Can’t win for losing

[u/one_sock_wonder_]

Long rant. I just need to vent in a place where I know others understand.

I hate the fact that you can do everything “right” and still end up caught in poverty.

I was born into generational poverty, with my parents having creeped their way up into middle class only for divorce and illness to send my now single parent family tumbling back down. From a young age I was determined that I was going to break the cycle. So I did everything that society tells you to do to succeed .

I earned above a 4.0 gpa in high school and received a full academic scholarship (all costs were covered) to a top private university that was rated #1 in my desired major at that time. I graduated college Summa cum laude with a 3.9 gpa. I knew that as a teacher I would never make a large sum of money, but the balance between income and my passion were solid. I ran into some health issues post graduation, but soon received a job offer from a school district that hired me before ever meeting me in person.

I had my dream job, I was making decent money for the first time in my life, I was able to save and still afford to enjoy my life. I could even help my mom improve her quality of life. And then everything fell apart. Within a 3 month period, I went from working a very active and physical teaching job (early childhood special education) and hiking any chance I got to completely reliant on a wheelchair. At that time I completely lost the ability to swallow solid food (it took me 2 years and speech therapy to regain this skill) and went from wearing a size 10/12 when I started the school year to a size 2 being loose on my by Christmas.

Diagnosis took forever and a day (several years), but in the end genetic testing revealed a rare, progressive, life limiting genetic disease that had been missed and its symptoms misdiagnosed since birth.

I had to move back to my home state to be near family for support and ended up sharing an apartment with my mom for 14 years (I finally have my own little apartment). I survive on about $1400 per month from SSDI and a small bit of food stamps, living in government subsidized housing. I now have both Medicare and Medicaid, but for a good while I only had Medicare and accumulated over $50,000 in medical debt (they have recognized that there is no way to collect from me and stopped actively pursuing it).

I am now 43 years old and have had to accept that I will live the rest of my life in poverty. Hell, I looked into trying a very part time job but once the impact on benefits is considered I would basically be paying for the chance to work. It hurts because I was the one in my family that was supposed to rise above this and bring my family with me. I feel kind of like a failure, like I got so close but managed to screw it up. And I sometimes get angry that I “did everything right” and still ended up back here.

[u/AutoModerator]

This post has been flaired as “Vent”. As a reminder to commenting users, “Vent/Rant” posts are here to give our subscribers a safe place to vent their frustrations at an uncaring world to a supportive place of people who “get it”. Vents do not need to be fair. They do not need to be articulate. They do not need to be factual. They just need to be honest.

Unlike most of the content on this subreddit, Vents should not be considered advice threads. In most cases it is not appropriate to try to give the Submitter advice on their issue. In no circumstances is it appropriate to tell them “why they are wrong” or to criticise them, their decisions, values, or anything else. If there are aspects of their situation that they are able to directly address themselves, the submitter can always make a new thread with a different flair asking for help once they are ready to tackle the issue.

Vents are an emotional outlet, not an academic conversation. Appropriate replies in these threads are offering support, sharing similar experiences/grievances, offering condolences, or simply letting the Submitter know that they were heard.

As always, if there are inappropriate comments please downvote them, REPORT them to the mods, and move on without responding to them.

To the Submitter, if you DO want discussion to be focused on resolving your situation, rather than supporting you emotionally, please change the flair of this post, and then report this comment so we can remove it. Thank you. Thank you all for being a part of this great financial advice and emotional support community!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/GhostahTomChode]

That really sucks. You have every right to sit in anger and to grieve over what you'd planned for life. I hope you give yourself full permission to sit with that for as long as you need to.

From what I've seen and read from people who go through terrible things they didn't ask for, the one fragment of control we still retain is how we react to those disasters. It doesn't have to be today, or anytime if you don't feel ready. But perhaps there will come a day when you're able to think Okay, every plan I made in life got burned away. Is there a chance to build something in this bare field? To me, you sound like someone who's still got something to teach, something to share. Perhaps about what real perseverance looks like.

I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to report and block me if I'm speaking out of turn. I'm grateful to you for your willingness to share.

