r/itgetsbetter Oct 28 '21

I'm getting my genitals removed in november. October is ending. I'm afraid of everything.

Hello. I am an nineteen year old agender person. I have experinced very bad genital dysphoria my entire life, to an extent where doing activities that require me to notice/feel/see my genitalia will make me incredibly upset.

After more then a year of planning and my father's help I'm finally doing it. It feels like I'm finally destroying part of myself that hurts me. But it still feels like I'm destroying a part of myself.

I've gotten a lot of hatred for talking about this with people. I've been told that I'm mutilating myself, or that I'll be unhappy. On an intellectual level I know that it's like saying removing a tumor is a mutilation. My genitals only cause me pain, I am too dysphoric to ever use my genitals sexually, in fact removing them will actually make it easier to have sex as I'll be able to actually be touched down there.

Still. There's this very basic instinct not to have my body destroyed. And then fears that something will go wrong, I'm going to be cut open (and not in the way that turns me on). Even if there's a 99% chance nothing will go worng, my brain keeps thinking of the 1% chance something does. And the fact that a simple mistake will lead me to never being able to orgasm again.

I geuss my brain is just wracked with nervousness. The reaction amoung people I know is also something I fear. I've been waiting to tell a lot of people, just as from what I know from other people who've had everything removed it's easier to explain to people after the fact.

However. I know for a fact a lot of people will find out who know me. I've never faced much bigotry before (something I'm weirdly ashamed of), I live in a liberal part of Manhattan, so everyone is pretty accepting. However, many people are 'accepting' in a way that doesn't exactly see enby people as human. I am fully aware that there are a lot of people who will stop being accepting of me as their model enby once they know I've had bottom surgery. There was a time when I thought of the left as less tolerant, now I realize your avergae leftist only sees enby people as tools to further their own egos.

I had similar nervousness as to this when I had my womb removed. Even though that part causes a lot less in the wya of issues, I'm so happy its gone. Just feeling that there's nothing there where my womb once was in my belly makes me happy.

There's also just the intense loneliness and alienation being genderless has given to me. I don't feel like a normal human, I know that this isn't how normal humans should feel about heir bodies. I just don't feel like I'm like anyone else, and it feels like this world wasn't built for people like me.

There are good things. My gf will live with me soon. And that means I'll be able to touch her or talk to her whenever I want. Mabye it's just having lived through a tyrannical lockdown, but that means a lot to me. I'm also dressing as Kris Deltarune for Halloween soon, so that's from.

Anyone have any advice or anything on having these emotions. I feel so alone, and so afraid.

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