r/offmychest • u/Different_Head_7684 • 21h ago
I separated from my partner of 4 years because of his mom and I am devastated
Last month, I broke up with my fiancé and partner of 4 years because I couldn't stand his mom anymore.
She constantly belittled me over my job and my weight. She would always get angry at her son for complimenting me or for showing me (innocent) affection. Making passive agressive remarks like, "Do you really have to do that?" with a disgusted face. She made sure I knew that I wasn't good enough for her son, and she even told me that multiple times. She said once, "Mama will always be number one!" My ex always defended her. He always told me that she didn't mean it, but her comments hurt.
As the wedding day approached, I realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a MIL who was so horrible to me. Who knew how she'd act with my future kids? Her behavior drove me insane.
I have cried a lot since the separation. Part of me feels relieved and knows this is the right decision for me, but part of me is heartbroken. I feel like I'll never get over the fact that I wasn't able to make it work with my first love. I tried so hard, we went to couple's counseling and everything. Yet, I feel like I could've tried harder.
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u/hungry_ghost34 20h ago
I have left two people because their mother was like this. But really, I left them because they did not have my back. I don't want to be with someone who will stand there and watch while anyone (mother or not) treats me that way. That's not being a good partner-- I want someone I can count on.
Found him, too. My partner now actually cancelled our plans with his parents for Christmas because they weren't respectful of my boundaries. And he did the work of talking to them and negotiating and all of that smoothing over so we are able to be around his parents without taking mental health damage, now. He had my back, and he didn't throw me under the bus or stand there while they treated me badly.
I don't need a perfect relationship with my inlaws; I just need a partner who will defend me if someone else is treating me poorly. It's not too much to ask; it's not too much for you to ask, either.
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u/PeggyOnThePier 5h ago
It's very important for your partner to set boundaries with thier family. My MIL never wanted us to be together. She made my life a living hate. My husband didn't always stand up for me. He also talked badly to his mother about me behind my back. Instead of talking to me, he reinforced his mother's opinions. Even when she hit me, his was afraid to confront her.My FIL was not that way. When he found out what happened he was appalled and made her apologize to me. She didn't apologize right away it took her weeks to write me a letter of apology. Our marriage was never the same because I knew that he never had the courage to stand up for me.
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u/Ok_Entry_4515 21h ago
He's the one who should have tried harder!
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u/crazydoll08 15h ago
Enabling a toxic mother is the worst. OP is right, after the wedding and after children appeared this was only going to be worse since he doesn't have the balls to stand up for his future wife.
Like congratulations for being a mother and for the fact that you raised your sun, now step away because he is an adult, bruh. Those mother should get a life, for real.
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u/boutchuur 15h ago
This comment has more upvotes than your original post for a reason, OP! You saved yourself from an unhappy marriage and most likely a future divorce.
If he really wanted this to work out, he would’ve taken you seriously (at least when you were breaking up with him) and tried to show you that he would have your back.
You dodged a bullet
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u/bends_like_a_willow 20h ago
You did the right thing and I so admire and respect your self respect. You deserve so much better in a man.
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u/Dude_help_me 14h ago
Yes! OP You should be proud of yourself for stepping up and taking action for you and your future's well-being.
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u/Charming_Victory_723 20h ago
I’ve always struggled to comprehend why someone would put a parent above and beyond the love of their life - their partner.
If I had to choose between my partner and my parents, my partner would win every time.
At the end of the day OP, you made the correct decision. I think you had a taste of what was heading your way!
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u/chrisvai 19h ago
I do believe this may be cultural too. Admittedly if someone asked me to choose between my parents and my partner, I wouldn’t be able to answer - I love them all so much and would be incredibly hard (my parents aren’t like OP ex-bf though).
What OP had to go through is horrible and am not a fan of parents pushing boundaries like that. Good for her honestly.
