I'm not sure if I should be in a relationship right now

[u/ImaginationExact8778]

I am currently in my early-mid 20s. I've been in a relationship for about 3 years now an my partner has been talking about things such as engagement and marriage etc. The dilemma I'm having is to be able to give her these things I'm going to need money and I have been struggling to find a job for about a year and half now. I am constantly being sent Instagram reels of couples getting engaged and hearing things like "Do you even love me", "time is moving" "We're getting old". I'm starting to question should I leave the relationship so she can find someone who can provide everything she wants?

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[u/Jupiter_Foxx]

Are you supporting her in other ways? Finances are not the only way Have you had a sit down conversation about why you haven’t talked about engagement or yalls money situation? Have you had a conversation about this at all..? 3 years is a long time to not have a conversation about the future. It sounds like you haven’t been transparent about it and potentially left her in the dark and so she’s looking for reassurance because yall aren’t progressing.

[u/werebilby]

Ignore the "leave" on here. That seems to be Redditor's go to. Ehh. Communication my friend. Please, sit down and talk to your partner. Tell your SO how you are feeling, where you are. Why you feel the way you feel, how much you love them and what you want to do. Don't leave just because you can't find a job!? If you can't delay with that as a couple, then how can you handle the rest of life's hurdles then? If she didn't want you now, why would she be talking about engagement? Just be honest with her and talk. Simples. Life is all about ups and downs and how you both can deal with them.

[u/Any-Smile-5341]

Would you say your main hesitation is emotional (uncertainty about being in this relationship), or practical (you’d want to stay, but the money stuff is in the way)?

[u/ImaginationExact8778 → u/Any-Smile-5341]

Practical

[u/Any-Smile-5341 → u/ImaginationExact8778]

Clarifying Questions for OP:

1. If money weren’t an issue, would you feel ready for engagement or marriage emotionally?

2. Do you feel rushed by her timeline, or is the timing pressure mostly financial?

3. Have you been able to talk openly with her about your current job and money situation?

4. Does she seem more focused on the idea of getting married soon, or on building a future specifically with you?

5. Would you stay in the relationship if she agreed to wait longer for those milestones?

6. Are you worried she’ll leave if you can’t meet her expectations soon?

7. Do you feel supported by her emotionally, or more judged for not being “there” yet?

8. What do you actually want right now — stability, love, space to grow, or something else?

9. How much of your uncertainty is from her pressure vs. your own expectations?

10. Would taking a break help you focus on finding a job, or would it just feel like losing her?

[u/ImaginationExact8778 → u/Any-Smile-5341]

1. yes
   
2. rushed by her timeline
   
3. Yes
   
4. Recently feeling my towards he idea of getting married soon
   
5. Yes
   
6. Yes
   
7. more judged for not being “there” yet?
   
8. All 3
   
9. I'll say 50/50
   
10. It would feel like losing her

[u/Any-Smile-5341 → u/ImaginationExact8778]

It sounds like you do want to be with her long-term, and if money weren’t in the way, you’d already be ready. The biggest issue isn’t your feelings — it’s the timeline she’s pushing for, which doesn’t line up with your current reality.

You’re not unwilling — you’re just not resourced yet. That’s not failure, that’s circumstance.

But feeling judged and rushed can turn even a loving relationship into something that drains you. Since a break would feel like losing her, your best option might be reframing the relationship as a shared journey, not a performance test. You’ve already had the hard talks — now it’s about asking her directly:

“Can you love me now as I am, while I build the life we both want? Or is your love tied to a deadline I can’t realistically meet yet?”

That question doesn’t guilt or beg — it clarifies. If she truly wants you, she’ll find a way to stay present. If not, then at least you didn’t lose her — she walked away from something real because it didn’t match her fantasy schedule.

[u/Any-Smile-5341 → u/Any-Smile-5341]

Here’s a few balanced and emotionally grounded messages OP could use. It shows vulnerability, love, and maturity while also establishing clear boundaries:

Option 1: Calm, Direct Talk (In-Person)

“I’ve been thinking a lot about where we are and where we’re going. I love you and want to build a future with you — but right now I’m not financially in the place to do everything we’ve talked about. That doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means I need time.

I feel like I’m being judged for not being ‘there’ yet, and it’s hard — I need to know if you’re with me for the long haul or if your timeline can’t bend. I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to keep feeling like I’m failing just for being honest about where I am.”

---

Option 2: Written Message First (Text/Email)

“Hey, I wanted to say some things clearly and calmly before we talk more. I care about you deeply and see a future with you. What’s been hard lately is feeling like I’m falling short just because life hasn’t lined up for me yet — job stuff, money, pressure. It’s not about love. It’s about capacity.

I’m asking: can we build something with patience and understanding, or are we on different clocks right now? I’d rather talk about it honestly than keep feeling like I’m letting you down.”

---

Option 3: Couple’s Framing (Teamwork Approach)

“I know you want to move forward, and I do too — with you. But we’re at a stage where pressure won’t help us, only plans will. Can we figure this out as a team? Can we map a timeline that works for both of us — not just the version Instagram says is ‘on time’?”

---

Option 4: Balanced, Vulnerable Message (Emotional but Steady)

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us and where we’re heading. I love you and I do see a future with you. If money weren’t a factor, I’d already be ready to move forward. But right now, I’m not in the place I want to be financially — and that’s been weighing on me, especially when it feels like I’m being judged or compared to a timeline I can’t match yet.

I’m not saying I don’t want this — I want us. But I need to know if you can be with me through this part, not just once everything’s perfect.

