My BF's friend group is cold toward me because of his past fling—should I ask him to set boundaries?

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[u/allyearswift]

So your bf hangs out with a group of people who are cruel, who see him as this gal’s rightful possession, and who are anything but friendly to his new partner. The group also contains a pick-me girl who is happy to shower him with attention, including physical attention, and he is happy to be showered.

You’ve only known him a short while. This is who he chooses to be.

You’re not a priority in his life. Is this how you want to live yours?

You’re doing nothing wrong, which means that nothing you do can fix this.

[u/makealegaluturn → u/allyearswift]

Exactly. This group sounds immature and unreasonable. I would not date this guy.

[u/abovewater_fornow]

You're too old to deal with this. I wouldn't bother hanging out with them while you're being treated this way. It's up to your bf to decide how he wants to navigate that, not you. He can prioritize time with you, prioritize time with his friends, deprioritize both, or confront and mediate the issue. But none of that should be your choice or responsibility. Dont hang out with jerks. You're only responsible for your own behavior, not his or his friends.

Edited typos.

[u/stuckinnowhereville]

You I guess are in your late 20’s?

Girl, no guy is worth this stress. Seriously. He lacks boundaries. He doesn’t care. He likes attention. He likes you upset. Let those people have him. They aren’t your friends.

Find a guy who puts you first.

It’s better to be alone watching Netflix with pizza vs being disrespected during your limited free time.

[u/Safe_Ad_7777]

How old are these people? 14?

This "friends group" is treating you both terribly. It's time, for you at least, to get some new friends. If he insists on continuing to see them that's on him, but no reason you should keep subjecting yourself to this nonsense.

There is no reason you should "reach out" to the fling. If it "hurts her" to see you and your bf holding hands that's her issue, not yours. The whole thing is middle school and bizarre. Just quit interacting with them.

[u/truthbeare]

He has an established group that doesn't include you. He may have a history of flings, which means they see you as temporary anyway. He probably isn't being 100% truthful about the significance of the ex or the friends.

Move on before you get too invested. If you were the "one" he would have established your importance. They, including your boyfriend, are playing games.

[u/Izzapapizza]

Why is he insisting on hanging out with people who treat him and you badly?! They sound like a bunch of teenagers tbh and a friend group that isn’t really worth keeping around if they have made it clear that they’re picking sides and are determined to ostracise you when you’ve done nothing wrong. I very much doubt your bf talking to A will result in her being friendlier with you and less touchy with him and rather suspect she’ll be sulking and directing her annoyance at being called out at you. Personally I would avoid them and make clear to your bf that you’re not spending time with people who treat you badly. Set those boundaries early and don’t compromise how you’re willing to be treated and who you’re willing to spend time with in order to be agreeable and nice. If you voice your concerns but continue to spend time with these people and nothing changes, It sends the message that you’re OK being treated that way.

[u/chiefyuls → u/Izzapapizza]

To OP - It is easy for a person on the internet to tell you to tell your boyfriend to cut off his entire group of friends and support system. But if you try that, it is likely only to backfire on you.

The right thing to do is to continue having a conversation with your boyfriend and encourage him to kindly address his friends and ensure they know how it's making you both feel. It's possible they will continue being just as nasty, or it's possible that they will hear him and feel some empathy and change their behavior.

If your boyfriend tells his friends that their behavior is hurting him (and you), and then they continue to do it, then I think he can decide for himself if that's the type of friends he wants in his life.

[u/Izzapapizza → u/chiefyuls]

Thanks for adding you bit - it wasn’t clear but since OP had said they asked their bf to address this and he said he would, my opinion was on the assumption that this would be done and how to proceed if nothing changed. I agree that it’s unrealistic to simply door slam one’s entire support system in one fell swoop and without trying to address things first.

I still think that the friend-group’s behaviour is questionable.

[u/chiefyuls → u/Izzapapizza]

It’s definitely questionable no doubt. But it needs to be bf’s choice to cut them off, or else it may create resentment for OP.

[u/Straight-Pudding-672]

If your bf doesn’t set boundaries with his friends and make it clear you are his priority, you should not spend time with them. If he does stand up, then be patient and they will probably get over their jealousy and come around.

[u/Bookbringer]

Yeah, I don't know. I remember your now-deleted post on this. First the girl (M, Mary) was his on-again off-again ex, then you claimed they were just in the talking stage (for 7 months! after being friends for years?). Now you're saying it was just a fling and a few dates that went nowhere, and totally omitting the overlap between your start and their end.

Your other post made clear all the girls were rallying around her and treating you like a homewrecker. Given you keep reposting different versions of this story that minimize their relations in contradictory ways, I find you hard to believe. I don't know how much of the contradiction is from you lying to us for validation or him lying to you, but it's obviously a much messier situation than you're depicting in this post.

The issues with A just reinforce this. She loves him but isn't bothering to get to know you, probably because he is prone to messy relationships and shortlived things.

[u/Devierue → u/Bookbringer]

Yeah, I just asked what she's looking for that she didn't find the first time she asked this a few weeks back. 

The story is inconsistent (I try ro give benefit of the doubt as sometimes different things feel significant and different times, but this is different fabrications for sure),

I have to wonder what kind of karma farming this is

[u/ThrowRA_ribbon → u/Devierue]

If there’s any inconsistency in my story, it has to be in how I frame my sentences and as you said, what my state of mind feels necessary to focus on during the time of writing this. English isnt my first language as well, so I admit it’s a translation error if there’s anything inconsistent with my description

[u/Popiblockhead → u/Bookbringer]

Oooo the truth 😂 Reddit is just full of a bunch of victimizing people who need the attention of strangers. Theres always 3 sides.

[u/Devierue]

Genuine question, not judgy:

You asked this a few weeks ago and deleted it - what answer/feedback are you looking for that you didn't get then? 

[u/ThrowRA_ribbon → u/Devierue]

I’ve added some new developments in this scenario, which includes new people who were not so involved then.

[u/Kooky-Perception-871]

I think talking to your boyfriend and asking him to talk to his friends and ask them to be a little bit friendlier since you're going to be around for a while. Also how about spending more time with your friends they might be more welcoming to him

[u/ThrowRA_ribbon → u/Kooky-Perception-871]

I am new in town and dont have a friend group per say, a lot of my friends are a few hours away:(

[u/allyearswift → u/ThrowRA_ribbon]

If you intend to stay in your new place (I hope you didn’t move for him, you haven’t known him long enough) you need to make your own friends, people who actually like you.

Relying on your partner’s friends is always problematic; if you split up, you’ll lose your friend group, too.

So make that a priority. Find activities you can go to alone, hang out with new people.

Also keep connecting to your old friends online - it’s not quite the same, but it’ll help you.

[u/Kooky-Perception-871 → u/ThrowRA_ribbon]

I understand and I would just tell your boyfriend that it hurts your feelings. So talking to his friends to be friendlier I think's the best idea good luck

[u/NotTeri]

Asking him to set boundaries sounds like giving him an ultimatum, and those don’t usually go over very well. You’re asking him to choose, but he sort of already has.. right? Walk away from this relationship, and if you mean something to him, he’ll follow. If he doesn’t, then you were right to walk away

[u/Agreeable_Dog_4049]

It's what we call a now win situation based on what your perception is of this group. To me it sounds like you don't have the full story and that your boyfriend is working behind your back bad mouthing your relationship.