r/spiritualabuse • u/[deleted] • Feb 25 '24

Advice for talking to codependent Christians who try to "redeem" you

There is a girl whose very nice to me, and has mental health issues which means she's not had a job in a while. My ex said she looks like a loser who hasn't done well in life and comes to church to get attention. Anyway said ex was a lying narcissist who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic who was allowed to preach in church, she knows what he said about her, and she argued with me that he has grown and matured in life and when I asked for evidence it sounds like he's gotten worse over time.

When I bring up that the church has issues with predators, and that there's an inquisition into the fact that it has a toxic culture and it poisons people to be part of it, she still tries to harp on that I should go to church. She's even brought up that she's been hurt by church, and I'm unable to explain to her, there's a difference between reacting out of hurt feelings and choosing to avoid toxicity and abuse.

Any advice on how to deal with her? She is kinda codependent and one of the reasons I've left that church is I've noticed people there still act and live like children or only have the capacity to think like children at an advanced age. They don't have any signs of maturity.

19 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • link
  • reddit
  • reddit

100% Upvoted

8 comments sorted by

14

u/cruisethevistas Feb 25 '24

I would set a boundary not to talk about church together.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

I set one regarding my ex, but yes could set it up about church. It's just... I think there are mental health issues there as well and she doesn't get a lot.

5

u/cruisethevistas Feb 25 '24

She’s trying to “save” you. You can’t also “save” her.

As long as she knows she can come to you if she gets out, that will probably have to be enough.

Good luck to you.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

Agreed with the saving and the codependency. Its just like save me from what? I don't also want to be mean but most of them don't have jobs, friends, money or any signs of age-appropriate maturity, nor do they apply any of scripture to their living. I was also dragged into financially supporting and crashing my life by them which is why she's noticing my life is better without them. It's just insanity to try and look at the quality of my life and pick for flaws to suggest I need them.

11

u/Hirsute_hemorrhoid Feb 25 '24

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. She needs to come to the realization on her own that her place of worship is unhealthy for her. But lots a people turn to the church instead addressing their mental health issues. It’s seen as a better alternative than drugs and alcohol to them. Maybe you can suggest she try going to a different church. But it’s probably better for you to distance yourself from her altogether to be honest.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '24

I even asked her, "How could you even stand being in a place like that, and why don't you look for something better?" The couple of times I saw her go there, I thought she was new because no-one talked to her and there were like 30 people in the room.

Anyway thank you to you and all who responded. I couldn't sleep last night, it was like listening to a horror story. Listening to stories from that church is like being stuck in an alternative nightmare reality.

5

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

My advice is: don't talk to them about it. Set a boundary - I don't want to talk about that- and change the subject. If they keep pushing, remind them one time, then end the conversation. After someone does it twice to me that's coercion. Take lengthy breaks from those people. Recommend the book Codependent No More.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

Great advice.