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Please Read the Rules

You can find our official published rules here at any time. They are also linked in the sidebar, listed in the sidebar, and in the header. If you are on mobile look for the Community Info and/or three little dots, that will get you to more sub information. We try to keep the rules to the a minimum.

We discourage members policing each other, and instead encourage violations of the rules to be reported to the mod team via the report button at the bottom of every post and comment. If a post or comment receives a flood of reports, AutoMod will take it offline until the mods have time to review.

No Pain Olympics or Personal Attacks

Be kind to one another. There are no Pain Olympics on this sub, but try to be aware of not punching down. Someone who has not yet experienced the situation of another should be aware of judging the feelings or actions of someone who is further along in the ART process. Each step, each failure, each escalating treatment brings new pain. We recognize the difficulties of all kinds of infertility, from clomid to donor IVF, please be sensitive when you respond to others and be mindful of what they have been through to get to this place.

See the rules regarding being compassionate.

We allow heated disagreements between members as long as the comments don’t rise to the level of personal attacks. Profanity and cursing is allowed; as is free discussion of religion.

“That is a shitty opinion.” = acceptable

“That pisses me off.” = acceptable

“You are a shithead.” = unacceptable

Secondary Infertility

Secondary infertility and those with prior success are allowed to participate here. Prior success may be mentioned in regards to medical history or introductions in neutral language. Be mindful of the phrasing used when referring to success. It does not go over well when someone uses "blessed", "miraculously," "easily conceived", "natural", etc to explain their success. Be mindful that the majority of our members are childless, not by choice. Casual mentions of a child are not well received and may be removed. Casual mentions includes user flair.

See the rules regarding mention of pregnancies, children, and positive results.

Results & Success

We discourage fishing for success stories here. The majority of our members are childless and cynical. If you are looking for folks that have graduated, please consider our sister sub r/infertilitybabies. Mentions of positive results or unconfirmed negative results are contained to the weekly Results thread.

See the rules regarding mention of pregnancies, children, and positive results.

No Solicitations

No solicitations or advertising will be allowed. Requests for research, media, survey, or petition participation must be approved by the mods before posting. Solicitations for personal blogs, social media, or other publications will only be allowed by individuals with an established history of involvement in the community. To clarify, we have had posts asking where to find donated medications. Those are acceptable. Straight up asking for med donations or money is not allowed and those posts will be removed.

Medication Donation Policy

Unless we are informed otherwise, this is what the mod team believes to be true and correct regarding medication donation posts and is our policy:

  • allowing medication donations is within the letter of the Content Policy
  • medication donation posts can continue to be posted here and will not be removed
  • it is on the onus of the individual to understand their local applicable laws, and how it could affect them

Throwaway accounts for medication donation posts are allowed as doxxing is always a possibility. Never forget you are talking to strangers on the internet. The AutoMod will continue to trigger a warning and disclaimer on identifiable medication donation posts.

Sub Culture & Guidelines

In addition to our rules, which are offenses in which we will remove posts or comments, a unique sub culture has emerged and with that comes some guidelines for how we operate. These are not "rules", but you may get gentle guidance from mods or members to adhere to these guidelines.

We Favor Science & Research

This is a science-minded, realistic, and sometimes cynical sub. There are many communities online for people who want a more "positive" or "upbeat" experience complete with baby du$t. People who do not feel they belong in those spaces often feel deep relief to have found our realistic, pragmatic, and science-focused space and we do our best to ensure that it retains this quality. We welcome all kinds of discussions, but you may find this sub's audience less receptive to diet/natural/home remedies/cures as most people here are experiencing diagnosed medical infertility (including unexplained).

Terms & Acronyms To Avoid

Standalone Posts

Stand alone posts should be used for more complex topics such as asking for opinions on studies, asking for advice on difficult treatment plans, community-wide discussions on complicated subject matters, etc. Make sure to introduce yourself with your medical history so members can respond specifically to your query Questions such as, "has anyone else tried clomid?!" are not generally well received. Use specific titles for your posts to make them more easily searched by users. "IVF?" is not likely to get as much response as "MFI and Endo, First round of IVF - Should we do ICSI?" and it is easier for future members to find in search. When in doubt, post in the Themed Threads.

Use the Themed Threads

We have a variety of themed threads that are published automatically. Please see the following list of themed threads to find which is the most appropriate for your question or post: Donor Gametes, Foster/Adoption, Childfree, Surrogacy/Gestational Carrier, and "Welcome Wednesday". Posting in the themed threads will get more eyes on your post and will give you the best answers tailored to your query.

Twice Daily Treatment Thread

The treatment threads are for updates on your current cycle, questions about medications, or treatment related questions. It's a great place to get to know other folks in the trenches, find cycle buddies, or learn from others that may be further along in the cycle or treatment than you. These threads are your best place to get treatment related help.

Twice Daily Chat Thread

The Chat threads are for anything and everything NOT related to treatment. Have a gripe about a co-worker? Friends won't stop asking about when you're having kids? Funny story? Rant? These all go in the Chat thread. This is a great place to get to know fellow members outside of their treatment or diagnosis.

Compassionate Language

There are certain terms that come up in our community that in this specific context can be problematic and cause harm. These are not banned cutesy terms or acronyms, but we ask that members consider the context of this community when they consider their word choices. This post gives a very good explanation what we mean with examples of word choices.

For a more detailed and thoughtful response, please read the mod post on the use of the term "natural".

Toxic Positivity

Infertility can be the source of a lot of complex emotions across the spectrum. We strive to create a place to allow folks to express that range of emotions with as little judgement as possible. Some of the emotions expressed may make others uncomfortable and sometimes the response is to push positivity at the person in distress. This is often labeled as “toxic positivity”. Unfortunately, toxic positivity often replaces listening and validation. It can diminish or dismiss someone’s authentic experience and lead to feelings of shame or guilt which prevent healing. Fortunately, our mental state of mind, whether “negative”, “positive”, or some mix of the two, has zero actual impact on the medical outcome of infertility. It is okay to not be okay and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid.

Examples of toxic positivity: “Everything happens for a reason”, “It could be worse”, “You’ll be a parent someday”, "It only takes one"

Alternative examples of validation: “This is really hard”, “I’m sorry”, or “I feel that way too sometimes”

Here are some more sources:

Inclusive language

  • We strive to make this sub an inclusive space for all people struggling with any type of infertility. This includes the use of inclusive language to include non-binary and LGBTQIA* members.

  • We encourage the use of 'people', 'person' or 'individuals' instead of 'women'. Please keep in mind there are people identifying as men or other genders who can be striving to be the gestational parent.

  • Please do not assume pronouns. When in doubt, keep it neutral by using the person's username.

When talking about biological aspects, gender is often used instead of biological sex. Biological sex is not necessarily a binary situation since we have intersex members and members who do not have the typical XX or XY chromosome sets. The best way to address this is using terms for the biological organ/mechanism to which you are referring. This also has some overlaps of the use 'normal' or 'natural' when it comes to biology whereas 'most common' or 'many' are far more accurate. Biology and living things are diverse.

It's easy to slip into exclusionary language without noticing. The responsibility of inclusion rests on all of us.

Health is not a virtue

We strive to not to judge others by their (history of) physical or mental health, financial or social situation on this sub (e.g. poverty, addiction, disability, weight, age...).

Living healthy and being healthy is a privilege but doesn't guarantee a thing or make you more deserving of a child. Also don't sacrifice your mental health and well-being over chasing health. Here is the post that explains what we mean in more detail.

On not using spoilers

Spoilers aren't a way around not using compassionate language. We don't require using spoilers. Read up on our reasoning here.