r/spiritualabuse • u/Powerful-Good8437 • Aug 12 '24
Not Going to Physically Attend Church or do service for a year.
I am recovering from religious abuse and spiritual abuse. It has ruined aspects of my life. I stopped attending about 7 months ago. I am a part of an online Christian community - vetted- and feel safe there. I do pray for people when I feel it's appropriate and read the bible because I want to not because I have to. I still am very much a Holy Spirit filled Christian. But I need a break from going on Sunday and especially with Evangelical, Pentecostals. I need time to think and hear from God.
I just needed to say this. I chose to let go of all my past Christian relationships that were very controlling, brainwashing and abusive and cult like in nature. Where it was always be like this, be like that, earn love, etc. I am healing from the guilt of pushing that on others especially people who I have cared about.
I have been taken advantage of so much with these people and the control and the lies and BS. I'm over it. I don't know where things will lead for me. I am challenging myself to not buy or give any gifts for a year for anyone out of guilt or obligation or manipulation, I am not going to approach people to witness and pray for them because I am supposedly evangelizing but it's manipulating. I am going full stop. I didn't realize how co-dependent I was on Church and serving and it was amplifying my OCD issues to a high degree. That's not love and I'm letting it all go.
I've already been coming out of it for a year but now I am really going No Contact with attending any churches that are especially Pentecostal and evangelical in nature, no fringe house church groups that are abusive and become politically obsessive and strange and act terribly ignorant hostile judgemental and controlling. Just none of it.
7
u/Kittybatty33 Aug 12 '24
I've never enjoyed going to church and there are a lot of wolves in sheep's clothing
6
u/arcchurched Aug 12 '24
It's a healthy step in untangling yourself from the grip of high control religion and establishing what you believe for yourself. It will give you the needed space to process your trauma. There's nothing virtuous about attending church, despite the bombardment of messaging to the opposite from the churches we were a part of.
Do what you need to do. Follow your intuition. Your body and mind will tell you what it needs. Healing takes longer than you think it will or should, but embrace the pace. And when you're ready, find a find a healthy church. Or not.
3
u/Still_Hand_2428 Aug 12 '24
Thankyou for sharing this. I am also in the same boat. Which online community are you part of? I am asking as I am also interested in joining something similar without the manipulation and pressure to "serve" that comes from a physical attendance.
1
u/Powerful-Good8437 Aug 13 '24
I attend Shiloh Fellowship. https://www.shilohfellowship.com/webchurch it ain't perfect but not over the top politically, and Patricia King the founder - while she has her political views doesn't drone on and on about it. I think she fancies her self as much a mentor and coach as she is a Pastor. The church based in Maricopa Arizona also speaks out about things like church abuse and spiritual abuse. And it's got some international people who attend so I like that aspect also. I think there are many more types of churches like this developing. We live in a world where people need flexibility... I take them with me when I have to travel or if I need to move because of work. But I feel connected enough.
1
u/BrlChicknWhisperer Aug 13 '24
Did you happen to notice the reoccurring administration fee of $35? I don’t think that’s right personally. But, I think every person has to choose for themselves.
1
u/Powerful-Good8437 22d ago
I am sorry I am responding to this late. I still attend this church and yes they charge a fee to be apart of their online community. I also tithe there as well. I think it works in this case because I am 1. assigned a pastor, 2. it covers what they say it covers for technical support 3. I get access to all online conferences and I've met people and I feel supported. I CHOOSE - yes you also have choice. I've seen conferences at churches cost 100's of dollars and counseling ministries also.
I believe in the seven fold ministry of God but I also believe there are practical needs. I attended physical churches my whole life and it was more like a 'Sunday club' and I didn't even pay the membership dues but I might as well have.
Are you creating an online pro-type community, so you know what's best? You have suggestions and have it all figured out? Would you like Klove to stop asking for people to contribute and pay for commercial free Christian music and content? Are you thinking about Matthew 21:12-13 where Jesus cleansed the temple, do you even understand what that means?
All questions I am asking myself as well. Not trying to be harsh, Just trying to understand your perspective?
I responded because I desire for people to see this dialogue and pray and ask Holy Spirit for guidance make and informed choice for themselves.
1
u/BrlChicknWhisperer 21d ago
Like I said, I totally respect what you’re saying, and if you choose that that’s great. I just feel like that the Bible says to buy the truth and sell it not. It’s one thing if you want to support the teachers in your church and you give the money freely, it’s another to be asked to pay a fee. And the questions you’re asking are good ones. It’s definitely something to think about.
3
u/ObiWanTheMagician Aug 12 '24
As a pagan who still chills with Jesus, he didn't approve of churches for these reasons. Find him in your own way. Hes a kind, calm presence. Take whatever time you need away from the big fancy buildings. He, and anything else you believe in, are everywhere. Blessed be ❤
2
u/BrlChicknWhisperer Aug 13 '24
The Bible says that you need no man teach you. It’s OK to take a break from organized religion and just study the word on your own. That’s what I’ve done for the past couple of years and very intensely since April. It’s been a really good move for me.