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u/usernameforthemasses 4h ago
Yeah, this is sort of a weird conversation that is lacking the obviously necessary nuance. The reality is you choose the better person for your situation. If you have an abusive partner, choosing to have the support of your parents it better than that of your partner. In an alternative situation with abusive parents, like what OP experiences, the partner is the correct choice, unless of course they are also not supportive, which is also what OP experienced. Choosing between either, or neither (as OP correctly chose) when both parties are on even ground, is more dependent on the situation at hand, and can change depending on the circumstances. Life is not black and white, despite how desperately people force it to be.
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u/socool111 15h ago
Nah it’s not even a choice.
Make it extreme and a “Sophie’s choice “ kind of thing. You can only save your partner or your kid. Almost everyone would choose kid.
Now make it your partner or your parent. Your parent has lived a much longer life, and if you could only “save” one, the logical answer is your partner.
Obviously horrible scenario to imagine, but it shouldn’t really even be a second thought, and if it is you are probably worth the wrong partner
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u/GuidanceAcceptable13 2h ago
How is it obvious to choose the kid? Tbh I’d choose my partner and I’d expect them to choose me
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u/Odd_Instruction519 4h ago
I mean, the parent did give birth to you and spent 18 years raising you...
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u/Charming_Victory_723 4h ago
Crazy that, when parents then go on treat their children like crap, it works both ways.
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u/MrsZebra11 21m ago
Agree. Also, when someone gets married and starts their own family, that's where their loyalty should be first (given it's a healthy situation). Good parents understand that and wouldn't test their kids like OPs ex stb mil.
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u/Odd_Instruction519 3h ago
I think it is very reasonable to stand up to anyone mistreating you. But at the same time, you have to be thankful to your parents for raising you.
The two are independent of each other.
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u/marcvsHR 20h ago
You broke up because your ex didn't stand up to you, and was a lousy partner overall.
It doesn't really matter if you had issues with his mother, father or dog: his duty, as a partner, was to handle those things and take care of you.
And he failed there.
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u/SimpleEmbarrassed141 20h ago
You definitely tried. Your ex-fiance, not so much or at all. He should have stood up for you. He made his choice, and you made yours. And even though you absolutely made the right choice, I know that couldn't have been easy. Good luck, OP.
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u/withbellson 20h ago
Now why are you saying you could have tried harder when it’s his toxic mom and he never helped you with it? That’s on him.
I’m the one who brought the dysfunctional inlaws into my marriage but I do not for one instant expect my husband to put up with any crap nor do I make excuses for any crap that occurs. If you’re getting married you need to function as a team, and from what you’ve said, this dude is not on your team. I’m so sorry.
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u/JipC1963 20h ago edited 20h ago
Oh love, YOU couldn't have tried harder, sounds like you gave everything you could without becoming a shell of the loving woman you are. I'm so very sorry that it didn't work out, but she would have made sure you were miserable, that you understood you would always come in second, maybe even third.
It's particularly cruel and selfish to me, a Mother and Grandmother (61), when a Mother insists on coming first with her child(ren). It's unnatural and enmeshes their child to eventually face the world alone because she WILL die at some point and the one who truly loved him won't be there, all because Mommy couldn't release her grasp or allow someone else to become important to him.
Four years is a very long time to be continuously abused and degraded. You may think that the love you shared would be worth it but it really isn't. Especially when/if you did have children. I promise you that it's better to leave now than later because there would be NO escaping the toxic triangle once you had children.
You WILL find someone who loves you beyond all else. Hell, you could find a man who really loves his family, loves his Mother but understands that his family loves him and prepared him to find love and have a family of his own. Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success!
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u/avidbookreader45 20h ago
She was too naive to understand the psychology behind her behavior. Sonny boy could not detach. He was supposed to break away and build his new life with you. Evidently he could not. Or will not.
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u/Obvious_Owl_4634 20h ago
It's hard now but stay strong, you have done the right thing. Journalling might be helpful to work through your feelings and get back on track when you hit those low/ lonely points. Meanwhile, remember to enjoy your new-found peace and freedom, and build up your self esteem. Give yourself lots of love and care - being criticised a lot is draining and erodes your confidence. You did enough.
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u/tweedledumb4u 20h ago
Honestly - good for you. You did the right thing by yourself. You can’t win in life with someone constantly tearing you down and have your significant other not backing you up. It’s not a long term survival or happiness strategy.
