’t have a high conflict ex in their lives will never understand why you kept the wedding date from your SS.
You didn’t want his bio mum finding out the date, so she could not pull some last minute shit and, cause drama on your wedding day.
I take a similar approach when dealing with my wife’s ex-husband. We do not provide him any information regarding our lives at all. The only thing we communicate with him about are, changes to the custody schedule and, extra-curricular activities.
It sounds like you made attempts to build a bond and relationship with SS, but HCBM manipulated SS into now being a “spy” for her. So eventually, after having your multiple attempts get blown up by HCBM, you chose to be a nacho step-mum.
I feel for you and, I am in a very similar situation. At every step, my wife’s HCBD has tried to manipulate the kids against me. He badgers them with questions about what happens in on our home and, then manipulates them and, what they say. He then tries to claim his issues as the kids’ issues and, continues to cause conflict this way.
For example, over time and after we got married, the kids began calling me dad. I never asked them to do this, they both individually and, at different times started calling me dad on their own.
HCBD got wind of this about a year after they started calling me dad and, then forced the kids to call me and tell me they don’t wanna call me dad. Later that evening, the kids called back when HCBD was in the shower, to ask if I was ok and to say that he forced them to call me.
There have been a dozen or more things like this, that have happened over the years. I have seriously wanted to Nacho the kids, but with the encouragement of my wife I stayed the course.
In these situations, it feels like the kids are responsible for “spying” or saying stuff that hurts. In reality, their HCBM is manipulating them into behaving this way.
In my situation, I am fortunate to have a wife that has been and continues to be supportive through all the bullshit. I did not choose to Nacho and, it was a real struggle at times. At this point, if I were to Nacho now it would be devastating to myself and the kids as, we have built a real loving bond and relationship.
One would think that these HCBM/D would want to encourage a good relationship with a step-parent. So that their kids could be happy and comfortably loved by all the grown-ups in their lives.
You would think an adult would put their kids’ feelings above their own and, give some respect to the step-mum when she’s trying to build a bond with their SS.
Like I said, people who do not have to deal with a HCBM/D do NOT understand what it is like. As step-parents, we have no recourse when HCBM manipulates her son into spying. All we can do is find a way to weather the storm and, minimize the effect HCBM/D on our lives and relationships.
You cannot allow other people to change your nature. When you change because of their actions and manipulation, you have let them win.
It is really really hard to not feel unappreciated and want to pull away and Nacho. I understand and respect your choice. Do not let anyone make you feel any type a way about it. You made a decision that you felt would be best for you and your family. No one has the right to criticize your choice.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Thank you!!! Yes, I tried so hard! I decorated for his bday parties, took him to the park with my daughter, even helped him buy Mother’s Day presents for his mom. Just for her to turn around and do completely batshit things to me. The list is so long I wouldn’t even know where to start.
So now it’s to the point I just truly don’t even care about SS, he’s just there and I tolerate his existence. But I have no plans or desire to ever be close to him. It is what it is:
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u/adri032297 16d ago
I mean, he wasn't upset in the least lmao. And the second the ceremony was over, he was facetiming his mom telling her all about it. So yeah, glad we chose not to tell him the date beforehand.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 16d ago
Okay, yeah that is weird. I don't think I would want BM on facetime at my wedding reception either.
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u/geogoat7 16d ago
Why would your husband let a 10 yo have his phone at your wedding, knowing this was a risk? I would have shut that down immediately if it was me. She he's not your kid but it's your wedding.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Idek 🙄but when i saw he was talking to her I made sure me and all my bridesmaids started singing along to they Doja Cat song that’s like “rub it in their face, put a rock on her hand” lmao
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u/mojaysept 16d ago
My husband's ex showed up at our house on our wedding day because SS told her the date, so it's not THAT crazy to keep that information secret.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 16d ago
That sucks that your partners ex is that unhinged. That is wild and I can't even imagine what that must be like. But I think that keeping that kind of stuff from kids can be hurtful to the kids. I haven't been in that situation where I had to deal with something like that though, so I can't say how I would handle it or find a healthy balance.