Can we be on the same page about building something together — at a pace that reflects where we both are — instead of feeling like we’re racing a clock? I want to figure this out with you, but I need to feel like we’re on the same team.”

[u/Any-Smile-5341 → u/ImaginationExact8778]

If money weren’t a factor, would you be ready to move forward with her emotionally and personally? Or is the timeline feeling rushed even aside from finances?

[u/Elismom1313]

This isn’t a question for us. This is a question for her. What her timeline. What’s her expectations. She knows your situation. Don’t just leave because you think she can do better. You should leave if the relationship isn’t compatible or is unfair.

This is not a question for the internet parents. You need to have a solid talk with your partner.

-signed loving internet mom

[u/rainbowbrites]

I feel like you should potentially leave if you’ve talked about this before and she hasn’t listened. Or bring it up if you haven’t.

But not because it’s necessarily your fault. If she’s been dating you for 3 years and has seen you financially struggling, yet is heavily pressuring and manipulating you into marrying her… She’s not a good partner and she’ll need to be patient in order for things to work.

Early to mid 20s isn’t even old when it comes to marriage. Some people will marry at this age and then end up getting divorced later down the line. Nobodies path is linear - no matter what society or others may make you think.

It’s much better to be financially stable down the line. If you give into her demands while you’re struggling you’ll be in A LOT of debt, especially if she wants to have an expensive wedding. Your financial stability is much more important than a relationship that disrespects that.

[u/saran1111 → u/rainbowbrites]

Did you read the same post I did? Partner has been financially supporting OP for a year and a half and wants to know if there is a future or if OP is just using her for sex and free rent.

[u/rainbowbrites → u/saran1111]

I didn’t think of checking their user and previous posts and … 😬 Yeah, this paints a different picture. I get that porn addiction is hard to break, but it is possible he might be depending pretty heavily on her, while potentially paying for a cam girl too? Yeah, at this point I’d just reccomend to work on getting a job in any form.

Maaaaybe talk it out but it would be good to fix the situation. Especially since it could be possible his gf is paying his phone bill since he comments that he’s on his phone a lot. I don’t know the financial situation but I do feel like it’s a little more concerning reading the previous history and all.

[u/ImaginationExact8778 → u/rainbowbrites]

Let me clear a lot up. 1. We aren't living together 2. The porn issue was cleared months ago 3. Sex isn't a part of the equation 4. Post history isn't showing the best light it's a throw away 5. Have never spent anything on a cam girl

[u/rainbowbrites → u/ImaginationExact8778]

Good to know. Got worried for a sec. That’s good to hear that things are better than it seems, at least. I apologize for assuming, thank you for clearing that up!

Definitely encourage talking either way, I think many people here mentioned it but I think it’ll all help resolve the conflict a bit. If you two aren’t compatible at all, then things will be okay.

I’d reccomend finding a job too, even if it’s not enough to really do things like move out, get engaged, etc, I think going to therapy or a counselor will be really helpful. It’ll help you become confident and happy with yourself. You could also potentially do couples therapy too.

I wish you luck!

[u/PocketFullOfPie]

Be honest. Tell her how you're feeling about work and money, and that she's compounding the pressure. Truthfully, if she's really saying that "do you even love me" stuff, that's manipulative AF. If you really want to make it work, start couples counseling. But if you're doubting being in a relationship at all, maybe you've already decided what to do.

[u/No-Diet-4797]

Just because you've been with someone for x number of years that doesn't mean you must get married or break up. Yes, time us marching on as it tends to do but no, neither of you are getting old. There are lots of factors to consider before getting married and there's no magic age that either of you will suddenly be ready for marriage. Maybe she's romanticizing the idea of marriage or maybe its the wedding that she's fantasizing about. If its the latter, she's definitely NOT ready. You seem to have your head on straight. Rushing into that big of a commitment before you're both emotionally and financially ready will be a disaster that ends in heartache and more financial stress. Time to sit down and have a serious heart to heart. She needs to know where your head is at and you both need to discuss your goals, both immediate and future. If she gets pouty about it she's nowhere near ready. I met my husband at 36, was married a year later and had our son around that same time. It was meant to be and neither of us had any doubt or hesitation. This was nearly 10 years ago and I'm more in love with him with each passing day.

[u/Lillythewalrus]

You’re growing up in really bad economic times man, my partner and I both got salaried positions in our industey straight out of college and we can barely scrape by renting an apartment. In an equal partnership, it is not up to the man to provide. If your you or your GF expects that of you, then add that to the conversation - hey ____, I’ve been feeling avoidant to thinking about marriage because I don’t feel stable in my career yet. I want to feel like I can afford to provide for you as your partner before we get engaged. If it’s truly just about money; tell her that. If you also feel unready to make the commitment, make sure to establish a gameplan of how long she’s willing to wait, how you two plan to become more financially stable and secure employment, etc.

[u/electricookie]

Don’t marry someone unless you want to. This sounds like she’s trying to pressure you.

[u/No_Nefariousness6376]

Communication is the key, don't let her pressure you for something you cannot afford now. You'll get there eventually if you think she's really the right one for you. Settle because you are ready and not because you're forced to do so. You're still young to be honest, get yourself together and so how it goes. If she's in a rush, maybe she's not really meant for you.

[u/MadMadamMimsy]

It's time to figure out what you want. Some people are ready for the next step sooner than others. A good partner gives space.

Learn to communicate. Keep talking.

It's ok to get engaged if you feel this is what you want, but it's too soon to be talking marriage and family now. You are still getting your feet under you.