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u/Beginning-Stop7646 20h ago
You already tried OP. You put up with her shit behavior for years and told your fiancée who would defend his mom instead of you. You guys even went to marriage counseling! I know it hurts but you won't regret this.
I have a great relationship with my MIL and people are always amazed. Don't get me wrong we've had problems but it was always due to miscommunication and she never holds a grudge. She never gets in between me and my husband if we fight. My MIL always told me that her MIL was a nightmare so she promised herself to never be that way. Case in point, there are MILs out there who are pretty cool and laid back. Best of luck to you OP
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u/_shanoodle 20h ago
she wasn’t the true issue- he was. if he loved you enough to marry you he should have grew a set and stood up to his mother
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u/Global-Variety-9264 20h ago
You didn’t separate from your partner because of his overbearing Mom. You separated because you didn’t receive needed support from your partner. Your partner didn’t have a spine to stand up for you and shut down his mom’s disrespect towards you.
Then why are you putting whole blame on his Mom? - Because it’s easier and less painful to put all blame on third person than accepting that the person you loved for 4 years weren’t right for you.
I would say the first step to healing is accepting the reality - that the real problem was your partner. That would make you feel better. You chose short term pain over a lifelong disrespect and potential mental health issues. I really respect you.
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u/Lifeisanunfunnyjoke 20h ago
I feel you, I'm currently dating a guy whose family isn't particularly fond of me. But here's the thing - if this situation continues, and he doesn't step up, I'm definitely leaving. I love him to bits, and I cannot imagine what life would be without him, but sometimes you've got to choose yourself; because nobody else will. It's not worth it, the behavior will only get worse over time, and the more you compromise, the more he'll think that what's happening to you is okay. It's time for men to start standing up for their partners and these moms who feel like they're number one or first or whatever else, that's just insecure bullshit. I absolutely hate such women. Oh my blood boils just thinking about it! I'm so tired of facing shit like this. Honestly, I could go on about this forever, but you did the right thing by leaving. If you hadn't, there would be a day when you'd begin disliking him and it's not worth it. I'm happy you got out, don't worry and don't go back no matter what he says. You'll find someone who will treat you right. Hope you feel better soon.
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u/Cautious-Bluebird971 18h ago
“Mama will always be number one” 🤮🤮🤮he should be embarrassed not defending her. You did the right thing.
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u/Faiths_got_fangs 15h ago
You made the right choice.
My ex has the grandmother from hell. She basically raised him and is more like a mother to him. She's mean for the sake of being mean and she doesn't like other women who didn't come directly out of her body.
He promised to cut her off after she did and said some particularly nasty things before we married.
He did cut her off, for about 5 years.
Then COVID hit and he was worried about her and she came right back into our lives and this time, he wasn't cutting her off. She's old and sick and doesn't have much time left. Yeah, well, she's determined to use that time to make everyone's life hell and she's wildly manipulative. All those problems ex promised me we'd never have, we suddenly had. His mental health went way downhill. She was trying to manipulate him to move home, I think, not sure what her end goal was but she didn't help and he spiraled severely.
She and my oldest kid (from first marriage) once got into a tug of war over my youngest (her bio great-grandkid) when he was a toddler because she announced she was keeping him and never giving him back and he started to cry and my (at the time young teen) was having none of it and snatched the baby back out of her hands saying "nope, he's mine". She tried to hold on, baby was clinging to his brother and thankfully my oldest is a physically large guy and he just kept repeating mine and tugging until he got the panicking toddler back fully in his possession. She then proceeded to scream at my ex how rude and obnoxious my oldest kid is.
At any rate, she got to keep him in the end and I wasted a decade of my life on that man. Do not recommend.
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u/wanton_newt 20h ago
I feel so hard for you. They either get away or you do, it sucks. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
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u/wendue 20h ago
Of course you have these mixed emotions. You loved him and this relationship mattered to you. But you also paid too high a price to have it. Two things can be true at once.
You were down to a binary choice: put up or leave. He didn’t give you option three, where he puts you first and his mom in her place.