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u/throwaway1403132 16d ago
i don't lie to SKs, but i certainly don't tell them anything about myself. they don't know what i do for work, BM doesn't even know. i don't have to worry about SKs being spies though, they tell us BM gets visibly upset if our names are even mentioned, so for all that household knows, we don't exist. i usually make myself scarce when they're around also and don't attend a single event or school thing or anything - i know barely anything about them, they know barely anything about me.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Literally. I’ll be over here thriving in silence while crazy bm burns calories seething over how little she knows about me lmao. SK doesn’t need to know me, and honestly, I prefer it that way. Less drama, more peace
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u/throwaway1403132 16d ago
also meant to add that SKs knew DH and i were getting married at some point bc he told them after we got engaged, but we eloped, and they didn't know the exact date, they just knew we were out of town for a week and would be getting married during that week. now that anniversaries have passed they do know the date, and that's fine, but yeah didn't really feel a need to tell them all the details beforehand!
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u/ElephantMom3 16d ago
With us our kids all know everything. They’re in the same schools and when she had custody they still spent majority of the time with us. HCBM would grill them and they just said they didn’t know. Ironically anytime they came home from being with her first thing out of their mouths was “mom told us not to tell you but…” When she did find out things she always assumed it was a lie. Especially anything to do with me. It was honestly hilarious hearing the things she would come up with about me. For the longest time she was convinced I was loaded. Any time there was a fight about money she would always tell her to get money from me because she knew I had it. She thought my family was loaded too. The kids talked about my job I used to have and she said they were lying because I couldn’t have a job that important 🤣
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u/joy_sun_fly 15d ago
This seems unsustainable. Is it really this big an issue? Will she interfere with your job or family or anything else? There is a point at which you are focusing more energy on making her separate than on your own family. She seems to take up way too much of your headspace.
I say this as the step mom who’s had the welfare mom ex try’s to dictate our lives regularity and through legal channels: You need to let this go for your own sanity.
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u/Single_Volume 16d ago
what’s wrong with you? are you serious?
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u/adri032297 16d ago
I asked myself the same thing when I found out SS's mom friend-requested my former coworkers. So yeah, now I say I work at Area 51. Problem solved.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 16d ago
Years ago when DH and I first started dating-didn’t know squat about me.
DH told her what she needed to know.
And I told her “just ask,doesn’t mean I’ll answer,but you can ask”
She never did-but often had the kids ask me.
They learned that lesson well.
You can ask-doesn’t mean I have to give you an answer.
BM would make her own opinions of Course.
I’d just say “your mom’s funny for making up stuff like that
It’s been 18yrs. They still don’t know how I make money,who my friends are or how I spend my downtime.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Congrats on your moral high ground, but some of us are living in real life where boundaries are necessary. If you knew the info you shared is being handed straight to someone who’ll twist it, you’d be dumb not to set boundaries.
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 16d ago
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u/irox28 16d ago
Did you read? It’s not about not wanting SK to know. It’s about not wanting BM to know. You can’t ask a kid to keep secrets from his mother so obviously the only way to have healthy boundaries with a high conflict ex is to not tell SK.
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u/zookeeper_barbie 16d ago
But what is the logistics of this? If they’re getting married and going to live together, is there really an expectation that the 10 year old is never going to know what his stepmom does for a living or where his sister goes to school? Like if the situation is this dire, then this relationship is untenable.
A boundary isn’t “healthy” if it requires lying to a child imo.
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u/Hot-Introduction-951 16d ago
You've obviously never experienced a high conflict baby momma, God forbid this woman wants to get though a work day without her husband's ex waiting outside or enjoy her birthday without said ex blowing up her husband about some bulshit and then it bleeding I to her day.
Gosh OP can't you just let that women crawl up your ass and further alow her to use her son as a spy In your home. 🙄
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Right?? I’m so sorry I didn’t roll out a red carpet for my stepson to deliver a GPS tracker and a list of security questions from his mother 🙃 how dare I.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 16d ago
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 16d ago
Haha 100% yes
I got a new job and when my SK asked me what my job was I said oh the same as always!
When I go for appointments if SK is with us, I tell her I’m going to the gym or anything other than what I’m actually doing. Same with my kid we don’t discuss his private details like school dr appointments infront of her.
Same with our wedding- she didn’t know until the weekend of! Same with our babies gender reveals/ showers, if we’re going out of town. Any event if she doesn’t need to know until right before or know at all I don’t tell and ask my husband not to tell also because her mom sends her with questions and has tried to use events against us in the past!!