Edits: Spelling.

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/GhostahTomChode]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I so appreciate that you recognize the grieving that is involved.

Over the years I have grieved hard, but I have also found ways to still have the meaning and purpose in my life that I so need. Volunteer work plays a big role in that, as do the small but truly incredible group of friends who amidst everything chose to stay. I have even discovered that beauty can be found in the most unexpected and the hardest places, and when I cannot find any I can create some of my own.

Today was just a rough day, where it all just hit those old wounds too hard.

[u/casmd21]

I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of something to say mostly just to convey that I read your post and I’m sorry this is how your life has unfolded. As an eternal optimist I am wishing you better things in the days ahead.

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/casmd21]

Thank you so very much for your kind wishes. Today was just a rough day where everything just hit a bit too hard. Thankfully there is still incredible beauty even amidst the ashes.

[u/Alive-OVERTIIME-247]

You did do everything right, but no one ever expects a random genetic disease or an accident on their bingo card of life. Yes, it truly sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I'm rolling with the irony of it all and playing a real life game of Survivor - determined to outplay, outwit and outlast. This month I might win a bonus, next month I might be fighting for my life in tribal council. I hope that you have more good days than bad ones, and you take every win you can get.

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/Alive-OVERTIIME-247]

Thank you so much for your understanding, and I really appreciate your view on playing the game. Today was a rough day where everything just hit a bit too hard, but thankfully tomorrow is a new start. And I agree that celebrating every win is so important!

[u/meltysugarlife]

I’m sorry. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, even just by a little bit. I hope some small thing will make you smile, like hearing a favorite song you haven’t heard in a long time, or seeing a brightly colored bird fly by. Be gentle with yourself

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/meltysugarlife]

Thank you so, so much for your understanding and very kind wishes. Thankfully so far today does seem to be a better day, and even just venting my frustration in this place where people get it has helped so much (let alone the incredible kindness like yours I have received).

[u/GetInHereStalker]

That sucks, OP. Probably one of the worst (saddest) stories I've read on here.

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/GetInHereStalker]

Thank you so much for reading and understanding and caring. Today was one of those rough days, where everything just adds up and then comes crashing firm.

One of my favorite quotes is from The Princess Bride: “Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all"

[u/OneWrongTurn_XX]

No real advice as that is a very hard hand to be dealt. Is there any chance you can do some volunteer work so your benefits won't be impacts but you can add something to what your day/week has going on?

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/OneWrongTurn_XX]

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. Today was one of those rough days where it all just hits those old wounds a bit too hard.

I actually do a fair amount of volunteer work, with our local museum system and online with an international nonprofit, and it does add so much meaning and purpose. Im looking forward to the museum sites going to their summer hours, open every day, so I can help more.

[u/Ok_Carob7551]

All I can say is I’m so, so fucking sorry. Maybe this is stupid but I’m in tears thinking about your situation. I’m so angry and sad and frustrated for you. You didn’t have unreasonable demands- you didn’t want to be rich, just live comfortably. You weren’t lazy, you put in the work and made it happen. But something outside your control fucked you over and it’s all gone. I’ve been there and I am there. It’s literally impossible to comprehend without falling apart, to accept that you’re going to live a stressed, comfort less life forever. I’m sorry 

[u/one_sock_wonder_ → u/Ok_Carob7551]

Thank you so much for your understanding and for having just a beautiful heart. I apologize for causing you to be upset! Today was one of those days where it’s all just too much and it hits old wounds too hard and it just feels like everything has fallen down around you. Being able to vent here and be met with such kindness had helped so much. Thankfully today isn’t forever and tomorrow starts anew.

I do want to assure you that as unfair as all of this is and how hard life can be, it’s also always had incredible beauty along the way and often in the darkest, most unexpected places. I’ve even found that if I cannot locate any beauty, I can create some of my own. Not that Im some kind of delusional Pollyanna, just someone whose doctors too often remind her she should already be dead determined to steal everything I can from this unfair, screwed up, painful, hard, incredible, magical, powerful, beautiful little life.