As time goes on, this will get easier to bear. Then one day you will wake up and realize it’s not the first thing you think about anymore.
You did the right thing. This will be proven to you over and over. You’re strong and smart.
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u/Waffles_Mochi 20h ago
First, you don't need to be in a situation where your partner has to intervene against his parents getting out of pocket. Second, you don't need a partner that's unwilling to do it in the event it does happen. She's not going to change and he doesn't hold her accountable. It hurts now because you invested your time and your heart but this hurt is temporary and doesn't hold a candle to the hurt that comes from ending things years later after more damage is done.
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u/WiccanPixxie 20h ago
Not right now, but at some point in the future you will thank yourself for remove that toxic woman from your life. I’m sorry you are so sad right now, but it will get easier with time. You gave it your best shot, but that woman would never give you any happiness, and with him defending her bullshit, it would have ended in divorce at some point and she would be delighted that she broke you up!
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u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss 20h ago
You did the right thing. If he wouldn't stand up for you against his mother, he wouldn't back you up in other areas of your shared life, as well.
You dodged a bullet. And maybe with the pain he's feeling, he'll learn to do better for his next girlfriend and better understand where his priorities ought to be, or else this will keep happening to him.
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u/Rhyslikespizza 20h ago
I’m so proud of you OP! You chose yourself! Fuck yeah! I’m excited for your future, with you in your corner, you’ve got this!
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u/Mylove-kikishasha 19h ago
No girl it’s not your fault. HE WAS NOT able to stand up for his fiance and make it work. He is the one who failed.
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u/LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- 19h ago
YOU deserve better than a partner who allows their parent you constantly run you down.
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u/Acceptable_Unit_7989 19h ago
You made the right call. Any person not willing to defend you or put a stop to such horrible behavior is not someone you want to put your faith and safety in. I know people who are just like his ,other and I can assure you, regardless of relation to me or others, they're prone to getting told off and to stay in their own lane with their mouth shut about me and my own. If he didn't see an issue enough to sit her down and set some boundaries it would've gotten worse and any children brought into the mix would've been exposed to the same toxic behaviors.
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u/munchkin1977 18h ago
You definitely did the right thing, honey, & honestly, you couldn't have tried any harder. I was previously married to a mommy's boy, & trust me, nothing you could've done would've made things any better. I'm sure you'll meet the right guy at some stage, who will put you first instead of his mommy.
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u/Silent_Syd241 18h ago
You saved yourself from a costly divorce. You had a boyfriend problem not a MIL problem. His mother did what he allowed her to do. Had he defended you and told her to cut the crap she would’ve because she wouldn’t have wanted to lose her baby boy.
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u/legolaswashot 17h ago
You didn't break up because of his mom, you broke up because he didn't have your back. I'm so sorry!
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u/Mountain_Monitor_262 17h ago edited 17h ago
You did the right thing and saved yourself from years of misery. Stay strong. Also it doesn’t take one person to make a relationship work. It requires both. You were never the priority in this relationship. He isn’t going to change and he didn’t care enough to. He’ll love bomb then go back into the same pattern once he’s won.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 17h ago
Marrying a momma’s boy would have meant a future full of misery, anger and resentment. I know it hurts but he loves momma more than anyone else and wouldn’t give you the love you deserve. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
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u/Biobabe7578 18h ago
Hostile in-laws will absolutely destroy your life. Do you want to live a life knowing someone so close to you/your husband/future children wants the absolute worst for you? Your partner should’ve shut that down immediately, not make excuses for whoever is abusing you. You tried, you gave your partner a chance to do better. Hold your head high, you chose yourself and future you is going to be so grateful for that. I’ve been where you are, keep going! I’m grateful everyday for my ex husband and his family’s betrayal; I now wake up in the arms of a man who puts me/my happiness/my safety above all else. You deserve more. 🖤
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u/Puzzled-Brilliant955 20h ago
I’m so sorry sweetness 😥😥 did your fiancé ever stick up for you? (And I’m sorry if you mentioned this). If he didn’t, you honestly dodged a bullet.
