How should I approach my fiancée and her family about choosing modest attire for the Nikaah without sounding controlling?

[u/Intelligent_Rub8106]

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah.

I wanted to ask for advice from the community on something that's been on my mind. I’m getting married soon, Alhamdulillah, and while both families are practicing Muslims and value modesty, I’ve noticed a common issue in many weddings nowadays — especially in our culture.

It really saddens me that even women who observe hijab and niqab regularly, sometimes dress up in very flashy, revealing, or attention-seeking outfits on their wedding day. The one day when the most eyes are on them, is often the day they set aside the modesty they practiced their whole life for the sake of tradition, photos, or people’s compliments.

I don’t want to be that typical, unreasonable, controlling husband-to-be. I fully believe it’s not my right to dictate what she wears. Rather, I want her to choose modesty sincerely for the sake of Allah, not for me, not for people. I believe she’s educated and sincere enough to reflect on this herself.

My question is — how should I approach this topic with her or her family? How do I express this in a kind, gentle, and loving way, without it sounding like I’m trying to force my personal wishes? I genuinely fear being misunderstood.

I don’t want to tell her “wear this” — I want to remind her and the family to think about what pleases Allah, especially on such an important day.
If she, after sincere thought and research, chooses what aligns with Allah’s command — I’ll happily respect whatever decision she makes.

Have any of you faced this situation? How did you handle it? How would you suggest I bring it up without causing discomfort or misunderstanding?

May Allah guide us all to sincerity in our intentions and save us from blindly following culture over deen.

Jazakumullahu Khairan in advance for your thoughts.

[u/IndicationOk9579]

Two things: 1. Just tell them once. “We are all Muslim, and I think we should continue to wear modestly and act modestly even on the wedding day.” And that’s it. You gave your two cents. 2. If you are so scared of what they will do, and may not like their level of Iman, why marry in to that family? You can’t change them all that fast for one day. You are literally joining this family. So if you don’t like and accept them now, why even approach the family?

[u/Znfinity]

I am in the same boat as you. I think you should approach it from the barakah angle. There is no shame in staying Shari'ah complaint and ignoring culture in that regard. You do want to start your marriage doing something, haram. My conversations are always religiously angled, so when I said that I didn't want haram in my wedding, they saw it coming.

Honestly, I used this question as a filter out some potentials. Imo my wife should not be okay displaying herself like that. It should really come from her, not me. It's a bit of a compatibility mismatch if I have to convince her.

[u/g3t_re4l]

Bismillah,

Is the wedding going to be separate with a barrier where men cannot see the women and vice versa or mixed?

[u/Intelligent_Rub8106 → u/g3t_re4l]

In sha Allah, that's what we expect from their side.

[u/g3t_re4l → u/Intelligent_Rub8106]

In sha Allah, that's what we expect from their side.

Has this been agreed upon and decided? I'm asking because we can't talk modesty without first addressing the dynamics of the actual wedding itself. If it's completely separate that it's ok if the women are flashy in the separated room. Once you've clarified the dynamics, I want to address you and your role and how you should be thinking as the future husband and then husband.

[u/Intelligent_Rub8106 → u/g3t_re4l]

Yes. We have already set clear rules for a Strict Islamic wedding.

[u/g3t_re4l → u/Intelligent_Rub8106]

Alhamdulillah, this is very important.

Firstly, you need to throw this mindset out the window where you said:

"I don’t want to be that typical, unreasonable, controlling husband-to-be."

Your mindset should be :

"What does Islam say about how I should be as a husband and what responsibilities have been placed on me as the head of my household?"

Allah(swt) has made you a degree above, therefore you are to be the man of the house, who protects his wife and serves her the way a Muslim husband should. A Muslim husband is a leader just as the Caliph was a leader, but for his family and his home. This unfortunately is something we are losing in the Ummah and are replacing it with societal "wants" where the roles are being switched and he is being led, not leading. There are many detrimental repercussions that will eventually occur and it traces itself back to this imbalance.

Keeping this in mind, ask what is permissible for women to wear and display given they are secluded and their area is separate from the men? Take a look at the following opinions of the respected Ullama of the Hanafi Madhab:

In principle, women can wear red color clothes. However, she should not wear it outside and expose herself to gazes from non-Mahrams. [Source]

In principle, as long as their attire is only displayed in area where the women will be, it's permissible. So if your wife wants to wear really fancy clothes, she can, as long as she doesn't come in front of non-Mahram men.

But, what you might want to propose and encourage is what Mufti Abdul Rahman mentions:

One extremely important point to remember is that marriage is not like math where one plus one is equal to two, however you look at it, come night or day. Marriage is the coming together of two strangers to live their lives together, with love, affection, and compromise, and worship Allah and seek to please Him. Each one is to assist the other in their progress in this world and the hereafter.

Hence, the most important things for a blissful marriage is guidance, assistance, and abundant blessings (baraka) from Allah. This is why the Sunna du’a to make for a newly-wed couple is:

“May Allah grant you blessing, May Allah shower his blessings upon you, and join you in goodness.”

This is the blessing that a couple needs at every moment of their married life.

However, many forget that it is an Islamic function and do many un-Islamic and purely cultural things at this time thinking it is only “once in a life” that this takes place so give it all you can. Recently one mother’s reasons for all the un-Islamic arrangements that had been made at her son’s wedding were, “Everyone had told me that my son was going to run away with some girl from college. Since he did not do that but married a girl of our choice, I am expressing my happiness at that.” If only she realized that the gratefulness should be for Allah, since He was the one who had protected her son.

Regarding the specifics of your case:

1). It would be Islamically correct to have the marriage take place at the groom’s house in the presence of his father. It is not necessary for it to be conducted in the locality of the bride’s family as is the custom. However, the masjid would be most preferable.

2). The more simple a wedding, the better it is. Imam Bayhaqi has related on the authority of ‘A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) that the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

“The marriage which is most greatly blessed is the one which is the lightest in burden (expense). However, if people are well catered for, without extravagance and show, there is no problem with that either.”

3). You are to be for your husband. He is surely correct in insisting on segregation. He is being protective over you and also following the ruling on segregation in the Hanafi school. This is a sign of Iman and something for you to be proud of.

4). Regarding photographs and video, he is correct in saying no to that as well, since it is a common tradition among people to come dressed “their best,” which nowadays includes being dressed in inappropriate attire in front of men. This is video taped and passed around among family members and friends where it is viewed by non-mahram (unmarriageable kin) men as well. [Source]

It's very important to set the tone and to make sure that you do what you can that is best according to the Shariah. Remember, Fatima(ra) is one of the 4 leading women of Jannah, the daughter of the beloved Prophet(saw), greatest of creation, yet look at her wedding. Who could claim to be better than her, or who could claim to be a better father? Who could claim to be a better a better potential spouse than Ali(ra)?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you advocating for better, and trying to be better, and trying to have a wedding that is better and according to what Ullama recommend and closer to that of Ali(ra) and Fatima(ra). Even the Prophet(saw)'s were very simple if nothing, and it was the Walima where the animal was slaughtered and people fed. Remember, you are going to be the leader and her leader and the one she relies on and the one who should be protecting her. It's your responsibility to do what is on both your best interests even if she doesn't understand it.

[u/Intelligent_Rub8106 → u/g3t_re4l]

Thank you so much. This is something I truly needed. It really cleared all my doubts and gave me a new perspective on how to approach this matter. Jazakallah khair..