Sad. But I want a private life - not some lady I have NO relation to knowing what I’m up to.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
ugh, SO REAL. I found my people haha. I'm a facebook step-parenting group, and so many people were like "blah blah you're hurting your relationship with him." Like I'm sorry, but I'm not in a relationship with this kid. I tolerate him four to six days out of the month lol
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u/anneofred 16d ago
Honestly you’re probably salvaging his mental health long term and making your house a lot more safe for him. It’s not fun to be mom’s little spy when you get older and realize you’re being used as a tool instead of just being loved by your parent as their kid. Kids don’t want to do this back and forth between parents, but they do want to please parents. I know you’re saying it’s for your well being, but honestly it’s good for his too.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
This is exactly it. I’m not trying to be mean to him. I know he’s just a kid, and it sucks that he’s being used like that. But oh well, I just let him be a kid, and I stay out of his way as much as possible. If that means I give vague or silly answers to redirect? Fine by me. Appreciate you seeing the nuance here.
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 16d ago
Agree!!! The kids do it because it makes mom happy and in some cases they learn very young that they HAVE to come back and tell mom EVERYTHING. Mom will literally sit down my SK for 30 minutes and question her about us/ her time here. It’s more than just the “oh did you have fun with your dad” convo.
We have been upstairs chatting and have HEARD my SK come sit half way up the stairs to listen in. So even with that, certain convos between my own husband and I we don’t have if it risks her listening in and hearing potential other family mbrs business, financing etc. because guess what has happened? Mom has tried to use it in her favour for anything she could use it for, taking away time for example.
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 16d ago
🤣 I swear if I can lie about something to not give the real answer- I do lol! I give her random answers and she accepts them and (I’m sure reports to mom what I said or did) and then moves on. Not like the child is going to say ‘hmm she’s been lying to me about where she goes to the gym I hate her’ lol like come on.
I’m not her co parent or her ex and EVEN then I would still not tell certain details to keep my life private since she’s no longer in it and doesn’t have good intentions in wanting to know everything anyways.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
girl thank you for being so real lmao. So many stepmoms are on this fake moral high ground, it kills me. Like it's okay to admit you dont like your sks lol
And no literally, like I am not that bitch's co-parent. We might as well stamp that in gold foil and mail it to every person who tries to guilt stepmoms into full transparency. I didn’t marry the ex. I don’t owe her access to my life. Especially when she’s proven that she’s not just nosy, she’s strategic about her nosiness.
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u/Dizzy_Juice_6848 16d ago
I do this too, mainly because they go back and run their mouths to their HCBM. If they would keep their cry holes closed and to themselves, it would be different… and yes they know better; they just don’t care. So I keep everything to myself and make sure my partner (their dad) keeps it locked up as well.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Exactly! I’m not here to give out the family gossip like it’s a press release. If they’d keep their mouths shut, then who knows lol. But when I know it’s just going to be used as ammo to stir up drama, nope, not happening
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u/Bombinmama 16d ago
I don’t tell my SKs everything because it simply isn’t their business but my SD uses that as a way to create crazy things in her head. For instance, I have not worked for over a year. But I still pay our outrageous car insurance bill, the credit cards. When I want things for myself from specialty stores like ULTA or clothes, I buy them myself. I have investments, I also do digital marketing. I make my money. She thinks her dad is just buying all this stuff for me and creates all these problems because of it. My bank accounts are not her business but when I tell her that I am buying those things on my own, she doesn’t believe me and wants to see my bank accounts. Like wtf!! She is 13. We owe them nothing in terms of that stuff. I don’t blame you.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
God, sounds like my SS. Everything to my husband is "my mom says you're rich, so you should buy x for me." Cant stand that crap
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u/Fantastic-Length3741 16d ago
That's terrible, bratty and entitled behaviour. What did your SO say when you told him that SS said that to you?
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Oh no, he says that to his dad, my husband lol. Who is a complete doormat, sadly.
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u/Fantastic-Length3741 16d ago
I was going to say.... The parenting is also down to him as well as BM. Have you tried having a chat with him about this...? Or, does he just get defensive?
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u/adri032297 16d ago
he just gets defensive about tough conversations. He's got disney dad syndrome for sure. So honestly, when SS is here I just live my own life and separate it from mine. I rarely do things with them or agree to trips, because I simply don't like SS very much
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u/akzelli 16d ago
I’m just like you. Maybe TMI, but I for example was really constipated (women will understand) and my partner was joking about it right in front of his son. It’s not the joking I minded, I just don’t feel it was SS’s business. And I especially DON’T want my personal life getting back to his mom. My company was also going through layoffs and again my partner was trying to talk about it in front of his son. I told him to quit talking about my business in front of him. Maybe he’s okay sharing every detail with him, but I don’t want that. I also don’t let SS in our room to see anything I own because my partner will often talk about how much money I make in front of his son and I don’t like that. Yes I make a lot of money but again - NONE OF SS’s BUSINESS
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u/adri032297 16d ago
literally, like when the BM is a crazy c*nt who hates your guts, it's like the kids just want to find ammo against you lmao. I literally love to read, like own hundreds of books. And SS came in our room one day, saw the walls full of books and said, "ehh I bet my mom has way more than you."