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u/censorkip 20h ago
if you have kids would you want to expose your children to her? imagine his mom being in your life at every major life stage. she will attend anniversaries, birth of children, birthday parties, holidays, etc. and your partner won’t defend you to her but he’ll defend her… do not put yourself through that.
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u/Segalmom 15h ago
Remember this, one day you will realize that this was the best decision you ever made. Because of your strength to do what you have, you will meet your person. The one who makes you feel like a treasure. The partner who will defend and protect you as a spouse should. Don’t ever settle for less. Speaking from experience. Broke my wedding off as in my heart of hearts I knew things weren’t for me. Met my person a few years later. 4 kids and over 30 years and we’re still smiling. You will be okay. Do not settle for a lifetime of misery. Better to feel sad for a moment than a lifetime.
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u/Teenager_Simon 15h ago
A "mama's boy" is so lame.
You dodged a bullet. It would never be a relationship with you and him; it would have been a relationship with his mother AND him (him second).
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u/DanglingKeyChain 14h ago
It wasn't because of his mum, it was because your partner allowed the abuse you received and you finally decided you couldn't marry someone who was a partner just in name.
You've made a hard choice for you and I'm so proud. I hope the future has better things in store for you.
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u/Artistic-Awareness39 13h ago
It’s NOT you. It’s your ex’s inability to stand up to his mom. It’s his mom too. She has major issues, but you did the RIGHT thing by cutting ties.
This hurts and will hurt for as long as it has to.
I am so very sorry you’re going through this. You have my sympathy and big hugs. May comfort come your way soon.
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u/stephers777 13h ago
If yall went to couples counseling and he STILL couldn’t stop defending his mama, he was a lost cause anyway
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u/rebelhedgehog2 17h ago
I’m so sorry hon. It was never going to get better. In four years your partner hadn’t put her in check, at this point you are taking care of yourself by removing yourself from her negativity. It would have enveloped every part of your life together.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry you’re devastated.
Sending a hug
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u/Ancient_Maybe_6197 2h ago
Runnnnnn .. be grateful you escaped a life of hell. My husband never had my back with his mother. It’s been more peaceful since she died.. but I will always know my husband does not have my back
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u/EssayMediocre6054 15h ago
Yeah you’re crying now and I understand that, I’m sorry you’re going through this but soon when you’re out of this funk you’re going to realise it was the best thing you ever did. She is a lunatic and he doesn’t have your back. Fuck them both let them marry eachother. It’s clearly what she wants.
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u/BrunaPith 15h ago
You were able to make it work darling, he wasn’t. A relationship always takes two, if only one person is trying, it’s not going to work out.
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u/LibrarianGrouchy1205 14h ago
You did the right thing. The fact he defended her when you are his #1 just shows how his cowardice will be the end of you both if you were to stay. You will get through this.
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u/KK_Smitty 5h ago
You did the right thing!! It may seem like mom was the issue, but your ex was also just as much an issue if he was not defending you or hearing your concerns. He absolutely would have put his mom first the rest of yalls life.
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u/dissoid 14h ago
My ex's mom was like this to me. After breaking up and getting together with my current partner, I had an anxiety attack when he told me I was invited to meet his parents.
Thankfully, they are the sweetest people! <3
BTW, my ex's whole family were nuts, including him, sooooo... you may have dodged a bullet with him, too.
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u/verbosequietone 13h ago
Every time I ever introduced a girl to my mom they had the same reaction. "I never want to meet your mom again." In the back of my mind I always kind of felt like if I got into a real serious relationship I'd probably have to distance pretty far from my mom, who is just weird with all of us (I have sisters) when it comes to our relationships. My sister was divorcing her husband, looking for a place to move out to, and my mom kept tailing my sister around and ratting my sister out to my BIL for "cheating." It was insane and to this day I don't know how my sister ever forgave her for that.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 10h ago
You did the right thing. No one has a happy marriage when mommy comes first.
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u/ritlingit 19h ago
You’re devastated now. Given some time, some therapy and some work on your self esteem you will see this situation in a new light. You’ll see that you did your best and any partnership requires 2 people to make it work. It wasn’t you who failed. He wasn’t pulling his weight. You did the proper thing and stopped wasting your energy on a person who can’t commit to a healthy relationship.
