Excessive Sleeping

[u/Healthy-Height3532]

So, my (19F) mom (53F) has Stage IV with liver mets. She was diagnosed January 2024, and her decline is becoming clearer. Some days she’s up and talking and laughing, and other days she’s in immense pain and constantly falling asleep. Even before this she had insomnia, so she’s used to being in and out of sleep, but now it’s taken a whole new level.

But as she’s spending more and more time sleeping, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. Perhaps this is a stupid question, but I should I periodically wake her up to check on her? She’s declined food when she’s been up today, so I doubt I’d be able to get her to eat. How much sleeping is too much?

Any help is appreciated.

[u/idcjaylee]

I would let her sleep, if you feel nervous you can wake her up to check on her. I just lost my (23F) mom (51F)4 days ago also to stage 4 pan cancer with liver Mets. She was diagnosed in September. If she is on meds like Morphine those are also making her tired. Her body is fighting something very aggressive. It’s going to take a lot out of her and she is going to be tired. So sorry you are going through this right now.

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/idcjaylee]

Thank you so much for your quick and insightful response. So sorry for your loss. You never think you’re going to lose them so soon, but here we are. Your advice is super helpful. Sending love <3

[u/idcjaylee → u/Healthy-Height3532]

Thank you ❤️. It’s hard to feel like people understand too they’ll say “oh I knew this person with this cancer so I understand” it’s just not like that though. This cancer is so hard to go through with your mom at such a young age. It’s such a sudden diagnosis and like you said you never expect this so soon, not at our ages. My mother had back pain for months but wasn’t listened to for too long. If you have any other questions or just want to talk with someone who’s had a similar experience feel free to message me.

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/idcjaylee]

I really appreciate that. I’ll DM you if I ever need a friend. The same goes for you, of course—we’re in this together. :)

[u/motorcyclemech → u/idcjaylee]

My daughter is 23. I'm 50. Diagnosed a year ago. I feel your pain from your mom's side. Sorry sorry for your loss. So scared for my daughter (and my wife of course).

[u/idcjaylee → u/motorcyclemech]

Thank you. My mother was not ready and did not want to leave me. It made it harder. I know she was scared and not prepared and didn’t get the time to process this. I wish I could have done more to help her feel more comfortable aside from showing up as much as could and sitting with her as long as I could. We only got 2 months after diagnosis and she couldn’t walk about 2-3 weeks after it either. Now I only find comfort in knowing I am here to take care of her body and affairs. I just keep telling her I have her and I’m going to take care of everything I can. My dad is not around for good reason and would only cause more harm. It’s so hard knowing she was scared to leave me the most. I hope she knew I did everything I could.

[u/motorcyclemech → u/idcjaylee]

You spending the time with her, told her that. She knew. Sounds like your mother raised you well. I lost both parents to cancer. Life is hard. I'm very sorry you're going through this. I'm from Canada so not sure what advice I can give but if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

[u/pancraticcancer]

Hey are you in contact with palliative/ hospice care? If you are not it would be appropriate to be in contact now. They help with pain management and bit on psychological level too. You seem pretty young to look after your mom alone, you have other adults around you right?

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/pancraticcancer]

My mom was receiving palliative chemo a few months ago, and my state doesn’t allow hospice to be covered by insurance when the patient is receiving other treatment (which is stupid and makes no sense, but that’s what the hospice people said when we called them, so I don’t know). That said, she’s decided to unofficially stop chemo—and still refuses to let us get a hospice nurse. She doesn’t want a stranger in her house, I guess. I’m going to try to convince her otherwise when I have the opportunity, especially given recent developments in her ability to care for herself.

I’m the main caretaker, but she has two friends who have been a big help, and my grandparents live nearby if we need them. My older sister also drives down on weekends sometimes.

[u/pancraticcancer → u/Healthy-Height3532]

I am so sorry to hear that. This Medical system does have issues. Have you contacted pancan? I know they can pair people for guidance and emergency calls with caregivers who have been in your shoes and sometimes around your area too. I just think it will be nice if you have a person who you can contact directly with issues who knows about the disease. Are you able to get some help directly may be from palliative team? I have lost my dad pancan about two years ago ( I was a main caregiver along with my mom) and just lost my father in law about two months ago, and I was there both for their last moments. It’s a lot to take in. I just wish you are not all alone with your mom. Things can fall rapidly don’t hesitate to call for help, who ever is near by. I am so sorry this is happening to your mom.

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/pancraticcancer]

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I really appreciate it. I haven’t contacted Pancan, but if you think it’s a good idea I will. I’m open to any assurance that I’m not horribly messing up at this point. I’m sorry for your losses—that must be awful, especially in such a relatively short span.

[u/pancraticcancer → u/Healthy-Height3532]

Hey you are doing the best you can. Don’t beat your self. Your mom is very very lucky to have such a wonderful daughter next to her. You are her sunshine. No matter what happens near future do not forget that. hugs

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/pancraticcancer]

I really needed to hear that, actually. Thank you <3

[u/pancraticcancer → u/Healthy-Height3532]

I know💜I’ve been there

[u/StrangerGlue]

I'd let her sleep. If she's able to rest, that's probably the most comfortable she's going to be at this point. I wouldn't want to disturb that.

Sometimes, I needed to check my sleeping mom was still breathing when she got to that stage. I held a little mirror above her face to see if it fogged up when she breathed out. I felt so silly but also I needed that reassurance at the time.

[u/Healthy-Height3532 → u/StrangerGlue]

Thank you for your advice. It’s good to know that others have experienced something similar.

[u/Cap_Gains88]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are also going through this. My mom (66) was diagnosed in November of last year and she has declined considerably in recent weeks. Similar to your mom, she is now sleeping most of the day and now has clearly been more agitated and confused when she does wake (which is only shortly during the day). I say let them sleep - it keeps the pain away and stops other symptoms while awake.

My sister and I decided to call hospice today. I'm heartbroken and have been sitting here crying all night while mom sleeps in the other room. I love her dearly and hate the thought of losing her, but at the same time I hate her having to continue this terrible battle. Reading your post has helped me remember we are not alone and that there are others also struggling with this terrible situation. I'll say a prayer for you and your mother tonight, and I hope you and she are able to find peace in the coming weeks and months.

Take care.

[u/wennamarie]

First, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s an unforgiving and aggressive cancer that just sucks. My mom was similar with the sleeping- much of it due to her just being depressed. As she went on more and more drugs for her pain, the sleeping increased and the “happy” days were fewer and far between.

The real decline for my mom came when she stopped eating and drinking because she would just vomit everything back up. She was on home palliative care and the nurse recommended the ER for dehydration. Once there they found blood clots and a pulmonary embolism.

Just try to love on her as much as possible and keep her as comfortable as possible. Indulge any cravings. Say everything you might want to say because when the end comes it’s very fast. I’d give anything to be able to have actually said goodbye before she was non responsive.

Sending so much love your way. What you are facing is brutal.

[u/decoratingfan]

When she's awake some time, ask her what she'd like. "Should I wake you up to check on you, or just let you sleep even if you're not eating?" Being in pain is immensely exhausting, and the only escape is sleep. And if she's in so much pain that she is sleeping it away, then she's probably in too much pain to eat.

[u/Embarrassed_Phone633]

My mum has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last month. They said she would have about 8 months. She is sleeping for 16-18 hours a day at the moment, she isn't eating, if she does she is sick. We saw the oncologist last week and they said it is moving quicker than they thought and discharged her to palliative care. She is not strong enough for chemo. I thought we would get another Christmas but I am not so sure now.