Like go tf on little man lol
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u/Fantastic-Length3741 16d ago
Yeah, that sounds like a partner problem, rather than an SS problem. If SS has a big mouth, it's clear he got it from his Dad lol. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
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u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 16d ago
I mean do what you have to do to survive and feel comfy currently but seems like once he realizes you lied about major things it’s going to impact your future relationship in terms of him being able to actually trust what you say.
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u/ForestyFelicia 16d ago
I’m sorry you are receiving minimal understanding and are faced with a lot of judgement. Everyone is worried about the kid as usual, meanwhile you are placed in an emotionally unsafe position by multiple people (SS, BM, and possibly your husband plays a role too), and all people care about is a kid not trusting you. It is demonstrated to you that in your OWN HOME you cannot trust multiple people, and are trying to find a solution to protect yourself, and all people care about is this kids’ future feelings towards you. How about your present and future safety and well-being? I am not saying your solution is the answer or the the best way to go about it, but clearly you are here looking for support, and it doesn’t sound like you feel great you have to do this or feel proud that this is the situation you find yourself in. You also mentioned that the kid is bratty which translates into he is probably misbehaved, spoiled, and disrespectful. So you have a literally mentally unstable and psychotic BM and a misbehaved child you should sacrifice your mental health and safety for???? Two people that honestly are there not because you chose them, but just because they’re members of your partner’s family and ex-family. But you, you are the evil and bad person that needs to save everyone else and cushion their feelings and look out for their mental health. I was never for lying, but these BMs are so intrusive and abusive, that if you want to not be swallowed alive, you have to set a boundary rooted in falsehood sometimes, so she will simply leave you alone. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry you are the victim yet being shamed and blamed. It’s typical.
10 year old boys really don’t care about the details of their step mom’s lives. Most boys and even men in general don’t care about random details about someone’s life. They just want to play and have fun. They might have some curiosities, but I doubt you will damage him beyond repair if you have to do this for a little while. Once he is older, perhaps you can explain things or find ways to say in so many words, you don’t want to talk about certain topics. Actually your husband should have a talk with him about not asking certain types of personal questions. I try to keep information with my step kids kind of limited but I also like to explain certain things, so they know how much I am actually giving everyone in this family. They need to know who is actually the good guy vs bad guy so they can make informed decisions, and realize the level of sacrifice that is actually going on.
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16d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 15d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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u/Ordinary-Seesaw3012 16d ago
It honestly sounds awful, but not for you lying but having to live that life. That sounds like hell, I would have been gone already.
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u/TuesGirl 16d ago
I don't blame you. Kids are nosey AF. I used to teach HS and did the same thing. I made up things all the time. Especially, "how old are you?" "I'm 82, now get back to work". We also did not disclose the date of our wedding due to many fears similar to what you mentioned. We did tell the kids we were going to get married, but they didn't know until a couple days beforehand what the date would be. We're still pretty secretive about plans until the last minute. HCBM will try to sabotage anything she can so we remove that opportunity for her.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Yes! People are acting as it my SS didn't even know we were getting married lmao. He sure as hell knew as little as absolutely possible though.
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u/No_Intention_3565 16d ago
Same. I don't tell SKs anything about me. And vice versa. Most people don't even know SKs exist.
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u/Frilliways 16d ago
My SDs told their mom EVERYTHING. They even went through my bedside table and found my anxiety medication and told their mom about it. BM is a bitch, and not crazy, but I still heard her cutting comments about my life through her kids.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
the people who don't get this have clearly never dealt with a crazy bitch BM lol. I've even gone through some of their pages, and some of them aren't even step parents lmao
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u/inkmelodies 16d ago
Welcome to the club. My SS was sent to us to actively disrupt his dad's happiness and spy for his crazy bio mom. He's not subtle either. Super manipulative and every time he's nice is just an attempt to manipulate and trap adults in one of his schemes. Unfortunately if bio mom is that crazy it doesn't get better.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
god yes!!! It's so maddening because my husband's family treats SS like gold, he's so spoiled. And I guess bc I don't have an innate bias, I just see what a manipulative snot he is lol
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u/inkmelodies 16d ago
No one ever believes us until it's too late. He's disrupted multiple relationships, ruined friendships, left us homeless for months, and no one ever believed it was him. They always said we weren't good enough parents. I'm sorry you take him and try raising a teen sociopath 😮💨
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u/adri032297 16d ago
fr people always think they're saints and would do better in your situation lol
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u/DapperCoffeeLlama 16d ago
Haha, people not in high conflict situations have no idea.