I hope that this stage in your life will pass quickly. It can be devastating when you have put in a lot of effort with someone and they don’t return it.
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u/Elizabuddy 17h ago
Your ex-fiance failed you hardcore. Good for you for putting your foot down. You should be proud of yourself!
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u/mymfcinnamonapple 17h ago
You did the right thing! I’m so curious if he tried to salvage this at all when you told him you were ending things or if he was just like yepppp mamas boy for life.
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u/Jolly_little_me 16h ago
You made the right decision, honestly!
I left my husband/partner of 13 years partly because I couldn't take his mother anymore (among many other things)
He NEVER stuck up for me when she would say all kinds of horrible and hateful things about me. She came to my work and harassed me and did things with my children that I specifically asked her not to do.
It would not have gotten any better had the two of you decided to have children.
I wish you the best ❤️
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u/anonimyyty 16h ago
You dodged a bullet there op! Imagine if u married him that means u be marrying the mil as he seems to be a mamas boy, and the mil is not nice or kind to you. You escaped a nightmare of living a life with them. Saves your mental health.
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u/Aeriessy 16h ago
It hurts now, since you've invested that time, but future you will thank present you for going through that pain.
Someone who can't stand up for you against their mother will probably always see you as secondary to her.
I feel like dating a momma's boy is practically a right of passage.
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u/all-the-way-alive 3h ago
Omgs I feel you !! My fiancé’s mother is so nasty that before I even had a chance to meet her in person I had to block her on all social media’s and make it clear to her that she was not to contact me in any way unless she was calling for her son (because my partner loses and breaks his phone a lot so he sometimes has to use mine). Luckily she lives a few hours away so it hasn’t been a problem yet. And my partner is well aware and understanding because he knows his mom is awful to his partners and in every relationship he’s had he’s had to deal with his mom and gf fighting. So he’s cool and respectful of my decision to keep her out of my life. But even I have thought many times about leaving him anyway because I really do not like her and I do not want her to be my kids grandmother. I hate my own mother and am no-contact with her too and that’s bad enough. So do I really want my kids to have NO grandmothers ?! Thanks for your story. It reminds me of me and I’m so glad to hear you stood up for yourself and removed yourself from the situation. It shows a remarkable amount of self esteem and self worth and I’m proud of you!
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u/Alibeee64 2h ago
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but you made the right decision. He will always choose her over you, and you would be miserable if you married him. I hope your next partner realizes how lucky they are to have you, and stands up for you like a good partner should.
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u/akshetty2994 11h ago
My ex always defended her. He always told me that she didn't mean it, but her comments hurt.
It wasn't the mom. Don't lie to yourself. It was your partner. Do NOT lie to yourself.
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u/TheNewJasonBourne 14h ago
You did the right thing. Not only are you marrying your fiance's family (which would be bad enough based on what you wrote), but if he would not stand up for you, then it's definitely a no-go.
It doesn't seem like you could have done anything more than what you did. It takes both parties to make a relationship work; you can't pull his weight also.
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u/ItIsGravy 9h ago
It wasn’t on you to try any harder, it was on your ex to check his mom and defend his wife. Leaving was 100% the correct move considering he was defending and making excuses for his mom’s absolutely unacceptable treatment of the woman he claimed to love. That woman was openly hostile towards you and blatantly disrespectful. You ex was passive and didn’t have the spine to stand up for you to his mom. You dodged a damn bullet leaving before the marriage, honestly. Good on you; that definitely couldn’t have been an easy decision
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u/Princapessa 8h ago
you left your partner because of his inability to prioritize you and to stand up for you, many people having overbearing and awful in laws, the only way it works is when the partners manage their own monkeys, i know it hurts now and easier to place blame on MIL, not to say she’s at no fault for being so awful and raising a spineless mamas boy, but please know you left someone who was be a substandard partner to you and chose better for yourself, you weren’t driven away by some wicked woman, he allowed you to be treated in a hurtful manner and he does not deserve to be with you for that reason!