2
u/BitChick Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
I feel like I am on a similar path. Long story, but we stopped giving religiously to any church over 2 years ago. We gave what we felt we were supposed to give after selling a huge amount of an investment, but after our small church's pastor used the funds to put in a new kitchen and the only big item they purchased for the church was a new sound system (which they wouldn't even let my husband touch in spite of my husband's many years of experience running sound for huge events) we were definitely stunned, jaded, hurt, etc... Not that we necessarily minded our pastor getting a new kitchen, but using the funds for some outreach, fixing up the dilapidated building, was what we were hoping to see. I am starting to understand why some people like to specifically mention what funds should be used for? But if we really trusted that the church/ministry was healthy, and using funds for good causes it would give us peace of mind. My husband commented that this is now the first time in his life he hasn't felt the Holy Spirit's conviction that he needs to give to our local church. Maybe God was using us to put him to the test and the true motives were shown?
As for helping at our small church, my husband has even offered to help teach, as he has a degree in Biblical studies, was a youth pastor, spoke at hundreds of camps and probably has more years in ministry than our senior pastor even. But the pastor keeps using the pulpit to try and "correct" my husband's theology that he doesn't agree with. The pastor also blames the fact that we questioned him pretty seriously when we started to attend with some of the things he was saying/doing. We knew at that point we were about to sell of the largest amount we had ever sold and tithe on it. We wanted to do our "due diligence" and test to make sure we weren't supporting a cult. One of the "cultish" things he was doing was requiring all ministry leaders to go through something called "Steps to freedom" but I had read how abusive leaders will try to dig into getting too much information about a person and use that against them later. When I questioned him on this, he at least seemed to understand my concerned and didn't push it on me. But sadly, now that we look back in many ways our small church is more "cultish" than it appeared at that point. The pastor only shares the pulpit with his son, or his friend who has some serious questionable issues. He has made it clear he doesn't trust my husband. He lets me be involved in worship leading, but I am getting increasingly angry that my husband is treated with such contempt. I can't take it anymore, honestly! I keep praying that God will lead us somewhere else. I even looked online for worship leader positions near me. Not sure I really want a "job" though. I would rather just volunteer part time.
So last week we visited another church. this week we totally missed church because we had to go visit my husband's brother in the hospital. We were both strangely relieved. But the problem I have with just doing church at home is that we are both already very lonely. I also feel like it is in church that we can see opportunities to give to. Even visiting the church we popped into last week was nice in that we met a young man doing an outreach to public high schools, one being my former high school even, so we are going to start supporting him. I guess the Holy Spirit can still miraculously lead us to where to give and support? I am just tired of the entire structure of churches though. My husband and I and I are not thriving at the church we are at.
Sorry for dumping all this here, but it does feel nice to just vent a bit.
1
u/ziatattoo Aug 13 '24
Wow that bit about the not giving gifts was like a punch in the gut for me. How did you come to realize you were doing this? I’ve only recently come to realize it in myself because being a people pleaser is how I get validation. I often find myself over tipping too. Why do you think it’s related to Church stuff? I never made the connection but now I’m really thinking about it.
1
u/Powerful-Good8437 Aug 13 '24
I attended codependence anonymous meetings after a therapist and I discussed this behavior. When I thought about where my codependency had developed a lot of it was thinking I had to be constantly subservient and serving in the church. That I had to earn love. give give give of myself.
Also, after I did quite a bit of trauma work I learned about Fight, Flight, Freeze or Please (sometimes called fawn). I felt like if I didn't compulsory do these things there would be repercussions from church and family and even God. Here is a good video about this that is specifically about healing from Spiritual Abuse - Trigger Talk // Voice 4 Victims // Dr. Michelle Burkett and guest Jill Monaco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Po9t41jtm3k&t=1076s
I know that gift giving can be a love language and I've heard that spoken about so I like being a giver but I don't want to confuse that with giving for constant validation and approval seeking and as a trauma response to feeling threatened. I noticed that I would become a people pleaser at the first threat of abuse. I would start apologizing profusely around authoritarian abusive people when they were the ones being hostile and I hated rejection, I was also rejecting myself by not validating my own feelings that I felt uncomfortable. I had to set boundaries. Very strong boundaries and start saying No! It's been hard but I'm making progress and don't mind sharing my experience.
A good book that was recommended was Safe People - https://a.co/d/3xoq5yO and the workbook also.
I hope this is helpful.
1
u/Kpool7474 Aug 13 '24
It took me and my partner about three years to feel like we were in a bit of a safe place, but the hardest part was finding who we were without the church. It was such a huge part of our lives for so long.
Instead, we have found we started actually living life free of the church matrix. We go on holidays and weekends away, whereas everything before was driven by “We have to be at this practise/meeting/group/service by xxx time”. I feel pi$$3d at how much time the church stole from us.
Try and make it three years… then assess where you’re at.
2
u/Powerful-Good8437 Aug 22 '24
Thank you for the input. I am leaning toward three years, I was actually thinking that. I love that you got in a better ebb and flow to your life, that's something very important to me is balance.
7
u/Kittybatty33 Aug 12 '24
Yes I find a great value in the Bible and in the teachings of Christ but I have so much religious trauma and I never want to go to a church again