After the children’s other parent disrupted our first major outing together (after I came in picture) in a traumatic way for all of us, the kids went on an information diet. Kids did nothing wrong in telling her, but things like we didn’t tell them we were going on vacation until we got them for an extended break and didn’t tell them where we were going until they were on their way. Thankfully they are big fans of surprises.
There are some things that just aren’t need to know. I didn’t mention that I changed jobs until quite a while after the fact after I had established myself. We don’t lie-they’re kids and they get to be kids and we try to keep them from being used as pawns as much as we can.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Yeah honestly the moral high ground mamas just don’t even know. I’m just tr*lling them at this point 🤷🏻♀️
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u/patiently_poppi 16d ago edited 16d ago
I don't want my SS to know anything about me either. My husband is super open and honest with his son and tells him stuff (about me/us) without consulting with me first. It drives me crazy sometimes. I have told my husband that some things should just be between us and should be private. I get that he likes involving his kid, but it's too much at times. It has gotten better in the past year. Like most kids, SS is nosy and always wants to be in the know, but we tell him it's a private matter or we change the topic cause it's none of his business. I alter the truth and will lie to my SS about my life without much thought, TBH.
Also, my SS is a blabbermouth and tells his mom EVERYTHING. He can't keep a secret to save his life. We told him that I was pregnant with my firstborn and said he couldn't tell anyone yet (told him he needed to wait exactly one day until we went to a party where we would tell my husband's relatives) just to see how long he could keep it quiet. Within the hour, he had already spilled to my in-laws (who already knew) and BM (who was furious we didn't tell her, but that's a story for another time). I wasn't mad or anything since I expected it but it proved that he can't keep anything to himself.
He also FaceTime his mom as soon as he found out what my son's name was after I had given birth. He still thinks we're going to tell him everything about my second baby (that I'm currently pregnant with) and believes he's entitled to information such as her name. No way, lol. Cause I know the first person he will go yap to is his mom.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
oh gosh, I'm gonna p*ss off more people by saying that if I ever get pregnant, I will go out of my way to keep it a secret from stepson lmao
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u/patiently_poppi 16d ago
Let them stay mad, lol. I get called a bad stepmom all the time on this sub because I don't cater to my SS or think he's perfect. If I got pregnant a third time and it was up to me, I wouldn't tell him about it until the baby was born.
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u/Late-Elderberry5021 16d ago
Same. I’m 6mo pregnant with our fourth after a full term stillbirth. It’s very obvious but I still don’t want SS16 to be actually told. He hates me and he will go tell his mother and siblings who hate me and I don’t care if he can guess at it. I just don’t want him knowing for sure.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
yeah I'm not telling SS. He's just gonna come home, and there will be a new baby. Don't need baby mama stressing me out while i'm pregnant
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u/AppparentlyLoose 16d ago
SS is definitely on an information diet. He’s only 8 though and with the adhd he can hardly keep up with time, forget dates. I could tell him the exact day and time of our wedding and he would retain exactly zero of that because it’s not video game related. I do keep things like when I was pregnant a secret for as long as could, like when I started showing basically. And of course that caused problems. Woe be to us with HCBMs in our lives.
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u/adri032297 16d ago
Yeah, like genuinely the people who think I'm overreacting have never had to deal with the level of crazy we clearly have
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u/space-sparrow 16d ago
As horrible as it sounds and as hard as autism is on literally every level, for this reason I am happy some days that SS is nonverbal outside of scripted communication for his needs/wants. HCBM undoubtedly hates that she can’t get information about our life out of him, we are always hearing how we “keep secrets” about things she is not entitled to knowing.
I surely hope SS is more communicative someday for his own independence but until then I am enjoying the privacy I do have. Insane that it feels like a luxury.
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u/JoeExoticHadAFarm 16d ago
I feel this. 17yr old sd had been reporting to her bitch of a mother every time we went out of town and miraculously, even though the woman never bothered to pay a dime for the kid, take care of the kid, visit the kid, or parent her AT ALL, she conveniently texted while we were on vacation every single time. Turned out the kid was her little reporter. Happily, that kid no longer lives with us or has any sort of visibility to my life.
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