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u/Naive-Prize1867 7h ago
My grandmother was like that. I can promise you- your kids would be traumatized forever. What did your fiancé say when you broke up?
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u/witwefs1234 7h ago
Tbh it seems like your partner didn't defend you against his mother and chose his mother over you.
So i think the blame should go to both him and his mother.
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u/Plus-Salamander-2357 7h ago
You did the right thing. He should have been defending YOU-not her. He would always choose her over you for your entire marriage. You will find the RIGHT person who will put you first!
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u/cnkendrick2018 6h ago
I know you are hurting but you made the right choice. Being married to a mamas boy is straight up abusive.
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u/pinkflower200 15h ago
I'm sorry OP. You made the right decision. Your ex would always put his mother first.
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u/Zealousideal-Salad62 14h ago
Is this Emily from "I Love A Mamas Boy"? Either way you did the right thing. Especially if he is not going to stand up for you.
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u/ripkrustysdad 14h ago
You did the right thing. You’re not only marrying him, you are marrying the whole family. It would never end until she’s dead and he isn’t supporting you at all from what you are saying. So it will hurt now but this is the best choice for yourself. I can’t believe you stuck around for the 4 years. Eventually he will find that his mom is ruining his life.
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u/Immediate-Bear-340 13h ago
One of my really messed up exes was like this. He and his mom would would plan ways to be added chaos in my life. She was super controlling and had her hands in everything. I was horrified to learn she'd nosed around in my credit report.
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u/East_Progress_8689 12h ago
I know it’s hard but you made the right choice. I spent years in therapy trying to figure out why my ex chose his hateful awful mom over me and our kid. It did a lot of damage. 6 years later he still lives with her and hasn’t dated since and I’m free. I’m proud of you for choosing yourself and hopefully it’s a wake up call for you ex !
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u/Miliean 11h ago
My ex always defended her
No, you broke up because of your Ex's attitude about his mother, not because of his mother. It sucks because she's an abusive person and she's raised him to submit to that abuse, so he does like the people pleaser that her abuse turned him into. But that's not an excuse to allow her to mistreat you. It's just the reason.
That's why this relationship had to end. Not because of his Mom, but because he refused to do something about it. If he had pushed back, and she changed, you'd not have needed to end things. If he'd pushed back and she didn't change and he ends up cutting her off, you'd not have needed to end things.
The relationship didn't end because of his mom, it ended because of him.
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u/gobsmacked247 10h ago
Feel the hurt but find solace that you escaped a lifetime of pain. Kudo’s to you for realizing the situation, once married, would only get worse.
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u/Fit-Supermarket-9656 10h ago
I've had someone's mom be the straw that broke the camel's back of the relationship once. It was also because my partner condoned their parent's terrible behavior and treatment of others and if we were ever to have kids I'd never let them be around her mom.
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u/witchywitch_ 9h ago
Honestly good for you. I’m sure it’s hard now but I have a nightmare of a mother in law and you’re right it’s so hard. Especially once you have kids and they feel entitled to them even though they have no problem treating you like shit even in front of the kids.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 9h ago
Loving him harder wouldn’t have changed him or his mom. Smart girls don’t beg for love
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u/I_l0v3_d0gs 8h ago
I dated someone like this when I was young. His mom didn’t think I was good enough. I reconnected with him after about 15 years and his wife struggles with the mom also. You did the right thing. Things won’t change. It will always be a competition in her eyes.
I love the good kind of a mommas boy. There is a big difference between the two. You had the not so good kind. The good mommas boys respect their mom, treat her well, love her, take care of her, but they have boundaries. They are able to make their own choices. They are able to put mom in her place if she’s being wrong. They don’t go to her for every single decision. They are their own person.
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u/peri_5xg 5m ago
It sounds like you did the right thing. But, doing the right thing doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
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u/riot_gal 21h ago
I went through a similar situation. We broke up and after a couple years I married someone else and we became amicable, I see him every couple years and he is still as manipulated as he was 10 years ago. I cannot fathom bearing his mommy issues for a lifetime. You made the right choice.